Someone has to be first. This means generating the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are destructive to the relationship.
Make a Commitment to Stop Making it Worse
The first step is commitment. By definition, when you are out of control (throwing the proverbial fuel on the fire), you are not using logic (or any other helpful process) enough.
Commitment means practicing alternative reactions ahead of time until they become automatic. Then, as you start to become out of control, this new automatic behavior appears. In a way, commitment gives you self-control.
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Nothing Changes without Change
And the first change starts with us. When we say we need to change ourselves, we mean...
We need to make ourselves healthy again.
We need to learn to communicate effectively.
We need to learn to set limits and define our own boundaries..and we learn to enforce them.
We need to learn to walk away from emotional dysregulation
We need to learn to allow the person with BPD their own feelings and lives and we allow the same for us
We need to stop trying to micromanage them, we stop trying to manipulate our lives to avoid unpleasent episodes, we allow them the space and time to regulate their emotions and we do the same for ourselves.
All of these things get us back on the track for emotional well being and also can greatly improve our relationships.
People can only change themselves...