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BOOK: Stop Caretaking the Borderline One of the main ways we keep ourselves involved in addictive, negative and hurtful relationships is to pretend that this negative present moment isn’t happening. In this book, Margalis Fjelstad, PhD., shows that the only way out of an addictive relationship is to change how we function, what we are willing to put up with, and to develop the courage to make changes.
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Author Topic: does she really hate me?  (Read 500 times)
benny guy
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« on: March 18, 2013, 07:17:08 AM »

So this girls boyfriend of 3 1/2 years dumped her last year and said he never wanted to speak to her again. We started seeing each other and have been seeing each other constantly the last 10 months but it was never a formal relationship. he was nowhere in the picture. So he comes back and I found out and she stresses to me they not getting back together but they see each other and speak every now and then. everything was great with us, it really was. i am a realist trust me and if it doesnt work out with a girl i move on quickly. but what we had was real and even she told me our connection we had was special. even after i met her family and close friends they all told me she liked me loads...  

So she suddenly goes cold on me for a week, no explanation after seeing each other all the time and with no problems, and starts ignoring me for no reason. after a week we speak and she says our brains need a break from everything and shes sorry for pushing me away, i ask her why and she says she doesnt know cry so I asked her if she was back with him and she says no. this is just for us. so I don't contact her for almost 3 weeks and then I had a slight meltdown missing her like crazy and i sent her a msg telling her I missed her and i care about her loads and don't want to lose her even as just a friend and if they back together I can understand, I just want to talk to her again to sort things rather than just ignore it. so She calls me like 15 min later crying saying why u trying to ruin my life...   turns out they were together and he saw the msg straight away and was very rude to her. i knnow how he spoke to her in the past so i can imagine the horrible things he said. so I apologize and said I never wanted him to read it, it was meant for her only. it was private and she said she was sorry for everything its not my fault, its her ~ to deal with.

The next day she sends me msg saying I hate you. i didnt reply. the next morning she messaged me again the same thing. i finally reply and just said what the ~ do i deserve this for, it was a honest mistake. she just kept insulting me non stop and saying I ruined her life and she hates me I must never talk to her again. then before i could reply to anything she blocked my number...   this was 6 weeks ago. not a single word from her and number still blocked. I care about her loads and still do. i just cant put it behind me. if she had told me they were getting back together i would never have sent it. it was just a mistake. im willing to try contact her again but i feel she is the one that needs to and if she doesnt, well then i cant do much. does she really hate me? sucks that someone that was like my best friend (she said the same about me) would say those things for just  a mistake after telling me she loves me just a couple weeks before that. trying to move on, focusing on my career, getting more in shape, looking for a new apartment, but the pain doesnt go away. i try to forget her, but i cant...   sucks its her -day this week and me still being a gentleman wants to wish her but i shouldnt. all i wana say is sorry for what my msg caused i really didnt mean it too. and then leave it. but my friends who know us well say no chance i should do that...   any advice or thoughts pls people, thanks
benny guy
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« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2013, 07:29:05 AM »

i feel lost cos shouldn't i be the one hating her. but i cant help but remember the good times, not the last few weeks when she turned on me.
i also understand they were together for almost 4 years and he is a manipulative dick so i know what ~ he was telling her to get her back. no excuse though for how she dealt with everything
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« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2013, 07:50:52 AM »


benny guy

So sorry to hear about your tough story with this girl and her ex! You have to deal with a lot right now, the loss of her, her blaming and hate right now.

Sounds like she has serious problems with relationships!
You are right about the message, it was private. You couldn't know that he would read it. Don't beat yourself for it. And no need to apologize IMO.

To forget her right now is perhaps not realistic.
Focusing on other things can help! And keep posting here.

“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.”  BrenĂ© Brown
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« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2013, 08:35:15 AM »

Odds are, she had already done something to mess it up and needed someone to blame.  Maybe your text wasn't the culprit.
GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
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« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2013, 11:58:18 AM »

Umm, she lied to you and she is at fault here, not you.  Had you known she was lying and seeing someone else you probably wouldn't have sent the message.  Stop letting her pass the blame on to you for her own inadequacies.  She got caught and now she's shouldering the consequences from both sides.  She feels the shame she's caused for all parties involved and is emotionally dysregulating
What contact mode are you in?

I want to resuscitate = Partner has closed the door completely or for the most part or blown the relationship up. If I'm honest, I still have hopes to revive the relationship.

Do not resuscitate = Partner has closed the door completely or for the most part or blown the relationship up. I'm committed to not pursue and not try to revive the relationship no matter how hard that is for me.

Release with grace = I'm exiting the relationship and my partner wants me to stay at some level. I'm letting go with grace, compassion and dignity for everyone.  I can handle the limited communications needed to do this and I can keep them under control without revisiting the old relationship dramas. I am not too emotionally vulnerable to handle this.

No contact = I'm exiting the relationship and for now I need the avoidance/withdrawal of "no contact" because I am emotionally vulnerable (contact is hurtful and upsetting) or because I am angry or resentful (I'm getting even or making a statement).

In an ideal world, we'd like to operate in the green zone, or temporarily go to red zone (6-8 weeks) and then later back to green. In some cases, these relationships reach a state where we can't.

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