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Think About It... Validation is never about lying, validation is not parroting words in an inauthentic way, validation is not being ruled by the emotions of others, and validation does not mean blurry boundaries. Validation is strengthening persistence through difficult times to reach a goal by communicating understanding of the difficultiues.~ by Karyn Hall, Ph.D.
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Author Topic: Is there hope for a better life for our children  (Read 505 times)
bubby827

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« on: December 04, 2013, 12:05:17 AM »

I posted on another board . . my daughter was kicked out of school after 2 hospitalizations.  I was told she could not come back until she was stable.  they are going to let her finish the semester at home.  I will bring her for 7 oclock tests and bring her back home. 
I have tried to get into a crisis center through County Mental Health and have not heard if we are excepted.  I just wan to know is there hope
with DBT training or is life going to be like this forever.  I am so sad.  I feel so incompetent I am the trigger for my daughter and the only one is here for her.  My husband is not available emotionally.  I just feel so alone and so sad all the time.  She is also Bipolar. 
Please let me know if things are going to get better.
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“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
co.jo
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« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2013, 10:12:09 AM »

I think there is- every situation is different. but at age 14 my daughter wore the same coat 24 hours a day, huddled under a table at school, did no work, lived in foster care and was unmanageable in our home. Without being diagnosed, she has supported herself for 6 years, is finishing university and going to grad school, has friends and a busy life. she is currently having no contact with us, and some areas are still bad, but it is amazing how far she has come. Two years ago she drove across the country with her cat and began a new life. I am so proud of her. She only decided on her diagnosis a little over a year ago, but I had figured it out before that. She had to come to it on her own. So most of this was accomplished without the appropriate therapy= think how much better she would have been if she had been diagnosed in her teens.
Yes there is hope .
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hopeangel
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« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2013, 12:26:27 PM »

Things can get so much better than they are now dzolko!

My dd improves each year!  I don't know her full potential but just to see a year on year improvement makes me optimistic!

I am told that BPD can go into remission later in life in many cases! You've got to hold on to hope!  Doing the right thing
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Having faith in hope! :-)
Bracken
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« Reply #3 on: December 04, 2013, 05:51:42 PM »

Hi friend,

I totally understand what you mean about being both her "trigger" and also the one person who is always there for her. It's so hard. I send you a hug

I have lived with that too. It is thankless to be the mother of someone with these problems. And society is not always on our side. During some of the worst times (her mid-teens) I was viewed with some suspicion by teachers and counsellors - even a police officer who came to our home one horrible night -  as "the problem". D portrayed me that way - and appeared convincing.

But I agree with Cojo, that things can improve over time. The last week has been bad  - but I have noticed that really bad times are less frequent than they were a year ago. Also, she can recover from her meltdowns more quickly now. One amazing development is that, about 2 months ago, she was willing to say ``I think I have BPD`. She has never been diagnosed with it. In general, mental health professionals have been little help. But she recently saw a counsellor who does DBT. The only problem is: this lady`s services are SO expensive.

I take nothing for granted. It is a challenge. Take care - I am glad you are posting here. 
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BioAdoptMom3
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« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2013, 09:50:22 AM »

I want to share a quote with you that our DD's psychiatrist shared with me one hopeless day when I asked her if there was any hope for our daughter (she is 14 now and was 13 then):

N, if there was no hope for those diagnosed with BPD and BPD traits, I would not be in the field!  There is GREAT hope for these children and young adults!

Hope that gives you a little encouragement.  I know I often have to remind myself and my DH of what she said that day because sometimes it does seem so hopeless!

 Empathy
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Married to a wonderful DH with 3 beautiful children, 2 grown DSs and one teen DD who came home to live with us at the age of 2 weeks!
bubby827

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« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2013, 11:34:12 AM »

thank you for letting me know your stories. They do help.  i would love more.  I am going to counseling because at times i think i am loosing my mind.
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“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”


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hopeangel
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« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2013, 12:38:47 PM »

I have near lost my mind with it too!  Empathy

It is so hard when you are the main carer and yet you trigger them the most!  I imagine we have all been there its just awful.

Please try not to let it define your self esteem, it is just them projecting their terrible pain onto you, they don't even understand it themselves, it feels real to them at the time that is how they convince others that we are the ones to blame (Ive been through all those smear campaigns too!) they honestly think it is true ie 'Im hurting, there must be a reason, it must be mum's fault as I don't feel happy and secure' sort of thing.

Once they can accept they have a disorder that distorts their perceptions they can begin to grasp that they do not have to attach blaming us to the fact they are hurting, it takes a very long time for them and us to unravel all these feelings that they have been associating with us (and/or others!) and just accept the pain comes from within their disordered mind instead.

We must not absorb the words they say as they are not based on reality, we must comfort the frightened person behind the cutting words as best we can and hope one day the remission will come and they know we were there for them!

My daughter mainly likes and trusts me now, she knows I was there for her no matter what she threw at me!  Its nowhere near over but its improving!

xx

 



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Having faith in hope! :-)
Bracken
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« Reply #7 on: December 07, 2013, 08:14:11 PM »

Hi again

Counselling for ourselves is a good idea. I have gone that route before. Sometimes I feel like I will lose my mind too.

We have been having a very hard time with my D this last week - because of papers and exams at end of semester. Her way of dealing with such stress is that every few hours she  becomes hysterical and screams at us. She can be extremely abusive. She has also developed this new habit of hitting herself in the face. After all these years - I still find her behaviour "alien" sometimes -

But - as I said before - overall there IS improvement. We parents must have hope.

Take care -
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crumblingdad
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« Reply #8 on: December 07, 2013, 10:54:17 PM »

I joined the BPDfamily in August of this year and when I did I was lost.  Hope was not something I could comprehend and it's a dark frustrating place to be, or at least it was for me.  However, utilizing the resources here and not giving up on our DD16 or finding her adequate help has definitely convinced me there is so much hope.  BPD is slowly being more and more understood and has a long way to go but the good news is there are resources, however limited they may be.  If anyone had told me things could improve as much as they have since August I don't think I'd have believed them but they have.  I don't know where the journey ends for our family or how many bumps we will hit in the road ahead but I do believe there is hope.

Read, read and read some more on understanding BPD, take time to take care of yourself, counseling, etc. first because if you aren't healthy you can't provide the support they need.
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