FriendAnx
Fewer than 3 Posts
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: October 02, 2015, 06:22:25 AM » |
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First of all, english isn't my native language so I apologize for every mistake or sentence which might offend.
Hello !
I was searching for associations in my country. Sadly it is pretty small and doestn't have much activities, etc because they don't have money enough or even volunteers. I then found this site and read a few stuff. I bet that the best thing is to share my own story because each has its own different one. If there are any question about anything, do not hesitate, I'll answer. By the way, I think I'll write a lot and I thank everyone who would read everything.
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I know a girl who most likely has BPD. She was my best friend and we shared a lot. She really had everything I like about someone. I know she isn't acting about all this because I never shared much bout me at first because I felt that something was "strange".
She has been honest about her issues since the very first months. She first started to talk to me about her mood swings and rage. She then mentionned other things. We were getting closer and closer then she started to feel very bad and we slowly lose contact. We just talked less I mean, it was like different. I don't remember why but I know I stopped answering her at one point. It seems it was because I ws very busy at that moment and had my phone far from me and took time to answer to every one. Her, she sent me lots of messages and called many times. I never answered (I know I should have not done it, I was just so busy at my side but it's not an excuse). No sign from her for a while and then, she texted me. I answered and we called each other. She said she was sorry for calling so much, etc and so on. I also apologized for ignoring. Then, all started again as if it never happened and we have been.
A few months later, we didn't talk much again. This time because she was on holidays in an opposite timezone and when she came back from holidays, my phone was broken and didn't have money to change it for about a month. I then called her and once again, things were getting like usual.
A few months later, a very bad event happened to her and she got very depressed so we talked way less. I feel bad even today that I didn't answer to her only one phone call she gave because of that event. I was at an appointment. We didn't talk for a very short time at this moment.
After those events, we talked a lot. We got closer and shared lots of explanations of what happened to both of us. She explained lots of her behavior, her past. Me too. We realized a lot. We were getting how we were at first. We were relieved to understand what happened.
Then, she started to be moody and sometimes hurt without willing it. She realized it like a few minutes after the event and even without me mentionning it. At one point, she got really sad about her behavior to me and I decided to meet her that day. That day, we talked a lot about all this and at the end, finally, we got together.
She was still moody but tried her best to control her self. At one point, we started to argue once in a while. Not that much in my opinion but in hers, it was really huge. We never argued before but she could get very mean. She then got very depressed.
After this depression, she went into rage. She was different. Didn't have the same activities, schedule. Actually, just didn't live the same way. It's mostly details but it seems so awkward from my sight.
At that moment, it got awful, she could ignore me, be cold, mean, say awful things to me. At the same time, she always stayed in contact with me. It was just different. I don't even know how to explain the feeling of a "different".
The month after (august), she kind of better. Still went into some crisis, but mostly into moments she wasn't there. Her eyes empty, her face neutral and she was focussing any random thing for a while without notion of time.
And some days, more and more often, she was like back to herself, explaning things she just realized such as "In my mind, it's either all good or all bad. I don't know why". It could be guilt too: one, I was awake before her in the morning and when she woke up, before I noticed her (I was preparing food), she hugged me from behind and told me "I'm so sorry FriendAnx. I can only ruin your life. I'm a monster" while crying.
In september, she started to have more and more moments she was like herself. We had lots of discussions about it and we learnt a lot. Some days, she got irritated saying that we always talk about this and that things never get better. At the moment, she is like very cold, distant and saying things such has since we are dating, she has never time for herself when she has always been the one contacting me (I'm not a massive phone user), etc. I feel like betrayed because I gave her my time and now, she is saying that I stole hers. I see her very selfish and self-centered.
Last weekend and monday, she has been more like in the past. She told me during those days: "I'm so sorry. I'm happy to see us that way and I want it to stay like that. I hope I won't be awful to you again." The last days, she is pretty cold and self-centered but not really aggressive. I don't say anything about her behavior because it might either make it better, either worsen it. I am thinking that maybe I must wait a while befiore she stabalizes as it's what I'm seeing on a quite huge time scale. At the same time, I fear that she thinks that this situation is good for me as I don't say anything.
Finally, I'd like to say that she has never been that way in the past. For example, she has always been jealous about me being around other girls but when I needed help to get with a girl or having question about girls, she always did her best to help and not break my relationship. Also, she was always caring and encouraged me in what I wanted to do.
Also, since years, she is searching for medical help but always fell on a bad psychiatrist. The last time, I asked her to come with me and he didn't recieve us. The time before, she was with a very manipulative one. Before, they didn't really believe it was a mental issue but was a "life issue" (I don't know how to say it in English).
Oh and last thing, she has a friend she knows since she was little. This girl doesn't like me (I'm sure about it) and puts in her head that things are wrong since I'm together. That's kind of true, it happened a while after but things started when she changed the activity she was doing at her job.
I don't want to say I'm a magician or anything but with time I guess, I know can kind of guess when things will go wrong when I see little change. I also can kind of guess her mood on how she writes her text messages, looking at her eyes, or listening to her voice tune.
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I know I haven't always done well but at everytime, I did my best for her, for me, for us. She helped me a lot this last years and I love her a lot. I feel really lost and I miss the "previous" her. I don't know what to do.
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