Homing

This homing algorithm is not an attempt to encourage people to stay in a high conflict relationship - it is about giving members who want to remain in their relationship the hope and help they seek, or in some cases, the emotional centering to seek what they want and not self-sabotage. We don't want to be another one-size-fits-all, intervention group where members are invalidated and forced to seek other resources because they love someone with difficult personality traits or a mental disorder. Our re-homing guidelines are as follows:

Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup: Suggest or relocate members to this "Reversing a Breakup" board if a member's spouse or partner is on the verge of a break-up (or has just broken up) AND the member is wanting to rekindle the relationship. Often members come here after a fight and say very negative things - more out of hurt and defensiveness than intent or desire. The members on this board will work through this emotionally intense, minute-by-minute, member coaching.

Suggest or relocate to the "Bettering a Relationship" board if the member is still in a relationship (no matter how frustrated) because the member's spouse or partner is still engaged in the relationship. These members need tools. Often frustrated spouses/partners go directly Detaching because it is validating to their side of the conflict. Of course, this validation is triangulation (see drama triangle) that will inflame the conflict at home and make matters worse. This is where the clinical profession gets frustrated with Internet support groups - making matters worse.

Romantic Relationship | Conflicted or Just Tolerating It: The Conflicted board is for qualified "Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup" board members who are not committed or ready to do relationship work. Two telltale signs are (1) that their posts are complaints that do not seek problem solving responses and (2) they have little interest in tools and strategies.

It is important to move these members away from the "Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup" board to protect its culture and to send a message to the member that complaining is not "bettering". "Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup" board members can get immensely frustrated and this is ok as long as the expression of frustration is followed by "how to I center myself" or "what can I do to make this better (tools).

Romantic Relationship | Detaching from a Failed Relationship: Suggest or relocate only if the member is out for a month or more. Why? Because this is an intervention board and it's much harder to go from Detaching to "Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup" than the other way around - and we know that cycling back into the relationship is more the rule than the exception.

The Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship board members can become interventional (it's the culture of the board) and members will somtimes follow anyone who strays to the "Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup" or "Conflicted or Just Tolerating It" boards and tell them to come back or to do interventions on other boards. Members are sometimes embarrassed or apologetic if they want to move to Improving after saying awful, often bravado things about their SO (many exaggerate, or leave out their part of the conflict). We want the members on Detaching and Learning to be out of their relationships and progressing into grieving and detaching and working post relationship skills (e.g., co-parenting). This is also a board to help members who are beyond the anxiety and acute pain of the breakup and interestedin topics like relationship postmortems, mental health, human nature, the difference between dysfunction and normal relationship difficulties, and how to make better life choices.

Site Directory