BPDFamily.com

I've read some interesting stories about people with BPD calling their exes back months even years later! Years later? Is this true? Is their no expiration date for a BPD recycle?

Yes it's true.

Mine attempted to recycle an ex after two years and one of my friends BPD ex tried to recycle him after SEVEN years.

I don't think you are ever 100% out of the woods. The longer it goes though the less vulnerable you are.  My mate just laughed his ass off after his resurfaced after 7 years giving it the "your the only one for me" routine

I'm almost six months out and she still drives by my house But won't call me. Weird  man.

Shame and guilt are more than likely stopping her from actually being able to approach or call you i would assume at this moment i her life. Contact of that nature would be too personal causing her to become triggered. Give it time and i would have to assume with her extreme attachments to you(as you have a child together and shes driving past your place) that eventually she will think its "safe" and essentially the clean slate to open up communication. Unfortunately there no way to tell when this will happen realistically with how chaotic her emotions can be with no linear thought pattern other than generally what encompasses around the disorder itself.

Eerie stuff for sure.

Hi hurting300

Yep, sounds the norm, my ex was still rabbiting on about his ex (of 10 years prior to meeting me) the whole time he was with me, not to mention his other ex's that he kept bringing up all the time.

He was also stalking (his main ex) on Facebook and would periodically stalk other females he might have either fancied or been casually/seriously involved with during his life. Yet he hated the fact that I had children with mine, and had to have contact now and then because of that, (BP is now 47 and has no children still).

I would get diabolical treatment and the nastiest rant/lecture sessions about my ex still being in my life, yet I never kept reminding him just how much he was still living in the past himself.

Interestingly, none of his (what he called serious relationships) ever lasted even 2 years, except for his main ex, (they actually did last 2 years and were going to marry, but she called it off at the last minute because he refused to address his abusiveness).

Of course his story about why/how it ended was total fabrication, (to cover up), however I asked his ex, (since she kept popping up beside his/my facebook page) and she told me why she ended it. I knew straight away that was the real truth.

I also know/knew that sadly, I could never trust BP totally in any way.

Man I really tried though, and really wanted to believe he was who he said he was, the reality is that he tells so many fibs, his memory isn't good enough to make them seem real.

I know that I have never recycled any ex's years later, there is a reason they are ex's and that's the way they will stay.

For BP's, it seems the standard if they cannot find new/fresh supply.

I miss my baby. When she does stop i have a full custody order.

You know, I never could trust her. Every time I'd catch her lying she would get silent. She didn't scream or yell... and she always had to have male friends. I do not mind that at all, but when you talk bad about me and I can't meet them then we have problems.

Hi hurting300

Yep, know what you mean, I never got to meet any of BP's former female 'friends', (his were all prior lovers) and he never gave their addresses, however he wanted to know every detail of my male friends lives, plus demanded their addresses, along with made violent threats about them, stalked them/me.

I was totally open and honest with BP when I met him about my male friends, telling him that none of them were former lovers bar one.

The one that was a former lover, (yes ashamedly) was married too, but had taken advantage of me and had led me to believe he was separated at that time. Friend and I had talked our issues through however, and I had told him that I appreciated his friendship but he was not to try 'the moves' on me as I didn't approve of what he was doing as a married man, nor did I want 'that' kind of friendship.

This married male friend was a mechanic however, and that was how we had met, (several years prior to meeting BP) he was doing work on some friends cars, and I needed work done on mine, so they introduced him to me, and I began to employ his skills at times, (paying him for that).

When BP and I were first friends, this married friend was doing some pretty heavy duty work on my car and my daughters car, so he was around quite a bit whilst he completed the work.

BP hated him instantly, (but hid that until BP and I became involved months later) and began to hint at how I should get together with this friend. I set BP straight that the friend was married and I would not be interested even if he wasn't, I merely liked his company as a mate, liked learning from him about cars, and enjoyed a males perspective on things at times.

By the time BP and I became involved, he began to devalue me and dysregulate, especially about this friend of mine. BP of course, was still going around to see one of his former female 'friends', hanging out with her at the beach all day, doing short trips in his car with her, and going there at nights to 'babysit her' (she was taking drugs and drinking all the time) all the while treating me terribly over my friendship with the mechanic.

[/i]Big time double standards.

I spoke with BP and validated his feelings over this friend, BP didn't want him coming around anymore, and since I knew the friend had new employment working remotely, (roster was weeks on and one week off), I knew I wouldn't be seeing the friend much at any rate due to his new job.

Still, I intended to inform the friend (that I couldn't see him any longer) the next time I saw him.

Unfortunately, the last time the friend dropped round, (unexpectedly) BP decided he had been there too long, and pulled a knife (out of the knife block in my kitchen) whilst standing menacingly at my window and glaring at my friend. Since my back was to the window, I only heard a bang, saw my friend jump up and walk rapidly towards the door, not before asking my friend what happened. Friend explained and then ran off out the door, (never saw/heard from him again).

BP had walked towards the friend with the knife in his hand still, and was ranting a lecture about how the friend was married and all the rest. Friend just walked out in disgust, muttering some comment about not having to put up with this *&^%%$.

I never heard the end about that friend, BP was still talking about murdering/maiming him 4 years later.

Any other male friends I had? 2 of them were former work associates, and 1 was a newish friend, (say 6 months). I had been totally straight up with any male friends I had, always. They knew that they were NEVER going to be sleeping with me, and that talk always happened right at the start, I also asked them if they still wanted to be friends knowing that would never change, and they still stayed friends.

BP was told about this too, as I had nothing to hide from him about anything. Sadly, this never mattered, and eventually I had to hide things, to protect other peoples safety, (not a good way to live). By the end of living with BP, I had no friends left at all, male or female, just the way he wanted it.

At the start of my union with BP, I offered BP the chance to meet my friends, (since they would text to catch up for a coffee at mine occasionally), and he point blank refused, (that wasn't all he said either!).

Yet I never heard the end of how I had never let him meet them, (damned if you do, damned if you don't).



I would remind him that I had offered, and that he could meet them anytime, and that would set him off worse, I would be called the most vile names, and accused of sleeping with every man that talked to me. It was hell on earth.

And I didn't deserve that at all.

BP himself had joked about having had 100 bed partners in his entire life, and that was when I met him at almost 43, wow that was way more than me, yet he still felt he could call me the most disgusting names when he felt like abusing me.

To be real, I don't know if he was being honest, or just saying that number to hurt me. I did notice that BP thought everyone was playing a game with him, (so he would often do spiteful revenge like things) and really wish I had noticed that red flag sooner.

Oh God, sorry hurting300, I've prattled on and on again.

I just had an epiphany, if BP 'hates' drunks and drugs so much, why the hell was he sleeping with or hanging out with a woman that was doing both big time?  He often told me throughout the relationship that he admired me because I wasn't into drugs or partying and drinking all the time. Weird huh?

Omg! Yes! She never drank or did drugs but all her friends did! I had proof because they had jail records! Very two faced.

First attempt at recycle was 3 years after our I initial bu, recent (this past summer) was 16 years after initial bu.

I'd guess it depends on how their life goes. A year from now, if some bloke who is more sensible then me cheats on her, forcing her to detach, I would not be surprised at all to hear from her.

On the other hand, if she gets married or  if she continues her cycle of intense infatuation followed be leaving for someone new... Then I won't.

I do know that it won't be about me, it will be about her and what she needs

I was recycled after 20 years. I think there is someone else here that happened to as well. It makes an excellent hook. "I went through so many guys and never found another like you, it was you I was wanting all along I just didnt realize until now. We are connected, we are soul mates" - basically. She married her new soul mate 5 months after she disposed of me this time. Ain't true love a wonderous thing?  lol

Your results may vary  :)

That reminds me, I need to finish my intro... .

I can put 4 names on my illustrious list of exes with a PD (yeah, very questionable I know, but I'm working on it   )

-the first one cut the deepest allthough I never had a real r/ship with him (thank god), we know eachother 17 years now and he still passes once a year to say hello, while informing to the status of my lovelife  lol, but he is the kind of high-functioning NPD who always has some women by the side so he doesn't really try hard

-the second one goes back 10 years now, he got married and has a small kid so I don't hear from him anymore allthough I do meet him from time to time by coincidence, I know he has a tough marriage but apparently he and his wife still manage together, so no trouble with that one

- the third one used to be some kind of friend with benefits, we never got serious, he left 6 years ago and I didn't hear from him for years but recently he retraced me so now he starts to calling me from time to time, also always informing about my lovelife but to me that bird doesn't fly anymore   

- the fourth (AND VERY LAST) one is my most recent ex, he's the reason I am here, we are now separated for 1 year but still in touch so that's another story

so yeah, no problem to counting back up to 17 years !  :)

Oh, I left out this part. She married replacement 5 months after ditching me and proudly changed her name on social media to the shiny new replacement name, and changed her profile pics to one of them holding each other. Replacement changed his pic to one of their wedding photos. 3 months later, she removed the new married last name and changed her pic to one of her dog. He changed his to his previous pic, which has nothing to do with her. Trouble in paradise already? Marital bliss not quite so blissful?  I LOL'd. Better him than me (and, yes, she was mentioning the"M" word to me right before she decided I looked better in the refuse pile than by her side). No, really, im fine. Not bitter at all .

Marriage doesnt mean much to some people, its more about " getting married" than what being married actually implies. Think of how many of the members here were cheated on and left by their spouse.

Just because your ex gets married does not mean they wont try to recycle - still married or not. And they may or may not tell you until the hooks are set. Don't expect it to happen, but be prepared for the possibility.

Yeah like i said before, she tends to keep up with exes. It's the silent treatment and drive by's that confuse me. But I do know it's disordered...

A drive by was the final straw for me. It was her driving by, followed by an "I really did and have always loved you" email, then the replacement driving by (no doubt looking for her) within a span of about 15 minutes. I had been parking my car elsewhere because I was expecting her to show up after another fight with replacement. mind you, this was 4 months after she had discarded me for him. Right after that I told her I would press charges for stalking if she contacted me again or drove by. That put an end to it. So far anyway. They can take their drama llama rodeo to someone else's house.

There is no telling the reason for the drive by in your case. Maybe she is checking to see if you have someone over? Going to do property damage? Is hoping you will run out and stop her begging and pleading in tears? Many possibilities.

Yeah seriously dude it's confusing lol. Plus anytime in the past when she would be mad at me she would block me on Facebook and block my phone number. Now she deactivated her Facebook and changed her number. Totally different now lol. But when I made my Facebook totally private i started friend request from people i did not know. New profiles. It's creepy how c woman can have sex twice with you, wash your clothes, text you all day then just vanish into thin air with your baby. Super super creepy.

FB is a mess. There are so many posts on here about it. When I blocked my ex after breakup #1 it took about 3 hours before the texts started coming in. And they.were.uber.creepy.

"I see you've blocked me." "you've severed our connection! How am I supposed to see what you're doing?" "how can you keep up with what im doing if I am blocked?". "I want to be able to see your picture. If you wont unblock me please make your profile public so I can see it". 

That last one would seem to indicate she had a second profile.

More    than Switzerland. And yep, I went back into that a little later.

Ive gotten the mystery friend requests as well. Also an email alert that someone liked one of my public posts. Went in to check, wasnt there. The person had either removed the like or blocked me right after. Or something. Also calls from private numbers and a local number that never leaves vm and doesnt answer call back (she had mentioned having a second phone at one point, got the idea from breaking bad).

Ivtook the additional measure after the last breakup of unfriending anyone we had in common (not easy with 20 years of history.

Creepy is absolutely spot on. And while we camn compare notes and see some patterns, no two people are exactly the same. I put a public post on FB stating "I am glad that person is out of my life forever. I never want them back in my life again". The phone calls stopped the next day. Coincidence? Maaayyyybeeee... .

You know yours better than I do, obviously. But I dont trust mine any more than I trust mine any more than I trust a blind skunk on meth at a Slayer concert.

As stated previously, your results may vary. But I'm watching my six red leader.

Keep coming back here and posting and reading. It helps a lot. I only just started posting, but ive been lurking since January.

Dude seriously! One night when I had my Facebook page public, I put i was going on a date. Guess what happens? She drove by my house. They keep tabs on us i know. It's weird as hell lol. I don't trust mine either and yes the pattern is there.

There's a sign for ya right there. "going on a date, eh? Well, lemme just swing on by and take a look-see."

I dont know if yours does the 40 megaton rage machine impression, but mine was/is capable of it. Super jealous. Even though she got married she WILL react if i put it out there that i am seeing someone else. Did it after breakup number one. "i see i was just a stepping stone" (she dumped me for replacement). "i bet she isnt as good as me in bed" (it was dinner with a coworker, I have no idea how good she is in bed because she isnt a ho like the ex. And, it was just a friendly dinner because my coworker knew I was having a bad time at the moment).

I moved. My lease was up anyway so it was good timing. Haven't had another flat tire since. Coincidence, im sure  .

Maybe not all exes keep tabs, but mine sure dies. And so does yours. And apparently many others.

I hope to never hear from mine again.  I always marveled at how he cut people loose so quickly and never turned back.  I never imagined it would be me.  Then I learned about "BPD".  I know more than I ever wanted to know.  NC was broken recently and sent me back pretty far in this healing process.  Struggling big time with loneliness and lack of support. 

How long was he gone for?

Mine was more of a non rage type. She admitted me having exes really got to her, she said you I could go on and on every day about her but each day I try to let a piece of it go. Then silent treatment. Then disappearing would start. Push pull behavior. When she hated her mom she needed me. When her and her mom would kiss each other's ass she would pull away.

I told my ex I was leaving after I caught her cheating on me. She immediately asked me "Will you still be with me if you get remarried?"  First thing that came to mind was how many exes is she "still being with".  Lol!

Yeah same, feeling really bad tonight. All the    were there, but she told me I was "special" 

This board is good for support, I don't have much of it either. Most of my family/friends are sick of talking to me about it. They just don't get it

Evidence uncovered later showed she was with me, her previous bf, and her ex-husband from before the bf at the same time. I think there were others, she told me once "you think you're my only option? I have 3 or 4 others" .

I wish I was making this stuff up  :'(.

@ Hope & Tim



This really is a good place for support. People that have not been through a relationship like the ones we have really dont understand how bad it was and how hard it hits us. Everyone here is going through it or has been through it. You are not alone out there. Stay strong, it does get better. There's always someone on here.

It's weird but I've improved a lot since she's been gone.

My first BPD girlfriend recycled me after a year NC. This wouldn't be all that unusual aside from the fact she flew from the US to India to attempt the recycle. I kid you not, she found out where I was living in India, booked a flight and flew all the way from California. I was at a party, totally unsuspecting, turn around and there she was! She grabbed me, gave me a huge hug, said she came for me and that she was finally ready to have a relationship. I was blown away.

This is before knowing about BPD, it should have been a big    but NO! I feel for it hook, line and sinker. I was like, "damn, this is what true love is all about!", and "miracles do happen!". I fell hard.

I left India and moved to CA to live with her. A year later I was left a sobbing, emotional mess.

The moral of the story, be ready for the unexpected. There is no normal when dealing with BPD recycle attempts.       

Holy crap that is crazy. I just don't get these people. Don't you know what you want at some point and stick with it through ups and downs

Yes but Tim Tom... they are mentally ill remember? Normal smart people like you and me would but they can't.

I think I am actually better off than I was before she came back. I was stagnant. The rs darn near destroyed me, I lost almost everything. But... .I think I needed that. A new beginning.

first round we was together for three months.  she left for six month and I heard nothing from her because she went back to her ex. second round , she left the ex came back to me we was together for 8 months , but she was still talking to her ex. she left me again I did not here from her for two years. round three she came back we was together for two years. now she is gone again and I have not heard anything of her, I don't think she will come back for round four. I ended it the last round.

Mine will be gone six months in a few days. It's still so hard to grasp at times how she just up and left without saying anything.

I could never get used to her endless reminisce of her past, and there was no sparing of details, which led me to wonder how many first loves do you have?  Of course, I didn't ask.   

Yeah mine supposedly only loved me. Lol

During relationship I was told I was the only true love ever. Day of BU she told me there was 1 other, that was nice to hear lol. Reading about this disorder, I believe they most likely all were.

They aren't healthy and can't function any other way, like asking my dog to not be a dog and stop doing dog things. I just accept that he's a dog.

Ugh, I got this line too. How was I stupid enough to believe it? It sounds preposterous now. 

I literally with my own eyes saw a post of her telling her ex years back (I love you) ok, so how can you honestly say you never loved before? She then said, well I love candy and puppy's too... I loved him like candy. I'm standing there in front of her thinking what the f*** is this crazy b**** trying to pull over on me?

They live in the moment, during idealization it feels like the most powerful level because they lack object permanence and don't remember

No she lied like this all the time. They are great liars.

Looks like I'm back to soulmate status (maybe), got an apology/miss you/I know you hate me/I made a mistake/etc. text from - get this - 867-5309!

LOL

I guess I had a Jenny that needed to say all those things as well. That must be it. Couldn't be the ex, could it? Nah.

At least she shows her love for the earth with all this recycling.

Meh.

Funny thing. It didnt really hit me very hard. Guess I was expecting it.

Well I'm six months out and just getting silence and covert stuff. Things I know it's her but can't prove...

Precisely, HM. I cannot prove it is her because it is from an obviously fake number. The contents of the text are obvious. I could copy/paste together an almost identical message from all of our previous correspondence. And there is no one else out there that would need to tell me such things. But, no real proof. Part of the reason it hard to talk to friends about it. They just think im being paranoid. Someone that has experienced it, tough, sees it as I do.

:)

I can't help but think she is trying to break ME somehow... I was teaching our baby how to walk and everything... then bam vanished. All because she was being caught in lies.

This is too weird ! My ExBPD left, filed domestic violence charges (which were BS) and divorced me. Around two months later I also get half a dozen FB friend requests from women who had just opened their profile, had no friends. So I switched mine to public and bingo they stopped. I then posted I was moving, which I did. After the move I get a call from a bill collector looking for her on my cell , which is strange as we kept our financial matters separate. So I checked her FB page to see if there was anything weird, and bingo there was. She had posted a week after I had posted about my move to Texas that she was moving to Frisco ! I'm in a new relationship now, which is also posted on FB, so I'm hoping she leaves me alone !

Another strange thing that she did was leave around 20K worth of her stuff, new washer, drier, fridg, furniture and she had just remodeled the kitchen which she paid for. In the divorce papers she gave it all to me, which is just weird. I talked to my T about it and he said she did that because she was always planning on coming back. Would have been a lot easier to stay !

Omg, they are all the same. Similar things with me too! Ok now I'm worried that she is just playing games in the shadows.

I think they all do that. I know mine always did. The last time she moved out she leased a house around a hundred and sixty miles away, after not hearing from her for around two months she calls out of the blue starting off saying that her life was crap without me. Then wanting me to sell my house and move there. I told her no, there is no oilfield there and that's all I know. She replied she would buy me a antique store. She makes 50K a year, so where is she coming up with that money lol so I told her no way ! So she breaks her lease, looses three grand in deposits and has to fork out a grand to move back. Totally crazy looking back now, but at the time I wanted her back and didn't see it.

Well mine is not really gone if she's driving by lol. Shhh that's suppose to be a secret, she don't think I know.

Brother she knows you know, that's why she's driving by, to keep her in your head. Same as mine when she posted she was moving after I had posted the same a week before. Mine thrives on drama and I bet yours does too !

You know, she was two faced bad... for someone who has never tried drugs or drank she sure did have a lot of "friends" that did those things. I even warned her if she happen to be out with one of them and they got caught she would go to jail too. She then went behind my back and told them I was controlling her and talking s*** about them. Wow... .Just wow...

Hi Tater tot,

Is it safe to assume you had no clue of "BPD" with your initial break-up?  When did you learn of "BPD"?  Shocking to read about the recycle 3 years later and then 16 years later.  I'm a few months out of my home with the ex and moving forward with him being a distant memory can't come soon enough.

When she left like she did just disappearing, I put all the red flags together and hired a team. One attorney, one detective and a mental health professional. We went to a judge and pulled her records. She has borderline personality disorder But over lapping sociopathic traits. They consider her dangerous... and told me clearly she would hurt me. All because she's the calm cold type.

Hope, I had no clue until after the last breakup when in going over the details with a friend who is a counselor suggested he sounded borderline. Once I read about BPD the pieces started falling into place. He hooked me by telling me he was always the one he wanted a "do over" with, that he had a dream we would get married, he was as sure of that as the sun rising and it went on from there... .for 6 weeks. Now I'm painted bkack. I've tried to be friends but he can't mster more than a one or two word response when I do reach out. I doubt after this he will come back again. The sad thing is, today, I hope he does.

Tater tot, my ex said something about the Do over also. It's so messed up how these people are all the same.

Was she the queen bee type of the mean girls?

Agreed. Sometimes I feel like I'm making him out to be BPD, so it makes me feel better and make sense of things. And then when I read so many stories that are so similar to mine... .it has to be the disorder.

It's hard to explain how she was man... She had a stone cold look... .It's hard to explain.

I remember the absolute horror that ran through what felt like every pore of my being when I first started to read about "BPD" and their intense 'fear of abandonment'……………... wow wow "I" THREATENED ABANDONMENT REGULARLY!  WOW!  While in the relationship, I could not make sense of the chaos and everything that went along with it.  Nothing added up and I felt like I was spinning literally and psychologically, daily.  I'll spare you of the details as the hundreds of the personal stories on this site and their minuscule details are all mine too.  While in the relationship I set clear and strong boundaries, he smashed through them.  When I'd leave (only drove around to cry, think, and return) the uBPDexh had his script of apologies, begging and pleading with me for another chance, to please not leave him, professions of dedication to "get help"…on and on it went.  The scenario repeated itself for years.  He admitted to having "issues", "anger problems", being "emotionally constipated", referred to himself regularly as a "mess", blamed his childhood (mother in particular), and adamantly refused to let his tendency to "react instead of just responding" be the detriment of losing the "one person who's made him feel whole and been the love of his life".  My exH was beautifully, painfully self aware.  That self awareness wrapped up my patience and kept me holding on.  I originally felt disgusted with myself for threatening abandonment so often.  Not only did it felt warranted at the time, but looking back I realize that my own inner strength and sense of identity was marching into survival mode.  My certain sense of self and strong personality was bringing all of his BPD to the surface.  We were matching up for all the WRONG reasons.  I loved feeling intensely loved, but he was not someone who was stable and that intensity was not based in reality…it was rooted in desperation, fear, and barren attempt at discovering an identity of his own.  

In the end, he blamed ME for every single little and big thing that was wrong in his world.  He was "triangulating" and lining up other "resources" and "replacements"…all terms that became clear once I was gone.  EVERYTHING became clear.  What I mean by sharing this is mostly…once I discovered his "BPD" AND confirmed substance abuse…there was absolutely no wanting any part of him to come back.  The part of him and the relationship that I still miss or long for still today is and was an illusion.  As horrific as it is to accept, there is no doubt that that individual LACKED SELF IDENTITY.  Why in the world would I want to be with someone who is so incomplete himself?  Today I struggle with purposeful determination to make sure MY identity of self is firmly rooted in joy and hope of the now, and of all the days that lie ahead.  I believe when we convince ourselves that we can be the calm answer to the disordered storm, we simply resolve to becoming little more than the debris that spins in the eye of a tornado and is eventually spit to the ground, landing a considerable distance from where it was scooped up, and simply an item of passers-by to stare at and consider whether we are trash or treasure.  I choose to believe in my own worth.  I gave my ex too much of that power.  When we stop wanting them to recycle, we start truly nourishing ourselves and our own paths.  

I applaud this forum and cherish the members, but more is needed to both validate the pain and help to heal the souls who have barely survived "trying" to love a personality disordered person.

I think most here do that. I read your earlier post and am in the same boat. It was my T who suggested BPD to me. I had no clue

we found papers on mine. Sociopathic and borderline overlapping

Its a relief to have something that makes sense of the crazy you've experienced and feel, while at the same time horribly depressing to realize that someone you care about is so wounded and really not capable of having a healthy relationship.

What really bothers me is how she had me so sucked into the idea that she was so perfect and had no problems.

Oh that sounds like really bad news. Was she the queen subtype?