BPDFamily.com

To all,

This is what I struggled with the most. That after the discard - my ex completely forgot about me and our relationship. That hurt so badly!  Well, for those of you struggling with this - let me assure you that you are NOT forgotten.

I have had no contact with my ex in over 2.5 years. Got solid confirmation yesterday that he is indeed the one who has been obsessively viewing my (2) Facebook videos over and over for about a month now. Why is he doing this? I don't know. But it is proof that we're definitely not forgotten! And just so you know - my ex blocked me on FB over a year ago. I haven't checked to see if I'm unblocked, because I don't really care. He's probably using one of his alternate accounts for this activity.

So I hope this is a bit of comfort to those of you who are hurting right now. You aren't forgotten. They are just masters at making it seem that way. Mine certainly is !  

Have a great weekend, everyone!  

That must be pretty validating. Lol.  Part of me wants to accept your projection that if your ex did than my ex is too but something in me is saying not to at least fully.  It's kind of like that feeling I get when I get a powerball ticket. 

No, we're not forgotten.  As we know, borderlines have trouble regulating emotions, so when they get too strong one defense mechanism is to compartmentalize those feelings, make us disappear in a corner of their brains so you no longer 'exist', and then throw in some projection so any remaining 'you' is a scumbag and then some distraction with a replacement and poof!  We're gone.


But no, the inability to regulate emotions is still there, and when things aren't going so well and there's a quiet time we pop out of the corners of a borderline psyche and say hello, the borderline sees an old attachment and turns to it for soothing, cybersoothing in this case, which works for a while, in between bouts of curling up in a fetal position and rocking back and forth.  A hallucination on my part you may think, but I witnessed my ex do that using someone who left her a decade prior.  Guess things weren't going so well for us.

Compartmentalizing doesn't work for me, it's just stashing sht away that will pop up later.  I've found it more effective to think and think and think, feel and feel and feel, until all of the emotion is gone and the memories are benign.  Time doesn't heal unless we move along with it.  Sounds like you're doing well lipstick, and you have a great weekend too!

Hi Blim,

Actually its rather creepy. Always twice a day. Always in groups of 3 views at a time. Always very early in the morning and then when he would be getting home from work or on break. I just ignore. Doesn't matter. He isn't going to contact me anyway.

 lipstick, how do you know he's viewing your facebook?    i'm curious... .

Lipstick,

You're probably correct that we're not forgotten but I have to agree with heeltoheal about how they compartmentalize us and their feelings about us. Our perception of how they remember us is most likely skewed because we naturally assume they genuinely cared about us like we did them which is why and how we ended up with them to begin with. We make assumptions about people that aren't always accurate!

 I'd like to add that from my experience with my BPD mother ( as well as BPD husband) that what we perceived as genuine  emotions from them was never unconditional and therefore, not what we thought we were seeing or experiencing. Even when they appeared to be showing genuine emotion, there was a hidden agenda of some kind. Maybe they were trying to connect with us on some level because they wanted to please us for some reason- most likely because they wanted something in return like admiration, affection, intimacy, money, a new car. Maybe they split and became the loving little children that wanted to openly express their love for us.  It's very exhausting trying to analyze their motives all the time. My BPD mother can dispose of me without a tear or an ounce of remorse and trust me, based on what other relatives have told me... .she truly does not care at all when her daughter and son are estranged. She puts us and any emotions associated with us into a separate compartment and objectifies us.  She will easily replace us because she is a master at seeking and finding new supply of love, attention and admiration.  As a child, I thought I was loved and I thought she loved me because she was my mother any time she seemed to care about me or do something nice for me I thought it was because she truly loved me but that wasn't true. She loved me as long as I provided what she needed and made her look and feel good but as an individual, I never existed. Every single thing she has ever done for me- including buying baby food for me in a snow storm one February in 1962- has been held over my head.    If a mother can so easily dispose of her children this way, imagine how easy it is for a BPD partner to do the same.  I have never had a mother or experienced the unconditional love of a parent and I know now that I can never experience that with anyone who has BPD.  

I'm sorry to hear you found that out lipstick, how has it made you feel finding out that your ex has been obsessing over you for the past month?  

My fears were confirmed over something similar recently with my exN/BPDw. For the first time in 3 years, I put up a profile pic on FB. My exN/BPDw is blocked on there anyway and the pic was of me and a couple of my friends on a night out. The following morning, received several nasty emails from exN/BPDw so confirmed for me also that she does lurk and spy, even if she is blocked, she is finding a way around it.

Like you, I do find it creepy because after 3 years NC with exN/BPDw, you kind of feel vulnerable at the prospect of being stalked from a distance. We may all feel a little like that anyway but for me, it feels much worse when you realise it's a reality.

Well then this might explain the unknown hit from someone at a university in my state on my LinkedIn account last month. My ex and I visited the city that the university is located in, stayed there for a long Labor Day weekend at a very expensive hotel, as well as travelled there on numerous times just for fun. The last time we were together we even drove there for some after Christmas shopping in early 2014. She has a cousin who lives there who is in the music business and she and I flew into and out of their airport on many occassions. She also works at a university, just not that one.

My LinkedIn acct is mostly inactive on my part. And I rarely have hits to it. Rarely, like once every 4 months or so, and they are never anonymous. didn't think anything about the hit until the last couple of weeks and the thought popped into my head, why would someone from that university anonymously check out my profile. And then the thought crossed my mind, I wonder if it was her trying to mess with me. I could see her trying to see if I could figure out it was her by using innocuous clues like a university in a city we visited. I may be wrong, and it may just be a coincidence. But when I first saw it I didn't think a thing about it. It wasn't til about 3 weeks later that the thought came to me that it might be her. So I don't know for sure, but it seems even a little suspicion about them can mean a lot.

They wouldn't have to do such things if they gave clean breaks in relationships instead of behaving like the fools they are.

Lipstick

You already know the story about how I caught mine stalking me on FB a couple of months ago. I also suspect that she also stops by my LinkedIn account (which I have an anonymous visitor every couple of days ... .even though there is nothing new there at all. I suspect that she is checking to see if I still have the same job). I have also been getting some weird calls with spoofed phone numbers where there is no one on the other end of the line when I answer... .maybe its all nothing, dunno.

On the other hand, it has been 6 months since we b/u and I have not heard one word from her - the silent treatment is incredible. I still have a ton of her stuff including a trunk of highly sentimental family momentos and such. I sent an email to her that she did not respond to. Finally, I sent one to her sister who instructed me to throw it all away. I see it as a power thing: me wanted to return her property to her and her retaining power by refusing it to the extent that she is perfectly willing to see priceless possessions be thrown away.

Regardless, we all know that BPD is an attachment disorder and that they are never really able to fully shake those bonds. I really wish for all of our sakes that it was the healthy type of attachment. That they shake off their demons successfully and they come back healthy, full of remorse and ready to take on a healthy r/s, but we know that this is not true. In our case, they add an additional layer of hurt on top of what they have already served up by giving us the silent treatment just like the 3 year olds that they really are. While that hurts for us, I wonder what it would be like if they raged and blew up our telephones, texts and emails like most of the other accounts that I have read?

I am left with nothing but guesses... .Not a day goes by where I don't shake my head and say to myself, "I just can't believe it". Every now and again I have to explain what happened to someone and find myself saying, "That's correct: she loved me SO much, that it freaked her out and ran away without saying a word and she now hates me". Although I don't present it that way, it IS the way that it is understood by others with the final irony that I am the one that is crazy (or hiding the real truth).

Hi FHTH,

Let me take this opportunity to thank you. You are one of the main reasons why I've been able to finally let go of my ex. Your words got through to me (along with several others on this forum). What you said made sense and I was able to stop taking my ex's behaviors personally. Once I did that - everything kind of eased up. I still love him very much. But not in "that way". I feel pity for him that he has to live this way. I also think it's terribly sad that he just can't bring himself to reach out to me. I know he wants to. What's been going on this past month - to me - is proof of that. He and I have known each other a very long time. About thirty years. It's heartbreaking that he feels he can't talk with me. That watching my silly FB videos is as close as he can get.

Anyway - thank you again for your support and encouragement. It's so very appreciated and I am thankful ! 

Hi RippedHeart,

Your situation with your ex doesn't sound like much fun. I read your recent post about the new legal threats. How ridiculous!  I'm sorry that you are going through it.

How has it made me feel - knowing that he's "lurking"?  A bit creepy - but mostly very sad. A part of me felt a wee bit of validation that yes, he still thinks of me. But mostly I felt sadness that he has to hide in the shadows this way. That he's too shamed / fearful / whatever to actually reach out and have a conversation with me. I'm not a monster. And I no longer hold any hard feelings towards him. I feel pity for him and the way he lives. He's now 52 years old. Doesn't have many friends. His one "bestie" from high school isn't speaking with him. He and I go back a long way. Thirty years. It breaks my heart that he simply cannot bring himself to communicate with me.

Life goes on, though. 

Hi ShadowInTheNight,

You would be surprised at the lengths they will go to in order to keep that "connection" with you. I would bet that the anonymous LinkedIn hits are your ex.

I discovered what my ex was doing over a month ago. Didn't know for certain that it was him at that time. He had been looking at (4) FB videos of mine from back in December. Silly Xmas stuff  - but I'm "narrating" and laughing on one of them. That was the video that was getting the most views. I recently posted (2) more videos. Those are the ones that are being hit daily now. No "Likes" as this would out him. But always views in groups of (3). In the early a.m. and then again in the late afternoon. I guess he likes hearing me laugh and talk.

We'll see if either yours or mine gets up the courage to actually communicate. I doubt mine will. Which is sad. But probably for the best.   

Very interesting thread lipstick. And tbh im beginning to wonder if im going through similar atm. As those of you who have read my story will know. I was finally replaced in January in the middle of a recycle attempt with my BPD ex partner (i will be posting an update of the past few months very soon) Needless to say i was like many of you,struggling to understand how i could be forgotten and erased from history by her. A few days ago i decided to re-watch a youtube video i feature in (without giving too much away,and this may very well do so,i  am a character actor at a local tourist attraction,back when i was still with my ex partner i discovered a video of me had been posted by a visitor to the attraction,i did not know this footage existed. and i remember chuckling with her at the time about how strange it was seeing the act from the other side so to speak) this video hasnt really been viewed much in the 18 months since it was first posted,in fact it was a long running joke that most of the views where me ;-) But in the past month or so,the amount of views of this video has grown quite considerably (to over 6 times its previous viewing) although this is just a suspicion,the one thing i do know is my ex had a great fondness for the character i played (she used to tell everyone she was dating two people,me and my alter-ego,and would regularly address both myself and my character in birthday cards and the one or two love notes i received in the course of our "great romance" javascript:void(0);

Sadly i cannot confirm or deny if it is her viewing the video,but i do have my suspicions

Hi TomP,

"Sadly i cannot confirm or deny if it is her viewing the video,but i do have my suspicions"  -  it's probably her. Especially if the video has sat dormant for quite a while. That's how I discovered what my ex was doing. He had to dig WAY down my FB Timeline to find those (4) Xmas videos. Then began hitting them HARD until I put up the new ones. There had been zero activity on them since December.

And like clockwork - I just got the late afternoon "views". (1) each of the (2) new videos. He only does a "quickie" in the afternoons. I suspect he's at work and on a break. In the early a.m. (around 4:30) it's always three or four views.

Don't you find it heartbreaking that they have to hide in the shadows like this?

**Correction** - the video he seems to like the most has now gotten (3) views this afternoon and still (1) for the other of the two. He must be on his lunch hour ! LOL !    :)

Tom

that's interesting... .I caught mine in a ruse that I created for her a couple of months back on FB (at the time I made my profile public to accommodate the caper)... .she 100% took the bait but couldn't bring herself to be the one to make contact directly... .she got a GF to do it on her behalf... .to this day I have no idea why the aversion is so extreme and the lengths that she has gone through to avoid as much as the sound of my voice (she called the cops on me)... .meanwhile, she stalks me on FB and LinkedIn! Its... .it's... .it's INSANE!

Hi JRT,

The key word - INSANE.  You seem to be doing much better than when you first joined bpdfamily.  Are you?

Yes - your ex is probably keeping tabs on you. But it can take a really long time for someone with BPD to reach a point where they have the courage to contact you. It took my ex over a YEAR before he got up the nerve to try and friend me on Facebook. He was trying to get my attention for several months prior to this - but I didn't have a clue!

When I wouldn't accept the Request - it must have really triggered the whole rejection thing with him. So he blocked me to punish me for my mistreatment of him. Even though he was the one who discarded me and dished out the Silent Treatment. So, yeah - INSANE.

I fell that I very much am at just around the 6 month mark... .I'm dating (not successfully, that's another story) and I don't have that feeling like a heard of rhinos are camped out on my heart. I don't really think about her in a way, I think about the r/s and miss the things that were appealing to me about it. I am still in amazement that she did what she did and the way that she did it.

I think that yours is a parallel situation. How was your ex attempting to get your attention? If mine was and I recognized it (though that is her MO on previous recycles), I would not take it since the last attempt to call her on Xmas was met with a call from the cops! I am just not going to risk some legal complications with her... .its just not worth it.

Do you think that was a just checking in kind of thing or perhaps the beginning of a recycle? My ex discarded me and has done the Silent treatment. We were together 10 yrs, not having arguments, finishing up a protracted legal battle with her exH, and poof! She just fades away. A month or so later she sends me a typed note in my birthday card telling me she's decided to start dating men again. She never even said to me she didn't love me anymore and hadn't been in love with me. (We are both women, her Hispanic. apparently there's a rule that the only daughter in a Hispanic family can't be a lesbian. I didnt have that rule book, so only had her word to go on about it.)

But seriously, that's what she always said, I can't be the only daughter in an Hispanic family and be gay!  10 years together, even told me she would probably tell her oldest child about us, this when we were discussing places to live after they got grown. Poof!

JRT,

Good to hear that you are doing better. Yay, you!

To answer your question - how was my ex trying to get my attention? Beginning in May of 2013 - he would put up a monthly post on FB that was specifically for me. When my birthday rolled around (he discarded me two day before my b'day the prior year) he put up a bunch of posts and I was getting "Private Name, Private Number" calls to my cell phone.  

Then he started "following" me on Facebook at the beginning of December. He got impatient with that and changed it to a Friend Request. When I didn't accept the request - I was blocked. Been that way ever since as far as I know. Now the new behavior. The FB video "viewings".  It's his deal and I will leave him to it.

 Hey all

Seems like im one of the few who wants to be forgotten by my dexBPDgf. Im having a  it of a hard day today. Wondering if im forgotten doesn't even register with me.

If you are forgotten then you have peace and quiet My thoughts anyway.

Hi ShadowInTheNight.

If you are asking me - I think my ex was looking for a recycle, yes. But he wanted ME to own it. And he also wanted me to pretend as if nothing had happened. I gave up EVERYTHING for this man. My marriage, my home, my whole life. For what turned out to be a pack of lies. And I will be honest, here. I was overjoyed to get contact from him! I sat there and stupidly waited for some type of communication from him to go along with the Friend Request. I didn't get it. I got blocked, instead. My punishment for not doing as he expected!  

I have spied on my ex's Facebook page more times than I care to admit over the course of the past two years. And have had my heart ripped out because of it. Many times over. But it eventually hardened my heart and showed me that this person is not "normal" (whatever that means!).  And with time - my feeling for him have faded away. I still love him - but not in the way that I did. It's based more in pity, now.  

His new actions really mean nothing. If he's not going to communicate and try to mend fences with me - then what do  I care if he looks at my FB page? I don't.

I'm sorry that you were so mistreated. Your ex sounds very confused about her sexuality. I have read that this can be a trait of BPD. Do you want her back? I can understand that. I truly can.    

I feel completely discarded. He hates me. I reached out to apologize for something and he just lashed out at me.

He was viewing my online dating profile but then he deleted his and posted new pics of him and the replacement on FB. I have him blocked but I hear things from friends.

I wish he could just get well and be happy. We were happy. Truly happy, both of us, before he got sick. I miss him. Not crazy him at the end but sweet him at the beginning. I know they are the same person but I him him none the less.

I have a date tonight. Just coffee. I don't want to go in truth but I will. The last time i had a coffee date I didn't want to go on I ended up in love with a man with BPD. Sigh. I hope it goes better this time.

SS

I can understand... .there are some of us who had really great r/s's... .mine ex just walked out one day and blocked me from contact... .I WISH she was like many that I hear about that raged and gave me hell for a long time... .it would have been much easier than my reality.

Good luck on your date Hope... .I hope you have fun!

Good luck on your date, Hope! We are all rooting for you!

You're welcome lipstick.  I'm glad that my musings as I worked to find my way helped, guess that's what family is all about.  You might be at a place, as I am, where we can honestly call our relationship with a borderline a gift, because it 'inspired' us to dig deep and discover things about ourselves that we probably would have discovered anyway, eventually, but got a little push from them crafty borderlines.  I'm happier and more content now than I've ever been and there's a bright future ahead, for all of us.  Take care of you!

WooHoo!  I'm happy to report there is no known correlation between coffee and BPD, but maybe have tea instead?  Have fun hope, and it's just a date, an opportunity to connect with a human and consider possibility.  Exciting!

I have a date as well... .great thread... .see you all later

"How has it made me feel - knowing that he's "lurking"?  A bit creepy - but mostly very sad. A part of me felt a wee bit of validation that yes, he still thinks of me. But mostly I felt sadness that he has to hide in the shadows this way. That he's too shamed / fearful / whatever to actually reach out and have a conversation with me. I'm not a monster. And I no longer hold any hard feelings towards him. I feel pity for him and the way he lives. He's now 52 years old. Doesn't have many friends. His one "bestie" from high school isn't speaking with him. He and I go back a long way. Thirty years. It breaks my heart that he simply cannot bring himself to communicate with me."

I am with you lipstick, anyone that doesn't believe that BPD is it's own punishment is not seeing what goes on in the pwBPD's life. It is a sad testament that this man, someone that you have know for thirty years, does not have the tools to even open communications with you. My situation with my BPDexgf I am afraid is going to end the same way. I hope that I can reach a level of indifference at some point so that I can communicate with her if she cannot bring herself to do it. As in your situation, there are several years of history between us, good history; it all turned sour when romance/intimacy was introduced into the relationship. That's when the BPD surfaced and things flew apart.

Thanks for your reply. Yes I was wondering ur thoughts of him trying to recycle you or not. I understand the dynamic of wanting them to acknowledge their role (central, I might add) in destroying our relationships. As I've said many times, if I had beaten her, cheated on her, lied to her, cursed her out on a daily basis, I could understand being treated this way. I would deserve her actions. But like you, I didn't do what she wanted, which I guess in retrospect when I received her note should have said something along the lines of "okeydokey! Have fun! look me up some time." Or cried and chased her down. Instead I let her know without mincing my words what I thought of her. Via voicemail, no less, as she was too gutless to even pick up the phone when I called her. So I too became the bad guy. Interesting game that is. I never knew such one existed. Certainly didn't get the rule book for it either!

I don't think my ex is confused about her sexuality. I think she likes to think she is. She's known she likes women since she was in high school. Her first crush? Her high school FEMALE PE teacher. This is all actually tied in to her mother somehow and I didn't realize it until the last 4 years of our relationship and certainly not to the extent as in the last 6 months. My ex is 46, her mother buys her clothes (dresses usually) that her mother wants her to wear, not that my ex would pick out for herself. I know of no one whose mother does that for them at her age. There is definitely a control thing going on with her mother. Anyway, I'm just prattling. The lie she is living is the one she has dragged some hapless guy into now. I am very sure she didn't tell him she was with a woman for 10 years. She once told me (when she did something similar 4 yrs ago just not to this extent) that she wouldn't tell whomever she was with about our relationship b/c if they got divorced he would use it against her. How's that for planning ahead? Insane is right, lipstick! Insane that I still love her too. Curses... .

Oh, I hope it ends up better for you too!

I hope I'm forgotten. Don't want to hear from her again.

It would be nice in a way to know if my uBPDexgf were 'lurking' on me in any way. But I got no idea how to setup 'ruses' on facebook, so it is what it is.

But my ex looks like she's just 'running away' from her life with me. And it also looks like she's just eating her shame away, you can see noticeable weight gain in her face now and it's only been a little over two months... .20 pounds plus... .It does make me sad, I miss the girl I once had. But, hey, not having anxiety attacks simply looking at a pending text message from her... .that is NICE.

I showed my sister the before/after (a pic of her with me from september/ a picture of her today) pictures of my ex... .She has a masters in psychology. Her words: "Her eyes are dead. It's my opinion. Her eyes look dead to me like no happiness, no nothing." Showed my mother the same pictures, her opinion "I do think she is a different person, a person who is trying to change everything in her life. She looks like she is eating 24/7, she's sending the message of I'm a different girl, who is loving a different life.

Like you lipstick: Mostly now I just feel pity. She thinks I'd just trash her if she tried to talk to me, but that's not the truth at all. Oh well, I'll let her do whatever it is she does now.

Nice guy. Smart, educated, funny, multilingual and ambitious as well as successful. Taught me a great deal over a simple coffee. Definitely a non as I had no chemistry with him at all. lol We are bound to be good friends forever.

Oh well one down who knows how many more to go. I have another date with a different guy tomorrow. I'll keep you all posted.

I sure wish my ex missed me like I miss him but he doesn't. I have been forgotten entirely. So I shall soldier on and keep dating.

On a brighter note the jeans I wore looked great and were comfy. A double plus.  :)

Mine was a nice girl... .educated... .athletic... .but no chemistry either... .my jeans also fit well!  :-)

I had a blind date on St. Paddy's Day to meet for a drink. Nice man, too old and totally dressed like a leprechaun! Is this my future  lol

So, I got a  :light: moment. No wonder my exBPD fiancé will not give my son his wedding video. He shot it and when we broke up he ignored my daughter in law when she asked for the video. He is probably watching it! Creepy... .there is a lot of me walking up the isle, me singing with his daughter, dancing, laughing... .creepy.

We will never see that video!

Great thread lipstick.

Hope2727,

Yay for you and your jeans!     It's terrific that you're going out, though. Keep it up !

Was up early this a.m. chatting with a friend on Facebook. Well - whaddaya know. Four views of the videos. Two at 4:45 a.m. and two more at 6:30. Don't these people sleep?   :)

I'm sure eventually he will get bored with this nonsense. But in the meantime... .seriously? What's the payoff here? Perhaps he and the "little woman" are going thru a rough patch right now. That's his to own. He made a choice and he can live with it.

Happy Saturday, all !    

Sounds to me like he or she knows you well enough to know that you will figure out that this video is being watched... .and you will reach out and make contact.

Now, is that because they want to fight, feel better about themselves, bring you down? Who knows.

For me personally?

I hope my ex forgets who I am, and what I look like.

I am doing my best to help make sure that happens.

But I am positive he can do that / has done that all on his own.

He has, no soul.

Hi goingplaces,

I dunno about the whole "contact" thing. Mine probably just thinks he's really getting away with something. Probably has no idea that I can see the view counter. Either way - regarding contact? Ain't gonna' happen !  :)  And he is a huge coward - so he won't be reaching out to me, either.

I've often wondered if these folk have a soul. I know I accused the ex of not having one!  How long have you been out of your relationship? And I'm sorry you had this experience... .

Divorced legally for 9 months.

Have not seen him for 8 months.

This was his 'trick'... .to keep me on the hook... .do things he knows I would notice so I would go to him and say "what's this"... .to start a conversation/fight... .but moreso to keep me on the hook.

That way he could say "shes the one who contacted me, I didn't contact her".

It was never that he 'regretted what he did' or 'had remorse'. He is incapable of those emotions.

It was to keep me 'strung out' and to make me "look like the crazy one" (classic gas-lighter).

I read so much on line and in text books, etc.

SO MUCH of what he did to me was pure abuse... .sometimes I hate to even think it's a PD; but that he is just evil... Just a bad person.

Is there such a thing? Just a bad person? Can you just be a bad person and NOT have a PD?

GoingPlaces,

Again - my apologies. Doubly so as you were married to this person.  Yep - they like to put the ownership back on you to escape blame or responsibility of any kind.  Typical.  Yes, you were abused. Most definitely. Love doesn't manipulate, shame, criticize and intentionally damage.

Yes - I believe you can be a bad person and not have a PD.  But what difference does it really make in the end? If you go around hurting people that you supposedly "love" and that love you in return - it's still wrong. PD or no PD. The only difference I can see is that bad folk with no PD might wise up and try to change their ways. A disordered person will not (in most cases). 

Yep - just got "hit" again at 9:45 a.m... It almost seems now like he's just trying to take me with him wherever he goes.  So heartbreaking and sad.  But again - his to own.   

Off to do chores !   

I don't know if you were abused, but this sounds like a trick... .

To keep you thinking about him.

To keep you watching to see if he's watching.

To keep HIM on YOUR mind... .

From what I have been thru, this looks like a manipulation/control play on his part,

If you're honest with yourself, does it bother you lipstick?  You probably have a copy of that vid on your computer, so deleting it from FB would be no biggie, up to you to decide if it matters.

GoingPlaces,

Again - my apologies. Doubly so as you were married to this person.  Yep - they like to put the ownership back on you to escape blame or responsibility of any kind.  Typical.  Yes, you were abused. Most definitely. Love doesn't manipulate, shame, criticize and intentionally damage.

Yes - I believe you can be a bad person and not have a PD.  But what difference does it really make in the end? If you go around hurting people that you supposedly "love" and that love you in return - it's still wrong. PD or no PD. The only difference I can see is that bad folk with no PD might wise up and try to change their ways. A disordered person will not (in most cases).  love


It is amazing what a BPD thinks love is. They can stock us from afar. Our job is to get healthy and move on from their screwed up life. We chose them now we have to detach and keep our boundaries in check.

I get angry at myself for staying so long with an abusive person. I then remind myself that I was tricked, had never been around someone with a mental disorder before and was totally unprepared for the rollercoaster ride. I said at one point, how can you just love and hate me on and off and he just folded his arms and turned on the old silent treatment.

What is it going to be like when I am able to be with a normal person again?

My daughter in law said "let him keep that video of the wedding" he is playing God with. She said they have enough pictures and he is playing a game. He wants my engagement ring back so he is going to withhold the "gift" he was giving my son.

Cruel, mean, evil, ... .I am no longer taking his emotional candy. He is incapable of nurturance, commitment and giving true love. So, he continues on with this immature behavior for attention. I am strict N/C. Not getting hooked in again.

Hi FHTH,

At this point - no, it doesn't bother me. Kind of fascinating to see the obsessive behavior in action.  He's not hurting anyone or anything by watching the videos. I went through a phase where I doubted if he even had a disorder of any kind. This sort of re-confirms that he does. Does that make sense? If he gets some sort of comfort from this - then fine.

Goingplaces,

I believe the Silent Treatment is a form of emotional abuse. So, yes. I was abused. My ex is not violent. He's passive-aggressive. Which can sometimes be worse.

And again - he isn't very tech-savvy, so I don't think he knows that his "views" can be seen. I could be wrong - but I really don't care if he watches them. He's not hurting anyone by doing so. I don't feel anything, really, one way or the other.   

Yes, it makes sense.  My ex tried to contact me for a year after I left her, always on dates that were 'coincidentally' significant dates in our relationship (uh huh), and as I detached and learned about the disorder the things she said or typed became more and more transparent, confirmed my rookie 'diagnosis', and validated that I actually had my act together and was acting sanely, at least by comparison.  Not a bad thing, although I also didn't mind when they stopped.

"My daughter in law said "let him keep that video of the wedding" he is playing God with. She said they have enough pictures and he is playing a game."

downwhim,

I have had the pleasure of reading many of your post on these boards. Your posts have helped me along my way. I know, through your writings, that you are a mature and intelligent woman. That being said, let's look at who got what in the video debacle. (I understand that the wedding was a onetime event and the video was a "recording" of said event and, therefore, irreplaceable.):

What you have/got:

A son and new daughter in law that will continue to enrich your life in ways that you can't even imagine. And the same can be said for your enrichment of their lives. Their lives are dynamic, as is yours, new events, ceremonies, etc. will occur. You will participate in those. In general, you are in life!

What he has/got:

A static recording of a onetime event (This is not said as a belittlement of the wedding and/or ceremony mind you.). He has a recording of life.

I am not a smart man, but I know who came out on top in that deal.

FHTH,

Funny you should mention the whole significant dates thing. Next month marks a VERY significant "anniversary" date of sorts for the ex and I. Hell, he even created a separate FB page devoted to me. He made his date of birth this upcoming "anniversary" date on the page.  

I feel so sorry for him at times. Then I remember how callously he treated me and how long it took to recover. I do finally understand how I dodged a major bullet with him. And that his dumping me was probably the best thing that could have happened.  :)

My mother has asked me if I would welcome him back into my life as a casual (and distant!) Facebook friend if he works up the courage to reach out. I feel like this is something I could handle. I view him as a child now. A sad, scared child. Not as a romantic interest of any kind.  Wow! I've come a long way !    


ApolloTech,

EXCELLENT post and observations! Bravo!

Although would you really want a sad, scared child as a friend?  I considered a 'friendship' with my ex, for a minute anyway, and then connected with what is friendship?  It's a mutually beneficial relationship based on trust and respect.  Well, I didn't trust my ex, had no reason to, and she was disrespectful to me more times than I can count; she's not qualified to be my friend.  And then of course I had to look at any underlying reasons for wanting to be her 'friend' and none of them were good.  She had to go for good.

Sidebar: she started a business recently, one she's been working on since we were together in 2012, and I got a spam marketing email from her, promoting it.  Not wanting to leave well enough alone and just let it go, she put me on the distribution list.  'Unsubscribe' shall we?

FHTH,

I hear you. Well, I don't expect anything to come from all of this FB nonsense. As you stated - it's probably just a way to self-soothe for whatever may be happening in his world.

He is actually in the best place possible to keep his disorder in check. And I think that's important. He is married to a disordered person as well. And his life is one of routine. Mundane, boring routine. The same things over and over and over. Strictly controlled by his spouse (mother). They go to the same places week in and week out. For years now. Change is not acceptable. Change is scary. Must not deviate from the routine.

I imagine this makes him feel safe. He used the word "comfortable" to describe it. I would think this keeps those nasty abandonment fears at bay. I'm glad I'm not a part of that whole dynamic. It would destroy me.

*mod*



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