For those who think they've been forgotten...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi JRT,

The key word - INSANE.  You seem to be doing much better than when you first joined bpdfamily.  Are you?

Yes - your ex is probably keeping tabs on you. But it can take a really long time for someone with BPD to reach a point where they have the courage to contact you. It took my ex over a YEAR before he got up the nerve to try and friend me on Facebook. He was trying to get my attention for several months prior to this - but I didn't have a clue!

When I wouldn't accept the Request - it must have really triggered the whole rejection thing with him. So he blocked me to punish me for my mistreatment of him. Even though he was the one who discarded me and dished out the Silent Treatment. So, yeah - INSANE.

Do you think that was a just checking in kind of thing or perhaps the beginning of a recycle? My ex discarded me and has done the Silent treatment. We were together 10 yrs, not having arguments, finishing up a protracted legal battle with her exH, and poof! She just fades away. A month or so later she sends me a typed note in my birthday card telling me she's decided to start dating men again. She never even said to me she didn't love me anymore and hadn't been in love with me. (We are both women, her Hispanic. apparently there's a rule that the only daughter in a Hispanic family can't be a lesbian. I didnt have that rule book, so only had her word to go on about it.)

But seriously, that's what she always said, I can't be the only daughter in an Hispanic family and be gay!  10 years together, even told me she would probably tell her oldest child about us, this when we were discussing places to live after they got grown. Poof!

Hi ShadowInTheNight.

If you are asking me - I think my ex was looking for a recycle, yes. But he wanted ME to own it. And he also wanted me to pretend as if nothing had happened. I gave up EVERYTHING for this man. My marriage, my home, my whole life. For what turned out to be a pack of lies. And I will be honest, here. I was overjoyed to get contact from him! I sat there and stupidly waited for some type of communication from him to go along with the Friend Request. I didn't get it. I got blocked, instead. My punishment for not doing as he expected!  

I have spied on my ex's Facebook page more times than I care to admit over the course of the past two years. And have had my heart ripped out because of it. Many times over. But it eventually hardened my heart and showed me that this person is not "normal" (whatever that means!).  And with time - my feeling for him have faded away. I still love him - but not in the way that I did. It's based more in pity, now.  

His new actions really mean nothing. If he's not going to communicate and try to mend fences with me - then what do  I care if he looks at my FB page? I don't.

I'm sorry that you were so mistreated. Your ex sounds very confused about her sexuality. I have read that this can be a trait of BPD. Do you want her back? I can understand that. I truly can.    

Thanks for your reply. Yes I was wondering ur thoughts of him trying to recycle you or not. I understand the dynamic of wanting them to acknowledge their role (central, I might add) in destroying our relationships. As I've said many times, if I had beaten her, cheated on her, lied to her, cursed her out on a daily basis, I could understand being treated this way. I would deserve her actions. But like you, I didn't do what she wanted, which I guess in retrospect when I received her note should have said something along the lines of "okeydokey! Have fun! look me up some time." Or cried and chased her down. Instead I let her know without mincing my words what I thought of her. Via voicemail, no less, as she was too gutless to even pick up the phone when I called her. So I too became the bad guy. Interesting game that is. I never knew such one existed. Certainly didn't get the rule book for it either!

I don't think my ex is confused about her sexuality. I think she likes to think she is. She's known she likes women since she was in high school. Her first crush? Her high school FEMALE PE teacher. This is all actually tied in to her mother somehow and I didn't realize it until the last 4 years of our relationship and certainly not to the extent as in the last 6 months. My ex is 46, her mother buys her clothes (dresses usually) that her mother wants her to wear, not that my ex would pick out for herself. I know of no one whose mother does that for them at her age. There is definitely a control thing going on with her mother. Anyway, I'm just prattling. The lie she is living is the one she has dragged some hapless guy into now. I am very sure she didn't tell him she was with a woman for 10 years. She once told me (when she did something similar 4 yrs ago just not to this extent) that she wouldn't tell whomever she was with about our relationship b/c if they got divorced he would use it against her. How's that for planning ahead? Insane is right, lipstick! Insane that I still love her too. Curses... .

[ShadowIntheNight]

Hi JRT,

The key word - INSANE.  You seem to be doing much better than when you first joined bpdfamily.  Are you?

Yes - your ex is probably keeping tabs on you. But it can take a really long time for someone with BPD to reach a point where they have the courage to contact you. It took my ex over a YEAR before he got up the nerve to try and friend me on Facebook. He was trying to get my attention for several months prior to this - but I didn't have a clue!

When I wouldn't accept the Request - it must have really triggered the whole rejection thing with him. So he blocked me to punish me for my mistreatment of him. Even though he was the one who discarded me and dished out the Silent Treatment. So, yeah - INSANE.

Do you think that was a just checking in kind of thing or perhaps the beginning of a recycle? My ex discarded me and has done the Silent treatment. We were together 10 yrs, not having arguments, finishing up a protracted legal battle with her exH, and poof! She just fades away. A month or so later she sends me a typed note in my birthday card telling me she's decided to start dating men again. She never even said to me she didn't love me anymore and hadn't been in love with me. (We are both women, her Hispanic. apparently there's a rule that the only daughter in a Hispanic family can't be a lesbian. I didnt have that rule book, so only had her word to go on about it.)

But seriously, that's what she always said, I can't be the only daughter in an Hispanic family and be gay!  10 years together, even told me she would probably tell her oldest child about us, this when we were discussing places to live after they got grown. Poof!

Hi ShadowInTheNight.

If you are asking me - I think my ex was looking for a recycle, yes. But he wanted ME to own it. And he also wanted me to pretend as if nothing had happened. I gave up EVERYTHING for this man. My marriage, my home, my whole life. For what turned out to be a pack of lies. And I will be honest, here. I was overjoyed to get contact from him! I sat there and stupidly waited for some type of communication from him to go along with the Friend Request. I didn't get it. I got blocked, instead. My punishment for not doing as he expected!  

I have spied on my ex's Facebook page more times than I care to admit over the course of the past two years. And have had my heart ripped out because of it. Many times over. But it eventually hardened my heart and showed me that this person is not "normal" (whatever that means!).  And with time - my feeling for him have faded away. I still love him - but not in the way that I did. It's based more in pity, now.  

His new actions really mean nothing. If he's not going to communicate and try to mend fences with me - then what do  I care if he looks at my FB page? I don't.

I'm sorry that you were so mistreated. Your ex sounds very confused about her sexuality. I have read that this can be a trait of BPD. Do you want her back? I can understand that. I truly can.    

Thanks for your reply. Yes I was wondering ur thoughts of him trying to recycle you or not. I understand the dynamic of wanting them to acknowledge their role (central, I might add) in destroying our relationships. As I've said many times, if I had beaten her, cheated on her, lied to her, cursed her out on a daily basis, I could understand being treated this way. I would deserve her actions. But like you, I didn't do what she wanted, which I guess in retrospect when I received her note should have said something along the lines of "okeydokey! Have fun! look me up some time." Or cried and chased her down. Instead I let her know without mincing my words what I thought of her. Via voicemail, no less, as she was too gutless to even pick up the phone when I called her. So I too became the bad guy. Interesting game that is. I never knew such one existed. Certainly didn't get the rule book for it either!

I don't think my ex is confused about her sexuality. I think she likes to think she is. She's known she likes women since she was in high school. Her first crush? Her high school FEMALE PE teacher. This is all actually tied in to her mother somehow and I didn't realize it until the last 4 years of our relationship and certainly not to the extent as in the last 6 months. My ex is 46, her mother buys her clothes (dresses usually) that her mother wants her to wear, not that my ex would pick out for herself. I know of no one whose mother does that for them at her age. There is definitely a control thing going on with her mother. Anyway, I'm just prattling. The lie she is living is the one she has dragged some hapless guy into now. I am very sure she didn't tell him she was with a woman for 10 years. She once told me (when she did something similar 4 yrs ago just not to this extent) that she wouldn't tell whomever she was with about our relationship b/c if they got divorced he would use it against her. How's that for planning ahead? Insane is right, lipstick! Insane that I still love her too. Curses... .

[ShadowIntheNight]

I feel completely discarded. He hates me. I reached out to apologize for something and he just lashed out at me.

He was viewing my online dating profile but then he deleted his and posted new pics of him and the replacement on FB. I have him blocked but I hear things from friends.

I wish he could just get well and be happy. We were happy. Truly happy, both of us, before he got sick. I miss him. Not crazy him at the end but sweet him at the beginning. I know they are the same person but I him him none the less.

I have a date tonight. Just coffee. I don't want to go in truth but I will. The last time i had a coffee date I didn't want to go on I ended up in love with a man with BPD. Sigh. I hope it goes better this time.

Oh, I hope it ends up better for you too!

[Maternus]

Hey all

Seems like im one of the few who wants to be forgotten by my dexBPDgf. Im having a  it of a hard day today. Wondering if im forgotten doesn't even register with me.

If you are forgotten then you have peace and quiet My thoughts anyway.

I hope I'm forgotten. Don't want to hear from her again.

[Reecer1588]

It would be nice in a way to know if my uBPDexgf were 'lurking' on me in any way. But I got no idea how to setup 'ruses' on facebook, so it is what it is.

But my ex looks like she's just 'running away' from her life with me. And it also looks like she's just eating her shame away, you can see noticeable weight gain in her face now and it's only been a little over two months... .20 pounds plus... .It does make me sad, I miss the girl I once had. But, hey, not having anxiety attacks simply looking at a pending text message from her... .that is NICE.

I showed my sister the before/after (a pic of her with me from september/ a picture of her today) pictures of my ex... .She has a masters in psychology. Her words: "Her eyes are dead. It's my opinion. Her eyes look dead to me like no happiness, no nothing." Showed my mother the same pictures, her opinion "I do think she is a different person, a person who is trying to change everything in her life. She looks like she is eating 24/7, she's sending the message of I'm a different girl, who is loving a different life.

Like you lipstick: Mostly now I just feel pity. She thinks I'd just trash her if she tried to talk to me, but that's not the truth at all. Oh well, I'll let her do whatever it is she does now.

[hope2727]

Nice guy. Smart, educated, funny, multilingual and ambitious as well as successful. Taught me a great deal over a simple coffee. Definitely a non as I had no chemistry with him at all. We are bound to be good friends forever.

Oh well one down who knows how many more to go. I have another date with a different guy tomorrow. I'll keep you all posted.

I sure wish my ex missed me like I miss him but he doesn't. I have been forgotten entirely. So I shall soldier on and keep dating.

On a brighter note the jeans I wore looked great and were comfy. A double plus. 

[JRT]

Nice guy. Smart, educated, funny, multilingual and ambitious as well as successful. Taught me a great deal over a simple coffee. Definitely a non as I had no chemistry with him at all. We are bound to be good friends forever.

Oh well one down who knows how many more to go. I have another date with a different guy tomorrow. I'll keep you all posted.

I sure wish my ex missed me like I miss him but he doesn't. I have been forgotten entirely. So I shall soldier on and keep dating.

On a brighter note the jeans I wore looked great and were comfy. A double plus. 

Mine was a nice girl... .educated... .athletic... .but no chemistry either... .my jeans also fit well!  :-)

[downwhim]

I had a blind date on St. Paddy's Day to meet for a drink. Nice man, too old and totally dressed like a leprechaun! Is this my future  

So, I got a  moment. No wonder my exBPD fiancé will not give my son his wedding video. He shot it and when we broke up he ignored my daughter in law when she asked for the video. He is probably watching it! Creepy... .there is a lot of me walking up the isle, me singing with his daughter, dancing, laughing... .creepy.

We will never see that video!

[hurting300]

Great thread lipstick.

[lipstick]

Nice guy. Smart, educated, funny, multilingual and ambitious as well as successful. Taught me a great deal over a simple coffee. Definitely a non as I had no chemistry with him at all. We are bound to be good friends forever.

Oh well one down who knows how many more to go. I have another date with a different guy tomorrow. I'll keep you all posted.

I sure wish my ex missed me like I miss him but he doesn't. I have been forgotten entirely. So I shall soldier on and keep dating.

On a brighter note the jeans I wore looked great and were comfy. A double plus. 

Hope2727,

Yay for you and your jeans!     It's terrific that you're going out, though. Keep it up !

[lipstick]

Was up early this a.m. chatting with a friend on Facebook. Well - whaddaya know. Four views of the videos. Two at 4:45 a.m. and two more at 6:30. Don't these people sleep?  

I'm sure eventually he will get bored with this nonsense. But in the meantime... .seriously? What's the payoff here? Perhaps he and the "little woman" are going thru a rough patch right now. That's his to own. He made a choice and he can live with it.

Happy Saturday, all !    

[going places]

Sounds to me like he or she knows you well enough to know that you will figure out that this video is being watched... .and you will reach out and make contact.

Now, is that because they want to fight, feel better about themselves, bring you down? Who knows.

For me personally?

I hope my ex forgets who I am, and what I look like.

I am doing my best to help make sure that happens.

But I am positive he can do that / has done that all on his own.

He has, no soul.

[lipstick]

Sounds to me like he or she knows you well enough to know that you will figure out that this video is being watched... .and you will reach out and make contact.

Now, is that because they want to fight, feel better about themselves, bring you down? Who knows.

For me personally?

I hope my ex forgets who I am, and what I look like.

I am doing my best to help make sure that happens.

But I am positive he can do that / has done that all on his own.

He has, no soul.

Hi goingplaces,

I dunno about the whole "contact" thing. Mine probably just thinks he's really getting away with something. Probably has no idea that I can see the view counter. Either way - regarding contact? Ain't gonna' happen !    And he is a huge coward - so he won't be reaching out to me, either.

I've often wondered if these folk have a soul. I know I accused the ex of not having one!  How long have you been out of your relationship? And I'm sorry you had this experience... .

[going places]

Divorced legally for 9 months.

Have not seen him for 8 months.

This was his 'trick'... .to keep me on the hook... .do things he knows I would notice so I would go to him and say "what's this"... .to start a conversation/fight... .but moreso to keep me on the hook.

That way he could say "shes the one who contacted me, I didn't contact her".

It was never that he 'regretted what he did' or 'had remorse'. He is incapable of those emotions.

It was to keep me 'strung out' and to make me "look like the crazy one" (classic gas-lighter).

I read so much on line and in text books, etc.

SO MUCH of what he did to me was pure abuse... .sometimes I hate to even think it's a PD; but that he is just evil... Just a bad person.

Is there such a thing? Just a bad person? Can you just be a bad person and NOT have a PD?

[lipstick]

Divorced legally for 9 months.

Have not seen him for 8 months.

This was his 'trick'... .to keep me on the hook... .do things he knows I would notice so I would go to him and say "what's this"... .to start a conversation/fight... .but moreso to keep me on the hook.

That way he could say "shes the one who contacted me, I didn't contact her".

It was never that he 'regretted what he did' or 'had remorse'. He is incapable of those emotions.

It was to keep me 'strung out' and to make me "look like the crazy one" (classic gas-lighter).

I read so much on line and in text books, etc.

SO MUCH of what he did to me was pure abuse... .sometimes I hate to even think it's a PD; but that he is just evil... Just a bad person.

Is there such a thing? Just a bad person? Can you just be a bad person and NOT have a PD?

GoingPlaces,

Again - my apologies. Doubly so as you were married to this person.  Yep - they like to put the ownership back on you to escape blame or responsibility of any kind.  Typical.  Yes, you were abused. Most definitely. Love doesn't manipulate, shame, criticize and intentionally damage.

Yes - I believe you can be a bad person and not have a PD.  But what difference does it really make in the end? If you go around hurting people that you supposedly "love" and that love you in return - it's still wrong. PD or no PD. The only difference I can see is that bad folk with no PD might wise up and try to change their ways. A disordered person will not (in most cases). 

[lipstick]

Yep - just got "hit" again at 9:45 a.m... It almost seems now like he's just trying to take me with him wherever he goes.  So heartbreaking and sad.  But again - his to own.   

Off to do chores !   

[going places]

I don't know if you were abused, but this sounds like a trick... .

To keep you thinking about him.

To keep you watching to see if he's watching.

To keep HIM on YOUR mind... .

From what I have been thru, this looks like a manipulation/control play on his part,

[fromheeltoheal]

If you're honest with yourself, does it bother you lipstick?  You probably have a copy of that vid on your computer, so deleting it from FB would be no biggie, up to you to decide if it matters.

[downwhim]

GoingPlaces,

Again - my apologies. Doubly so as you were married to this person.  Yep - they like to put the ownership back on you to escape blame or responsibility of any kind.  Typical.  Yes, you were abused. Most definitely. Love doesn't manipulate, shame, criticize and intentionally damage.

Yes - I believe you can be a bad person and not have a PD.  But what difference does it really make in the end? If you go around hurting people that you supposedly "love" and that love you in return - it's still wrong. PD or no PD. The only difference I can see is that bad folk with no PD might wise up and try to change their ways. A disordered person will not (in most cases).  love


It is amazing what a BPD thinks love is. They can stock us from afar. Our job is to get healthy and move on from their screwed up life. We chose them now we have to detach and keep our boundaries in check.

I get angry at myself for staying so long with an abusive person. I then remind myself that I was tricked, had never been around someone with a mental disorder before and was totally unprepared for the rollercoaster ride. I said at one point, how can you just love and hate me on and off and he just folded his arms and turned on the old silent treatment.

What is it going to be like when I am able to be with a normal person again?

My daughter in law said "let him keep that video of the wedding" he is playing God with. She said they have enough pictures and he is playing a game. He wants my engagement ring back so he is going to withhold the "gift" he was giving my son.

Cruel, mean, evil, ... .I am no longer taking his emotional candy. He is incapable of nurturance, commitment and giving true love. So, he continues on with this immature behavior for attention. I am strict N/C. Not getting hooked in again.

[lipstick]

If you're honest with yourself, does it bother you lipstick?  You probably have a copy of that vid on your computer, so deleting it from FB would be no biggie, up to you to decide if it matters.

Hi FHTH,

At this point - no, it doesn't bother me. Kind of fascinating to see the obsessive behavior in action.  He's not hurting anyone or anything by watching the videos. I went through a phase where I doubted if he even had a disorder of any kind. This sort of re-confirms that he does. Does that make sense? If he gets some sort of comfort from this - then fine.

[lipstick]

I don't know if you were abused, but this sounds like a trick... .

To keep you thinking about him.

To keep you watching to see if he's watching.

To keep HIM on YOUR mind... .

From what I have been thru, this looks like a manipulation/control play on his part,

Goingplaces,

I believe the Silent Treatment is a form of emotional abuse. So, yes. I was abused. My ex is not violent. He's passive-aggressive. Which can sometimes be worse.

And again - he isn't very tech-savvy, so I don't think he knows that his "views" can be seen. I could be wrong - but I really don't care if he watches them. He's not hurting anyone by doing so. I don't feel anything, really, one way or the other.   

[fromheeltoheal]

I went through a phase where I doubted if he even had a disorder of any kind. This sort of re-confirms that he does. Does that make sense?

Yes, it makes sense.  My ex tried to contact me for a year after I left her, always on dates that were 'coincidentally' significant dates in our relationship (uh huh), and as I detached and learned about the disorder the things she said or typed became more and more transparent, confirmed my rookie 'diagnosis', and validated that I actually had my act together and was acting sanely, at least by comparison.  Not a bad thing, although I also didn't mind when they stopped.

[apollotech]

"My daughter in law said "let him keep that video of the wedding" he is playing God with. She said they have enough pictures and he is playing a game."

downwhim,

I have had the pleasure of reading many of your post on these boards. Your posts have helped me along my way. I know, through your writings, that you are a mature and intelligent woman. That being said, let's look at who got what in the video debacle. (I understand that the wedding was a onetime event and the video was a "recording" of said event and, therefore, irreplaceable.):

What you have/got:

A son and new daughter in law that will continue to enrich your life in ways that you can't even imagine. And the same can be said for your enrichment of their lives. Their lives are dynamic, as is yours, new events, ceremonies, etc. will occur. You will participate in those. In general, you are in life!

What he has/got:

A static recording of a onetime event (This is not said as a belittlement of the wedding and/or ceremony mind you.). He has a recording of life.

I am not a smart man, but I know who came out on top in that deal.

[lipstick]

I went through a phase where I doubted if he even had a disorder of any kind. This sort of re-confirms that he does. Does that make sense?

Yes, it makes sense.  My ex tried to contact me for a year after I left her, always on dates that were 'coincidentally' significant dates in our relationship (uh huh), and as I detached and learned about the disorder the things she said or typed became more and more transparent, confirmed my rookie 'diagnosis', and validated that I actually had my act together and was acting sanely, at least by comparison.  Not a bad thing, although I also didn't mind when they stopped.

FHTH,

Funny you should mention the whole significant dates thing. Next month marks a VERY significant "anniversary" date of sorts for the ex and I. Hell, he even created a separate FB page devoted to me. He made his date of birth this upcoming "anniversary" date on the page.  

I feel so sorry for him at times. Then I remember how callously he treated me and how long it took to recover. I do finally understand how I dodged a major bullet with him. And that his dumping me was probably the best thing that could have happened.  

My mother has asked me if I would welcome him back into my life as a casual (and distant!) Facebook friend if he works up the courage to reach out. I feel like this is something I could handle. I view him as a child now. A sad, scared child. Not as a romantic interest of any kind.  Wow! I've come a long way !    


ApolloTech,

EXCELLENT post and observations! Bravo!

[fromheeltoheal]

My mother has asked me if I would welcome him back into my life as a casual (and distant!) Facebook friend if he works up the courage to reach out. I feel like this is something I could handle. I view him as a child now. A sad, scared child. Not as a romantic interest of any kind.

Although would you really want a sad, scared child as a friend?  I considered a 'friendship' with my ex, for a minute anyway, and then connected with what is friendship?  It's a mutually beneficial relationship based on trust and respect.  Well, I didn't trust my ex, had no reason to, and she was disrespectful to me more times than I can count; she's not qualified to be my friend.  And then of course I had to look at any underlying reasons for wanting to be her 'friend' and none of them were good.  She had to go for good.

Sidebar: she started a business recently, one she's been working on since we were together in 2012, and I got a spam marketing email from her, promoting it.  Not wanting to leave well enough alone and just let it go, she put me on the distribution list.  'Unsubscribe' shall we?

[lipstick]

My mother has asked me if I would welcome him back into my life as a casual (and distant!) Facebook friend if he works up the courage to reach out. I feel like this is something I could handle. I view him as a child now. A sad, scared child. Not as a romantic interest of any kind.

Although would you really want a sad, scared child as a friend?  I considered a 'friendship' with my ex, for a minute anyway, and then connected with what is friendship?  It's a mutually beneficial relationship based on trust and respect.  Well, I didn't trust my ex, had no reason to, and she was disrespectful to me more times than I can count; she's not qualified to be my friend.  And then of course I had to look at any underlying reasons for wanting to be her 'friend' and none of them were good.  She had to go for good.

Sidebar: she started a business recently, one she's been working on since we were together in 2012, and I got a spam marketing email from her, promoting it.  Not wanting to leave well enough alone and just let it go, she put me on the distribution list.  'Unsubscribe' shall we?

FHTH,

I hear you. Well, I don't expect anything to come from all of this FB nonsense. As you stated - it's probably just a way to self-soothe for whatever may be happening in his world.

He is actually in the best place possible to keep his disorder in check. And I think that's important. He is married to a disordered person as well. And his life is one of routine. Mundane, boring routine. The same things over and over and over. Strictly controlled by his spouse (mother). They go to the same places week in and week out. For years now. Change is not acceptable. Change is scary. Must not deviate from the routine.

I imagine this makes him feel safe. He used the word "comfortable" to describe it. I would think this keeps those nasty abandonment fears at bay. I'm glad I'm not a part of that whole dynamic. It would destroy me.

[EaglesJuju]

This thread has reached its post limit, and is now closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for your understanding... .