For those who think they've been forgotten...

[lipstick]

To all,

This is what I struggled with the most. That after the discard - my ex completely forgot about me and our relationship. That hurt so badly!  Well, for those of you struggling with this - let me assure you that you are NOT forgotten.

I have had no contact with my ex in over 2.5 years. Got solid confirmation yesterday that he is indeed the one who has been obsessively viewing my (2) Facebook videos over and over for about a month now. Why is he doing this? I don't know. But it is proof that we're definitely not forgotten! And just so you know - my ex blocked me on FB over a year ago. I haven't checked to see if I'm unblocked, because I don't really care. He's probably using one of his alternate accounts for this activity.

So I hope this is a bit of comfort to those of you who are hurting right now. You aren't forgotten. They are just masters at making it seem that way. Mine certainly is !  

Have a great weekend, everyone!  

[Blimblam]

That must be pretty validating. Lol.  Part of me wants to accept your projection that if your ex did than my ex is too but something in me is saying not to at least fully.  It's kind of like that feeling I get when I get a powerball ticket. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Well, for those of you struggling with this - let me assure you that you are NOT forgotten.

No, we're not forgotten.  As we know, borderlines have trouble regulating emotions, so when they get too strong one defense mechanism is to compartmentalize those feelings, make us disappear in a corner of their brains so you no longer 'exist', and then throw in some projection so any remaining 'you' is a scumbag and then some distraction with a replacement and poof!  We're gone.

the one who has been obsessively viewing my (2) Facebook videos over and over for about a month now. Why is he doing this? I don't know.

But no, the inability to regulate emotions is still there, and when things aren't going so well and there's a quiet time we pop out of the corners of a borderline psyche and say hello, the borderline sees an old attachment and turns to it for soothing, cybersoothing in this case, which works for a while, in between bouts of curling up in a fetal position and rocking back and forth.  A hallucination on my part you may think, but I witnessed my ex do that using someone who left her a decade prior.  Guess things weren't going so well for us.

Compartmentalizing doesn't work for me, it's just stashing sht away that will pop up later.  I've found it more effective to think and think and think, feel and feel and feel, until all of the emotion is gone and the memories are benign.  Time doesn't heal unless we move along with it.  Sounds like you're doing well lipstick, and you have a great weekend too!

[lipstick]

That must be pretty validating. Lol.  Part of me wants to accept your projection that if your ex did than my ex is too but something in me is saying not to at least fully.  It's kind of like that feeling I get when I get a powerball ticket. 

Hi Blim,

Actually its rather creepy. Always twice a day. Always in groups of 3 views at a time. Always very early in the morning and then when he would be getting home from work or on break. I just ignore. Doesn't matter. He isn't going to contact me anyway.

[rlhmm]

 lipstick, how do you know he's viewing your facebook?    i'm curious... .

[lipstick]

lipstick, how do you know he's viewing your facebook?    i'm curious... .

[/qu

ote]

A mutual friend confirmed.  Caught him in the act.

[Leaving]

To all,

This is what I struggled with the most. That after the discard - my ex completely forgot about me and our relationship. That hurt so badly!  Well, for those of you struggling with this - let me assure you that you are NOT forgotten.

I have had no contact with my ex in over 2.5 years. Got solid confirmation yesterday that he is indeed the one who has been obsessively viewing my (2) Facebook videos over and over for about a month now. Why is he doing this? I don't know. But it is proof that we're definitely not forgotten! And just so you know - my ex blocked me on FB over a year ago. I haven't checked to see if I'm unblocked, because I don't really care. He's probably using one of his alternate accounts for this activity.

So I hope this is a bit of comfort to those of you who are hurting right now. You aren't forgotten. They are just masters at making it seem that way. Mine certainly is !  

Have a great weekend, everyone!  

Lipstick,

You're probably correct that we're not forgotten but I have to agree with heeltoheal about how they compartmentalize us and their feelings about us. Our perception of how they remember us is most likely skewed because we naturally assume they genuinely cared about us like we did them which is why and how we ended up with them to begin with. We make assumptions about people that aren't always accurate!

 I'd like to add that from my experience with my BPD mother ( as well as BPD husband) that what we perceived as genuine  emotions from them was never unconditional and therefore, not what we thought we were seeing or experiencing. Even when they appeared to be showing genuine emotion, there was a hidden agenda of some kind. Maybe they were trying to connect with us on some level because they wanted to please us for some reason- most likely because they wanted something in return like admiration, affection, intimacy, money, a new car. Maybe they split and became the loving little children that wanted to openly express their love for us.  It's very exhausting trying to analyze their motives all the time. My BPD mother can dispose of me without a tear or an ounce of remorse and trust me, based on what other relatives have told me... .she truly does not care at all when her daughter and son are estranged. She puts us and any emotions associated with us into a separate compartment and objectifies us.  She will easily replace us because she is a master at seeking and finding new supply of love, attention and admiration.  As a child, I thought I was loved and I thought she loved me because she was my mother any time she seemed to care about me or do something nice for me I thought it was because she truly loved me but that wasn't true. She loved me as long as I provided what she needed and made her look and feel good but as an individual, I never existed. Every single thing she has ever done for me- including buying baby food for me in a snow storm one February in 1962- has been held over my head.    If a mother can so easily dispose of her children this way, imagine how easy it is for a BPD partner to do the same.  I have never had a mother or experienced the unconditional love of a parent and I know now that I can never experience that with anyone who has BPD.  

[Ripped Heart]

I'm sorry to hear you found that out lipstick, how has it made you feel finding out that your ex has been obsessing over you for the past month?  

My fears were confirmed over something similar recently with my exN/BPDw. For the first time in 3 years, I put up a profile pic on FB. My exN/BPDw is blocked on there anyway and the pic was of me and a couple of my friends on a night out. The following morning, received several nasty emails from exN/BPDw so confirmed for me also that she does lurk and spy, even if she is blocked, she is finding a way around it.

Like you, I do find it creepy because after 3 years NC with exN/BPDw, you kind of feel vulnerable at the prospect of being stalked from a distance. We may all feel a little like that anyway but for me, it feels much worse when you realise it's a reality.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Well then this might explain the unknown hit from someone at a university in my state on my LinkedIn account last month. My ex and I visited the city that the university is located in, stayed there for a long Labor Day weekend at a very expensive hotel, as well as travelled there on numerous times just for fun. The last time we were together we even drove there for some after Christmas shopping in early 2014. She has a cousin who lives there who is in the music business and she and I flew into and out of their airport on many occassions. She also works at a university, just not that one.

My LinkedIn acct is mostly inactive on my part. And I rarely have hits to it. Rarely, like once every 4 months or so, and they are never anonymous. didn't think anything about the hit until the last couple of weeks and the thought popped into my head, why would someone from that university anonymously check out my profile. And then the thought crossed my mind, I wonder if it was her trying to mess with me. I could see her trying to see if I could figure out it was her by using innocuous clues like a university in a city we visited. I may be wrong, and it may just be a coincidence. But when I first saw it I didn't think a thing about it. It wasn't til about 3 weeks later that the thought came to me that it might be her. So I don't know for sure, but it seems even a little suspicion about them can mean a lot.

They wouldn't have to do such things if they gave clean breaks in relationships instead of behaving like the fools they are.

[JRT]

Lipstick

You already know the story about how I caught mine stalking me on FB a couple of months ago. I also suspect that she also stops by my LinkedIn account (which I have an anonymous visitor every couple of days ... .even though there is nothing new there at all. I suspect that she is checking to see if I still have the same job). I have also been getting some weird calls with spoofed phone numbers where there is no one on the other end of the line when I answer... .maybe its all nothing, dunno.

On the other hand, it has been 6 months since we b/u and I have not heard one word from her - the silent treatment is incredible. I still have a ton of her stuff including a trunk of highly sentimental family momentos and such. I sent an email to her that she did not respond to. Finally, I sent one to her sister who instructed me to throw it all away. I see it as a power thing: me wanted to return her property to her and her retaining power by refusing it to the extent that she is perfectly willing to see priceless possessions be thrown away.

Regardless, we all know that BPD is an attachment disorder and that they are never really able to fully shake those bonds. I really wish for all of our sakes that it was the healthy type of attachment. That they shake off their demons successfully and they come back healthy, full of remorse and ready to take on a healthy r/s, but we know that this is not true. In our case, they add an additional layer of hurt on top of what they have already served up by giving us the silent treatment just like the 3 year olds that they really are. While that hurts for us, I wonder what it would be like if they raged and blew up our telephones, texts and emails like most of the other accounts that I have read?

I am left with nothing but guesses... .Not a day goes by where I don't shake my head and say to myself, "I just can't believe it". Every now and again I have to explain what happened to someone and find myself saying, "That's correct: she loved me SO much, that it freaked her out and ran away without saying a word and she now hates me". Although I don't present it that way, it IS the way that it is understood by others with the final irony that I am the one that is crazy (or hiding the real truth).

[lipstick]

Well, for those of you struggling with this - let me assure you that you are NOT forgotten.

No, we're not forgotten.  As we know, borderlines have trouble regulating emotions, so when they get too strong one defense mechanism is to compartmentalize those feelings, make us disappear in a corner of their brains so you no longer 'exist', and then throw in some projection so any remaining 'you' is a scumbag and then some distraction with a replacement and poof!  We're gone.

the one who has been obsessively viewing my (2) Facebook videos over and over for about a month now. Why is he doing this? I don't know.

But no, the inability to regulate emotions is still there, and when things aren't going so well and there's a quiet time we pop out of the corners of a borderline psyche and say hello, the borderline sees an old attachment and turns to it for soothing, cybersoothing in this case, which works for a while, in between bouts of curling up in a fetal position and rocking back and forth.  A hallucination on my part you may think, but I witnessed my ex do that using someone who left her a decade prior.  Guess things weren't going so well for us.

Compartmentalizing doesn't work for me, it's just stashing sht away that will pop up later.  I've found it more effective to think and think and think, feel and feel and feel, until all of the emotion is gone and the memories are benign.  Time doesn't heal unless we move along with it.  Sounds like you're doing well lipstick, and you have a great weekend too!

Hi FHTH,

Let me take this opportunity to thank you. You are one of the main reasons why I've been able to finally let go of my ex. Your words got through to me (along with several others on this forum). What you said made sense and I was able to stop taking my ex's behaviors personally. Once I did that - everything kind of eased up. I still love him very much. But not in "that way". I feel pity for him that he has to live this way. I also think it's terribly sad that he just can't bring himself to reach out to me. I know he wants to. What's been going on this past month - to me - is proof of that. He and I have known each other a very long time. About thirty years. It's heartbreaking that he feels he can't talk with me. That watching my silly FB videos is as close as he can get.

Anyway - thank you again for your support and encouragement. It's so very appreciated and I am thankful ! 

[lipstick]

I'm sorry to hear you found that out lipstick, how has it made you feel finding out that your ex has been obsessing over you for the past month?  

My fears were confirmed over something similar recently with my exN/BPDw. For the first time in 3 years, I put up a profile pic on FB. My exN/BPDw is blocked on there anyway and the pic was of me and a couple of my friends on a night out. The following morning, received several nasty emails from exN/BPDw so confirmed for me also that she does lurk and spy, even if she is blocked, she is finding a way around it.

Like you, I do find it creepy because after 3 years NC with exN/BPDw, you kind of feel vulnerable at the prospect of being stalked from a distance. We may all feel a little like that anyway but for me, it feels much worse when you realise it's a reality.

Hi RippedHeart,

Your situation with your ex doesn't sound like much fun. I read your recent post about the new legal threats. How ridiculous!  I'm sorry that you are going through it.

How has it made me feel - knowing that he's "lurking"?  A bit creepy - but mostly very sad. A part of me felt a wee bit of validation that yes, he still thinks of me. But mostly I felt sadness that he has to hide in the shadows this way. That he's too shamed / fearful / whatever to actually reach out and have a conversation with me. I'm not a monster. And I no longer hold any hard feelings towards him. I feel pity for him and the way he lives. He's now 52 years old. Doesn't have many friends. His one "bestie" from high school isn't speaking with him. He and I go back a long way. Thirty years. It breaks my heart that he simply cannot bring himself to communicate with me.

Life goes on, though. 

[lipstick]

Well then this might explain the unknown hit from someone at a university in my state on my LinkedIn account last month. My ex and I visited the city that the university is located in, stayed there for a long Labor Day weekend at a very expensive hotel, as well as travelled there on numerous times just for fun. The last time we were together we even drove there for some after Christmas shopping in early 2014. She has a cousin who lives there who is in the music business and she and I flew into and out of their airport on many occassions. She also works at a university, just not that one.

My LinkedIn acct is mostly inactive on my part. And I rarely have hits to it. Rarely, like once every 4 months or so, and they are never anonymous. didn't think anything about the hit until the last couple of weeks and the thought popped into my head, why would someone from that university anonymously check out my profile. And then the thought crossed my mind, I wonder if it was her trying to mess with me. I could see her trying to see if I could figure out it was her by using innocuous clues like a university in a city we visited. I may be wrong, and it may just be a coincidence. But when I first saw it I didn't think a thing about it. It wasn't til about 3 weeks later that the thought came to me that it might be her. So I don't know for sure, but it seems even a little suspicion about them can mean a lot.

They wouldn't have to do such things if they gave clean breaks in relationships instead of behaving like the fools they are.

Hi ShadowInTheNight,

You would be surprised at the lengths they will go to in order to keep that "connection" with you. I would bet that the anonymous LinkedIn hits are your ex.

I discovered what my ex was doing over a month ago. Didn't know for certain that it was him at that time. He had been looking at (4) FB videos of mine from back in December. Silly Xmas stuff  - but I'm "narrating" and laughing on one of them. That was the video that was getting the most views. I recently posted (2) more videos. Those are the ones that are being hit daily now. No "Likes" as this would out him. But always views in groups of (3). In the early a.m. and then again in the late afternoon. I guess he likes hearing me laugh and talk.

We'll see if either yours or mine gets up the courage to actually communicate. I doubt mine will. Which is sad. But probably for the best.   

[Tom P]

Very interesting thread lipstick. And tbh im beginning to wonder if im going through similar atm. As those of you who have read my story will know. I was finally replaced in January in the middle of a recycle attempt with my BPD ex partner (i will be posting an update of the past few months very soon) Needless to say i was like many of you,struggling to understand how i could be forgotten and erased from history by her. A few days ago i decided to re-watch a youtube video i feature in (without giving too much away,and this may very well do so,i  am a character actor at a local tourist attraction,back when i was still with my ex partner i discovered a video of me had been posted by a visitor to the attraction,i did not know this footage existed. and i remember chuckling with her at the time about how strange it was seeing the act from the other side so to speak) this video hasnt really been viewed much in the 18 months since it was first posted,in fact it was a long running joke that most of the views where me ;-) But in the past month or so,the amount of views of this video has grown quite considerably (to over 6 times its previous viewing) although this is just a suspicion,the one thing i do know is my ex had a great fondness for the character i played (she used to tell everyone she was dating two people,me and my alter-ego,and would regularly address both myself and my character in birthday cards and the one or two love notes i received in the course of our "great romance" javascript:void(0);

Sadly i cannot confirm or deny if it is her viewing the video,but i do have my suspicions

[lipstick]

Hi TomP,

"Sadly i cannot confirm or deny if it is her viewing the video,but i do have my suspicions"  -  it's probably her. Especially if the video has sat dormant for quite a while. That's how I discovered what my ex was doing. He had to dig WAY down my FB Timeline to find those (4) Xmas videos. Then began hitting them HARD until I put up the new ones. There had been zero activity on them since December.

And like clockwork - I just got the late afternoon "views". (1) each of the (2) new videos. He only does a "quickie" in the afternoons. I suspect he's at work and on a break. In the early a.m. (around 4:30) it's always three or four views.

Don't you find it heartbreaking that they have to hide in the shadows like this?

**Correction** - the video he seems to like the most has now gotten (3) views this afternoon and still (1) for the other of the two. He must be on his lunch hour ! LOL !   

[JRT]

Very interesting thread lipstick. And tbh im beginning to wonder if im going through similar atm. As those of you who have read my story will know. I was finally replaced in January in the middle of a recycle attempt with my BPD ex partner (i will be posting an update of the past few months very soon) Needless to say i was like many of you,struggling to understand how i could be forgotten and erased from history by her. A few days ago i decided to re-watch a youtube video i feature in (without giving too much away,and this may very well do so,i  am a character actor at a local tourist attraction,back when i was still with my ex partner i discovered a video of me had been posted by a visitor to the attraction,i did not know this footage existed. and i remember chuckling with her at the time about how strange it was seeing the act from the other side so to speak) this video hasnt really been viewed much in the 18 months since it was first posted,in fact it was a long running joke that most of the views where me ;-) But in the past month or so,the amount of views of this video has grown quite considerably (to over 6 times its previous viewing) although this is just a suspicion,the one thing i do know is my ex had a great fondness for the character i played (she used to tell everyone she was dating two people,me and my alter-ego,and would regularly address both myself and my character in birthday cards and the one or two love notes i received in the course of our "great romance" javascript:void(0);

Sadly i cannot confirm or deny if it is her viewing the video,but i do have my suspicions

Tom

that's interesting... .I caught mine in a ruse that I created for her a couple of months back on FB (at the time I made my profile public to accommodate the caper)... .she 100% took the bait but couldn't bring herself to be the one to make contact directly... .she got a GF to do it on her behalf... .to this day I have no idea why the aversion is so extreme and the lengths that she has gone through to avoid as much as the sound of my voice (she called the cops on me)... .meanwhile, she stalks me on FB and LinkedIn! Its... .it's... .it's INSANE!

[lipstick]

Hi JRT,

The key word - INSANE.  You seem to be doing much better than when you first joined bpdfamily.  Are you?

Yes - your ex is probably keeping tabs on you. But it can take a really long time for someone with BPD to reach a point where they have the courage to contact you. It took my ex over a YEAR before he got up the nerve to try and friend me on Facebook. He was trying to get my attention for several months prior to this - but I didn't have a clue!

When I wouldn't accept the Request - it must have really triggered the whole rejection thing with him. So he blocked me to punish me for my mistreatment of him. Even though he was the one who discarded me and dished out the Silent Treatment. So, yeah - INSANE.

[JRT]

Hi JRT,

The key word - INSANE.  You seem to be doing much better than when you first joined bpdfamily.  Are you?

Yes - your ex is probably keeping tabs on you. But it can take a really long time for someone with BPD to reach a point where they have the courage to contact you. It took my ex over a YEAR before he got up the nerve to try and friend me on Facebook. He was trying to get my attention for several months prior to this - but I didn't have a clue!

When I wouldn't accept the Request - it must have really triggered the whole rejection thing with him. So he blocked me to punish me for my mistreatment of him. Even though he was the one who discarded me and dished out the Silent Treatment. So, yeah - INSANE.

I fell that I very much am at just around the 6 month mark... .I'm dating (not successfully, that's another story) and I don't have that feeling like a heard of rhinos are camped out on my heart. I don't really think about her in a way, I think about the r/s and miss the things that were appealing to me about it. I am still in amazement that she did what she did and the way that she did it.

I think that yours is a parallel situation. How was your ex attempting to get your attention? If mine was and I recognized it (though that is her MO on previous recycles), I would not take it since the last attempt to call her on Xmas was met with a call from the cops! I am just not going to risk some legal complications with her... .its just not worth it.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Hi JRT,

The key word - INSANE.  You seem to be doing much better than when you first joined bpdfamily.  Are you?

Yes - your ex is probably keeping tabs on you. But it can take a really long time for someone with BPD to reach a point where they have the courage to contact you. It took my ex over a YEAR before he got up the nerve to try and friend me on Facebook. He was trying to get my attention for several months prior to this - but I didn't have a clue!

When I wouldn't accept the Request - it must have really triggered the whole rejection thing with him. So he blocked me to punish me for my mistreatment of him. Even though he was the one who discarded me and dished out the Silent Treatment. So, yeah - INSANE.

Do you think that was a just checking in kind of thing or perhaps the beginning of a recycle? My ex discarded me and has done the Silent treatment. We were together 10 yrs, not having arguments, finishing up a protracted legal battle with her exH, and poof! She just fades away. A month or so later she sends me a typed note in my birthday card telling me she's decided to start dating men again. She never even said to me she didn't love me anymore and hadn't been in love with me. (We are both women, her Hispanic. apparently there's a rule that the only daughter in a Hispanic family can't be a lesbian. I didnt have that rule book, so only had her word to go on about it.)

But seriously, that's what she always said, I can't be the only daughter in an Hispanic family and be gay!  10 years together, even told me she would probably tell her oldest child about us, this when we were discussing places to live after they got grown. Poof!

[lipstick]

JRT,

Good to hear that you are doing better. Yay, you!

To answer your question - how was my ex trying to get my attention? Beginning in May of 2013 - he would put up a monthly post on FB that was specifically for me. When my birthday rolled around (he discarded me two day before my b'day the prior year) he put up a bunch of posts and I was getting "Private Name, Private Number" calls to my cell phone.  

Then he started "following" me on Facebook at the beginning of December. He got impatient with that and changed it to a Friend Request. When I didn't accept the request - I was blocked. Been that way ever since as far as I know. Now the new behavior. The FB video "viewings".  It's his deal and I will leave him to it.

[sun seeker]

 Hey all

Seems like im one of the few who wants to be forgotten by my dexBPDgf. Im having a  it of a hard day today. Wondering if im forgotten doesn't even register with me.

If you are forgotten then you have peace and quiet My thoughts anyway.

[lipstick]

Hi JRT,

The key word - INSANE.  You seem to be doing much better than when you first joined bpdfamily.  Are you?

Yes - your ex is probably keeping tabs on you. But it can take a really long time for someone with BPD to reach a point where they have the courage to contact you. It took my ex over a YEAR before he got up the nerve to try and friend me on Facebook. He was trying to get my attention for several months prior to this - but I didn't have a clue!

When I wouldn't accept the Request - it must have really triggered the whole rejection thing with him. So he blocked me to punish me for my mistreatment of him. Even though he was the one who discarded me and dished out the Silent Treatment. So, yeah - INSANE.

Do you think that was a just checking in kind of thing or perhaps the beginning of a recycle? My ex discarded me and has done the Silent treatment. We were together 10 yrs, not having arguments, finishing up a protracted legal battle with her exH, and poof! She just fades away. A month or so later she sends me a typed note in my birthday card telling me she's decided to start dating men again. She never even said to me she didn't love me anymore and hadn't been in love with me. (We are both women, her Hispanic. apparently there's a rule that the only daughter in a Hispanic family can't be a lesbian. I didnt have that rule book, so only had her word to go on about it.)

But seriously, that's what she always said, I can't be the only daughter in an Hispanic family and be gay!  10 years together, even told me she would probably tell her oldest child about us, this when we were discussing places to live after they got grown. Poof!

Hi ShadowInTheNight.

If you are asking me - I think my ex was looking for a recycle, yes. But he wanted ME to own it. And he also wanted me to pretend as if nothing had happened. I gave up EVERYTHING for this man. My marriage, my home, my whole life. For what turned out to be a pack of lies. And I will be honest, here. I was overjoyed to get contact from him! I sat there and stupidly waited for some type of communication from him to go along with the Friend Request. I didn't get it. I got blocked, instead. My punishment for not doing as he expected!  

I have spied on my ex's Facebook page more times than I care to admit over the course of the past two years. And have had my heart ripped out because of it. Many times over. But it eventually hardened my heart and showed me that this person is not "normal" (whatever that means!).  And with time - my feeling for him have faded away. I still love him - but not in the way that I did. It's based more in pity, now.  

His new actions really mean nothing. If he's not going to communicate and try to mend fences with me - then what do  I care if he looks at my FB page? I don't.

I'm sorry that you were so mistreated. Your ex sounds very confused about her sexuality. I have read that this can be a trait of BPD. Do you want her back? I can understand that. I truly can.    

[hope2727]

I feel completely discarded. He hates me. I reached out to apologize for something and he just lashed out at me.

He was viewing my online dating profile but then he deleted his and posted new pics of him and the replacement on FB. I have him blocked but I hear things from friends.

I wish he could just get well and be happy. We were happy. Truly happy, both of us, before he got sick. I miss him. Not crazy him at the end but sweet him at the beginning. I know they are the same person but I him him none the less.

I have a date tonight. Just coffee. I don't want to go in truth but I will. The last time i had a coffee date I didn't want to go on I ended up in love with a man with BPD. Sigh. I hope it goes better this time.

[JRT]

Hey all

Seems like im one of the few who wants to be forgotten by my dexBPDgf. Im having a  it of a hard day today. Wondering if im forgotten doesn't even register with me.

If you are forgotten then you have peace and quiet My thoughts anyway.

SS

I can understand... .there are some of us who had really great r/s's... .mine ex just walked out one day and blocked me from contact... .I WISH she was like many that I hear about that raged and gave me hell for a long time... .it would have been much easier than my reality.

[JRT]

I feel completely discarded. He hates me. I reached out to apologize for something and he just lashed out at me.

He was viewing my online dating profile but then he deleted his and posted new pics of him and the replacement on FB. I have him blocked but I hear things from friends.

I wish he could just get well and be happy. We were happy. Truly happy, both of us, before he got sick. I miss him. Not crazy him at the end but sweet him at the beginning. I know they are the same person but I him him none the less.

I have a date tonight. Just coffee. I don't want to go in truth but I will. The last time i had a coffee date I didn't want to go on I ended up in love with a man with BPD. Sigh. I hope it goes better this time.

Good luck on your date Hope... .I hope you have fun!

[LimboFL]

Good luck on your date, Hope! We are all rooting for you!

[fromheeltoheal]

Well, for those of you struggling with this - let me assure you that you are NOT forgotten.

No, we're not forgotten.  As we know, borderlines have trouble regulating emotions, so when they get too strong one defense mechanism is to compartmentalize those feelings, make us disappear in a corner of their brains so you no longer 'exist', and then throw in some projection so any remaining 'you' is a scumbag and then some distraction with a replacement and poof!  We're gone.

the one who has been obsessively viewing my (2) Facebook videos over and over for about a month now. Why is he doing this? I don't know.

But no, the inability to regulate emotions is still there, and when things aren't going so well and there's a quiet time we pop out of the corners of a borderline psyche and say hello, the borderline sees an old attachment and turns to it for soothing, cybersoothing in this case, which works for a while, in between bouts of curling up in a fetal position and rocking back and forth.  A hallucination on my part you may think, but I witnessed my ex do that using someone who left her a decade prior.  Guess things weren't going so well for us.

Compartmentalizing doesn't work for me, it's just stashing sht away that will pop up later.  I've found it more effective to think and think and think, feel and feel and feel, until all of the emotion is gone and the memories are benign.  Time doesn't heal unless we move along with it.  Sounds like you're doing well lipstick, and you have a great weekend too!

Hi FHTH,

Let me take this opportunity to thank you. You are one of the main reasons why I've been able to finally let go of my ex. Your words got through to me (along with several others on this forum). What you said made sense and I was able to stop taking my ex's behaviors personally. Once I did that - everything kind of eased up. I still love him very much. But not in "that way". I feel pity for him that he has to live this way. I also think it's terribly sad that he just can't bring himself to reach out to me. I know he wants to. What's been going on this past month - to me - is proof of that. He and I have known each other a very long time. About thirty years. It's heartbreaking that he feels he can't talk with me. That watching my silly FB videos is as close as he can get.

Anyway - thank you again for your support and encouragement. It's so very appreciated and I am thankful ! 

You're welcome lipstick.  I'm glad that my musings as I worked to find my way helped, guess that's what family is all about.  You might be at a place, as I am, where we can honestly call our relationship with a borderline a gift, because it 'inspired' us to dig deep and discover things about ourselves that we probably would have discovered anyway, eventually, but got a little push from them crafty borderlines.  I'm happier and more content now than I've ever been and there's a bright future ahead, for all of us.  Take care of you!

[fromheeltoheal]

I have a date tonight. Just coffee. I don't want to go in truth but I will. The last time i had a coffee date I didn't want to go on I ended up in love with a man with BPD. Sigh. I hope it goes better this time.

WooHoo!  I'm happy to report there is no known correlation between coffee and BPD, but maybe have tea instead?  Have fun hope, and it's just a date, an opportunity to connect with a human and consider possibility.  Exciting!

[JRT]

I have a date as well... .great thread... .see you all later

[apollotech]

"How has it made me feel - knowing that he's "lurking"?  A bit creepy - but mostly very sad. A part of me felt a wee bit of validation that yes, he still thinks of me. But mostly I felt sadness that he has to hide in the shadows this way. That he's too shamed / fearful / whatever to actually reach out and have a conversation with me. I'm not a monster. And I no longer hold any hard feelings towards him. I feel pity for him and the way he lives. He's now 52 years old. Doesn't have many friends. His one "bestie" from high school isn't speaking with him. He and I go back a long way. Thirty years. It breaks my heart that he simply cannot bring himself to communicate with me."

I am with you lipstick, anyone that doesn't believe that BPD is it's own punishment is not seeing what goes on in the pwBPD's life. It is a sad testament that this man, someone that you have know for thirty years, does not have the tools to even open communications with you. My situation with my BPDexgf I am afraid is going to end the same way. I hope that I can reach a level of indifference at some point so that I can communicate with her if she cannot bring herself to do it. As in your situation, there are several years of history between us, good history; it all turned sour when romance/intimacy was introduced into the relationship. That's when the BPD surfaced and things flew apart.