BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,
New here

I’m hoping for some perspective from people who either live with BPD or have been in relationships with someone who does.

I was dating someone for about three months. We saw each other most weekends, got on incredibly well, and were talking about future plans over the next few months. Our families knew about each other and it all felt warm, consistent and genuinely happy.

Around ten days ago, we had a huge argument that felt like it came out of nowhere to me. He ended the relationship very abruptly, saying he didn’t see it going anywhere. At that point, I didn’t know he had BPD.

After things calmed down, he came back to talk and hug me and explained that he has BPD and that he’s supposed to walk away during arguments so he doesn’t say things he regrets. He also said he thought we should stay finished because he couldn’t give me what I needed.

Since then, he removed me from his social media, but continued watching my stories for a few days before removing himself. He blocked me on WhatsApp, then unblocked me a few days ago and has been viewing my WhatsApp stories.

I’m completely heartbroken. If I’d known about the BPD earlier, I feel like I could have responded differently and maybe handled conflict in a more supportive way.

I’m not looking to blame him — I just genuinely want to understand:

• Is this kind of push–pull dynamic common during splits?
• Does unblocking and watching stories usually mean anything?
• Is space the best thing to give right now?
• If you were in his position, what would feel safe or supportive from an ex-partner?

I care about him deeply, but I also don’t want to make things worse or push him further away. Any insight would be appreciated.

Thank you.

just about 3 months? This was a very short lived relationship. His mirroring and mask wasn't very strong. At least he walked away as to not say or do anything horrible.

Push-pull isn't only during splits, it's truly how they exist. You can wake up feeling like a God...then come home to verbal lashings because you left your toothbrush by the sink. Nothing makes sense.

Given that you know these situations are common in BPD, and you've only been dating for ~3 months, why are you so invested in possibly choosing this dynamic? Given what I know and have experienced, yes, this is sad and hurting you...but run away and don't look back. Give that energy and love to someone else?

Hello and welcome to the family- those are all excellent questions.

Years ago, it helped me to think of BPD like a physical handicap.  Let's say I broke my leg, and you and I have plans to go skiing this week with some friends.  You'd say, "Don't cancel, we'll still have a great time!"  But I'd be thinking how I'm just going to ruin things for everyone on the trip as they try to change plans to make me feel welcome.  I'm thinking about how much the trip costs, how everyone had to take time off work, get all their gear on the plane, etc.  I'd just be a burden and I'd rather stay home.

That's what your boyfriend is doing now, making excuses because he's doubting himself.  Not because he doesn't care, but because he feels like he'll never be enough and it's so unfair to you.

And in a way, he's right.  These relationships are a real challenge at times.

For your last two questions- those are double-edged swords.  Should you give him space?  Yes, but space is also working against you since he'll likely double down in his disordered thinking.  So you should reach out sparingly, even if it's to say that you're there for him when he's ready to talk.  You absolutely can't push though or he'll run for the hills.

One more thing to keep in mind.  BPD leads to disordered thinking, or splitting, which is a period of time where the person is thinking emotionally and relying almost entirely on feelings.  Things can do downhill fast and in those moments, it's not the time to argue or find reason.  Maybe they say something hurtful in the moment, and it's true for that moment.  But it may not be true a few minutes later because it was an explosion of unstable emotions.

Thank you for your advice it was so sudden to see him go from this loving person to saying awful things and breaking up with me at of the blue it was only later that he disclosed his diagnosis. I am neurodivergent so used to looking for ways to communicate and have spent so long trying to understand BPD and how I can be supportive but was at a loss on what else to do as I don’t want to make anything harder for him