Broken Up Any advice

[Princess Ruth]

Hi everyone,
New here

I’m hoping for some perspective from people who either live with BPD or have been in relationships with someone who does.

I was dating someone for about three months. We saw each other most weekends, got on incredibly well, and were talking about future plans over the next few months. Our families knew about each other and it all felt warm, consistent and genuinely happy.

Around ten days ago, we had a huge argument that felt like it came out of nowhere to me. He ended the relationship very abruptly, saying he didn’t see it going anywhere. At that point, I didn’t know he had BPD.

After things calmed down, he came back to talk and hug me and explained that he has BPD and that he’s supposed to walk away during arguments so he doesn’t say things he regrets. He also said he thought we should stay finished because he couldn’t give me what I needed.

Since then, he removed me from his social media, but continued watching my stories for a few days before removing himself. He blocked me on WhatsApp, then unblocked me a few days ago and has been viewing my WhatsApp stories.

I’m completely heartbroken. If I’d known about the BPD earlier, I feel like I could have responded differently and maybe handled conflict in a more supportive way.

I’m not looking to blame him — I just genuinely want to understand:

• Is this kind of push–pull dynamic common during splits?
• Does unblocking and watching stories usually mean anything?
• Is space the best thing to give right now?
• If you were in his position, what would feel safe or supportive from an ex-partner?

I care about him deeply, but I also don’t want to make things worse or push him further away. Any insight would be appreciated.

Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Me88]

just about 3 months? This was a very short lived relationship. His mirroring and mask wasn't very strong. At least he walked away as to not say or do anything horrible.

Push-pull isn't only during splits, it's truly how they exist. You can wake up feeling like a God...then come home to verbal lashings because you left your toothbrush by the sink. Nothing makes sense.

Given that you know these situations are common in BPD, and you've only been dating for ~3 months, why are you so invested in possibly choosing this dynamic? Given what I know and have experienced, yes, this is sad and hurting you...but run away and don't look back. Give that energy and love to someone else?

[Pook075]

I’m not looking to blame him — I just genuinely want to understand:

• Is this kind of push–pull dynamic common during splits?
• Does unblocking and watching stories usually mean anything?
• Is space the best thing to give right now?
• If you were in his position, what would feel safe or supportive from an ex-partner?

Hello and welcome to the family- those are all excellent questions.

Years ago, it helped me to think of BPD like a physical handicap.  Let's say I broke my leg, and you and I have plans to go skiing this week with some friends.  You'd say, "Don't cancel, we'll still have a great time!"  But I'd be thinking how I'm just going to ruin things for everyone on the trip as they try to change plans to make me feel welcome.  I'm thinking about how much the trip costs, how everyone had to take time off work, get all their gear on the plane, etc.  I'd just be a burden and I'd rather stay home.

That's what your boyfriend is doing now, making excuses because he's doubting himself.  Not because he doesn't care, but because he feels like he'll never be enough and it's so unfair to you.

And in a way, he's right.  These relationships are a real challenge at times.

For your last two questions- those are double-edged swords.  Should you give him space?  Yes, but space is also working against you since he'll likely double down in his disordered thinking.  So you should reach out sparingly, even if it's to say that you're there for him when he's ready to talk.  You absolutely can't push though or he'll run for the hills.

One more thing to keep in mind.  BPD leads to disordered thinking, or splitting, which is a period of time where the person is thinking emotionally and relying almost entirely on feelings.  Things can do downhill fast and in those moments, it's not the time to argue or find reason.  Maybe they say something hurtful in the moment, and it's true for that moment.  But it may not be true a few minutes later because it was an explosion of unstable emotions.

[Princess Ruth]

Hello and welcome to the family- those are all excellent questions.

Years ago, it helped me to think of BPD like a physical handicap

One more thing to keep in mind.  BPD leads to disordered thinking, or splitting, which is a period of time where the person is thinking emotionally and relying almost entirely on feelings.  Things can do downhill fast and in those moments, it's not the time to argue or find reason.  Maybe they say something hurtful in the moment, and it's true for that moment.  But it may not be true a few minutes later because it was an explosion of unstable emotions.

Thank you for your advice it was so sudden to see him go from this loving person to saying awful things and breaking up with me at of the blue it was only later that he disclosed his diagnosis. I am neurodivergent so used to looking for ways to communicate and have spent so long trying to understand BPD and how I can be supportive but was at a loss on what else to do as I don’t want to make anything harder for him

[SuperDaddy]

Hi Princess Ruth, and welcome to the BPD family.

The fact that he has stepped back and come forward to explain about his diagnosis is a very good sign of self-awareness, which most don't have. However, as you saw, it does stop the outburst from happening, and the tendency is that they become more frequent. And if you lived together or started a family, it would certainly get more severe.

There are success stories, but the norm is that the relationship won't work. In the special cases of success documented here, I noticed that something drastic made the pwBPD feel compelled to seek treatment.

His current attitude is related to feeling unworthy and believing that you will eventually point fingers at him and reject him. My wife has done that some times in the past, and once it took a lot of effort to revert her mindset. Though the pleasure moments together speak for themselves.

[Pook075]

Thank you for your advice it was so sudden to see him go from this loving person to saying awful things and breaking up with me at of the blue it was only later that he disclosed his diagnosis. I am neurodivergent so used to looking for ways to communicate and have spent so long trying to understand BPD and how I can be supportive but was at a loss on what else to do as I don’t want to make anything harder for him

It's actually pretty common with BPDs because they think, "If they knew who I really was and how messed up my thoughts are sometimes, they'd surely leave."  So things are hidden as they try to work through problems emotionally...not logically...and that's like trying to fix your car with a rubber spatula.  The two things just don't go together and eventually frustration boils over.

Just know that he does not hate you and this is not your fault.  He is sick and struggling, spiraling.  Don't take the hurtful words he said to chase you off as his actual identity.  In stressful times, we all say things that we wish we could take back.  That's 100x true for BPDs when they're in crisis. 

And to make matters worse, they may not even remember what they said or how it could be taken as hurtful.

Why?  Let's go back to a physical example.  I slam my hand in a car door and at the same time, you're asking me if I like chocolate chips on my pancakes (well duh, who doesn't?!?).  In that specific moment though, it would seem like the dumbest question in the world because I'm ONLY focusing on how badly my fingers hurt.  And if you were there to see what happened, you would never ask that question to begin with because you understand how painful it must be.

For BPDs though, they could be in the same level of emotional pain (which we can't see) and when you engage them, they're thinking, "How can this person who says they love me not see how my world is collapsing right now?!?"  So they say something to you about what we think is an ordinary thing, we respond in an ordinary way, and they explode. 

The thing they're saying is rarely the actual problem though- that's what they're complaining about to mask the actual problem (mental health and disordered thinking).  I hope that helps.

[ForeverDad]

BPD, like so many other things in life, exists on a spectrum.  It may be comparatively mild for some people whereas it can be quite extreme in many others.  BPD is a disorder or dysfunction that impacts most the close relationships.  Others who may be on the periphery with little or occasional contact may notice something "off" but not greatly impacted.

We have no way to know to what extent your former BF is impacted in his relationships.  So we are limited in what to predict.  That he has BPD is a serious caution as you ponder a relationship, but whether it can be a successful one is still a big question.  That he is aware to step back when triggered is good, he is applying the therapy he has received.  A pattern often observed is high levels of negativity: Denial, Projection, Blaming, Blame Shifting, to name some of the hallmark traits.

As already mentioned, the deeper the relationship develops, the more easily the discord and conflict erupts.  There's a saying, over time everyone relax and lets down their hair.  However, with BPD it typically worsens over time.  Many here reported it got worse after marriage, others after they had children, others after  the spouse retired.

Can you continue communicating from a distance?  That can be problematic.  People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are easily triggered (that emotional vs illogical perception) from one extreme to the other, all good to all bad, rinse and repeat.

Many here concluded it was better - or necessary - just to Let Go and Move On.  It's for you to decide which path to take depending on all the factors you've learned.