I’m not looking to blame him — I just genuinely want to understand:
• Is this kind of push–pull dynamic common during splits?
• Does unblocking and watching stories usually mean anything?
• Is space the best thing to give right now?
• If you were in his position, what would feel safe or supportive from an ex-partner?
Hello and welcome to the family- those are all excellent questions.
Years ago, it helped me to think of BPD like a physical handicap. Let's say I broke my leg, and you and I have plans to go skiing this week with some friends. You'd say, "Don't cancel, we'll still have a great time!" But I'd be thinking how I'm just going to ruin things for everyone on the trip as they try to change plans to make me feel welcome. I'm thinking about how much the trip costs, how everyone had to take time off work, get all their gear on the plane, etc. I'd just be a burden and I'd rather stay home.
That's what your boyfriend is doing now, making excuses because he's doubting himself. Not because he doesn't care, but because he feels like he'll never be enough and it's so unfair to you.
And in a way, he's right. These relationships are a real challenge at times.
For your last two questions- those are double-edged swords. Should you give him space? Yes, but space is also working against you since he'll likely double down in his disordered thinking. So you should reach out sparingly, even if it's to say that you're there for him when he's ready to talk. You absolutely can't push though or he'll run for the hills.
One more thing to keep in mind. BPD leads to disordered thinking, or splitting, which is a period of time where the person is thinking emotionally and relying almost entirely on feelings. Things can do downhill fast and in those moments, it's not the time to argue or find reason. Maybe they say something hurtful in the moment, and it's true for that moment. But it may not be true a few minutes later because it was an explosion of unstable emotions.
