BPDFamily.com

Hi Everyone,

I am drafting a divorce with my lawyer.

Did anyone ever try a peaceful no-blame approach?

I don't want to blow everything up with a protective order / emergency situation.

I will just say it did not work out with us. And ask her kindly to move back to her existing old place (which she btw gets super angry about when I suggest it now). We currently live in my house that is only in my name.

We were together on-and-off for 7 years but only married and living together for less than 6 months now.

She does claim to me that I am verbally abusive and gets super angry all the time (like today yelled so much and threw my clothes out on the street). But in the 6 months she had to detox twice from subtances and smashed multiple things, attacked me in front of the kids etc. I have a ton of documentations, recordings, etc. She knows that. I kind of don't want to put this public to avoid her firing at me. I had to leave with my kids multiple times (and she claims to not realize that it was because of her being angry).

What are the chances that a peaceful divorce will work?

Thanks!

If there's one thing that I've learned throughout my ordeal is that there's only so much you can control.  I used to want to save everyone with my divorce, thinking that we'd find her a place to live, and we'd share custody of the kids, that all would be rosy.  Turns out I awaken a monster.  So I went into papa bear mode to protect the kids.  I never wanted that, but I had to do it.  I wanted to be fair from the start but she felt entitled. Things turned nasty when she realized that she couldn't control me nor would get everything she wanted.   Even if someone tells you that you may have a peaceful divorce, take it with a grain of salt.  It might happen. Or it might not. But don't let your guards down because of that.  I did, and it could have turned out way worse for me.   

You cannot control the wind, but you can adjust the sail. 

What is the situation with the children? Are they yours, hers, shared? Children can change how you handle the divorce.

2 are mine, 1 is hers

I was kicked out today.. (cops threatened, super yelling, clothes/laptop thrown on the sidewalk...), called her parents+doctor and staying away from home (my home btw).

I am still telling my lawyer that I want to avoid any further explosion and keep it low but she will need to move out. I am not safe at the house and I won't let my kids around her either anymore. So hotel it is for me. My kids are at their mothers place.

The usual thousands of messages mix of hate and love came after..

And I did not even mention the divorce :) so we will see how this will go. but I will still try to keep it as calm and reasonable as possible. I am also sure that she will be more in trouble than me if not.

Can you share a little with us about how, based on past patterns of behavior, you anticipate she will respond? She'll be enraged (hello, BPD). Are there related concerns? Anything from her prior relationship to go on?

In an earlier post you mention she has been violent with you.

Do you have specific concerns about how she'll behave that you want to address?

One thing to prioritize above peaceful is safety.

Do you have a specific plan for how to address your safety?

Yes - I am just staying away and dont let my kids near her. But it's only day 1 and the divorce is not even filed yet. My lawyer wants to get a vacate order since she still has her old apartment. So fingers crossed she will just have to go back there.

In regards to behavior, I am not physically afraid of her but I am afraid of her calling the cops on me and getting arrested again. Whats just happening is so 6 years ago I thought we would be over these kind of things. Of course I would not have married her like that. For a few years it went reasonably well.

When my marriage imploded, I had called the police.  However, one of the officers asked me to hand my preschooler over to his mother and "step away".  I didn't realize what that meant at the time because he shrieked and clung closer.  After a long moment the officer said, "Work it out" and they left.

A few months of separation later, my new divorce lawyer told me he was a former police officer and the policy is to separate the couple when on a domestic dispute call, guess who always gets carted off?

So don't assume whether you'll get a listening ear or that the facts matter.

Fortunately I had been recording and I was later able to prove I wasn't the one misbehaving that day.

Oof. She has already made false allegations of domestic violence, that's a hard hill to climb. 

You may not get a peaceful divorce, although you have some important leverage that can make a big difference in containing her worst instincts. That counts as peace for many of us here.

It might be possible she'll cool her jets and return to some kind of baseline, but you know her levels of aggression better. In the past, after a fight would she return to her home?

If you think her tendency will be to stay put and hope this last fight will pass and blow over, how do you anticipate she'll respond if you write a note asking her to give you space (and move back to her place)?

From my experience, she will refuse to leave the house which is much nicer than her apartment. She feels that it is unfair that she has to leave even if it is my house on paper and I am the only one paying or even earning money.

Bottom line is that I can not go home right now and my children also not. And she and I just cant live together and cant be married. It's not healthy at all.

My goal is to avoid this fight with court and authorities we used to do in the past when everything blew up.

I just summarized violence and drug abuse of  the less than 6 months of marriage to 2 pages and I am feeling sick at looking at it and how I live like this. I sent it to the lawyer but as I said, I don't really want to use it. I hope it will be possible to find a solution together.

Hopium is not a fix.  Does she have a lawyer?  Your lawyer may share the facts so her lawyer can explain to her where she stands.  That you own the residence and she has a separate apartment makes the outcome obvious but she will likely only see her own perceptions.  Your lawyer may need to file for your 'possession' of your own home.

If you live in a community property state, that may blur the ownership of your home a bit.  However, yours is a very short marriage and there are no children of the relationship, much simpler to undo the marriage.  That is a legal matter beyond peer support.

That's true - but also hope dies last :) So let's see.. sometimes my paranoia kicks in and I am afraid of her reaction but I have to remind myself that the outcome will be good even if the road is hard. I will try peaceful but I know she will not be pleased. Also, we luckily agreed to a prenup that protects the house and everything.

She does not have a lawyer because she does not know about it yet... :O

 :(

Is your desire for peace a euphemism for appeasement? A lot of us here are/were conflict-avoidant and sought unsuccessfully to appease a high-conflict spouse.

Sometimes a lawyer can dangle leverage that works to curb bad behaviors. However it's still good to have the assertive back-up plan in your back pocket so that you can move forward if she remains entitled.

Do you live in a one-party consent state? If so, you can record without her permission. That might be something to consider if you fear she'll make false allegations again. Some members will also keep receipts to show timestamps, or will keep detailed logs of when they left the house, where they went.

How does the vacate order work where you live?

If she has to be served, what are the chances she will leave without some kind of domestic assistance?

Is she communicating with you right now?

she is texting a lot but i am not responding. she tried to find me in the hotel but then gave up.

there are chances that she will leave my place, I think. I hope.

we are trying to convince her to leave when she gets served with the divorce. if not, this might take a few months my lawyer says. I could go for the emergency order and sometimes I think I should, but again, I kind of don't want to blow anything up. my lawyer thinks I am stupid for not going full force. Am I? Will this be dangerous for me? I am staying away for sure.

Whenever it becomes evident she has moved out, change the locks and never let her get keys again.  There's a risk if the kids get together that one of them may let her in but hey there's always a kink, a weak link, in every approach.

If she says she needs to return for something left behind, don't let her inside, bring it outside or offer to take it to a neutral exchange location.

You and your two children can not return to the home you own and that the children know as their home, because of your wife's violence and drug use.

You are willing to let this situation continue for several month's because...why?

What about your wife's situation and needs takes priority over having your children in your/their home?

Your lawyer may be harsh, but I can see his point.

I agree with changing locks etc. once she moved out. And, yes, I am not going to the house with and without kids until she has moved out.

Well, I hope based on the pressure she has in regards to DCF in her life, her doctor knowing most of the facts, her knowing that I have a ton of evidence of drug abuse etc., and even a tiny logical thinking that everything is in my name with prenup, that we can convince to move out without blowing the emergency whistle which would cause so much destruction for everyone involved.

I am absolutely not ok with waiting months and will then find other steps. My lawyer says we can always then go for some expedited vacate hearing.

One more thing, she started doing the right thing in terms of drugs by telling her doctor and sticking to her prescription since a few weeks. So overall she was moving in the right direction. So she has to continue that.

Often we gain the most peace by being the most assertive. People with BPD don't have natural boundaries and require others to provide them. It may not seem like it when we're on the receiving end of the abuse, but having no boundaries creates a terrifying kind of chaos.

The question is how to assert a boundary with the minimal amount of force, without giving up the option to impose more weight if needed.

I can see why you don't want to legally escalate this. A similar thing happened in my case (although we had a court order already in place). My ex had a psychotic break and it was well within reason for me to get a protective order (escalation). Instead, our lawyers put in place a modification to the existing order (less escalation).

For my lawyer, she looked at it like, "n/BPDx gets one shot here. He has to agree to a, b, c, otherwise we level this up."

Has your L given you a sense of how something like that might work for your situation?

Exactly.. we give one shot for moving out otherwise go for an emergency order.

But I have to say, after hundreds of messages of her flip flopping between "I love you so much" and "I want to ruin your life" that I ignore (by lawyer request), and then hanging out with my kids in the hotel and all of us missing the house, I get more and more angry. But I still somehow feel that this is the right way this time.

Now I have to wait up to one week to get her served with the divorce papers. Then, we can negotiate.

This.  Plan for the worst, hope for the best.  And by all means, do not be alone with her until all legal matters are resolved.  And by planning for the worst, assume she will attempt to entrap you somehow so you end up spending time in jail.  There are a few stories in here describing just that.  It may not happen, but plan and prepare.  You are in the up position at the moment with your evidence.  Don't give that away.  Drive hard for a solution as fast as you can.  Good luck.  CoMo

Here an update:

She evaded service for a few days before she accepted. We presented her a "nice" cover letter asking her to move out with the papers.

But she refuses to move out and says I can just come home and that it is safe. I said I will file a motion to vacate this week if she does not move out. In the mean time, she had a chance to re-new her voucher for her existent and fully furnished apartment but she seemed to on purpose have missed the deadline.

I do everything according to my lawyer to be very clear and to not send mixed signals at all. When it was clear that she had to re-new her voucher Friday, my lawyer suggested to call her parents who were reasonable in the past and know about many issues. Unfortunately, her mother answered and accused me of the weirdest things like locking doors in the house so she can't fix the internet for her son etc. WTF? Her mother also said that I ruined my wifes life in the last 7 years and she said "I would kill you if I could".

So slowly I am losing hope that this will go peacefully. My next step is to file the motion to vacate but this will involve details such as her drug abuse and violence which then will let everything explode.

She now texts me "You are like a toddler playing with a loaded gun without safety." - I see that as a clear threat depending on what you assume is the gun. Her? Me doing legal stuff?.. It's crazy..

A friend of mine told me some years ago with his divorce.   A lot of time and money spent trying to work things out peacefully

And lawyers have a professional obligation to try to mediate and keep things out of the court system

And that is appropriate for the majority of divorces. After some time passes, the parties “usually “get the emotions in check

But for someone with a disorder, that is not possible. Even if they wanted to they do not have the capacity to manage their emotions

So the usual approach, the approach that the legal professionals will advise, simply becomes enabling

Don’t get me wrong anything you can do to make it go peaceful is worth doing. But do not fool yourself for one minute that she will suddenly become ‘reasonable’. 

Yep it sucks and not what you ‘want’.  But again, enabling poor behavior will only cost you money and grief

The only way around, is through. 

Hugs.

This is a projection.

She is the toddler.

Emotionally, she is not able to regulate her feelings and all that goes with that.

It can't hurt to make sure you are never alone with her, not without a neutral third party present. Record if you can. Keep a log of when you come and go.

When people are in a one-down position they can become desperate people who do desperate things.

MIL seems to have become a negative advocate, a sign your stbx has been working off stage.

What happens once the order to vacate has been filed?

Maybe it is a projection or she means that if I expose her drug abuse and other stuff she will get massive problems with DCF and her custody fight about her son?

I agree with "working off stage" - I don't even know how she keeps track of all the stories she tells to other people.

However, she now started sending nudes and tells me that she is more horny than ever. And then see if I really want a divorce. Of course, I am not going there.

Once the order is filed, there will be another order for short notice and then the judge will decide if she has to move out so I can finally go back home. But the drug abuse and stuff will be on record then.

Maybe it's both ...


It will be interesting to see if it goes anywhere. Honestly, I was shocked how little court seemed to care about the substance abuse. Or at least, how many bites of the apple my ex was given.

It seems to be based on therapeutic jurisprudence where litigants are treated with respect and dignity.

In family law court this can mean giving disordered people many chances to better themselves versus further punishing them.

Welcome to the club. It sucks but it is what it is.  Your ex has likely launched one hell of a smear campaign which is why her mom made these threats.. or it's because she was hoping you'd keep her daughter calm for years to come.

Things will get exciting to say the least but remember what I said in the 2nd post: You cannot control the wind. You can only adjust the sail. 

Remember to cover your ass: record and document.    Yeeter's comment on "A lot of time and money spent trying to work things out peacefully" is also bang on and I wish I had seen something like that years ago. I wasted tons of money trying to work things out peacefully and I'm not further ahead. I've simply wasted tons of money and wasted time.  I still have lots to spend. It sucks but hey, it is what it is: I can only adjust the sail.   

My divorce is stalled because she won’t respond to lawyer.
A friend told me she won’t settle ever because then we are divorced and she can no longer f-/-k with me.
Today I realized that finally.
It is what it is. Today I have no fog about it all. I hope this clarity lasts.

Yeah it will last.  And yes, they stall because they fear losing control over us. Mine is the same. We're in for the long run and the system enables them. 

Very common I would say.  There is a saying 'it takes two to argue'.  Not true in divorce court, it only takes ONE.  There is nothing you can do to get an unreasonable person to behave in a reasonable manner.  The legal system allows/enables it.

The only way around, is through...

Unfortunately I dont actually know what it takes to get through, since I am still just getting started (15months and counting, the most of which was spent trying to be reasonable/peaceful...)

Best advice I have:  Any time you are feeling 'hope' that it can be less conflicted.  Any time you are feeling the need to behave in a reasonable fashion hoping it will be reciprocated.  Come here and post these thoughts and let the others here share their stories and attempts at these very same experiences. 

My divorce took nearly two years.  If you include our months of separation before the divorce, it was over two years.  Why?  She had a very favorable temporary order.

Actually we had two temp orders.  During the separation she was facing a Threat of DV case yet over in family court she was gifted a temp custody and temp majority time order with the typical mother-preference policy common here.  In time the separation orders were dismissed.  Predictably that's when I stopped getting assess to my preschooler.  That's when I filed for divorce.  There was some 3 months of no contact before the divorce temp order hearing was held, yes, with the same magistrate as before.


However, she caved on Trial morning nearly two years later, after months of forcing us to go through every possible step of the divorce process, including a few continuances where scheduled events were delayed.

Why?  In part at least, it helped her remain with a favorable temp order for as long as possible.

That's also a reason why I encourage our members to get the temp order as favorable as possible.  Our cases tend to go on and on for much longer than typical divorce cases.  In our cases "temporary" is a misnomer.

Bad update here: After we gave her the 3rd deadline to move out, she filed a RO against me with hearing on Monday. Wish me luck!

You avoided that this time because you listened to peer support and kept your distance clear of her.  That is good.

She may be thinking that she can refer to the past and try to link that incident to today.  On the one hand, courts typically view incidents older than 6 months as "stale" and outdated unless there's an attempt to make it appear part of a larger pattern.  Six years ago... she probably can't stretch it that far.

Be prepared for new allegations, more than what she's included in her RO petition.  She probably can't substantiate what she has alleged or will allege.  She will try to claim abuser/victim scenario, a highly emotional approach.

Despite there being no proof ("unfounded") — and most of us have found it hard to get that declaration — it likely will take time for the court to be assured there is no basis in fact ("unsubstantiated").  Be prepared for the court to grant a temp order, perhaps limited in scope, while it does one or more of the following:  assigns professionals to investigate the matter... grant her additional time to remain in possession pending resolution of the case... who knows what else.

Is your lawyer capable of defending you in court?  Many lawyers are quite capable of filing forms and holding clients' hands but are less experienced in court.  You need the sort of attorney who can be not only capable but also proactive in court, as Eddy's Splitting handbook advises.  I'm assuming your lawyer can handle the upcoming hearing, which purpose is to allow you to respond (vigorously in a legal way) to her RO petition.

While there, I'm assuming your lawyer will make sure she is served the divorce papers or move-out papers if not yet served.

As a last reminder, beware of "plea deals".  Of course this probably is not a scenario where you will face someone demanding you settle with a "plea deal".  The point is you have to take extra caution, if a deal is made, that you are not painted bad with any of the terms of any settlement.  (And make sure that you are never required nor expected to have any personal contact with her..)  As I wrote above, odds are the court may set up a holding action with current status outlined in a TRO (temp RO) and scheduling a date to return in a few weeks.  She's desperate to delay removal so this extreme action is her overreaction.

Thank you, I also think she wants to secure housing through this.

Ugh. I'm so sorry it's escalating to this.

Is she claiming that the repeated requests to move out are grounds for the RO?

RO finally was terminated this week after 4 weeks due to COVID postponements. The hearing was extremely intense and went over 2 days.

She claimed heavy physical abuse and fear of her life. I am so glad the judge saw through that and I was so lucky to document so much during the marriage. The judge also realized that the RO was filed for her to stay in the house.

Now, we are filing for a motion to move out in the family court and I hope that this goes through rather quickly and that it does not make her even more mad!

I am now over 2 months living in hotels+airbnb.

DCF was at the RO hearing (as support for her) but now says they were "impartial" since the judge expressed concerns of her mental health+drug abuse and that she is the aggressor.

During the hearing my wife also said that the detectives are investigating her claims - I assume she filed a criminal complaint as well but have not heard anything.

Wow!  2 days of hearing?  That seems crazy.  How long would a trial be?  Are you stuck paying massive lawyers fees or it's cheaper where you are?  Here it gets crazy expensive fast when you are dealing with a BPD/NPF

As for "not making her mad", you must have realized by now what was said earlier: you cannot control her..  Protect yourself first.

What a massive sigh of relief.

I would anticipate she'll double down now that it's harder to ignore she's losing  :(

How are you holding up? How are your kids doing?

Kids and I are doing ok. I really try to take care of myself with a lot of sports etc. But a peaceful divorce is not possible here - that's for sure now.

She now texted my mother that she will never give up and will press charges for sexual assault, assault and battery, and (not kidding) attempted murder! My lawyer says don't worry... but that's easier said than done.

And yes, I have to pay mad lawyer fees but it was worth it so far. Friday is the family court hearing.

I do sometimes think that it wouldve been easier to stay with her hahaha  :caution:

She's likely heading towards the "extinction burst" so hang on..  Things should calm down a bit.  They will still not make sense, but it should be a bit calmer.   Until the next crisis..

Make sure that your mom keeps these texts.  These could possibly be considered as threats so you may be able to use them in court down the road. 

Thank you for sharing. I am experiencing the same issue. I want desperately for the sake of my children, in laws and friends to have a peaceful, mutually beneficial resolution.   I have tried to broach the subject numerous times (always at the response to her threats of divorce) but those "discussions" go nowhere.  Typically she explodes and accuses me of infidelity or even being gay! 


It seems to be a never ending cycle. I am literally at my wits end.  I was just struggling with this again this morning and was about to post about my conundrum until coming upon this post. 

Frankly, I don't know where to start...my attorney advised me not to leave the house under any circumstances.  My children are older (16 and 19).  But I am fearful she will keep pulling me back in as long as I'm am present in the house. 

Yesterday my motion to vacate her from the house (title in my name) was granted. After 3 months staying away, I will be able to go back to the house next week. This is great news but I am not even that happy about it. Court stuff is so draining and I still feel bad for her! Unreal! And, I might still have to fight her criminal complaint.

That's good news... but don't count your chickens before they hatch.  It's astounding the ways some people can subvert or delay orders.  Update us once next week comes around.

She did delay the order :) But not for too long: my twins and I are back at the house and she and her son had to move out. This is very good.

But I was ordered to pay 10k to her for an attorney... money I don't even have because she was not honest on her financial statement (which hopefully we can prove soon).
And there is the criminal investigation for abuse against me. I am spending way too much thought on it preparing evidence from the last years and it's really stressful.

And, the house smells like her which makes me miss the good times..  :caution: until I watch the videos of her raging at me to level things out.

Update: She went to court again for another Restraining Order hearing. So I am essentially waiting to get arrested based on her criminal complaint and have to go in again for the RO. Great.

Oh and in family court she said she wants a "Fault Divorce" since I am at fault it didn't work out. I filed for a "No-Fault Divorce".

Huh? Isn't there some legal aid for those without funds?

Stay strong. It's far from finished. She'll need a break eventually.  Keep gathering evidence: record and document.  Eventually the legal system will stop believing her.  Don't give her a chance: if the RO says that she is not allowed to do this or that, file a report for everything that makes sense so that she is charged with a breach of conditions. That will help down the road.    FWIW, my ex breached her release conditions significantly on two days, spaced months apart.  The judge was pissed.  These charges are what is helping me get ahead with my case.   

She would not hesitate to throw you under the bus. 

She would have to convince the court that her evidence is sufficient to require an arrest.  If you have not done anything criminal then an arrest is unlikely.  Not impossible, of course.  On a recent thread PearlsBefore remarked that people with BPD (pwBPD) are known to make emphatic false claims (perceptions as "facts") appear very believable and credible.


However, if there is an arrest, you need solid legal representation.  You have a right to remain silent, especially while pondering answers vetted by your attorney.  And don't be fooled by plea deals that reduce the threatened punishment.  Plea deals are still an admission of Guilt of some sort.

“A friend of mine told me some years ago with his divorce.   A lot of time and money spent trying to work things out peacefully

And lawyers have a professional obligation to try to mediate and keep things out of the court system

And that is appropriate for the majority of divorces. After some time passes, the parties “usually “get the emotions in check

But for someone with a disorder, that is not possible. Even if they wanted to “
  That’s my situation in a nutshell.
I am certainly able to get through the initial barrage of insults and accusations when I reach out to my separated wife but she just hangs up and nothing is accomplished.
It’s amazing how I can spend a miserable day ruminating on the end of my marriage and missing her but after a 12 second phone call consisting of a barrage of nonesensw I’m  just left shaking my head and wondering what the hell am I doing letting her live rent free in my head.

Mrlala,

My experience is that once papers are filed, things escalated almost immediately to levels I had not seen previously. 

Yes the emphatic emotion described earlier in thread was in full play...  I would quip sometimes to my lawyer or others that when she speaks with such emotion that I almost believe it.  My lawyer almost also believed her during the deposition.  I had to present my lawyer voice recordings of what really happened so lawyer would believe me.  I had to keep voice recordings so I knew I was not going crazy as xbpdwife was so believable. 

Sluggo

Lucky me.. second RO was just denied. My lawyer thinks that this will never stop until she finds someone new to harass. She also had a letter from the police saying that there is an ongoing investigation and that they assume she was a victim of domestic violence.

Her claim this RO was that I was at a soccer game and stared her down. But I was there because my kids were playing - I didn't even see her one time. Second time, she was assembling a bunch of parents who all stared me down lol She says stuff like "He parks so prominently that I need to see his car"...

Worst part is that I still think that she could change if she would get trauma help and addiction help and then the marriage could work out. Crazy me.

That feeling will dissipate over time.  It's still a bit of "FOG" (fear, obligation, guilt).

She is inexperienced in making believable allegations.  In the months before my separation and divorce, my then-spouse threatened she'd disappear with my preschooler and I'd never see him again.  Once we separated and it rose to a legal level with police and courts, she started filing allegations.  The first was that I abused our preschooler months before - how? - when I took him to the park and when stopped he tipped his bike, not even a scratch.

Of course it was dismissed.  However, she kept inventing more allegations, even after our final decree.  The problem was that over time she learned how to make less frivolous claims.

That's my concern here, you're at real risk of facing more allegations, and worse, "less ridiculous" allegations.  So be aware, beware.

I had the same crazy idea during the divorce. Maybe he would finally get help and call it off (he initiated it, I went along with it). Even his attorney was begging and pleading with him to get professional help and was telling my attorney that he feared for his client's well-being. I thought if his attorney was even more convincing than anyone else...?

Nope. It got far worse as time went on even into closeout. By the time I closed my file with my attorney, I truly felt sorry for him. All that money and effort trying to destroy someone who had truly tried to understand him, and what he got was an ex and adult children who want nothing to do with him. Decades of his life thrown away. Of course I wasn't a perfect spouse, but I hung in there for a long time trying to make the impossible work. I was the one who went to therapy to try to understand, the one who kept coming back after more discards than I can count.

I had some really difficult years there, but life on the other side is so very much better. None of the people close to me engage in drama and manipulation, period. I have a few folks that I keep at arm's length for various reasons, but I choose who is close and who is not, PERIOD.

I received an anonymous message yesterday (similar to a few months ago during her temporary RO) with a street corner and a time. This time, I drove by and saw her but did not stop. She clearly saw me, texted me more, and then came by my house.

1 week ago she was in court trying to get a RO because she is afraid for her life (it was denied) and now she does that. Today is our proposal anniversary so this might be a reason. She appeared very confident and I am surprised she came by since based on my motion-to-vacate in family court this is a criminal offense. And she still has this ongoing criminal investigation against me..

BUT It was super hard for me to not engage or interact and I just left. Have tons of videos of her coming by.

She came by today again, I did not even realize it until after. She texted a lot of things, it seems like closure almost. Wow. I still feel awful and at her mercy. She comes by when she wants, she claims to be afraid when she wants...

I separated for about 4-5 months before filing for divorce.  I didn't know where she was for quite a while, I learned she and my preschooler were living in local women's shelter called "House of Peace" with only a P.O. Box address.  I was careful not to seek her out. When I did learn of her new residence, I made sure not to approach.  I was at least smart enough not to risk her claiming I was stalking or harassing her.  Well, she did claim it anyway but that was predictable.  When our initial temp order was dismissed and she didn't let me see or talk to him (turned out to be 3 months) I did call the police once to ask whether they would accompany me so I could visit my by-then 4yo son.  The officer who answered my call declined but when I asked what would happen if I went to her door and she called police I was told (my interpretation of his answer) they'd come rushing to protect her.  I stayed away.  But it was hard to resist the urge.

So it is good you were suspicious of the call and very good you didn't stop, even if only to talk.  You cannot predict when it might be a set up to frame you as a stalker or harasser or worse.  After all she's already tried to make allegations in court against you.  Probably not the last time.  Distance is a very good thing.

She texts now that she does not want the divorce and tries to convince me to talk to her without lawyers. After 2x ROs and criminal complaints, I will not write back. But it's hard.

Save those texts, make copies and store them in secure places where she can't access and where you're unlikely to delete them in some future pressure from her to delete them.  That's documentation if nothing else that she's not realistic about her complaints.

Absolutely. But the hardest part is how these messages mess with my head and I still have hope that we can figure out a way to make this all work. F me.

I F*CKED UP!

we had sex twice in the last two days. She said the right things: "She is clean since January - she is sorry" (we did a drug test to verify) and her perspective of things somehow makes sense to me? WTF! I have false? hope!

I need to talk to my therapist and my lawyer today. I might have just PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm)ed everything up royally.

I am afraid of a) losing her and b) her retaliation if I leave. It does not make sense! FML! I was so close to pull through with the divorce and did so well and now this!

Okay, it's done...don't beat yourself up about it.at

Time to assess the situation. It's good you plan to talk to your T and your lawyer. Your T will help you get your thinking and feeling straight. Your lawyer may very well tell you that you have jeopardized some legal strategy, but he/she can help you re-set.

Is there a risk of pregnancy?  If so, that could impact your sense of obligation to a baby or more children.

I recall in my divorce we had to declare there was no pregnancy.

I don't think pregnancy could have happened. Talked to the lawyer. Divorce is on track, just extending the move out order will be harder after giving in for sex damnit but she definitely can not move back in.

However, our interaction gave me hope in regards to the marriage. I still love her and miss her so much and I am proud of how she takes steps for her recovery. I am thinking of different strategies to handle this without making rushed decisions here.

Update: we met multiple times now and somehow we agree that we can not live together right now but there is still love. But the not trusting is a huge problem on both ends.

Today was a court date and the motion to vacate (so she can't live in my house) was extended. My lawyer was already worried that this would not go that way based on the re-connection between us. Now, I essentially have roughly 2 months to decide and observe whether the marriage is possible if wife stays of drugs. Drugs made the extreme emotions and the attachment trauma completely unmanageable.

My hope is based on wife's recovery for over 200 days now and individual trauma work for both of us and couples' therapy. Maybe it is impossible but maybe not? Who knows - I am glad I got more time to decide. Wife does see me as adversarial at times even though we say we want the same.