Just want someone to talk to right now

[JNChell]

I haven’t seen S5 in a while and I’m feeling a bit stir crazy over that. I really miss my boy. I’m tired of being leveraged by him. I keep making mistakes because I can’t shut my mouth. Childress says to shut up. Klein says don’t shut up. I’m totally in the rabbit hole. She has me. I’ve made every mistake that can be made. I just want to see my Son. I’m scared of court. I sound pretty avoidant here. I’m seeing every negative. I do want to see our Son. We have a great relationship. Since he’s been gone I’ve been fighting to not isolate myself. I’ve reached out to my friends to let them know that I’m having these feelings and they are on board. I miss my boy. Why can’t his mom understand that a Son and father need contact just as much as she does with him?

[kells76]

Why can’t his mom understand that a Son and father need contact just as much as she does with him?

It's all about her feelings. If she doesn't want to see you, then "of course" S5 feels the same way. She can't let him be himself, a separate being. He might "choose" you -- which "means" she's been rejected by him.

It is so true that the kids are powerful leverage, for good and ill. You would do anything for S5, the ultimate sacrifice. She senses that and sadly uses it against you.

I’ve made every mistake that can be made

Yes, so have I, so has DH. I thought if I used numbers, facts, logic, she would have to see how irrational she was being. DH used to send long, emotionally wrenching emails to her, to beg her not to take the kids out of school (for example).

...

How are you doing this morning? What else are you thinking and feeling about this today? Let's keep talking.

[ForeverDad]

I have to echo agreement 100% with kells76.  Ex lives in her own perceived worldview focused only on herself and her perceptions.  She won't or can't (does it matter which it is?) open her eyes and mind to your perspective.  That's why it is called mental illness.  But in most cases the authorities don't see this as bad enough to have such disordered people incarcerated or institutionalized.

Catastrophizing...  Been there, done that.  Be thankful that most kids bounce back.  Sure, none of us wanted it that way but we had to deal with the reality.

My story was that I had two temp orders, one for the separation and her emergency filing and another for the divorce.  After the first was dismissed I didn't see my son for over 3 months.  She wouldn't even allow my calls to go through.  (And I was paying for our phones.)

So you said some things you regret or could have phrased better?  Learn from that, stop feeding your foot-in-mouth actions.  Court often ignores conflict that occurs prior to court, unless it meets the high bar of abusive behavior.  Frankly, court doesn't care about the past as much as it does how you learn from it and become/behave better.  (My lawyer said court doesn't get strict until after the case is final, it lets a lot go by unaddressed before and during the court involvement.  So while that process can be easy on your ex, it also means it can be easy on you.)  Advice: Don't convict yourself when the only other person doing that is your disordered ex!

Domestic or family court is your friend at this point...  The longer you hesitate to draw upon the resources of family court, the longer you will be missing the court's protection of your parental rights.

My story, I didn't know it would be 3 months away from my son.  There were days I wanted to go knock on her door anyway.  Fortunately I didn't, police refused to enable a peace visit but did admit they'd come rushing if she called them.  I didn't want to risk arrest or jail so somehow I kept my distance until the court issued another temp order.

Also, when we did get our divorce hearing the magistrate asked her directly if she had withheld our preschooler.  He wasn't fazed by her confirmation.  All he said was, "I'll fix that."  He issued an almost identical temp order as we had before.  No consequences for her, no make-up time for me.  For me it was my very life and parenting, for him it was another day at the office and another case before him.

We all have been positively encouraging you to consult with a few experienced pro-father attorneys, select one that (1) has proactive strategies and (2) you're comfortable with.  Likely it will take a few weeks or longer to get court actively involved.  But the longer you delay, the longer it will be to get it resolved.

You have a Right as father to regular and unrestricted parenting time, regular split of holidays and reasonable vacation time (for a total of two to three weeks per year).  However, right now that Right is unspecified, so since your ex doesn't cooperate then it is up to a court to set the proper boundaries and details.  Your ex likes being in control so she will never seek the court's involvement.  It's up to you.  Hmm?

[JNChell]

Thank you both. Kells, I’m good. Missing my boy. Listening to music. Talking to two potential job offers. I hope that at least one says yes. I have to go to court for this and I’m terrified of it. I guess that a lot of this learning is about facing our fears and not yelling at them in hopes for change. I feel a lot of anxiety simply over the thought of going to court, but I will do what I have to do to see S5 again. The thing is , she will tell me that he’s happy and that he doesn’t miss me. That there is nothing wrong with him since he hasn’t seen me. That hurts a lot to read. I also don’t believe that because S5 and I have a great relationship. I try to make things as relaxing as possible here for him. I sit on the couch and wait for him to come out of his room after I’ve woken him up. He’ll drag his comforter out, curl up in my lap. I rub his back while we talk about what we’re going to do that day. Then I start to tickle him until it turns into rough housing. Then we’re up and ready to get on with the day. He needs that in his life. So do I. It’s a growing synergy.

[JNChell]

FD. I’m guilty of catastrophizing. I’m afraid of the worst instead of seeing what can be possible. I need to draw a line. The worst is already happening. How much worse can it get? Not much. I have to be logical and stow my emotions. I sent out S5’s second care package today. I just gotta go to court.

[JNChell]

His pictures are on my walls and mantle. I walk past his room and turn on the light just to look.

[kells76]

she will tell me that he’s happy and that he doesn’t miss me. That there is nothing wrong with him since he hasn’t seen me.

She's lying, though she might not know it.

SHE is happy and SHE doesn't miss you. There is nothing wrong with HER since SHE hasn't seen you. That's what she's really saying.

(Whether that's true or not is another question. She may be trying to convince herself that "she's fine, you were the problem", which is another layer beyond her not seeing S5 has his own feelings that aren't hers)

S5 is his own person. You know the truth when he's with you.