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Author Topic: TOOLS: Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence  (Read 33772 times)
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« Reply #60 on: November 06, 2013, 07:15:03 AM »

It is a long list isn't it? Not every codependent has every characteristic.  smiley

Are there any characteristics here you identify with?

“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude

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No one can give or take your power. It's inside U.

« Reply #61 on: November 06, 2013, 12:54:45 PM »

Are there any characteristics here you identify with?

hi suzn, yes a staggering amount.  what's the general MO here... for me to post them, put 'em up for discussion?  i can do that, but the shorter list would probably be the ones i don't identify with.   shocked

the thing is, i'm confused b/c there's controversy as to whether CoDa is even a real thing ~ i read it's not even in the DSM.


"The question was not how do I get what I want? A better question was how do I recognize what I already have?"  ~Kendra Tillman
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« Reply #62 on: November 06, 2013, 03:59:59 PM »

I understand this list, but what if I caused the problems/mess for someone that I am co-dependently trying to clean up?

I demonstrated many of these co-dependent traits but only with regard to me leaving my uBPDexbf for a job out of town right after we met. We were together a month and then I had to move out of town for work. We continued for six more months long distance, but he blamed me the whole time, guilt tripped me and raged about it. I felt really guilty about his hard emotions with me leaving town and I worked like crazy to overcompensate and try to alleviate his pain of me being gone and I did it in the co-dependent mold. Other than that, I don't see myself as an all-around co-dependent person. I usually live and let live.
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« Reply #63 on: November 06, 2013, 09:54:22 PM »

Codependency is not in the DSM - it's not a disease - maybe more of a proclivity or a relationship pattern or a dysfunctional response to relationship failure. 

Codependents are people who find themselves in relationships with people who, at some point, neither seem interested nor motivated to participate in mutual or reciprocal basis.  The partners of codependents are often egotistical, self-centered and/or selfish.  Typically, codependents feel unfulfilled, disrespected and undervalued by their relationship partner.  As much as they resent and complain about the inequity in their relationships, codependents feel powerless to change them.

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« Reply #64 on: November 07, 2013, 10:25:06 AM »

I consider codependency to be a world view and the way one interacts with that perceived world.  It's only dysfunctional if the person is unhappy with his/her life and wants to change the way they see/interact with the world.  I think there is a crapload of people in this country that fall within the parameters of codependency, but a lot of them just keep rolling through life, making choices that support their world view and make their lives manageable.

In my opinion, the parent/child relationship is where one learns the codependent world view.  The very act of having a child is narcissistic, if you think about it.  We do it for lots of different reasons, but they are narcissistically-based.  I think in many, many situations children end up in codependent situations with one or both of their parents.  I know I did and I struggle resisting doing the same crap to my son.
Just my opinion guys!  

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« Reply #65 on: December 16, 2013, 05:10:34 PM »

Oh yes, I'm codependent alright and I don't think I would have ever known it if I hadn't fallen in love with my BPDbf
I spent all my time and energy of trying to fix him and neglected myself so much that I became depressed.
Now I have taken a step back and am able to see my part in our/my problems but fixing myself is waaaay harder than I imagined. I'm taking small steps, such as not reacting when he's in his push cycle; I'm just taking care of myself. I'm not chasing him like I used to when I felt him attempt to separate from me. I'm not offering suggestions when he hints that he wants me to sort his problems out for him, I simply validate that life can be hard sometimes.
I'm finally listening to my inner child and tending to her needs and she wants chocolate, a lot!

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