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Author Topic: PERSPECTIVES: Contact after the breakup [romantic partners]  (Read 28393 times)
Century2012
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« Reply #60 on: October 05, 2013, 06:36:07 AM »

Interesting comment about post break up contact. He reached out after a month wanting to remain friends and talk on the phone. I realized that was not good for me because it was keeping me emotionally engaged. At that time I did not recognize the BPD. But a couple months later he called me at 7:30 in the morning. And again at 7:35. And 8:30, when I finally picked up the phone. I know we are all in pain here, but there is some humor in acknowledgement that ... he had broken up with rebound girl the night before. He couldn't stand the pain for being alone for even a few minutes! And felt compelled to call me the minute he woke up.
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'It's not your fault. We all want to be loved and adored. But until someone loves themselves, they can't truly love someone else."


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« Reply #61 on: November 08, 2013, 04:35:04 AM »

As I reflect on the behavior however I think it was due to my absolute devastation as to what happened and me trying to make sense of it all... Plus I had not gone through something like this prior, no experience to draw from..
I was stuck in "magical" thinking, thinking if I explained things well enough the person I knew would return and talk to me. Then I was stuck in "helping" him, I knew I didn't want a intimate relationship with him anymore, didn't ask for one, but hoped for a friendship of some sort.

I recognise myself in these words by C12P21. I didn't know about BPD behaviours until recently and I only found this site after my relationship with my uBPDex was over. But in this time I've become aware of my own negative behaviours in the relationship - that I was trying to fix my exSO, that if I gave them enough love, a stable home life etc they would settle down. I realise now I justified a lot of negative behaviours away (she was busy, had had an unhappy upbringing, I had more time to run the house than she did, that if I did these things she would be happier, more communicative, on more even keel).

Magical thinking and a big dose of co-dependency from me!

I've also never had a relationship like this before. Someone whose moods can change so quickly or who could be fickle even about our relationship. At our lowest point, my uBPDex said the most horrid things to me when breaking up but not two hours later asked that we try again, that I was the best thing to happen to her. She flat out denied those horrible accusations saying I misconstrued them. To say I was bewildered is an understatement.

Since our breakup we've busted boundaries with inappropriate requests and sought validation too many times. I think the way forward for me is to be mindful of my boundaries and of our behaviours. I'm working on setting appropriate boundaries with her and dealing with my own issues with my T. I'm not as available to her as I once was and building a life that does not revolve around her but still includes her as a friend.



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Century2012
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« Reply #62 on: December 10, 2013, 04:00:54 PM »

Hey Tippy,
I wanted to respond to your comment about escalating.
In resolving some unfinished business, he has contacted me. And it is so filled with anger. Not just towards me. Towards everyone. He doesn't complete a sentence without dropping the F bomb.
What happened to the kind person I knew?
I actually fibbed to a friend and said he was dead. Well, he is dead in my heart. That is the only way I can deal.
I do not know this person.
I heard through the grapevine that his sister asked his new "victim" if her had hit her yet. Yet.
Hmmm ...
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« Reply #63 on: April 21, 2014, 09:25:28 AM »

I guess my questions best boils down to should I try or do I wait?

Basically we broke up after 14 months at the end of Feb. I moved out April 1 and he is acting as if I do not exist and will not respond to any (just 2) texts that I have sent since I moved out.

I did not know he had BPD at the time and what I said to him as we broke up is probably the worst thing I could have said. But, the way he was treating me was unbearable. I feel so bad for saying it…but I said this is why you will die alone. I can see now why he probably hates me so much.

How…or is there anything I can do to help him come around? Is it just time? Or possibly he never does?
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« Reply #64 on: April 20, 2015, 12:20:29 PM »

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