Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
May 30, 2016, 10:51:27 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Moderators: Kwamina, lbjnltx, livednlearned, once removed
Member support team: eeks, Notwendy, Suzn, Turkish
  Directory Guidelines Glossary   Boards   Help Please Donate Login Register  
Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: COMMUNICATION: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique  (Read 27695 times)
GreenMango
Ambassador
*******
Offline Offline

Posts: 4337



« Reply #10 on: March 03, 2013, 08:12:11 PM »

Whatever board you are on if you run up on a situation where you want to practice with the members it is always welcome.

In these situations practicing by starting a thread about it can help to massage out any details and get some really great feedback where you might see some problems.
Logged




Themis
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 135


« Reply #11 on: March 03, 2013, 08:23:52 PM »

Thanks GreenMango,

I think that would be helpful, like when you have an interview coming up and you role play with a friend. Great idea!

I think the only thing the people here would be a little different at is emotions.

A normal person would say "oh man, I feel awful/embarassed/regret that I annoyed you/made you cry/hurt your feelings.
I didn't mean it, I am sorry.

But my pwBPD in face of my expresson may say that in a good mood. But mostly :"That's not my responsibility!"
"That's not my problem"
"You made yourself sad, you choose your own reactions."
"Too bad!"

"Suck it up" is the take home message. Or "deal with it."

The validation is pretty one-sided. I just bite my tongue.


Logged

GreenMango
Ambassador
*******
Offline Offline

Posts: 4337



« Reply #12 on: March 03, 2013, 08:38:10 PM »

It's a learning process Themis.  It takes all of us practice. Empathy

The role playing really helps.
Logged


an0ught
Board advisor
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Person in your life: Romantic Partner
Posts: 6318



« Reply #13 on: March 17, 2013, 10:47:07 AM »

Hi Themis,

Is the one I've had issues with. I didn't even know about "dearman" but was doing something similar to this.

E & R triped me up the most.

When I got to E, his attitude was basically this---(in a nutshell) he is rude/nasty-- I react= that is my problem , he is not responsible for my feelings...  
Well he really got me there. He is right. He's not responsible for my feelings, but he is responsible for causing the situation/words that triggered my feelings.
I couldn't get my head around the idea that you can take that attitude. Call someone a nasty name, they cry, you tell them their tears are not your responsibility. They made themselves sad.

Well he's into psychology and all that...   but he twists it. I feel like a fool when he does this.

DEARMAN is not simple to do: Steering a conversation through 7(!) defined steps with a person that is prone to dysregulation while you are feeling possibly weak and insecure is virtually impossible.

The key to acquire the skill for DEARMAN lies NOT in following the letters. It lies in learning the underlying skills and practicing them well enough to then being able to steer a conversation through DEARMAN. When looking at DEARMAN it is clear that we are to express needs for change. The following skills are essential:



SET - Support, Empathy and Truth. A solid handle is needed here to express the needs and stand by the fact that we request it.

  Support - what we request is going to help them. Possibly not them but them in a relationship with us. Maybe not them but getting them in less trouble. There needs to be something in for them and if it is only to get our POV. In DEARMAN "s" may be little but having a supportive stance to a degree ourselves is important as it prevents us to become too aggressive and trigger push back. "s" but not "S".

  Empathy - validation is critical. Without feeling heard nobody is going to listen - true for everyone but even more for a pwBPD. Empathy is important - being true to emotions. To the pwBPD but also to ours. Not confusing the two, respecting the other and acknowledging our own.

  Truth - ability to express facts as facts from a NEUTRAL POV is very important to get through. Often what we are seeing as FACTS are our opinions and judgments. And if the facts are not facts but an attempt to get our way in a passive-aggressive manner one won't get far. In DEARMAN truth often is that WE want something. Not being true to the source of the demand would be behaving passive-aggressive and can result in push-back




A critical component when requesting anything is assertiveness.

We are pushing someone to change and we need to appear confident. While we are pushing we are possibly stepping over a boundary on the other side and we need to be careful to sufficiently respect to other sides other boundaries so that this push is not leading to escalation. It is a balancing act. Pushing some boundaries but not coming across as threatening the core. Assertiveness can be seen as one point on the spectrum of:


Passive --- Assertive --- Aggressive

It is far from trivial to balance this. Particularly hard as one can expect resistance when asking for change from anyone and often strongly from a pwBPD. We need to be ok experiencing resistance, it is expected after all and just a milestone on the way. When it comes to balance you need a firm stand...  



Being able to take a stand requires to feel secure yourself. Boundaries are a critical skill to feel secure. There will be resistance and not being afraid is already a big step towards assertiveness. Not feeling afraid is also a key for the other side not to sense and feel fear.

Boundary understanding is also critical to deal with the extinction bursts. DEARMAN is designed to overcome it by avoiding triggering too much and persisting through it.

Boundaries are also critical to predict the negotiation space on the other side and also to decide on how far you will yield if needed. The latter is known in negotiations as BATNA - Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement.



Have a firm stand, being able to negotiate the spectrum between flexibility and firmness we need to be mindful. Knowing where we are in the DEARMAN steps is useful but even more important is focusing on the situation at hand. Perceive the reaction of the other side. Perceiving and regulating own emotions. Listening to the other side. Flexible if there is a true need but only then. Being clear and persisting.




Working on SET, Assertiveness, Boundaries and Mindfulness can be done independently and will give immediate payback. The better we get at them the more mental energy we have to successfully steer a complex interaction.

Having said all this - should one give up on DEARMAN at the beginning? Not at all although SET is a necessary skill. DEARMAN is valuable skill that at its very core boils down to:

We have a right to ask for change - the other side may or may not agree, that is fine too.

When owning up to our requests, staying respectful and focused on what we want we improve our chances for affecting change.
Logged

  Writing is self validation. Writing on BPDFamily is self validation squared!
heartandwhole
Sr. Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2254



« Reply #14 on: August 12, 2013, 03:58:39 PM »

I think I could have used DEARMAN today. I've never tried to use it before, but here's a situation where it might help: When I visit my mother, sometimes she "orders" me to do things, which means she doesn't ask, she just says things like " you have to do this" or "we have to get this done," etc.  Sometimes that turns into "You didn't do this" "I told you..blah blah...  "

Now, I'm an adult, and I'm embarrassed to say that this bothers me sometimes. (Of course there is a whole FOO backstory here that I won't get into.) If she wants some help that I'm not already doing (most of the time she doesn't have to say anything), I'd like her to ask me, instead of telling me what to do and when to do it.  

So, DEARMAN plan:

D: Mom, when you tell me what to do and when to do it,
E: I feel a little like a servant and not respected.
A: I'd like you to ask me to do things, instead of telling me.
R: We get along so well and I don't want this to put any strain on our relationship, because I value it so much.
M: When she tells me she's hurt by my feelings, I'll listen and validate while maintaining my position.
A: This might be tricky, but I think I can appear confident by staying on topic and looking at her.
N: I can make sure that if she does ask me for help, I'll be open to it and won't passively show resentment, so that she feels comfortable doing what I've asked her to do.

It's a lot to remember, but I think I have the gist of it?

Thanks so much for this workshop!  love

Logged

  When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul ~ Rumi

musicfan42
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 510


« Reply #15 on: August 12, 2013, 04:07:09 PM »

heartandwhole-yes, that's a really good DEARMAN smiley You definitely have the gist of it.
Logged
heartandwhole
Sr. Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2254



« Reply #16 on: August 13, 2013, 07:25:36 AM »

Thank you, musicfan42, it took me awhile!  love
Logged

  When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul ~ Rumi

polly87
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 119



« Reply #17 on: June 02, 2015, 09:50:24 AM »

Hi there  Welcome
Thanks for explaining this communication technique. I hope nobody will mind that I am replying to this topic after such a long silence.

My MIL can be demanding and uncommunicative at times. In another thread, I worked out the following fictional/ideal response.

MIL: How nice that you are here today. I would also really like to see you guys next weekend. I know that you have no official appointments; will you come over next Sunday at five o’clock?

My response:
D –I understand you would really like to see us and that you would like to finish the planning for next week.
E – It makes me feel like a little kid when you determine how often we meet. Even though meeting us is fun time for you, it is not like that for me. I do not like watching you get tipsy. I would like to relax on my own during the weekend. (There is no way that I am going to be able to say any of
this aloud... I will have to think of other words to say this.)
A – I would like to have some more time before I decide about our planning next weekend.
R – Of course I would also like to see you again soon. If I have some time to think about whether there are any tasks we need to do next weekend, we can meet when I actually have the time and we can stay with you the longer.
M – Mindfulness: I will try to focus on what I want: being able to decide for myself whether or not to visit my inlaws. Empowerment. Living my own life.
A – Appear confident: I will try to make eye contact and act as if I do this every day wink
N – I do not have any plans yet for the weekend after the next one, so if you want to pick a date right now, we could always settle on a date about two weeks ahead.

I am afraid it will take a lot of time and effort before I will manage to actually say this aloud to her.

Logged

Your stairway lies on the whispering wind
an0ught
Board advisor
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Person in your life: Romantic Partner
Posts: 6318



« Reply #18 on: June 02, 2015, 04:28:29 PM »

Hi polly87,

no, we don't mind posts in old workshops. Workshops are long living threads and exist for that very reason. The board just puts up a silly warning that is useful on the main boards but not here. Am I JADEing here  rolleyes

Thank you very much for your example. It is well worked out so there is a lot to see and tell  Doing the right thing

My MIL can be demanding and uncommunicative at times. In another thread, I worked out the following fictional/ideal response.

MIL: How nice that you are here today. I would also really like to see you guys next weekend. I know that you have no official appointments; will you come over next Sunday at five o’clock?
So MIL is doing a surprise move and is pushing hard. How does one deal with that?

It is easy to get steamrolled by a pwBPD as they are capable of spontaneous surprise (even to themselves) and do their pushing with high emotional intensity.

Now your response via DEARMAN is terse but still relatively long winded - 7 letters - and thus complicated. It is an invalidating move and it is relatively weak (explanations etc.). The risk here is the invalidation either leads to anger or to even harder pushing by MIL.

She is a bully. You should put in place boundaries to stop her doing her stunts. One boundary could be that "I control my time and I don't owe justification to MILs or others alike".
You: Sorry MIL, that weekend is already spoken for .
MIL: I know you have time blah blah
You: I do have plans and I'm not going to discuss this further. <repeat as needed, stick as close to the story as possible>
That will of course cause some upset and you possibly see an extinction burst where she tries to be even more controlling.

Another approach would be to turn the lack of steadiness against her and defuse. Validate, validate and validate the idea. Truly let her explain what drives her. When energy level drops then move to another topic or reject the idea or whatever works best in your through intelligence improved judgment.


Quote
D –I understand you would really like to see us and that you would like to finish the planning for next week.
That is good validation and quite descriptive of something. Facts are important.

Quote
E – It makes me feel like a little kid when you determine how often we meet. Even though meeting us is fun time for you, it is not like that for me. I do not like watching you get tipsy. I would like to relax on my own during the weekend. (There is no way that I am going to be able to say any of
this aloud... I will have to think of other words to say this.)
Yes, that is not going to work as it is obviously a dump of your emotions. Understandable emotions but dumping still. What is missing in particular is the connection to D. So either D needs fixing or E needs fixing or I think both. You are upset about her drinking but drinking is not coming out in your "D"

Quote
A – I would like to have some more time before I decide about our planning next weekend.
And I would like to see a stronger assertive statement here like: "I won't tell you now. I come back to you in 2 days.". You don't have to get her permission. You state what you don't do and what you do.

Quote
R – Of course I would also like to see you again soon. If I have some time to think about whether there are any tasks we need to do next weekend, we can meet when I actually have the time and we can stay with you the longer.
Of course is of course defensive.

Quote
M – Mindfulness: I will try to focus on what I want: being able to decide for myself whether or not to visit my inlaws. Empowerment. Living my own life.
Doing the right thing decisions and negotiations are benefiting greatly from grounding them in our values.

Quote
A – Appear confident: I will try to make eye contact and act as if I do this every day wink
I will try to not try but do it. Maybe start practicing eye contact with less aggressive people first in a targeted manner.

Quote
N – I do not have any plans yet for the weekend after the next one, so if you want to pick a date right now, we could always settle on a date about two weeks ahead.
Sounds like a reasonable goal to pursue. Breaks her control on your schedule and follows established respectful procedures used between adults.


Taking a step back - there are two issues you seem to be struggling
  - her drinking behavior
  - her pushiness

I think her drinking is best handled with boundaries. She is not following her own interests and is not likely to listen much to what you ask her via DEARMAN. Drinking is a serious problem but not one that lends itself to negotiation.

So let's focus on her pushiness. First when to deploy DEARMAN? Dearman starts with facts and as explained above these facts can be invalidating and so it is not a good idea to use DEARMAN as a response pattern at all. DEARMAN is best used as a pattern where we have the initiative. The whole idea of DEARMAN is us setting an agenda and driving it through to conclusion. So pick a good time and push your agenda for a change starting with D.

D: I get about every month a request for a weekend event from you. Mostly spontaneous and with high priority. You are an important person and we try to make it work and we generally make the event work.
E: To make it work we scramble a lot. It causes stress to reschedule all the small things that were planned with others or were arranged to be efficiently done. It is happening so often that at times I feel I have lost control over my time.
A: I want to ask you to plan your visits with us 3-4 weeks in advance.
R: That way we will be less stressed and can better concentrate when you visit. When we have more prep time we also can do some more meaningful events. And you don't feel obligated anymore whenever you see us to offer us to visit soon. This allows you also to plan your other weekends better.
Mindful: Yeah, you are asking her to put in more polite requests but in the back of your mind you know you have a boundary there too. In the future she is not going to get the permission to visit you without a 2 week advance notice. That is under your control.
Negotiate: The 3-4 had some negotiation buffer built in. Give some. Protect your boundary. Don't explain or justify your boundary. Stay focused on your request for advance notice. You don't need a commitment signed in blood. The commitment is enforced from the other side as she will learn in due time.

Here DEARMAN and boundaries go hand in hand. It is often a good strategy to ask for reasonable behavior not straight but with a little distance from your vital interests. In addition then protect the underlying vital aspects with a boundary. We really don't want to police their behavior we only want to protect our interests.
Logged

  Writing is self validation. Writing on BPDFamily is self validation squared!
polly87
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 119



« Reply #19 on: June 03, 2015, 07:27:18 AM »

Hi an0ught and thank you for your reply.  After reading your explanation I understand why my DEARMAN is long winded and why it has the possibility of making my MIL angry. In another thread, Kwamina advised me to use DEARMAN - I did not understand at first how it this technique used to initiate a conversation on boundaries or wishes instead of reacting to something a pwBPD wants or says.

Quote
She is a bully. You should put in place boundaries to stop her doing her stunts. One boundary could be that "I control my time and I don't owe justification to MILs or others alike".

Thanks for your honesty. I have had a hard time trying to put up boundaries, but it is not easy to stick to them (partly because my partner does not mind seeing his parents as much as I do).

I am not sure if I am ready to stick to my boundaries so tightly that it might lead to a fight. Rather, I am trying to avoid a heated discussion, embarrassment  and/or fight at all times. This is, sadly, the reason why I have not stuck to my boundaries in the past. I am going to have to accept that my wishes and hers are going to differ anyway and that she will not like it.

I will have to do some more work before I am ready to initiate a conversation with MIL about my boundaries. When the time is ripe, I know I can return to this technique smiley

Polly
Logged

Your stairway lies on the whispering wind
Links and Information




Your Account
Settings
Moderation Appeal
Become a Sponsor
Sponsorship Account



TOOLS
Validation
Ending Cycle of Conflict
Triggering and Wisemind
Values and Boundaries
Becoming more empathetic
On-Line CBT Program
>> More Tools


VIDEO
What is BPD - Family
What is BPD - Romantic
What is BPD - Child
End the Cycle of Conflict
Validation Skills
Empathy Skills
Parental Alienation
Dialectal Dilemma (audio)


ARTICLES
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Diagnosis of BPD
Treatment of BPD
Series: My Child
Series: My Parent/Sibling
Series: My Significant Other
Series: My Spouse
Series: My Failing Romance


BOOK REVIEWS
Endorsed Books
Other Staff Reviews
Member Reviews


ARTICLES ARCHIVED
Symptoms of BPD
A Clinical Perspective
Treatment of BPD
Leaving a Partner
Depression
Sexual Addiction
Healthy Relationships



FOREIGN LANGUAGE
die Symptome einer Borderline-Persönlichkeitsstörung



MESSAGEBOARD
Top 50 Questions
Messageboard Guidelines
Directory



ABOUT US
Mission
History (Wikipedia)
Professional Endorsements
Policy and Disclaimers


OTHER
Facebook News

Google+
Google+ (Skip)
Video Blog
BPDResources.net
Helpful External Links
Domestic Violence Crisis
Suicidal Ideation




EMERGENCY
Pages: 1 [2]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2015, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!