1.01 | The Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship

[LivingWBPDWife]

Skip,

This is so great to hear, its funny since all these things have been rolling around in my mind, and as I read more and more BPD experiences and tactics to survive, its almost scary how similar everyone's experiences are -- on the other hand, its also depressing since everything you say is correct IMO. And I did NOT get married for this. But, we had a baby, and now until I have a better option that splitting up this family I am stuck. So, I have to learn to live with it.

[incadove]

Thanks for posting this, I'd be interested to see how people have applied this to BPD adult children, who naturally if at all possible one wants to stay in a relationship with. Mine are not diagnosed BPD but were abandoned at a young age and I think have some of the emotional traits/patterns.  I really like what you said about deciding to do it long term and committing to be the stable one and be non-reactive.  I have been too reactive to my own emotional pain, and the need to develop a very strong identity/ego separate from the relationship I think also applies to adult children.  I often read and post on the Parenting board but most of the people on that board are in crisis, while currently my kids are pretty stable and making an effort to do well, so I'm more concerned with how to modify my own behavior to continue gradual improvement long term.  Thanks and further advice welcome!

[Schmetterlinge]

Wow, this list was so eye-opening!  Reading it absolutely terrifies me.  Right now, I don't have it in me to keep up with all of this.  I don't think I am strong enough to do all of this!  Definitely gives perspective.

[Helpmate]

I truly appreciate these posts.    I have also decided to stay in our relationship, and indeed people have no idea how to help you as Mamabear expresses.  I am not blaming them.  I was there before my current situation.  I am new here in this site.  My dear husband has BP traits and other issues that have been diagnosed.  He has suffered much in his life.  I know I want to be there for him, but I have come to realize that I first need to deal with my issues, take care of myself and build a support system, so I can be there for him. 

[zachira]

So much great advice on how to deal with a person with BPD.
I would add:
1)Don't share too much about yourself. Many people with BPD and NPD like to learn as much about a new person as they can and then charm that person by making them think they have all the same interests and values. People with BPD are not usually  interested in others, and often like to project their unhappiness on to others. Personal information is often used to smear another person when the person with BPD is feeling abandoned.

[Tattered Heart]

Starting over in the lessons again. I used these years ago and just following through on these things helped my husband go into remission and we had about a year solid of a normal relationship. I've stopped looking at him as a person again. I only see him as his disease.

This lesson was a great reminder in the motivations behind his behavior. It's a great reminder that I have to stop making things worse before I can make them better. And that means I have to stop seeing my husband as a difficult obstacle but instead as a person experiencing strong emotions that cause him to feel hurt, alone, and abandoned.

[shu87]

This is really good information, it motivates us to accept life and points us in the right direction. 

yes me too I've stopped looking at him as a person again. I only see him as his disease. Anything he says or talks irrational just goes out the door.

Distracting ourselves out of it is the right thing to do. We need to be healthy too and not get sucked into their emotions. Their brains are not thinking healthy things.

Yes I try by best to put my word across to think positive and healthy, but it just doesn't work for them. I can understand it's hard for them, but I am sure it's not impossible.

Thanks for the advice.