I think I am going crazy

[harmoniasdream]

Hi, I need some guidance as I don't know what to do.

I got involved with a man at work who I believe is an undiagnosed bpd (I took note of all the traits and talked with my therapist about it).

We were both in a relationship when we met. I left my partner as soon as I started to have feelings for this man. From the beginning we had this explosive chemistry, other colleagues often commented on some of our behaviours (like little kids playing, then fighting). I grew up in a dysfunctional family, verbal, physical and emotional abuse, violence, mental disorders, schizophrenia, and at least two diagnosed cluster b cases. So far, I have no diagnose myself, but sometimes I show some bpd traits, other times I think I have narcissistic traits, depending on the people I surround myself with. I've also been NC with my family since 2022.

This is the context. Now, my therapist has told me that I got involved with this person because he seems familiar to me. After two years, I came across the meaning of trauma bond.The problem is, for two years, we had this push and pull dynamic, I often felt anxious near him, doubting the truthfulness of his words; there was something about my instincts that I kept ignoring. At some point I started doubting myself and so I started taking notes, realising that most of his stuff were lies or different versions of the same story. He was also abusive sometimes, backhanded comments, putting his hands around my throat for a second, being vindictive. At some point I thought he checked my computer and phone because he kept telling me about stuff I talked about with friends. I told him this and he denied. He was also controlling, more towards the end.

And yet, I kept going, telling him everything about me, sharing private info... Then, I was gone for a couple of months on holidays, he told me he missed me everyday and wanted to leave his wife and live with me, have kids with me, etc. I told him no, that I met someone else who made me realise that I shouldn't settle, and that if he really wanted to be with me he should leave his wife and go to therapy, maybe in a few years we could be together. I was tough, and felt bad about it.

In a nutshell, after this there was chaos with his wife, he threw me under the bus and said he couldn't care less about me. Something was off, so one night I got drunk and got the 'courage' to check his work computer (as a means to protect myself, I don't do anything with the info, I just read it and try to make sense of what is happening, and yes, makes me feel like a weirdo). I found out that during these two years he had been telling our female colleague really nasty stuff about me, that I am crazy, that I have no friends (I have just enough and I am ok with that because they're great), etc. then since that night I told him I didn't want to be with him, he told her a bunch of private stuff about me, like slandering, and twisting the real meaning of the stories, like REALLY out of context, or actual lies.

When this happened, I asked him for support. He told me that I was not his priority and that he didn't want to talk to me, I stopped talking to him everywhere (even at work), then, a month later, he came to me to apologise, saying that he missed me, "his best friend", and said that he was single. I told him I didn't care. The next day, I saw him with his wife at a party, when I caught him alone, I asked "didn't you say you were single?", he told me to leave him alone and later told other people that I am obsessed with him, and that I made a fool of myself with jealousy.

I didn't say anything after that. The whole time I've kept shut at work. No mentions of him, no talking, no drama. A month later, I caught him stalking me in the street. Literally following me inside places. He saw me staring at him, he tried to call me, and text me. I didn't reply.

In the meantime, he keeps telling people in his circle, and at our work place, how horrible I am, how I remind him of his sociopath ex, how obsessed I am with him, twisting the story, playing the victim, making me look like a desperate psycho. In his stories, he was the one telling me to go away, but still wonders if he should have stayed with me... even though he is currently with his wife who loves him and forgave him.

I feel like everyone at work hates me (especially because I know that I have a tough character, it's hard for me to bend the knee), and I think I am going crazy and want to quit my job and I have no proper plan b.

My therapist is not responding to me, even after I emailed her the stalking episode, so I am not sure what to do. I am not trying to remove my fault in this, I just want to make sense of everything and understand how to deal with this.

Thanks, sorry for the dissertation, I've tried to write this 4 times already.

[harmoniasdream]

Hi, I need some guidance as I don't know what to do.

I got involved with a colleague who I believe is an undiagnosed bpd (I took note of all the traits and talked with my therapist about it).

We were both in a relationship when we met. I left my partner as soon as I started to have feelings for this man. From the beginning we had this explosive chemistry, other colleagues often commented on some of our behaviours (like little kids playing, then fighting). I grew up in a dysfunctional family, verbal, physical and emotional abuse, violence, mental disorders, schizophrenia, and at least two diagnosed cluster b cases. I've been NC with my family since 2022.

This is the context. Now, my therapist has told me that I got involved with this person because he seems familiar to me. After two years, I came across the meaning of trauma bond.The problem is, for two years, we had this push and pull dynamic, I often felt anxious near him, doubting the truthfulness of his words; there was something about my instincts that I kept ignoring. At some point I started doubting myself and so I started taking notes, realising that most of his stuff were lies or different versions of the same story. He was also abusive sometimes, backhanded comments, putting his hands around my throat for a second, being vindictive. At some point I thought he checked my computer and phone because he kept telling me about stuff I talked about with friends. I told him this and he denied. He was also controlling, more towards the end.

And yet, I kept going, telling him everything about me, sharing private info... Then I was gone for a few months off, he told me he missed me everyday and wanted to leave his wife and live with me, have kids with me, etc. I told him that I met someone who made me realise that I shouldn't settle, and that if he really wanted to be with me he should leave his wife and go to therapy, maybe in a few years we could be together. I was tough, and felt bad about it.

After this there was chaos with his wife, he said that he couldn't care less about me. Something was off, one night I got drunk and got the 'courage' to check his work computer (as a means to protect myself, I don't do anything with the info, I just read it and try to make sense of what is happening, and yes, makes me feel like a weirdo). I found out that during these two years he had been telling our colleague really nasty stuff about me, that I am crazy, that I have no friends (I have just enough and I am ok with that because they're great), etc. then since that night I told him I didn't want to be with him, he told her a bunch of private stuff about me, like slandering, and twisting the real meaning of the stories, like REALLY out of context, or actual lies.

When this happened, I asked him for support. He told me that I was not his priority and that he didn't want to talk to me, I stopped talking to him everywhere (even at work). A month later, he came back to apologise, saying that he missed me, "his best friend", and said that he was single. I told him I didn't care. The next day, I saw him with his wife at a party. I caught him alone and asked "didn't you say you were single?", he told me to leave him alone and later told other people that I am obsessed with him, and that I made a fool of myself with jealousy.

I didn't say anything after that. The whole time I've kept shut at work. No mentions of him, no talking, no drama. Another month went by, I caught him stalking me in the street. Literally following me inside places. He saw me staring at him, he tried to call me, and texted me. I didn't reply.

In the meantime, he keeps telling people in his circle, and at our work place, how horrible I am, how I remind him of his sociopath ex, how obsessed I am with him, twisting the story, playing the victim, making me look like a desperate psycho. In his stories, he was the one telling me to go away (which he did once he decided to go back to his wife), but still wonders if he should have stayed with me... even though he is currently her, who loves and forgave him. This happened in such a way that from the outside it seems like everything was induced by me, that he never wanted anything to do with me (ex. he used to hold my hand and ask for hugs, now he says he never wanted me to touch him).

I feel like everyone at work hates me (especially because I know that I have a tough character), and I think I am going crazy and want to quit my job and I have no proper plan b.

My therapist is not responding to me, even after I emailed her the stalking episode, so I am not sure what to do. I am not trying to remove my fault here, I just want to make sense of everything and understand how to deal with this.

Thanks, sorry for the dissertation, I've tried to write this 4 times already.

[Kashi]

People here are better at giving advice.

I have a lot of life experience and made mistakes that I regret, or wish didn't happen. 

I could have handled people and situations better. 

Reading your story, I thought you got yourself into an emotional tangle. 

Good rule is to not cross over relationships, but give yourself time in between to think, feel, heal, get stronger. 

If a person is willing to cheat on their partner, with the lies and betrayal that involves, then what are their values.  Who says he wouldn't do the same to you.   Who says when the chips are down, they won't throw you under the bus to save themselves. 

It isn't a crime to have a partner and then have a feeling about someone else.  But that doesn't mean it should be acted on. It could be a signal that something is lacking in your relationship or perhaps within you.  The person who is firing these emotions in you is simply meant to be a friend and nothing more.  Or simply a message that you need to listen to. 

You walk into something like that without joining your emotions, your thoughts and logic then you are ignoring the red flags.  It is going to be a mess.   It will hurt people.  Likely outcome it will hurt you. 

You already know he has lied.   I guess that doesn't surprise you right?  Because he has been lying to his wife. 

Now he has control of the narrative and is swinging it in his favor.

He has specifically said not to talk to him.  I would start there and not speak to him, so he can't use anything against you.

The thing about workplaces is the next bit of gossip will come along and what he is saying won't matter. 

In mean time it sounds like he spends a lot of time gossiping.  People will get sick of that.  The more he spills his story the more people will start to question.  Who knows he sounds like a flirt; he probably has a reputation at work. 

You are not going to be with him.  You left a relationship.  You got yourself in a "pickle"

My advice...

I think it's time you stop thinking and ruminating on what he is doing and saying and ground yourself.

Good way to do that is stay out of the gossip, don't look for information about him, don't concern yourself with him at all, don't speak to people at work about the details, never speak about him at work, don't engage with him, have a prepared "message" if he tries to speak to you.   Don't be rude to him.  Grey rock him.

Focus on you.  You are caught up in the whirlwind.  You need to extract yourself from it. 

In regards to your therapist, I think the best way to engage with them is to ask for an appointment.   I don't know any therapist who will respond to emails.   Not where I live.   Communication has to be face to face.   

Do you think it's time you asked yourself why....what were your mistakes...how are you going to handle something like this in the future...what do you need now...what is going to make life better for yourself now...who do you want to be...what is important to you...how has this hurt you and what part of it you are responsible for...how can you be more gentle with yourself and kinder....feel your worth...

[schwing]

Hi harmoniasdream and

So which part of your situation are you uncertain about how to handle?

…From the beginning we had this explosive chemistry, other colleagues often commented on some of our behaviours (like little kids playing, then fighting). I grew up in a dysfunctional family, verbal, physical and emotional abuse, violence, mental disorders, schizophrenia, and at least two diagnosed cluster b cases…

…This is the context. Now, my therapist has told me that I got involved with this person because he seems familiar to me. After two years, I came across the meaning of trauma bond.The problem is, for two years, we had this push and pull dynamic, I often felt anxious near him, doubting the truthfulness of his words; there was something about my instincts that I kept ignoring.

Are you trying to gain some insight into how your family history may have impacted how/who you select in courtship dynamics? I also grew up with multiple cluster b cases, which seriously impacted who I ended up dating seriously for many years.

…He was also abusive sometimes, backhanded comments, putting his hands around my throat for a second, being vindictive. At some point I thought he checked my computer and phone because he kept telling me about stuff I talked about with friends. I told him this and he denied. He was also controlling, more towards the end.

And yet, I kept going, telling him everything about me, sharing private info... Then, I was gone for a couple of months on holidays, he told me he missed me everyday and wanted to leave his wife and live with me, have kids with me, etc. I told him no, that I met someone else who made me realise that I shouldn't settle, and that if he really wanted to be with me he should leave his wife and go to therapy, maybe in a few years we could be together. I was tough, and felt bad about it.

Or are you trying to re-consider the current attachment you have with this man? 

Do you consider someone who behaves “abusive[ly]” towards you, who threatens to choke you, who you do not trust with your privacy, who is “controlling,” are none of these behaviors deal-breakers?

Would you overlook all of theses qualities, as long as he demonstrates a stronger commitment towards you by leaving his wife, go into therapy for a couple of years?  Or did you actually mean that you realize that he’s not available to you in a way that you require him to be (emotionally) available, and so you are no longer interested in him. 

But if you are no longer interested in him, how are you uncertain about what to do?

…I found out that during these two years he had been telling our female colleague really nasty stuff about me, that I am crazy, that I have no friends (I have just enough and I am ok with that because they're great), etc. then since that night I told him I didn't want to be with him, he told her a bunch of private stuff about me, like slandering, and twisting the real meaning of the stories, like REALLY out of context, or actual lies.

Then again, having this kind of curiosity doesn’t sound like you want to disengage from him.  And you only ended up finding things out that re-invigorates your engagement to him.

I feel like everyone at work hates me (especially because I know that I have a tough character, it's hard for me to bend the knee), and I think I am going crazy and want to quit my job and I have no proper plan b.

My therapist is not responding to me, even after I emailed her the stalking episode, so I am not sure what to do. I am not trying to remove my fault in this, I just want to make sense of everything and understand how to deal with this.

… My intuition tells me that what you may end up choosing to do, has more to do with how everyone else behaves/reacts (esp, your pwBPD) and not so much what you want for yourself.

For example, you might choose to keep your head low, stay out of workplace drama (try dating outside of your workplace?) and just keep your job for now until you can find a better situation.  Is that what you want to do?  Or will that change the minute your pwBPD engages you in a manner that prevents you from behaving as you choose?

Not that I would judge you.  I’ve been in BPD relationships where intellectually I understood that I should do everything I can to stay disengaged, but the minute my BPDgf made herself available to me, I would forget all my prior decisions and choose the fleeting respite.  Because if I had to choose between pain and fleeting happiness, I would choose the latter even if that supposed respite turns out to be the same reason for my pain.

I would however, suggest that you take the pain now if it allows you to exit this excruciating dance, because eventually it will lead to enough pain that you may not have a choice in the future.

Best wishes,

Schwing