counseling for me

[Slipping]

My uBPDd is 28, and has been suffering with BPD symptoms from early childhood.  I have only recently become aware of the existence of the diagnosis of BPD, but realize that my d displays many of the behaviors to include self-harm and an attempted suicide.  She also has several chronic health conditions and, as a result of these, is disabled and doesn't work. For the last 2 years, she's had repeated physical injuries and has hardly moved out of the bed for the last year.  Unless, of course, there's something pleasant to do and then she finds the motivation to get up.  She absolutely refuses to go to therapy, primarily b/c of several failed attempts in the past.

I am, and have always been, the primary focus of my d's rages and anger.  In the past, I could tolerate it b/c I understood it to be the result of her simply feeling out-of-control and needing to lash out.  But since her suicide attempt (for which she blames me), it seems to be much more calculated and more like a settled hatred than an impulsive need to vent.  I am so incredibly sad b/c I always felt like there was some hope for our relationship.  Now I am losing that hope that kept me engaged and motivated to help her. 

Since my daughter is refusing treatment (I am the one with the problem according to her), I have been doing DBT therapy for myself.  It has been a great help to have access to someone who knows so much about the disorder and has helped me learn to validate her and change my behavior in our interactions.  I'm not sure that this is the right therapy, though, to help me process my emotions.  Her doctors say that she is "fragile" and that leads me to great difficulty in knowing where to set limits with her.  I feel like I'm drowning.  I have spent my entire life caring for her, and now all I can see is a future of hostile interactions and my inability to meet her perceived needs.

I'm just wondering what type of counselor anyone here has used to try to deal with their own grief and sadness.  The DBT is great for skills training, but I just can't seem to come to grips with the fact of d's hatred and the loss of hope.  Due to her health conditions, she does need physical support to manage her life and I don't see how I will ever be able to put true distance between us. Can anyone recommend a type of counseling that has helped them deal with this?  Or have you managed by using the skills of radical acceptance?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Slipping,

It is good that you are looking after yourself and getting counseling to learn skill.  I can see where you are coming from wanting to process your own emotions regarding your daughter, her illnesses and the impact this has on your life.  Have you thought about grief counseling?  Radically accepting is one of the stages of grieving.

Here is some info on grieving mental illness in a loved one that may help you decide if this is a direction you want to go in:


https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272538.0

lbj