Expecting different results

[Our abuse recovery guide]

 Haven't been here for quite a long time, but I'm back, having been brought to my knees by my 89 year old mother! I had disentangled myself pretty well for the last 23 years,(haven't seen her) and after lots of therapy, mindfulness, work on myself ACOA and my own roles, I was still pretty intimidated. I worked hard to steer clear of her and stuck to my boundaries.  Then, about six months ago, she called me, and for some reason (probably because she's my MOTHER, right?) I took the call.  The first 4 or 5 calls were OK, and she actually apologized for having given me too much responsibility as a child (I am oldest of three girls, and unfortunately, I believe my two sisters are nBPD, too). So, while that was just the very tiniest tip of the iceberg, I did give her credit and continue the relationship. I could tell she was being very, very careful and I was, too.  But then she got demanding about how often I should contact her, and she said some really mean stuff about my recently deceased husband, and I reacted. I did everything wrong: confronted her on her inventory of cruel behavior, how her reality is like from a different solar system, how the constant negativity and judgemental commentary is really alienating, etc., etc., and she didn't say too much more, because I wouldn't let her blame anyone else. Well, eventually she coiled up and bared her fangs. And the first strike was that she knew my husband was just a fraudulent kook (he was an FBI agent, predominantly undercover), and that my father actually hated me and had commanded that no one tell me when he died, and that I was to be banned from his funeral. (I'm pretty sure that was her idea, and yes indeed, she did pull it off). To conclude the conversation, she said in her nicest social worker/therapist voice that she knew I probably wasn't strong enough to continue the relationship, being so sickly, so she'd leave it to me to contact her next time.    What was I thinking? That after 66 years I could actually trade in the plastic pacifier on a real mommy?
So this morning I woke up with 4 canker sores on my tongue (what symbolism, right?) and I feel as though I've been hit by a truck. I am so ashamed that I fell for it. I am so hurt that after everything, she cannot be trusted with any part of me or my life. That I cannot connect with her on any level, that she undermined my "therapeutic" communication toolbox, and yes, indeed, that she makes me literally sick.  At some point, I had told her about the ACE study, as my sister and I suffered from bad asthma and ecxema, and I have had Lupus for years. I told her it was documented by Cleveland Clinic and the Nat'l Institutes of Health, and she flatly said, "That's not true and I don't believe it." I guess the positive outcomes here are: I have recently experienced some classical, outstanding demonstrations of all sorts of BPD behaviors, and I have enough to convince me that's what we're dealing with, or more precisely, notdealing with ever again. How sad that validating a hurting child becomes an existential crisis for her? How awful that she has lived her whole life without knowing herself or others, and that fear has given her the mandate to re-write everything uncomfortable in her life?  I feel sick as a poisoned dog, but in some ways, I'm seeing more clearly through this curtain of tears. 

[Ela2011]

 Haven't been here for quite a long time, but I'm back, having been brought to my knees by my 89 year old mother! I had disentangled myself pretty well for the last 23 years,(haven't seen her) and after lots of therapy, mindfulness, work on myself ACOA and my own roles, I was still pretty intimidated. I worked hard to steer clear of her and stuck to my boundaries.  Then, about six months ago, she called me, and for some reason (probably because she's my MOTHER, right?) I took the call.  The first 4 or 5 calls were OK, and she actually apologized for having given me too much responsibility as a child (I am oldest of three girls, and unfortunately, I believe my two sisters are nBPD, too). So, while that was just the very tiniest tip of the iceberg, I did give her credit and continue the relationship. I could tell she was being very, very careful and I was, too.  But then she got demanding about how often I should contact her, and she said some really mean stuff about my recently deceased husband, and I reacted. I did everything wrong: confronted her on her inventory of cruel behavior, how her reality is like from a different solar system, how the constant negativity and judgemental commentary is really alienating, etc., etc., and she didn't say too much more, because I wouldn't let her blame anyone else. Well, eventually she coiled up and bared her fangs. And the first strike was that she knew my husband was just a fraudulent kook (he was an FBI agent, predominantly undercover), and that my father actually hated me and had commanded that no one tell me when he died, and that I was to be banned from his funeral. (I'm pretty sure that was her idea, and yes indeed, she did pull it off). To conclude the conversation, she said in her nicest social worker/therapist voice that she knew I probably wasn't strong enough to continue the relationship, being so sickly, so she'd leave it to me to contact her next time.    What was I thinking? That after 66 years I could actually trade in the plastic pacifier on a real mommy?
So this morning I woke up with 4 canker sores on my tongue (what symbolism, right?) and I feel as though I've been hit by a truck. I am so ashamed that I fell for it. I am so hurt that after everything, she cannot be trusted with any part of me or my life. That I cannot connect with her on any level, that she undermined my "therapeutic" communication toolbox, and yes, indeed, that she makes me literally sick.  At some point, I had told her about the ACE study, as my sister and I suffered from bad asthma and ecxema, and I have had Lupus for years. I told her it was documented by Cleveland Clinic and the Nat'l Institutes of Health, and she flatly said, "That's not true and I don't believe it." I guess the positive outcomes here are: I have recently experienced some classical, outstanding demonstrations of all sorts of BPD behaviors, and I have enough to convince me that's what we're dealing with, or more precisely, notdealing with ever again. How sad that validating a hurting child becomes an existential crisis for her? How awful that she has lived her whole life without knowing herself or others, and that fear has given her the mandate to re-write everything uncomfortable in her life?  I feel sick as a poisoned dog, but in some ways, I'm seeing more clearly through this curtain of tears. 

[Harri]

Hi Ela2011 and welcome back.  First, let me offer my condolences on your husband's passing.  I am so sorry.  

I think expecting different results is related to having hop and hope seems to be almost hard wired when it comes to our mothers.  Don't be hard on yourself for that.  We learn each time and we detach more and more, but I think it may be an ongoing process, one which gets easier with time thankfully.  I understand being upset that you 'fell for it' but of course you did!  It is okay and what happened is not yours to feel shame about.

Your mother has said some very hurtful things about your husband and about your father.  Things like that cause deep hurts.  Unfortunately it is not uncommon for people to be able to hone in on our weak points.  That is on them.  

I am so sorry for what has happened but I am glad you remembered us and reached out.  We can help support you if you wish to work on strengthening yourself or even if you just want some place to talk.

Take good care.

[Ela2011]

Thank you Harri! It's a new day and another chance to learn and grow stronger. I appreciate having this board and all its incredible, resources available. And I appreciate the reminder from Viktor Frankel, too.

[Harri]

Yes, it is a new day and each, if we are blessed, brings a new lesson or perspective. 

The quote I have on my profile serves as a reminder for me as well.