Need advice please

[gah]

My SO has devalued me. We got close, bought a house and then the rage started before we even moved in - he twists things, I'm to blame for everything and everything about me seems to irritate him. I was not aware he was BPD and he is undiagnosed. It has been three weeks of hell.  He has been brutal.  I still love him and want to work this out.  I am prepared to research, learn and see a therapist.

He has been baiting me.  I am good for awhile with validation techniques but, not equipped for this, for so long,  I have taken the bait.  And several times over the course of our relationship I have threatened to end it - unaware of BPD.  :)uring this episode, he has pointed out, by date, exactly when I've done it.  After three weeks of sheer mind spinning hell I said if you leave we are done I am not posturing. He left.  I so hate my brain sometimes - I knew he was baiting me at the time too.

If I don't text him for a few hours he bait's me... .now he says we're done and I don't want to be (clearly I need to work on my boundaries).  

This is where I need some clarity. I think he may be punishing me in protection mode and I'm unclear if he really wants me to leave?  I don't want to be the hanger-on-er if he means it.  I told him that if he wants to end our relationship to change our status on Facebook - he hasn't done that.  I'm wondering if he's testing me?  

"In the interest of not doing the same escalating dance I think it's prudent to realize we can't live with the conditions imposed. I will move into another room while you sort things out. I'm not about to give any time lines as I'm not planning on doing anything except work, look after myself and repair the house. It would be grossly unfair to get you to find a place that takes a large pet, this way you don't need storage or a pet sitter. However it would be ludicrous and detrimental to continue this path we have been following"

Any thoughts?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Sorry to hear you have got yourself into such a corner.

Have you moved in to the new house as yet?

To be honest if he is a pwBPD then you have a long and difficult road ahead of you, and the less complications and enmeshment the better it will be for you to help sort this out. There are no quick fixes

Have you read through the articles below to give you an idea what you are up against?

LESSONS

What I have found works best when faced with the should I or shouldn't I decisions trying to fathom out what someone wants, is to decide what I am going to do unless specifically requested otherwise. In other words you have a default action mode, rather than live your life pending on trying to work out what someone else wants or really means.

Stay unless he flat out tells you to leave, or make plans to leave unless he flat out tells you to stay. Make him make the choice. Dont try second guessing him.

[an0ught]

My SO has devalued me. We got close, bought a house and then the rage started before we even moved in - he twists things, I'm to blame for everything and everything about me seems to irritate him.

He may be panicking about being so close all the time and now sabotaging it for lack of healthier alternative ways to deal with this big change.

"In the interest of not doing the same escalating dance I think it's prudent to realize we can't live with the conditions imposed. I will move into another room while you sort things out. I'm not about to give any time lines as I'm not planning on doing anything except work, look after myself and repair the house. It would be grossly unfair to get you to find a place that takes a large pet, this way you don't need storage or a pet sitter. However it would be ludicrous and detrimental to continue this path we have been following"

Every little bit of distance helps to maintain respect and walls can be a reasonable crutch for proper boundaries for a while.