I was in love with a 'quiet borderline'.

[Mars22]

I have found that in my healing from all this past half years bundle of mess and confusion that, keeping a word document;file and adding journal entires when needed has helped me release, understand and perhaps reflect back in on the progress and observations I've made. 
It helped bring order.

However, my word document started out as journal but evolved into much more. It evolved into a document of my experience. It contains clips, and/or phrases (big and small), paraphrase and definitions. There are poems, songs, lists and just - words. Maybe its a 'scrap-book'?. It feels like a record, Maybe proof of my understanding of what happened?.  Its like a document containing puzzle pieces. Pieces when put together create the BPD mosaic, and it is a mosaic. It brings light where there was none. And in reading this document from time to time [perhaps less frequent now]. it's words inspire me even more. And illuminates the space in my mind that was once dark.


I found this below response on a forum online early in my research identifying my current journey...
I've been 6 months NC [with many setbacks] and feel like i identify with it more than i did when i first read it at my beginning... .it really says it all to me at this point .



happy journey.\

M22



"... .  All of that being said, I just want to say a few things directly to those who are suffering from the shocking immediate loss of an important significant other because of “quiet borderline” behavior and abandonment:

1)   It is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. The reasons, if you get any, will be petty, juvenile, and never previously discussed as if you were able to read minds.

2)   In my non-clinical and humble estimation, this is the most lethal of the emotional injuries a BPD can inflict. It is subterfuge combined with the eventual sabotage. It will come from out of nowhere. You could not have been prepared for it. An “acting-out” BPD will at least show you manifestations of the illness. A “quiet borderline” is a ticking time bomb designed to make sure you are in the blast radius. You are the collateral damage of self-sabotage.

3)   Get help for yourself. My experience utterly devastated me, and far better men than me have been institutionalized because of this behavior. Thank God for my family, friends and my therapist. Lean on them. There is no shame in asking for help. You will need it.

4)   Run away. You cannot help this person. You are not an equipped professional. You will only expose yourself to more toxicity. Cut off all communication no matter how difficult it may be. Never, never, never re-engage.

5)   Alcohol will not help. I know; I tried it. It will only bring out the sadness you already feel, and will curtail your ability to separate from the toxicity.

6)   :)on’t try to rationalize the irrational. You know yourself; this other person doesn’t even know who they are beyond a vague notion of their “false-self”. Nothing you say or do will be met with any understanding.

7)   This is not about you. This is how this person is in all of their dealings. They are like a chameleon. Until they no longer have use for you, they will simply act as they expect you want them to.

8)   Inform yourself. You will find that many people just like you have experienced this, and shocking similarities in behavior and verbiage will emerge. It is OK to read about the subject, but at some point you have to give yourself a break.

9)   There WILL be a rebound relationship. The “quiet borderline” must have someone new to glom onto. Once again, this is not about you. You have already been filed into the shame category. If anything, pity the next poor fool who is the victim in waiting. Even if the new lover was complicitous in an affair with your ex, no one deserves this kind of pain. Each affair will end worse than the previous one.  Be sure of it.

10)   Be wary of gaslighting. You will be hurt and vulnerable. Don’t allow the blame to be shifted onto you to make you feel as though you are the one with the illness. Be vigilant against this.

11)   I reiterate: LET GO. I know this person has been a huge part of your life. I know that you can’t imagine how they could have hurt you this way. I know that everything seemed absolutely perfect. I know you envisioned a future. I know that you had never loved anything or anyone like you loved this person. All of this is by design. That is exactly how you were supposed to feel in order for the sabotage to work. For your own well being you have to see it for what it was: an act. You were manipulated. You were used. You were intentionally wounded. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. Move on. Life is beautiful and grand. There are literally millions of caring, loving, generous and sane people out there just waiting to meet someone like you. Really. I promise.

I apologize if this post was a little long, but I just wanted to emphasize some of the things that were told to me from the start that I wasn’t quite ready to absorb.

With my warmest regards for your health and happiness,
Andy1805
« Last Edit: July 02, 2013, 01:48:26 PM by Aames »
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[molitor]

Thanks, Mars.  Im 18 months out from a waif borderline as well. Its truly the most damaging event I have ever survived, but am doing SO much better these days. I still visit this forum time to time as I wont be fully healed for some time I imagine, if ever. I just wanted to say stay strong brotha, and thank for this post. Even now, its refreshing to read.

[Jazzy]

Mars,

A year  after having been  replaced and discarded by my  exBPD   bf,  I keep wondering where I went wrong and how   my man  could just dump me suddenly when everything seemed to be  going perfect .There were no tantrums, no rages... .not until  the  final discard .  He was a real angel or so he led me to believe  ... .until I discovered that he had been seeing someone else behind my back.

The suddenness of the discard came as a bolt out of the blue as everything seemed hunky dory .I had no inkling he was upset with me as we never fought  and he never got angry with me.I always believed we had the perfect relationship.

Your post helps me understand 'quiet borderlines"  and the effect this had on me better. This has truly been the most damaging event in my life and each and every day still continues to be a struggle.

 Thankyou.

[troisette]

Thank you for your post Mars, and the repost.

The description of quiet borderline personality disorder is chilling. I experienced it too;  a devastating emotional effect upon me at the time. I thought I would never recover, I had never experienced anything like it.

Classic borderline behaviour is easier to identify because it's acted out. Quiet, waif borderline is lethal, for all the reasons identified in that post. Also, additionally so for the non because the behavioural traits tend not to be identifiable by others, only those of us who got too close and saw the darkness inside and were damaged by it.

During my recovery I searched and read about quiet BPD, I wish I'd been able to find out more, it seems to be under represented in the literature.

An edit after re-reading the post: it's so important to never, ever, re-engage. Full NC is the best option.

[earlgrey]

Thanks Mars22. I still find pieces like this very reassuring.

About 3 years ago when my married life was just incomprehensible chaos, with no labels or explanations, my T. just said start looking out for you. I started reading how best to deliver divorce notice. I read some horrible stuff (suicides, kidnapping etc etc) so read on... .through depression, bipolar, PA, and by chance bumped into BPD.

The effect it had on me was immense. Here I was alone coping with pure chaos. W saw nothing, wasn't interested in understanding anything I had to say. It was madness, but only I was experiencing it.

Yet this obscure world of chaos was not my private nightmare, but shared by many with experiences and stories that made me feel not so alone and not so stupid.

Thanks again M22 and jmd and UpT and many others who helped me to realise what was going on.

[C.Stein]

I was also involved with someone who I would say is primarily a waif.  I agree the subtle manifestation of the disorder makes it much harder to see what is happening when in the middle of it all, as well as detaching once it has all ended.  

I remember on several occasions asking my ex why she seemed determined to sabotage everything that was good in her life.  It really confused me why she would do something so deliberately destructive.  I am less confused now but still struggle with understanding some of the things she did.

The biggest issue for me though wasn't necessarily the hurtful things she did or said, it was the underlying thought process that quite literally scared the crap out of me and I told her as much.  The thought process that led her to that type of behavior caused a great deal of fear and anxiety in me.  She can rationalize and justify in her mind pretty much anything she did regardless of how wrong it was.  She also readily admits she can be vindictive which just made it worse.

When this behavior is pointed out to her she can give the appearance of recognizing it as wrong, and even "apologize" for it, but I don't believe she truly believes it because she has found a way to justify it in her mind.  More importantly though she could not accept, or even acknowledge, how her actions/words impacted me.  This also means she couldn't take the steps necessary to repair the damage she had caused because she never truly accepted responsibility for the action and consequences.

[JerryRG]

I believe my exgf is a waif as well

Great topic and thank you

C. Stein

What you wrote was so applicable to me and my current circumstances. Indeed very scary when one can justify any and all behaviour in their minds. Without rules there is no way to contain ones behaviour.

My exgf used to tell me she always did what she wanted no matter what anyone else thought about it. She's true to her philosophy.

How sad for them

[trainwrecked1]

10)   Be wary of gaslighting. You will be hurt and vulnerable. Don’t allow the blame to be shifted onto you to make you feel as though you are the one with the illness. Be vigilant against this.

WOW YES! He would always say towards the end "you have problems and I can't help you".  I had no earthly what he was talking about.  I didn't think I had anything wrong with me but started looking inward to see if I could identify what he was talking about.  He never had answers for what problem I actually had.

When I would ask him what he needs, the response was always "I shouldn't have to tell you how to love me".  Dude, if you have a need, say it!  LOL!

Now I realize the depth of his projection.  I honestly and truly feel bad for him.  That really has to suck having such conflicting thoughts and feelings and no proper way to control them.

[valet]

I was in the same position. It was horrific, painful, and I'd never wish it on another human being.

Actually just woke up from a pretty horrendous nap that made me feel like I was being attacked by monsters or something. 

But yeah, the suffering continues... .but in a diminished capacity. There are some important things to bare in mind here. Letting go is the thing that takes the longest. In my case, I'm just now (almost 2 years later) coming to terms with the idea that my ex can absolutely not be in my life. That is my solution.

But I'd caution against prolonged anger and blaming of the ex. It keeps us involved on an emotional level that is not healthy. This is where a good T and good friends come in. Don't be afraid to share your experiences. You will have to be comfortable with them if you want relief.

[eprogeny]

I, too, was in love with the "quiet" waif - aka "benign borderline", though nothing about it was benign.  If anything, I'd say it was far more detrimental than anything else I've experienced in my adult life.

My BPDexgf was only recently diagnosed, but she's not entirely "convinced" she actually has it.     I think she's believed this whole time the problems we had were simply because of me - when, truth is, it was because of the combination of my co-dependency and her BPD. 

I've been reading a book called "Facing Co-Dependency" by Pia Mellody, and all I can say is wow.  It seems so clear now, and man it's really sad.  I can only hope I am able to get to a great state of recovery, and I hope she does too - though she'll have to get to a place where she's not in denial before that can happy.  That time may be soon, though, as her other friends have commented upon her behaviors lately so she's having to realize she does have some issues that need to be addressed. 

I can't say whether permanent NC is the best thing for me or not - but I do think little to no contact for now is definitely helping. Each day that goes by I feel less and less compulsion to be in touch with her, and am always amazed at how much it doesn't hurt to be in this mentality. What the future will hold, I cannot say - but I sincerely hope it doesn't hold another BPD relationship for me.

[Hopefulgirl]

Thank you for the gift of your words Mars22. Came on a day I really need to hear them.
Someone close to me is going through a lot of anguish with a waif pwBPD. I may have to copy this down and send it to her.

[Mars22]

Thank you for the gift of your words Mars22. Came on a day I really need to hear them.
Someone close to me is going through a lot of anguish with a waif pwBPD. I may have to copy this down and send it to her.

Well Hopedulgirl,  I really do hope your friend gets through it alright.  The confusion of the very first part is the toughest to get past.  There's sort of a disbelief in that you don't even think anything is happening. But once you start to see the pattern and read more about the symptoms, you then somehow come to terms with their actions.  And when I mean coming to terms, it's just accepting that perhaps it wasn't a match made in heaven after all.  Breaking free of the fantasy I guess you can say ... that's where the true work begins.

Please tell them to go easy on themselves. As, all they were trying to do is be a loving, committed and honest companion.   

Peace.
M22

[Mars22]

Hey Jazzy - if youre still around. Care to share what it is that you are still struggling about each day?

[lostnlonelydee]

Dated a waif for 3 years, lived with her for 2, she left me 6 months ago... .Can honestly say I've never felt more destroyed by anything. Feel like I've recovered, and then she's back in my head with the smallest of triggers. This week I'm back to night sweats and her being the first thing on my mind, wishing I'd wake up to a message from her. My mind has been poisoned by a poisonous human being  Thank you for your posts Mars, I'll try to reread them again and actually hear them. How can I let someone break me like this... .

[TheRiddler]

Dated a waif for 3 years, lived with her for 2, she left me 6 months ago... .Can honestly say I've never felt more destroyed by anything. Feel like I've recovered, and then she's back in my head with the smallest of triggers. This week I'm back to night sweats and her being the first thing on my mind, wishing I'd wake up to a message from her. My mind has been poisoned by a poisonous human being  Thank you for your posts Mars, I'll try to reread them again and actually hear them. How can I let someone break me like this... .

I can't begin to tell you how much I understand.  I was involved with a waif too and it seems whenever they're discussed there's always a high level of confusion on top of everything else.  You're not permanently poisoned, the venom is being removed as we type.  From what I've gathered from the lovely people on these boards, there's a high likelihood you'll be hearing from them again, you've just got to be on top of things enough to not get involved.

[Mars22]

Dated a waif for 3 years, lived with her for 2, she left me 6 months ago... .Can honestly say I've never felt more destroyed by anything. Feel like I've recovered, and then she's back in my head with the smallest of triggers. This week I'm back to night sweats and her being the first thing on my mind, wishing I'd wake up to a message from her. My mind has been poisoned by a poisonous human being  Thank you for your posts Mars, I'll try to reread them again and actually hear them. How can I let someone break me like this... .

lostnlonelydee - I'm right there with you brother. After the final discard 6 months ago, i would dream about her and in my dreams i would be crying and then I'd wake up and would think it was just a bad dream but — I'd wake up crying! It was horribe. I had the sweats too. Lost about 10 lbs. My entire psyche was crushed. I've never woke from a sleep crying ever in my life.

My waif acted out only rarely until the final days, the walls came down; she gave me a true glimpse that something was wrong from time to time but to me, I thought she was just being an 'emotional girl'. Mostly I'd be accused of cheating or staring at other women [when i really was not, it was so crazy] But most of the time you'd think everything was fine then - Bam! ... she's upset, or down on herself; insecure, problems at home, work, her crazy mom, her health. I often felt like I was taken on more of a parental role rather than an equal compatible lover. And that is what is so intoxicating. They make us feel like they need us so badly and can't exist w/o us. We get empowered by being the strong, reliable, all-knowing partner. Sadly, its all trickery. Or so it seems. The sad truth is, is that — they don't see it that way. They can't regulate their moods and emotions so they just — run away when it becomes too much for them to handle.

Funny you speak of poison. I have describe many times to people that the way I felt was like somebody poisoned me or - put an evil spell on me that my body is day after day trying to fight to break free of! And its a full body effect. We are just tore up emotionally. I found being strong physically is what helped me the most. I'm in the best shape of my life. So, remain motivated. If you need to check out, and be contemplative and observe, that's alright but - stay in good physical health... .it really helped me.

I read on here once somebody wrote  "... I can't wait for the day I don't think about them both first thing when i wake up, and last thing when i go to bed... ."  Well, I'm here to tell you it does happen. You'll get there. Just be easy on yourself and stop second guessing every aspect the r/s.(the bargaining phase ... it's called) You did nothing wrong! You'll see in time.

So stay strong. Okay? There is much work to be done now. 3 years is a long time to intertwined with a waif. You let somebody break you like that because you gave 100% of your heart and soul with the belief that you were giving it to somebody who you thought had the capacity to give it back to you. How were you to know otherwise?    Lesson learned... right?

[Jazzy]

Mars,

In reply to your question... .

I struggle with the fact that I never saw the discard coming, that I believed and trusted my bf completely, that even in my wildest dreams I could not have imagined  he was cheating on me.I struggle with the fact that  I was trashed  in a split second , that someone who was discussing marriage  and long term plans with me one moment wanted nothing to do with me  the next . I struggle with the fact that someone who pledged undying love to me for 6 years suddenly hated me for no fault of mine. I struggle with the fact that my best friend turned out to be my worst enemy, that someone who swore to protect me all his life destroyed me so completely. I struggle with the fact that I ignored all the red flags and thought we were meant to be together forever. I struggle with fact that while my bf and my replacement seem to be very happy with each other, he does not even understand the devastation  he has put me through. I struggle with the fact that he did not show any remorse  for the hurt and pain he  caused me   and that I will never get an apology from him.I struggle with fact that I am close to 50 and may never find love again.

Most of all Mars I struggle with the fact that in spite of all the anguish and trauma my ex has caused me ,I still love him and my stupid heart still hopes he will come back to me some day.
 

[lostnlonelydee]

Thanks guys, I guess its nice to know I'm not alone in the experience, but at the same time who could ever want someone else to go through something like this.

From what I've gathered from the lovely people on these boards, there's a high likelihood you'll be hearing from them again, you've just got to be on top of things enough to not get involved.

I get the sense that I won't ever hear from mine again after ignoring her message trying to explain herself a couple months after the split. In my mind, if she ever came back, it would be an opportunity to call her on her bs and reject her like she did me. I'm not unaware that that is a juvenile thing to do/say. I guess I'm still really angry deep down, yet still love this pretend person, who wasn't real. The realisation that she faked her way through the relationship hurts most. Losing my father slowly over a year drained me heavily, and whatever was left I gave to her to try and make her happy and feel okay about who she was.

I thought she was just being an 'emotional girl'. Mostly I'd be accused of cheating or staring at other women [when i really was not, it was so crazy] But most of the time you'd think everything was fine then - Bam! ... she's upset, or down on herself; insecure, problems at home, work, her crazy mom, her health. I often felt like I was taken on more of a parental role rather than an equal compatible lover. And that is what is so intoxicating. They make us feel like they need us so badly and can't exist w/o us.

Strongly identify with all of these points. Although I must admit to looking at other women, I eventually trained myself to not look, to try and keep her happy. I'd never cheat on a partner, was never looking for a replacement for her, I'm just a bit of a shut in who likes beautiful women. I cut off a friendship with an ex gf because I felt like I had to be 100% committed (best to avoid her extreme jealousy), all the while she was trying to make sure she had as many options available to her as she could. She put me in the parental role fairly early on, and then did her best to rebel or fight any suggestion I might have. She wanted me to be her 'daddy', while in actual fact I had to be her mommy more than anything.

I listened to countless stories of her mother's abuse before we moved in together, she made me hate her mom for what she did to her, but whenever I got angry or irritated by something her mother did, she'd get the hell in with me. Constant complaints of stomach ache, which even then (before I suspected BPD) I tried to help her realise that there wasn't something wrong physically, that this was coming from emotional/mental place. Really wish I did some research back then, but I guess I was a tad distracted.

I'll never forget a couple of months before the end... .The two of us sitting on the couch together, getting on and having a good day, her tapping on her phone, that gut feeling rises and I ask who she's talking to... .After 10 minutes of arguing she gives in and shows me the conversation of her flirting with some gym guy. Talking about it being a perfect day for skinny dipping on an island. She acts like she can't understand what she did wrong, and then comes to some realisation after reading it again. I broke down, and she went and deleted her fb account shortly there after. She said "can I keep my instagram?", and my response was something like "I don't know, can you?". The very next day she's liking pictures of the same guy. Shaking my head typing this... .

Funny you speak of poison. I have describe many times to people that the way I felt was like somebody poisoned me or - put an evil spell on me that my body is day after day trying to fight to break free of! And its a full body effect. We are just tore up emotionally. I found being strong physically is what helped me the most. I'm in the best shape of my life. So, remain motivated. If you need to check out, and be contemplative and observe, that's alright but - stay in good physical health... .it really helped me.

She told me over text once she'd checked out completely and I was begging her to come back, "I'm poison. We're poison together", and then proceeded to list all of the things I'd done wrong, and how she couldn't be with me for the sake of her mental health. I wasn't perfect, and through this process of trying to get better, I've realised I have counter dependence issues, which morphed into co dependence towards the end, but I wasn't the person she was making me out to be.

Honestly I can say I'm also in the best shape of my life now, that's the one benefit for a guy of having a girl tap dance on your heart I guess, lots of motivation to pick up heavy things. Started going to pilates to supplement the weight training, and possibly meet someone. Not any closer to meeting someone, but I'm hitting the golf ball a hell of a lot further than 6 months ago... .Yay me :/

I read on here once somebody wrote  "... I can't wait for the day I don't think about them both first thing when i wake up, and last thing when i go to bed... ."  Well, I'm here to tell you it does happen. You'll get there. Just be easy on yourself and stop second guessing every aspect the r/s.(the bargaining phase ... it's called) You did nothing wrong! You'll see in time.

So stay strong. Okay? There is much work to be done now. 3 years is a long time to intertwined with a waif. You let somebody break you like that because you gave 100% of your heart and soul with the belief that you were giving it to somebody who you thought had the capacity to give it back to you. How were you to know otherwise?    Lesson learned... right?

Thanks man. I guess I'm frustrated because I felt like I had achieved that state. She wasn't on my mind constantly or much at all, and I've started to enjoy things again. But I seem to continually relapse, and its exhausting going through it repeatedly. I guess that is a sign that there is work to be done.

That makes sense, I never doubted her capacity for giving it back because I was properly deceived. On the plus side, I know what to look for now, and I know I need a relationship with a healthy person. Just wish it was easier to meet people. I'm obviously not healed, but I miss having a best friend and partner, someone to talk to and hold and love.

Sorry if I've waffled on a bit here... .My therapist was supposed to call me today, but since that doesn't seem to be happening I'm sharing with you all instead  Feeling better after letting some of this out again.

[Mars22]

Hey Jazzy - I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling with so many facets of your experience with dating somebody who was so dishonest with you for all that time.

However, you mention how you really were shocked by the whole fallout and eventual discard and how it was 'out of the blue' but, yet you said you saw red flags? So, perhaps you may have had some idea that things weren't exactly what they seemed?

What red flags did you see Jazzy?

Regardless of our ages, We will love again Jazzy. But much much fuller the next time.

[Mars22]

lostnlonelydee - Thanks for sharing your thoughts. So uncanny that my ex had always complained of stomach pains too. I'v read on these forums that they find all different ways to garner sympathy, get attention and in some cases they fake complete diagnoses like having cancer.

Sounds like you're on the right track, seeing the differences between normal and abnormal personality traits.

Keep up the good work and stay the course.

cheers.

[Jazzy]

Mars,

My ex bf did go on holidays with his ex gf whilst we were together. He insisted it was all platonic , that they were simply "good friends now", but looking back ,  I have serious doubts. It did hurt and upset  me at that time but he insisted I could" not love him if I did not trust him ", so I ignored the red flag even though it was waving wildly  in my face.

 Similarly although he claimed to have been separated from his wife when I met him and "getting divorced soon" , he did go back to visit her on many occasions. Again he insisted it was to sort out property issues pending the divorce. In all the 6 years that I stayed with him, the divorce did not materialize  and he even went on a number of vacations with her. I now realize that they were not as separated as he claimed to be, that the whole divorce story was just fabricated.

 The sad thing is that at the back of my mind, I   always   knew   that   he kept information from me and was not always truthful .Yet I so  WANTED to trust him, that  whenever a doubt crept into my mind I just brushed it away. My head knew something was wrong all along, but my heart never wanted to believe that.  I feel so stupid now Mars  .I did not follow my gut then  and am now paying the price for it.

[C.Stein]

The sad thing is that at the back of my mind, I   always   knew   that   he kept information from me and was not always truthful .Yet I so  WANTED to trust him, that  whenever a doubt crept into my mind I just brushed it away. My head knew something was wrong all along, but my heart never wanted to believe that.  I feel so stupid now Mars  .I did not follow my gut then  and am now paying the price for it.

Yes, I completely understand this as it is pretty much the same thing I went through.  There were times in my relationship where I had a gut feeling my ex was not being completely honest with me and/or keeping things from me.  Each time it happened I would feel a great deal of anxiety and fear but I always ended up convincing myself my gut instincts was just paranoia and that I was "seeing" things that weren't there.  

Well, as it turns out my ex is a pro at telling half-truths and deception and she doesn't think it is wrong to do that which just made her all the more convincing.  When I discovered this it blew apart my entire world because I had spent so much time and energy convincing myself that my gut was wrong all those times.  Every gut instinct I had dismissed in the past was called into question and it completely undermined my sense of reality.  

Now, in detaching, I am still dealing with the after effects of this.  I was so good at convincing myself she wouldn't do the things she did that I am having an exceptionally difficult time accepting she did.  

[JerryRG]

I can relate to this as well, I knew my exgf was a liar, yet I tried to look past the lies and convince myself it would all still work out in the end.

I showed her bf the texts she sent me that said he was abusing her, there were a lot of awful things said about her bf. He wouldn't even finish reading the text, he just handed my phone back to me. Looked sad and puzzled and confused.

I wonder if someone would have set hard evidence in front of me, if I would have listened. Truly amazing what we will do to overlook the wrongs of those we love.

Betrayal is still betrayal, can any relationship last without trust?

[Hopefulgirl]

Mars,

In reply to your question... .

I struggle with the fact that I never saw the discard coming, that I believed and trusted my bf completely, that even in my wildest dreams I could not have imagined  he was cheating on me.I struggle with the fact that  I was trashed  in a split second , that someone who was discussing marriage  and long term plans with me one moment wanted nothing to do with me  the next . I struggle with the fact that someone who pledged undying love to me for 6 years suddenly hated me for no fault of mine. I struggle with the fact that my best friend turned out to be my worst enemy, that someone who swore to protect me all his life destroyed me so completely. I struggle with the fact that I ignored all the red flags and thought we were meant to be together forever. I struggle with fact that while my bf and my replacement seem to be very happy with each other, he does not even understand the devastation  he has put me through. I struggle with the fact that he did not show any remorse  for the hurt and pain he  caused me   and that I will never get an apology from him.I struggle with fact that I am close to 50 and may never find love again.

Most of all Mars I struggle with the fact that in spite of all the anguish and trauma my ex has caused me ,I still love him and my stupid heart still hopes he will come back to me some day.
 

This----this is me for every sentence 

[Hopefulgirl]

 The sad thing is that at the back of my mind, I   always   knew   that   he kept information from me and was not always truthful .Yet I so  WANTED to trust him, that  whenever a doubt crept into my mind I just brushed it away. My head knew something was wrong all along, but my heart never wanted to believe that.  I feel so stupid now Mars  .I did not follow my gut then  and am now paying the price for it.

The half-truths that you play in your head, wanting to believe blatant lies told to your face.  I wish I could go back in time. Im embarrassed I could have loved and thought the best of him.

[Rickybee]

Great thread guys, I can relate to all the posts... my ex too was a borderlinewaif, 1.5 years since discard/relacement, she contacted recently... I ignored and blocked again... some days i still struggle with disbelief at how these people with BPD do what they do, it really is the definition of evil, my ex dont want me she just wanted to reel me in again to hurt me and gaslight/triangulate (make her current bf jealous) and also tell her family and friends that me her ex is actually messaging her not the other way round, she will make out i cant let go and im harrassing her... whilst sweet talking messing with my head, but no... i ignored her attempt at being friends and im remaining NC... she ruined my life and enjoyed making me suffer epically... very dangerous women... i was also completely unaware of BPD during the relationship and thought she was bipolar and clinically depressed with episodes of mania and evil, she talked of kids and our future in the days leading up to the discard, all seemed perfect... the whole time she was cheating on me having affair... i dread to think how many before that... diabolical human being, yet strangely part of me still loves the person i thought she was... I get tempted to reply to her but i can't risk how that will make me feel, i have to except she only wants to destroy me and bring me more pain because im letting go and moving on in this world alone, i had to except what she did to me, she did that much damage and caused that much harm to my soul, body and mind viciously and sadistically that she has made it so that i could never be on talking terms with her, i knew this at the time... it was all so so shocking... the trauma was too much to bare at the time, it gets easier tho... it really is time and education on these disorders that help us to try move on from the experience a much wiser stronger person, some days i still feel crushed and in doubt about my future but its something i have to face... still amazed that she suddenly sent a message wishing me well and sent me a friend request... freinds? jeeez its almost laughable... never got a sorry after all the abuse lying and cruelty, i was just a big sucker nice guy who tried to help and love her and stick by her and her issues, 4 years... .when that mask slipped completely at the end she acted literally like a stranger... .not even a stranger, like somebody who hated me and never wanted to see me again, from loving me/hugging me and talking bout wanting kids with me soon to two days later in a relationship with my replacement, i had just finished renovating our flat ( which i left with her after i found out about her cheating and replacing me with her work friend, he move in with her a few weeks later but was in there sleeping with her the day after i left) , all was well i thought, i was making her dinner every night leading up to the fatal night... ill always be gob smacked at how it all went down... that woman there was the best actress in the entire world, stone cold bare faced liar pretending to be an angel but really wants to destroy kind innocent people due to her deep hatred for people, the world, and herself... sorry folks, went off on one there... .all the best, try stay positive, keep going, keep reading about the disorder/s as understanding more helps to let go, it does get better

[JerryRG]

Hey Rickybee

Thanks for expressing so clearly your relationship with your BPD ex waif. Wow, and people wonder why we have issues with trust, confidence, detachment, self esteem, resentment, confusion and cptsd.

We all need badges or medals signifiing our bravery in the face of a war for our very souls.

When I was a child, all I seen was pain and suffering and confusion and blame all around me, I didn't understand because I was a small child. My choice? Since all I knew was darkness, I was never exposed to light, (God). I assumed the only force that truly existed was evil.

I knew that in order for me to survive I had to become more powerful than the evil that surrounded me. I did not understand how I would achieve this so I put on a false self. Protection from the evil.

I literally believed I faced the devil himself one night, and won. I was 4 or younger. I remember at that time that I was all alone in this war, if I were to live and protect my family or save them, I had to face the devil alone.

I woke up at night, I slept on the end of my mother's bed, we had no room for a bed for me and my sister needed my mother more than I did. The bed wasn't big enough for me so my feet hung over the edge.

I would look down the hallway and I could see an eye watching me from our kitchen. Then another night the glowing eye transformed into a huge black beast, like a wolf. Eventually it wandered closer and closer each night until it knew I was alone, I tried to wake my mother but she would just push me away with her feet.

Each night the beast would wander our hallway getting closer each night. One night I knew it was going to attack.

That night I layed awake waiting, as the beast appeared once again. This time it had a determined confidence that told me I was going to be destroyed this night.

It ran down the hallway and jumped upon me, I felt the weight of the beast as I pulled my blanket up over my head to protect myself.

In a burst of pure rage I fought back with every ounce of strength I had and threw the beast up against the bedroom wall. I heard a loud crash in the darkness as the beast hit the wall and fell to the ground.

I layed there thinking I had won, I was transformed from that point into a super human. Nothing or no one could ever hurt me again.

I faced the beast and I won.

I faced many beasts and I'm still alive

My exgf was the closest thing to a beast that I've encountered since that day as a child.

My mother = depressed narcissist, dad = abusive alcoholic, oldest brother = quiet hermit, second brother = golden child narcissist, sister = caretaker, me = scapegoat.

Family of origin issues? Oh yes.

I'm tired of facing demons, never was my job.

Why else would I choose to be in a relationship with a BPD? Because I stilled believed I could face her evil and win.

[Jazzy]

Rickybee,

Can relate to every word you have said and totally agree that my ex too " ruined my life and enjoyed making me suffer."Kudos to you for maintaining NC and staying positive. You give me a lot of hope.

[earlgrey]

@JerryRG don't want to threadjack but I can relate to content of your post.

I had vivid childhood nightmares that your beast brought back to me - mine were bears.

Perhaps we should start a new thread?

[JerryRG]

Thank you earlgrey

That may be productive and I apologize to the op for hijacking this thread.

[earlgrey]

@JerryRG and anyone else... .childhood stuff

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=299746.0