She dysregulated over a bump in the road

[Theo41]

All weekend long we worked cooperatively getting ready for our Oscar party. Company coming over stresses her out and usually brings on at least one tantrum . Everything went well until two things transpired: 1. She drank too much wine and experience the "personality change"   2. I forgot two things for the dinner table: bread and meat in the soup. Both situations were eaily corrected. But she was so undone with me she couldn't contain it. Her voice is loud and carries so I could tell guests were uncomfortable. This behavior used to wreck my day+ . But I've been through it enough and have a new perspective on it due to this site. It was painful but I kept my feelings in check.  After the company left and while washing dishes she said " I'm holding my tongue and not saying anymore about what happened." I said "me too." She dropped what she was doing and confronted me as though I slapped her inappropriately. I lost it and unloaded on her: 1. This happens all the time2. You're  drunk. 3. You have an anger problem and alcohol really exacerbates that. 4. Our guests were uncomfortable. 5. You embarrassed yourself.  She responded with denial and it went downhill from there. Two hours later we were talking divorce ( when things like this happen I'm like "bring it on." Finally I went to bed as she was telling me she'd be gone in the morning.

At 6 o'clock in the morning she got in the bed with me,we hugged, she had a good cry but no apology. This has become a recently learned ( last two years ) way of transitioning from a fight . We had a very good day today ( I take em as I can get em.) She curtailed her drinking substantially after a similar episode in early Jan. when I told her "I don't want to travel with you any more and I don't want to be around you when you are drinking. " Hopefully this added shock will cause her to curb or eliminate drinking in social situations with me and also get control of her anger:) I'm hoping for the best since we have several weddings to go to (3 trips over the next 5 mos.) but realistically not expecting any sustained change. Next step will be to leave the party next time, if it's not at our house. My one regret was that I was unable to muster any validation for her. Any observations/ suggestions would be appreciated. Theo

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[hergestridge]

One step that would motivate me to stay with me BPDw would be if she would give up alcohol altogether. She's not an alcoholic by any means, but she drinks for the wrong reasons and I'm just nervous when she drinks. I'm sure she would agree do this, then regret her decision later and break her promise. I know her that well.

Actually, reading your topic I thought your wife dysregulated over an actual bump in the road. Mine does. The road leading up to our house is very rough and it's becoming an obsession for her. She won't have guests over because she's afraid they will mock her for the bumps in the road. 

[waverider]

You venting like that in a perverse kind of a way is a means of her projecting anger via you. Hence it was ultimately a relief for her. It is what she was subconsciously provoking. You know it never really was about the original issue. It was unassigned stress that needed an outlet to hang it on

Not sure if it is a good idea to "let the truth be known" whilst you were still in a triggered mode. Not sure if she would have taken any of it in as all she was feeling was the anger. To her, angers out, angers over. It's behind her, closed and forgotten. Responsibility washed away with that closure. You were angry so it was your fault too (in her mind). In fact she may even think she is being the adult by forgiving you for your anger.

Next time she is in that mode she will trigger you so you share the anger, and take it from her along with ownership.

Though I've been there, done that, and still occasionally do.

[Theo41]

Waverider, you're analysis rings true. It's like the tension and stress of giving a successful party builds up in her. I become the lightening rod. The fight allows the energy to discharge bringing relief but creates another cosequense. Making up takes care of that and relieves the unbearable separation anxiety. The aftermath (after making up) feels very much like sunshine after a horrible frightening storm. Any guidance on a more constructive way to handle it?

Theo


Hergestridge, My wife has actually dysregulates over bumps in the road too. This happens to one degree or another everytime I go over a severe speed bump or drop into a pot hole. She says: " !$@?xxx, you almost snapped my neck. You did that on purpose. I want to go home . You ruined my day. My therapist says " it takes her longer to get over things than it does you." This information has helped a lot. Now instead of rushing her, I give her the space to get a grip/get over it. These are times when I need to be quiet and patient. Theo

[waverider]

Ideally what I attempt to do is put some distance between the event and any issues i may have over it to avoid triggering any residual anger that may be simmering in either of us.

This time often helps me get a clearer picture of what the real issue was, which usually comes down to attitude. I try to refrain from listing points of contention. Listing off points is very provoking to anyone let alone a pwBPD. Sometimes if you word it in the form of questions eg ":)o you think you had a bit too much to drink and that made you feel stressed and aggressive?". Of course you will still get denial, but it may not be as reactionary and she may even let out some of the underlying reasons why she was this way.

At the end of the day you will probably have to get used to the fact that if she embarrassed herself that is her problem not yours. If at all it does embarrass her. You are only accountable for you. Your wife's actions do not reflect on you. You do not need to feel embarrassed for her.

Some of these issues are still stemming from you walking on eggshells around others not wanting them to see things for what they are.

[joshbjoshb]

Here is my take, and take it from someone who keeps on failing to do what he suggests

She was angry, you were angry. She lost her temper and so did you. Now why don't you apologize to her? I know. It's because you feel you are RIGHT. Guess what, she does to.

However, if you kept your cool and didn't let yourself rage like this, you can set a boundary. Assuming she yelled at you in front of everyone, you say in a very calm voice "I was very upset for you yelling at me, and I expect you to apologize."

Now is her turn. So she rages on and on, but you keep cool, don't let her drag you into a conversation about 101 other things in which she is accusing you. You just keep to the point, and if things escalate you take a break and say "I need to take a break from our conversation now" and really do it.

Results? You expressed your point in a calm manner, you were not disrespectful, she raged, she knows you are not rude, yet you have your boundaries.

In your story, you lost, she lost. In the alternative option, you win, she wins (because she needs you to set that boundary for her!) and your family wins.

[waverider]

However, if you kept your cool and didn't let yourself rage like this, you can set a boundary. Assuming she yelled at you in front of everyone, you say in a very calm voice "I was very upset for you yelling at me, and I expect you to apologize."

This may be more effective if you say what you will do if she yells at you rather demanding that she does something. That is what boundaries are about, your actions in response, not theirs, as you can't make them do anything. In this case "I was very upset with you yelling at me, I wont stick around if you continue to do that"

Probably wont change things until you have to put the response into action.

[Theo41]

Thanks guys. Ur comments are very helpful.

Waverider, the reason I don't allow time for objectivity and calmness is that when things have calmed down I need to enjoy that ,and I do. She is a  good companion when sees not drinking or dysregulated. I walk on eggshells to preserve that. Bringing these issues up  has the high probability of causing another eruption and abuse Dance in which I become the heavy. I have not been able to bring myself at that point to do it. I seem to need to wait for everything to erupt, before I can bring myself to do it. I'm usually worn down at that point and just don't want another fight . Theo

[waverider]

Thanks guys. Ur comments are very helpful.

Waverider, the reason I don't allow time for objectivity and calmness is that when things have calmed down I need to enjoy that ,and I do. She is a  good companion when sees not drinking or dysregulated. I walk on eggshells to preserve that. Bringing these issues up  has the high probability of causing another eruption and abuse Dance in which I become the heavy. I have not been able to bring myself at that point to do it. I seem to need to wait for everything to erupt, before I can bring myself to do it. I'm usually worn down at that point and just don't want another fight . Theo

Totally understandable, but ultimately it just reinforces that they have "gotten away with it". I have gotten better at this. It also means I am more selective as to what issues are worth bringing up. It also makes it easier to raise common theme issues and can avoid arguing about specific instances and more about attitude as a whole.

In this example the discussion can head along the lines of alcohol seems to increase stress and agitated behavior in general, rather than specifics of that particular occasion.