She could be at the same party as me tonight -- do not want to go

[heartandmind]

Hi everyone!

My ex-girlfriend wBPD is probably going to be at the same party as me tonight. We haven't seen each other in six months. I do not want to go.

To recap, we had the most incredible relationship and kept in touch after our breakup until she fled without a trace one day out of the blue when I asked her to come back too soon. I wasn't really listening to her, I will admit that, but she was going through a lot at the time and I wanted to make sure that she was okay.

Anyway, we have spoken three times since and all contact has been incredible. She even offered to see me a few times (then ran away afterwards), but I do truly feel that one day we will be back together. I'm just not sure if I should fly in her face by seeing her tonight. It doesn't seem that when I do that (I used to text her multiple times in a row with no response, etc. before we cleared the air) it does any good, possibly even more harm.

We haven't spoken in three months now, but I have seen her friends since and they all have been as kind as could be to me.

I've spoken to my non friends about this and their take is "go see her – what if she sees you and realizes she can do this and her anxiety isn't nearly as bad as she thinks it's going to be" etc. Basically a lot of "what ifs" that *could* change the situation around.

But I'm coming at this from a BPD standpoint knowing that if she's not ready to see me and does, it could be a major setback, jarring, maybe even threatening to her. We're in a really good place right now and being very mature by staying away from each other (she simply wasn't ready for anything resembling a commitment) and don't want to muddy the waters by doing this.
She knows that at any given moment she can text me to talk and clear things up and I will be here for her always.

Of course there is a tiny part of me too (naturally) that's like – what if I DO go and she does see me and we talk and smooth things over and I pop back into her head and we start seeing each other after like normal – but I won't let that part of me win. There's too much at stake and it could also go the opposite way by being awkward and strange.

Clearly she just isn't ready to talk to me or see me since that hasn't been done yet (or she's simply too anxious to, she also hasn't dated anyone else and been committed in it since our breakup), so why rock the boat by forcing it on her?

I do want to try to salvage whatever could be left of this relationship for the future, so I want to play this correctly.

From a BPD standpoint, any thoughts?

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[drained1996]

Hi Illusionu,



I'm going to jump right in with this:

From a BPD standpoint, any thoughts?

Firstly, if you try to figure out the standpoint of a BPD you will drive yourself crazy... .as their feelings are temporary and change faster than the weather.  I'm guessing you've gotten that in your reading here as you have been looking around.  

My best advice is to be YOU.  Being comfortable with who you are and how you are tends to be noticed by others.
  I note your subject line says do not want to go.  Why is that?  Because YOU feel uncomfortable?  Or because you feel she MAY feel uncomfortable?  No answer is wrong just trying to get you to look into what YOU are feeling.  
One thing many here have learned is that we cannot change our person with BPD (pwBPD) but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  To the right of this page you will see some tools and lessons that can help guide you down a path that can help improve your situation if you do indeed get that opportunity or even just find yourself around her (party).  Combining a clear understanding of the illness and its nuances with using these tools and lessons can help in navigating difficult situations.  

Noting you haven't spoken in a while... .have you thought of how you may feel if she does not want to renew the relationship in the future?  

Keep sharing, you've found the right place for knowledge, understanding and sharing!  We are here!  

[heartandmind]

Hi Illusionu,



I'm going to jump right in with this:

Firstly, if you try to figure out the standpoint of a BPD you will drive yourself crazy... .as their feelings are temporary and change faster than the weather.  I'm guessing you've gotten that in your reading here as you have been looking around. 

My best advice is to be YOU.  Being comfortable with who you are and how you are tends to be noticed by others.
  I note your subject line says do not want to go.  Why is that?  Because YOU feel uncomfortable?  Or because you feel she MAY feel uncomfortable?  No answer is wrong just trying to get you to look into what YOU are feeling. 
One thing many here have learned is that we cannot change our person with BPD (pwBPD) but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  To the right of this page you will see some tools and lessons that can help guide you down a path that can help improve your situation if you do indeed get that opportunity or even just find yourself around her (party).  Combining a clear understanding of the illness and its nuances with using these tools and lessons can help in navigating difficult situations. 

Noting you haven't spoken in a while... .have you thought of how you may feel if she does not want to renew the relationship in the future? 

Keep sharing, you've found the right place for knowledge, understanding and sharing!  We are here!   

Regarding your first statement, ditto! I got over trying to understand her actions months and months ago (thankfully!)

To answer your middle question, I do want to get back with her in the future as the failure of our relationship laid completely in its timing, admitted by both of us. Therefore, I would not want to see her tonight if it would make her feel uncomfortable and/or anxious and push us back even further. We are at a very good, calm, quiet place right now and she is well aware that she can return whenever to speak things out. There are very intense feelings that surround us and I do not want her to be overwhelmed only to run away further. I also have other plans tonight so going to this particular event was not all too important to me, which is why the status of me going/not going was more dependent on her.

To answer your last question, at this point, I would not be okay with that. I truly, truly do believe in my heart that I will hear from her again (I cannot go into all of the reasons, but our breakup was solely due to immaturity and timing) so it's not something that I consider. I have moved on in the interim and seen other people, but I would not ever give up on the idea of her completely, regardless of how long we haven't spoken. Time isn't linear and I don't seem to believe in it too much anyway. My life has always proven otherwise at least, for better or for worse 

Thank you for the welcome