She doesn't know whether wants her to stay here or move home

[Pedro]

Thanks heartandwhole,

Hope your are okay also?  
I wanted to have one last day out together either yesterday or today that we could do with fun joy & happiness as she goes home week on Wednesday. So it could have been the zoo, cinema, show, the beach/coast etc. Just wanted her to see experience one last time before her home TX vacation, what a good caring attractive fun loving person & see that as I know things will have profoundly changed once she comes back from that vacation.
Just things will be different them having met Wonderful in the real  I know her mind set will be different, & mind made up not in a saving the relationship for us way that I had hoped for.
I was the eternal optimist in this lifetime commitment I was making to this woman, & with insight of BPD family hoping to reconcile but hey ho tht's life isn't it?
Thanks again.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[heartandwhole]

I am doing very well, Pedro. Thank you for asking.

I fully understand your preparing for her to come back flush with new plans with a new guy. It may happen, and I know it hurts to think about.

On the other hand, I have my own experience to tell me that the long game may not be over at all. It's a very tricky situation to be in, as you want to make your own plans going by what she is, and will be, telling you. Takes a lot of strength.

What plans do you have for you while she is in TX? Have you thought about it?

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

In terms of the house I have some decorating to do combined with minor other DIY work on it.

I will be taking legal advice through my employer's union that I a am a member of (it is discounted for staff members). I will speak to my mortgage lender after the legal advice to consider options, re mortgage, sell the house, there is a possibility if I sell the home I may never be able to buy a property again, so for the remainder of my life I may live in rented property which is a scenario I never envisaged. By the way that is not a reason why I'm trying to salvage the relationship, I love my ex partner sincerely. But that is a possible nightmare scenario. I may have to consider moving & working abroad/overseas to recoup losses which I may consider.

I've got my official race going on 2nd week July which ex gf said she wanted not to go to TX for & support me for my race. My brother his wife & children are visiting from the middle east whilst she's in TX. My partner was never comfortable with visitors to the house due to her condition, very insecure & not good at socializing with my family (it wasn't personal she just isn't capable of doing this). Until I understood her condition better we had numerous rows over this which I accept now, but didn't in the relationship, because my brothers, sister, mum, nieces & nephews love her to bit when they have seen her elsewhere.

Thanks heartandwhole

[Pedro]

Hi all.  Given most of you a break from my usual ramblings last 4-5 days. Here's an update.

Ex gf with BPD has decided she doesn't want to go to the gym for the foreseeable future. For 12 months up to January 2107 she had being going 3 x weekly incorporating a personal trainer into getting fit, doing jogging/running where we live. It saw her lose 3 stone in weight over a year, her self esteem improved, healthier eating she looked great.

Had foot surgery in January this year, couldn't fully weight bear or train for 3 months, we separated at her demand, she put 1 stone in weight on. 

So yesterday morning she tells me she isn't going to the gym for the time being. I ask why? She tells me she wants to concentrate on running instead. I acknowledge what she says. I ask "Is it because we have separated & I have affected your motivation/mind set because I reached out to an ex"?  She says "no", but I know that I have.  I explain that I feel guilty that I have contributed to her "falling off the wagon", losing her mental motivation, good healthy mind set that she had developed.

She says "no I just want concentrate on running for now".  I acknowledge what she says.  She now asks "can I go running with you when you run at weekends"? I say "that's fine".

Her Mum particularly commented on her daughter's weight loss, appearance & good well being last September when we were on vacation at her parent's house last year.  I am going to feel like crap when she sees them next week when she goes home. She doesn't look as slim, happy, healthy as she did last year, & it's mostly my fault.  I will be so ashamed of my email behaviour when she explains to her Mum what I did reaching out to an ex because I couldn't cope with her BPD.  They will hate me having once held me in very high regard.  I am dreading it.

I told my ex gf BPD that things will be profoundly different here between us when she returns from TX vacation.  I explain that "you will tell your family what happened with us, you will have cemented your relationship in the real with your boyfriend confirming how you feel about him, & you will know that God is guiding you home to be nearer your parents as you're worried about them".  I say that "your mind set will have changed, we are moving on, we haven't reconciled, I need to sell the house, & things will be different between us as I can't be this supportive friend that you perceive me to be". She asks "In what way will things be different"? I repeated again what I've just wrote.  I said I will be polite, civil, courteous, mature, & professional about things until we move on with our lives separately until then.

I hope Skip is happy about what I have said here?

She said last weekend which I may/may have not written already that she wants to arrange/book us both to do official races when she returns from TX. I said "ask me nearer the time & I'll see how I feel, (not playing mind games with her, I need to know how I'll feel about things August onwards).

As this is her last weekend before her vacation, I ask her can we have 1 last  final day out somewhere where we can incorporate going to the coast with going to the zoo in the same area & perhaps have a meal also? She agreed. I probably won't be able to do things like this when she returns back to the UK.

[heartandwhole]

As this is her last weekend before her vacation, I ask her can we have 1 last  final day out somewhere where we can incorporate going to the coast with going to the zoo in the same area & perhaps have a meal also? She agreed. I probably won't be able to do things like this when she returns back to the UK.

Let us know how this goes, Pedro. 

You've made quite a few predictions in this post, and I think I understand why. I'm sure I'd be going the same thing. It's very difficult to feel one's future "on hold" until someone else decides what it will be. In my view, you are doing the right thing making plans to move forward with your life, even if things don't go the way you are assuming they will.

I can understand wanting to tell her how things will be different when she gets back. I might hold off on telling her how she will feel, though. I think sharing your plans in a friendly way is enough to let her know that you are looking out for yourself and your future, even though you care for her very much.

You have really been handling this situation with a lot of good will and caring, Pedro. That is very admirable. 

heartandwhole

[Pedro]

Good evening heartandwhole,

I have to predict the things that I don't want to happen, and have to plan for them anyway.  She didn't like some of things I have said, but hopefully the reality of what is slowly unfurling is starting to hit home. Unfortunately for me it won't have the desired effect. It is real life painful heart breaking reality.

I was walking my Mum's dog this evening & reflecting on the last few months, & I still have this physical pain to my body & the loss I am still feeling of grieving for a deceased person who is still alive. It is absolutely bizarre.

It was my birthday today & my ex wanted to take me out for a meal or have a home delivery of a well known USA pizza but I politely refused. She was upset & asked me 3 times to stay for pizza. I've been staying at my Mum's house for the last 3 days as she is in Eire with my youngest brother visiting her daughter & attending a wedding.  So I am house sitting and pet minding for 5 days at the mo. I have booked holiday leave from my job to be here whilst renovation work is done on my Mum's house, plus it does me good to be away from our home.

I know refusing a meal or pizza smacks of hypocrisy given I want to have a meal out together this weekend as one last time before TX vacation, but today was my day, I wasn't cutting my nose off to spite my face. It was too painful to be with her (though I so wanted to). But I am getting stronger, still having bad days.

Her parent's, brother & niece's sent me a lovely message on FB today for my BDay, & I responded in kind with heavy heart felt thank you with another subliminal goodbye to her family.
Thanks heartandwhole.

[Pedro]

Yes heartandwhole,

I do care a lot for ex, I love her more than anyone else I have loved & it's hard to switch off those feelings for someone who I also thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

It's also difficult breaking that caretaking, care giving support role that  I was slowly encapsulated into with her BPD.  Living together but not as a couple is challenging me more so to break those habits.

This week she offered to come over to my parent's house to feed & walk the pets so I wouldn't to take time off work. She's so good in other ways or she trying to see how I'll react push/pull? I again politely refuse.

[Pedro]

My ex wants us to stay friends when we finalise the house selling splitting up moving on etc. She tells me this whilst we're out now. I say this isn't possible because of how I feel about her I can't do that. She says why can't we? I say because of how I feel about you I can't be friends sorry. I ask if she'll reconsider us? She says no I can't change now. I politely say I'm not asking you to change. She says are you mad with me for having a boyfriend & moving on? I say no she says why won't you talk about it? I politely say because I do not wish to thank you.

[Pedro]

Yes I know I have validated what she said. However why I invalidated her wanting to talk bout our breakup but I wasn't mentally prepared to discuss that topic inparticular

[Pedro]

Hi heartandwhole,

To give you an update on yesterday's day out. The last couple of posts were short as I was trying to post them while ex was with me, so only when she went to the ladies room in the restaurant could I put anything.

So we didn't do a full day out to the coast or the zoo as I had planned.  We went into the city near to where we live. So I parked up then headed to an shopping mall. On the way she says "we can still be friends can't we when the house has been sold & we have moved on"? I say "that will not be possible because of how I feel about you".  She asks the same question again & I give her the same answer with an assertive politeness.

So we are sat having drinks & she says "are you mad with me"? I say "about what"? She says "having a boyfriend & moving on". I say "no not mad just frustrated". She says "I want to talk about us"? I ask "do you mean us breaking up"? I say "I don't want to talk about that right now thank you".

Over the next couple of hours she going back to the topic of wanting to stay friends & in touch once the house sale is finalised & completed. Without getting angry & exasperated I say "it is not possible, because of how I feel about you, I love you but I have to move on without you".
Is she trying to keep me there if things fail with Mr Wonderful? At one time I would have allowed that but not now.

We have a lovely USA diner style meal which I picked somewhere new to eat which she loved. We walked around the city her occasionally holding my hand, telling me she loves me, (the usual behaviour I've documented before). We go to old vinyl record stores which we always threatened to do when a couple, & she bought some clothes for her vacation next week then home.

Driving home from the city I bring the topic up of myself having getting involved with counselling for my mental health. She asks "how has it been going"?  I say it's been helpful but I've also struggled at times"
I bring up the subject that I have been reading about BPD. I pause to see if she would respond, she says "I cant change". I say "I don't want you to change". Perhaps that was a good or not so good thing to say?  I feel that I've reached a monumental moment here, because for the last 6 years & since we separated she wouldn't even acknowledge it the subject.

I say "it's okay to be who you are Hun", I apologise  when over the next 5 minutes or so whilst driving (not clever), trying to validate, empathise & verify her thought processes & emotions.
I say "when you were going through your episodes of extreme emotions, self harming, severe mood swings, things that you were trying so say, your belief systems that I didn't understand or couldn't comprehend why you do it".
I apologise "that I couldn't validate your thoughts, feelings & what you were trying to communicate & say to me, & that I invalidated what you were feeling & saying". Given I'm opening a can of worms with somebody with BPD whilst I'm in a car with her whilst I'm driving was a risky strategy?

I say that I have been reading & researching about the condition & remind her of the time she told me "that she was told she has traits of BPD in her early 20's" I give examples of when she was unhappy & say that I wished having been in knowledge of all the facts like I am now how I would have reacted differently, how I would have supported her appropriately.
I finish this topic in case it escalates her mood & painful memories by saying "if we could reconcile I am better prepared for us to have a better happier healthier more fulfilling relationship"?  She says no.

Sorry for the long post everybody.

[Gumiho]

Hi pedro,

I've been following your story so far and I have to comment on how strong you are. Cheer up~ ^^
Here are some things I wanted to coin in on~~

At one time I would have allowed that but not now.

I see both though. No blame

holding my hand, telling me she loves me, (the usual behaviour I've documented before).

My (ex?)gf shows this kind of behavior too. excruciating. stay strong 

"I cant change". I say "I don't want you to change". Perhaps that was a good or not so good thing to say?

IMHO a good reply. You is you, she is she. Only she can change herself. I communicated the same to mine more roughly. Your version is so...  

whilst driving (not clever) ... .
Given I'm opening a can of worms with somebody with BPD whilst I'm in a car with her whilst I'm driving was a risky strategy?

Risky. (hazards and pull out if she gets physical... I don't see any problem if not though)

"if we could reconcile I am better prepared for us to have a better happier healthier more fulfilling relationship"?  She says no.

In my case, persistence paid off the most.


And don't apologize, I feel for ya~

[Pedro]

Hi Gumiho,

Thanks for your support, I am not a strong person in my mind, I think I'm sad, desperate, & pathetic the way I've been a door mat for years just to cope with the illness. Initially during the separation I've been a doormat, & that is because I wasn't in receipt or knowledgeable of the facts or understanding of what it's like, feel or think when somebody has BPD. I didn't have coping strategies, knowing about boundaries, validation, severe mood swings (extreme highs & lows), self harming, excessive clothes shopping etc.

Not being biased she occasionally lets her guard down, or opens the gate & communicates that she still wants us, but cannot get past me reaching out to an ex via email for support because I got in such a dark & unhappy place I never wanted that I was desperate.

I've done all I can Gumiho.  Thanks for your insight, I'm sorry I've not been able to support others like they have me, because we cohabit (as neither can afford to move out) until we finally sell the house, so even in separation I'm dealing with us every day like her me.

[heartandwhole]

So tough, Pedro. Your frustration is so understandable. 

How do you feel having shared with her some of things you'd been holding on to?

heartandwhole 

[Gumiho]

I've done all I can Gumiho.

You've done far more than "all", Pedro.
If this was a real war you'd be pinned by medals from head to toe~~
rooting for you 

[Pedro]

Hi heartandwhole.

As the title of a book that the website here endorses I was walking on eggshells before I said things.  Even not being a couple & from past experiences when I've tried to broach the subject & her reactions, I still have that mind set. It felt a bit of slight relief. It felt good but I probably only said 10% of what I want to say. She's going on holiday next week so I don't want her to leave here traumatised.

Because we still cohabit I have to make things as comfortable, doable workable until we go our separate ways completely. So I am still having to work at things still for my own sanity.

She said yesterday "how will things be different when I return from TX, they will still be the same for me"?  As I commented earlier in the week when I told her "things will be profoundly different", I didn't want to get into a hypothetical conversation about "well you've met your boyfriend & you'll know how you'll feel about him now that you've met him. (not good to mention that heartandwhole and Skip). Also speaking to her Mother about us, God telling her to move home, or her relocating to another part of England for her job if she decides to stay in England.  She wouldn't understand my perspective heartandwhole?

So I will not what she wants or thinks I can be when she returns as we are now, it's not for me, she reconciles or we're through, that's how it is (it will be the latter).

When I do sell the house that's when my grieving will start properly, I don't have to deal with this anymore.

She thinks we're best mates but we're not. I've had to be polite & listen to her mutterings with Wonderful every night.  I'll reconsider medals Gumiho hahaha?

[Pedro]

I can't do this anymore, it's too hard, I'm too sad & upset. My heart can't take this. I'm home from my parents house & she has everything laid out packed for TX vacation. Roll on towards end of year, get house sold,

I'm a good person here, why can't she just bloody reconnect. I've given up on this. Sincere congratulations & well done to all members who have bee able to reconcile & success stories.

When I've left all this crap behind, I'll leave her my login details just bloody show her how much I love her how hard I tried, all the effort, compassion, learning, understanding. Then she might get a better take of how her condition affects people's lives.

She'll keep going through relationships in life if neither her or Mr Wonderfuls in future don't engage in pro active intervention. She obviously doesn't love me enough.

[Pedro]

Forgot to add just wanted to say hand on very heavy heart, sincere thanks mostly to Skip and heartandwhole on the trying to save a relationship section of this website.
     

[Skip]

Pedro, you've done a good job of being strong, being a good person, and not being a doormat. You've given her positive memories.

Try not to let down in these last few hours. It's not the time to profess love or solicit reconciliation - she has to make this trip - she promised her parents - and she is committed to meet her penpal.

Let it play out. It's hard, the odds for either relationship are long - but it's your best play. Letting down just swings the momentum in the other direction... .

Hang in there.

[Pedro]

Sorry Skip ive tried so bloody hard. I've been in my bedroom tonight like this , I've been all happy positive in front of her. Just seeing her travel bags & me not being part of that extended family that I have come to know & love her parents are like my 2nd parents we're so close & the mutual love & closeness just pulls at my heart so much.
Sorry thanks.

[Skip]

Sorry Skip I've tried so bloody hard... .

Please don't be sorry. This is your life, your heart, your call. Your situation is a very difficult and fluid one.

[Pedro]

Without mostly yourself Skip and heartandwhole, I would not have got this far in terms of trying reconnect & reconcile.

Head unfortunately is preparing for the unwanted scenario unfortunately

THANKS XXX

[Pedro]

Happy 4th July day from this unofficially adopted TX man from England. Hope most of you here from the US can a relatively stress free & peaceful day where possible?

God bless & love to you all.

Pedro XX

[Pedro]

Happy 4th July day from this unofficially adopted TX man from England. Hope most of you here from the US can have a relatively stress free & peaceful day where possible?

God bless & love to you all.

Pedro XX