Finding Normal Again

[Middle Kata]

I became aware of BPD after a few people told me I was in an abusive relationship. I knew things weren't great - I had become very isolated, always felt like I was walking on eggshells, and after nearly a decade trying up be supportive, my spouse began threatening to leave with my kids unless I agreed to certain conditions publicly that would strongly reinforce me as broken and a terrible manipulator and her as a clear victim.

I was shocked at this narrative change and now live separately and get my see my kids on the weekend. The biggest struggle is my spouse immediately reached out to all my friends and family to "help" me in finding support. They can't understand how my spouse could have been abusive over the years and blame me for moving out of the house. Even after explaining my spouse threatened to leave twice before I moved out and would have left if I didn't, they still ask me what it will take for me to move home and that my spouse seems like they are making all the right choices.

I feel even more isolated now and have come closer to suicidal ideation than I have in a few decades. As time goes on my spouse becomes angrier and angrier at most interactions (or lack of interactions) we have. They do not seem dangerous to my kids and I'm attempting to develop social circles for support. I understand it will be a long road but as I'm reading through "Stop Walking on Eggshells" it gives me some hope (albeit a small amount) that someday I'll find normal again.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am so sorry to hear of what brings you here but I am glad you found us.  As you read and post more on this site you will find many who are in similar situations.  It helps to read and post to others so can build a support network and, more importantly, talk with others who are working their way through their situation. 

Can you tell us some more about your relationship?  Also how long it has been since you moved out?  What lead up to the break?

Sorry for all the questions! 

I hope to see you around the boards.   

[Mutt]

Hi Middle Kata,

The biggest struggle is my spouse immediately reached out to all my friends and family to "help" me in finding support. They can't understand how my spouse could have been abusive over the years and blame me for moving out of the house. Even after explaining my spouse threatened to leave twice before I moved out and would have left if I didn't, they still ask me what it will take for me to move home and that my spouse seems like they are making all the right choices.

I'd find this really tough with everything that you experienced behind closed doors and you're not getting support from your friends. Martyr complex is common with pwBPD where they will cast you in the role of persecutor and cast themselves in the role of victim. The group of friends, your spouse and yourself make three that makes a triangle my advice would be to move to the center of the triangle to remove yourself from this drama cycle.

BEHAVIORS: Triangulation

Are they mutual friends or were they your friends before you met your spouse? I'd be angry if my friends were not showing me support and showing support for the other person.