exBPDgf broke NC after 2 months

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

People show one thing where the reality of the situation might often times be different, this is true especially when social media is involved. So her check ins, flaunting and even expressing interests in moving really don't come as a surprise; its likely all for show.

Superimpose that upon her reaching out to you; many pwBPD line up a replacement before they fully discard their current r/s. Consider that she may initiated the process of devaluing the replacement an is on the lookout for his replacement; you, another past r/s, the pizza guy... .etc. If it is consistent with the BPD way, you might have some drama on the way that might have to deal with.

[JRT]

People show one thing where the reality of the situation might often times be different, this is true especially when social media is involved. So her check ins, flaunting and even expressing interests in moving really don't come as a surprise; its likely all for show.

Superimpose that upon her reaching out to you; many pwBPD line up a replacement before they fully discard their current r/s. Consider that she may initiated the process of devaluing the replacement an is on the lookout for his replacement; you, another past r/s, the pizza guy... .etc. If it is consistent with the BPD way, you might have some drama on the way that might have to deal with.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I speculate that there are two types of BPD r/s from their disordered perspective: a relationship and a replacement. The replacement r/s is what we might refer to as a rebound r/s in our world; one that satisfies an unfulfilled need created by the termination of a previous r/s. They are superficial and temporary in nature despite the fact that both parties might believe otherwise. Sooner or later, the wheels fall off of that r/s as well.

While I have read many stories of of a pwBPD ending one r/s and then running off to another (sometimes even involving marriage or pregnancy), I am not familiar with any such account that was a long term successful r/s. Matter of fact, most of them seem to hover back once the replacement r/s fails. 

 

If this is the case, are we all replacements in some form? Prior to our relationship, my ex had 3 semi serious relationships. Out of all of them, we lasted the longest. Her sister had told me that she had never seen her that happy, she was finally settiNg goals in life, etc. Then she just left.

[4Years5Months]

I was my ex's first boyfriend (if you don't count those junior high relationships that last a week) and I was her first sexual partner (physical evidence during our first time confirmed this).  She has regularly told me as part of the conversations in the OP that I am her "first love" and that is partly why she cannot let go of me.

[Reecer1588]

I was my ex's first boyfriend (if you don't count those junior high relationships that last a week) and I was her first sexual partner (physical evidence during our first time confirmed this).  She has regularly told me as part of the conversations in the OP that I am her "first love" and that is partly why she cannot let go of me.

Wow now that sounds crazy similar to me. But I haven't heard anything from

Mine yet. But yeah I was her first real, long, intimate relationship. But I haven't heard anything like that... .Well actually I haven't heard anything at all though.

Interesting to see I'm not the only one in the 'first' position.

[Heldfast]

AgentofChaos, that was mine. She and I were engaged, together, happy, everyone around us thought we were going to be the greatest couple, then she just disappeared, moving across country to... .her first love from 7 years ago, who apparently had been texting back and forth after we got engaged and they reconnected at a wedding of two mutual friends... .and her family gave me the whole, she'd never been so happy and self stable (even though she was very high functioning), but at the same time that she'd never had such terrible fibromyalgia as when she was with me, and they've never seen someone painted blacker after a relationship in her eyes. They knew I was wonderful for her and to her, and they hate the first boyfriend who they call "the troll."

Ah well, not going to try to understand crazy, just going to try to understand me.

[apollotech]

AgentofChaos, that was mine. She and I were engaged, together, happy, everyone around us thought we were going to be the greatest couple, then she just disappeared, moving across country to... .her first love from 7 years ago, who apparently had been texting back and forth after we got engaged and they reconnected at a wedding of two mutual friends... .and her family gave me the whole, she'd never been so happy and self stable (even though she was very high functioning), but at the same time that she'd never had such terrible fibromyalgia as when she was with me, and they've never seen someone painted blacker after a relationship in her eyes. They knew I was wonderful for her and to her, and they hate the first boyfriend who they call "the troll."

Ah well, not going to try to understand crazy, just going to try to understand me.

Heldfast,

It's interesting that you mention your exSO's fibromyalgia as that is a common illness amongst pwBPD. My BPDexgf had severe fibromalgia around me but never seemed to be afflicted with it to such severity otherwise. I often wondered if she willed it upon herself. I know that it's a real disease, but she seemed to be able to claim it, be afflcted by it, at opportune times.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

AgentofChaos, that was mine. She and I were engaged, together, happy, everyone around us thought we were going to be the greatest couple, then she just disappeared, moving across country to... .her first love from 7 years ago, who apparently had been texting back and forth after we got engaged and they reconnected at a wedding of two mutual friends... .and her family gave me the whole, she'd never been so happy and self stable (even though she was very high functioning), but at the same time that she'd never had such terrible fibromyalgia as when she was with me, and they've never seen someone painted blacker after a relationship in her eyes. They knew I was wonderful for her and to her, and they hate the first boyfriend who they call "the troll."

Ah well, not going to try to understand crazy, just going to try to understand me.

When I read posts similar to mine, part of me is comforted and part of me identifies with the pain. I'm sorry you went through that.

[Heldfast]

I almost feel for my replacement, thinking oh my god we are reunited and it must be true love after al, I got this woman to break her engagement and leave the Virgin Islands for me and Seattle. Fat, ugly little pug that he is... .wait for the ricochet.

[Restored2]

I am looking forward to being where you are. My brain is there but, as mentioned, the heart is not there just yet. Why? Beats me!

I'm right there with you Limbo.  If you are like me, and I think you are, the answer is very simple: we love them.  We just love them.  As messed up and confused and disordered as they are.  We were able to see the best in them, and there was a lot to see there.  We love them.  Just the way they are.  Simply because they are themselves.

I meant it when I told my ex that I would always love her no matter what.  That nothing could ever change my love for her.  Those weren't just words.  I meant them with total sincerity, and now that things are over I find that I still mean it.  I love her.  I just do.  And whether we are together or not doesn't really change that one bit.

I think I've reached the point where I'm ok with that.  Sometimes when you love someone you have to let them go and wish them the fondest of farewells.  But that doesn't mean that you stop loving them.

Hi Cosmonaut.  I can relate to where you are coming from on the love end.  I told mine that I love her unconditionally, which I meant and continue to still stand true to, despite all that she has done to mistreat and abuse me.  She said in her response that she did not know what unconditional love is.  Such a sad position for her, but it sure feels good for me to not waiver in my love for her. 

[4Years5Months]

I'm going to share the details of my original post in this topic with my therapist tomorrow.  Would anyone be interested in what she has to say?  I'm still amazed at how real my ex was in her comments that day.  Especially now that she has gone silent again, probably to cocoon herself from me as I'm a trigger, as her comments clearly showed.

[JRT]

I'm going to share the details of my original post in this topic with my therapist tomorrow.  Would anyone be interested in what she has to say?  I'm still amazed at how real my ex was in her comments that day.  Especially now that she has gone silent again, probably to cocoon herself from me as I'm a trigger, as her comments clearly showed.

Yes, absolutely!

[cosmonaut]

Sure, I'd be interested in your T's thoughts on things if you'd like to share with us.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Of course!  Good luck with appt.

[downwhim]

4years,

Thanks for sharing this post. It helps to clarify how much pain they are really in and like JRT said she has a deep love for you. She bounces all over the place with her thinking. Just knowing you have someone else when she loves you/emotionally abuses you is her dilemma. She wants you yet she can't have you because of the way her mental illness forces her to abandon this feeling every time there is closeness. She can't even see your name and it triggers her.

I thought her one line saying when she started dating your replacement "it just organically turned into something more." I had no idea relationships were organic. 

[4Years5Months]

That is always her excuse.  It just happened!  (This time organically, but whatever)

It's just the way she feels.  It just happened.  She doesn't know what she wants.  She doesn't know why.  All of these are surface comments that don't require her to dig deep and really say what she feels.  Her long declaration to me in my OP in this thread is one of only maybe 3 or 4 times she has been THAT real.  Typically, she plays the victim and blames her life situation (if only I lived somewhere else!) - it is never about her as a person.  And that's why this repeats.  And that's why my replacement will eventually be discarded, regardless of if I am an option or not.  He's a naive, controllable guy who is happy to have a girlfriend, dumped and divorced from his wife within the last six months.  Of course my ex says he has been "over his ex-wife" for two years and the divorce wasn't anything major for him.  Sure... .as he comments on six month old photos of she and I on her Facebook because he wants her to take them down.  Seems REALLY confident and mature.  He's a loser who wants love... .just like my other two replacements.  And thanks to her warped infatuation ways, he will think he has hit the jackpot until she cuts him off out of nowhere.  She told me in our conversation that I am the only person on earth who has a piece of her heart.  Do you think HE knows that?

I have no doubt that my ex was testing the waters for a POSSIBLE recycle when she talked to me in the OP.  Perhaps not now, or even soon, but well, she had just fought with my replacement over the comment he made on Facebook, and well, she and I talked (messaged) for SIX HOURS that day.  Where was he?  Obviously not with her.  Fight + him not there = abandonment fear = reaching out to me.  Other than trading comments on a mutual friend's Facebook posts a week ago, I haven't heard from her since.  Obviously they made up, as was expected. 

Last night, she went to another baseball game with the replacement.  I knew she was doing this because, again, she mentioned it on a mutual friend's Facebook status update about said baseball team ("I'm going on Thursday!"  So, out of masochistic curiosity, I checked her Instagram last night.  There was a photo of the two of them at the game.  Neither were smiling, but eh, there they were, the "happy couple."  A couple of hours later, I checked again, and she had DELETED that photo and replaced it with one of the two of them, foreheads together, smiling broadly... .and the photo was from a MONTH ago when they started dating.  I know this because I saw it on a friend's phone one night.  She deleted one photo and replaced it with a happier one from a month ago.  Seriously, THAT much effort to show off your relationship?  I'm sure it was for me to see.  She has no idea I know it's an old photo.  She's trying REAL hard to make it seem like she is quite happy with him.  I just shake my head and remember our conversation from two weeks ago.  Do YOU think she's happy with this guy?  Please.

As for my therapy appointment?  I handed my therapist the same passage of her comments (printed) from the OP.  She read it, and well, she didn't have much to say about her words themselves, but:

"There are patterns to her behavior.  I told you she would reach out to you... .you knew she would... .and SHE knew she would, as she said it herself (in her comments).  This is a snapshot of that moment.  But she's not continuing to talk to you... .it was a fleeting thing.  It'll happen again, especially if you are receptive.  Obviously, she holds deep love for you and you hold deep love for her, but sit down and make a pie chart of when you felt unconditionally happy with her, and when you felt negative emotions like anxiety, anger, frustration, etc.  Something tells me those negative feelings will dominate the pie chart.  Yet you spent the entire relationship trying and sacrificing yourself for that miniscule amount of happiness.  I see it all the time with all kinds of relationships - you just want to get back to the happy points.  But sooner or later, you have to accept that the MAJORITY of what you are experiencing with this person is negative.  And that's not healthy, and not good for you."

In other words, stop chasing happiness that is dominated by negative emotions.  None of us should have to go through that as the majority of our romance with someone.  I see people on here that constantly post about UNDERSTANDING their BPDex and WHY are they not talking to me, WHY have I been replaced, etc.  I struggle with it, too.  But you will NEVER heal unless you (A) accept that it will ALWAYS happen with this person regardless of what you do and (B)  This will happen with EVERY RELATIONSHIP they are in, and (C) IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

And most importantly... .

(D) - They feel immense shame, guilt, regret, and sadness - even if they do not tell you.  If they aren't contacting you, it's because they feel that immense shame and cannot face you.  My ex gave me quite the gift without knowing it when she said all of those things in the OP.  But read her comments again... .notice how it's about HER.  Once a BPDer, always a BPDer.

So when you see and hear about how happy they are on Facebook with your replacement, how they seem to be OVER all of those negative emotions and are in a good place, simply because they are with them and not YOU - read my OP.  That is what they constantly feel, both about themselves, and you.  Anything else is a projection.  Just like it was with you.  It's THEM!

[LimboFL]

""There are patterns to her behavior.  I told you she would reach out to you... .you knew she would... .and SHE knew she would, as she said it herself (in her comments).  This is a snapshot of that moment.  But she's not continuing to talk to you... .it was a fleeting thing.  It'll happen again, especially if you are receptive.  Obviously, she holds deep love for you and you hold deep love for her, but sit down and make a pie chart of when you felt unconditionally happy with her, and when you felt negative emotions like anxiety, anger, frustration, etc.  Something tells me those negative feelings will dominate the pie chart.  Yet you spent the entire relationship trying and sacrificing yourself for that miniscule amount of happiness.  I see it all the time with all kinds of relationships - you just want to get back to the happy points.  But sooner or later, you have to accept that the MAJORITY of what you are experiencing with this person is negative.  And that's not healthy, and not good for you."

In other words, stop chasing happiness that is dominated by negative emotions.  None of us should have to go through that as the majority of our romance with someone.  I see people on here that constantly post about UNDERSTANDING their BPDex and WHY are they not talking to me, WHY have I been replaced, etc.  I struggle with it, too.  But you will NEVER heal unless you (A) accept that it will ALWAYS happen with this person regardless of what you do and (B)  This will happen with EVERY RELATIONSHIP they are in, and (C) IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

And most importantly... .

(D) - They feel immense shame, guilt, regret, and sadness - even if they do not tell you.  If they aren't contacting you, it's because they feel that immense shame and cannot face you.  My ex gave me quite the gift without knowing it when she said all of those things in the OP.  But read her comments again... .notice how it's about HER.  Once a BPDer, always a BPDer.

So when you see and hear about how happy they are on Facebook with your replacement, how they seem to be OVER all of those negative emotions and are in a good place, simply because they are with them and not YOU - read my OP.  That is what they constantly feel, both about themselves, and you.  Anything else is a projection.  Just like it was with you.  It's THEM!"

Wow, things we all know but to have them summed up like this, just wow. This is what my brain is going though as we speak. It is the mechanism (reminding myself over and over again of all of the negative emotions I felt, in the hopes that in short order, they will finally over power my absolutely incomprehensible longing for that good part, as though it was anything but fleeting), I continue to use whenever my screwed up brain starts to get twisted into thinking about her or wondering how happy she could be with my replacement, how lonely I feel, because the latter is ultimately the hardest part. We sit alone, in part angry because we lost what we want so much which is someone to love and who will love us, someone to talk to about the day, someone to kick our feet up on the couch with etc etc etc. There is a huge component of "it's not fu##### fair!, why after everything we have done, do we have to suffer the pain and loss and loneliness?"

Thank you for sharing 4 years. Again, we all know these things but it helps to be reminded especially by a professional.