>Need Your Thoughts Please

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello,
I'm 44, my wife is 38--we have two wonderful kids who are 6 and 8 years old.  We both are fortunate to have our bachelors and masters degrees and good jobs.  I've been with my wife for 14 years and married to her for 12 years. 

My wife was diagnosed with ADHD at age 30ish and she takes adderall only when she needs deep focus.  As far as I know my wife hasn't been ever diagnosed with anything else but she doesn't always share everything with me--for instance I've found empty pharmacy bottles for anxiety and antidepressant meds too.  I have general anxiety and take Zoloft for that and it's worked great for me over the years.

The backstory on my upbringing and my wifes--I'm the oldest of three siblings, I had a fairly positive childhood and my parents are still married.  My wife's has one older sister and two younger half-siblings. My wife's Dad left the family when she was only 2 to be with another woman, whom he eventually married and had two kids with (the two half-siblings).  My mother in-law has said that my wife has always had a temper for as long as she can remember and that my wife would often try to manipulate or use emotions with either divorced parent to get what she wanted.

Over the course of of these 14 years things have progressively gotten worse in our relationship. I suspect she has BPD.  She is smart and successful at her job but she has always had a hot temper and says literally whatever is on her mind--sometimes to her own ridicule.  She cheated on me after about a year after our first son was born, I was devastated and not expecting it.  We briefly did couples counseling, moved on and stayed together.

About 2-5 times a year her hot temper causes her to say and do really rude and mean things to me when she's upset--She yells at me during these times, asks me to leave the house or room, asks me to move out or says she wants a divorce.  I've also occasionally caught my wife in white lies.

Yet, after saying these things she/we carry on like nothing happened.  After she's chilled out, I've tried to talk to her about these hot temper blow ups and divorce threats but it never really helps--I want her to acknowledge her temper and threats as well as verbalize how she won't do it again, but that doesn't happen.  She often doubles down and gets upset that I'm even bringing it up--it's so exhausting.  I've often wondered if she is even self aware during these hot temper blow ups to know what she is saying and doing--because the fact that she doesn't address it afterwards makes me think that she either isn't self aware or she feels justified in acting like this.

I've somehow been able to tolerate this behavior over the years, but simply I cannot anymore, it's ruining my happiness and mental health to have her angry, negative and verbally abusive with her divorce threats, yelling, etc.

I don't know what to do.  I just want any of you to offer your thoughts regarding what I've shared and please keep in mind we have two children too.

Thank you

[FrustratedHubby4]

Hello,
I'm 44, my wife is 38--we have two wonderful kids who are 6 and 8 years old.  We both are fortunate to have our bachelors and masters degrees and good jobs.  I've been with my wife for 14 years and married to her for 12 years. 

My wife was diagnosed with ADHD at age 30ish and she takes adderall only when she needs deep focus.  As far as I know my wife hasn't been ever diagnosed with anything else but she doesn't always share everything with me--for instance I've found empty pharmacy bottles for anxiety and antidepressant meds too.  I have general anxiety and take Zoloft for that and it's worked great for me over the years.

The backstory on my upbringing and my wifes--I'm the oldest of three siblings, I had a fairly positive childhood and my parents are still married.  My wife's has one older sister and two younger half-siblings. My wife's Dad left the family when she was only 2 to be with another woman, whom he eventually married and had two kids with (the two half-siblings).  My mother in-law has said that my wife has always had a temper for as long as she can remember and that my wife would often try to manipulate or use emotions with either divorced parent to get what she wanted.

Over the course of of these 14 years things have progressively gotten worse in our relationship. I suspect she has BPD.  She is smart and successful at her job but she has always had a hot temper and says literally whatever is on her mind--sometimes to her own ridicule.  She cheated on me after about a year after our first son was born, I was devastated and not expecting it.  We briefly did couples counseling, moved on and stayed together.

About 2-5 times a year her hot temper causes her to say and do really rude and mean things to me when she's upset--She yells at me during these times, asks me to leave the house or room, asks me to move out or says she wants a divorce.  I've also occasionally caught my wife in white lies.

Yet, after saying these things she/we carry on like nothing happened.  After she's chilled out, I've tried to talk to her about these hot temper blow ups and divorce threats but it never really helps--I want her to acknowledge her temper and threats as well as verbalize how she won't do it again, but that doesn't happen.  She often doubles down and gets upset that I'm even bringing it up--it's so exhausting.  I've often wondered if she is even self aware during these hot temper blow ups to know what she is saying and doing--because the fact that she doesn't address it afterwards makes me think that she either isn't self aware or she feels justified in acting like this.

I've somehow been able to tolerate this behavior over the years, but simply I cannot anymore, it's ruining my happiness and mental health to have her angry, negative and verbally abusive with her divorce threats, yelling, etc.

I don't know what to do.  I just want any of you to offer your thoughts regarding what I've shared and please keep in mind we have two children too.

Thank you

[Selfishsally]

Hey frustrated hubby,
 Ive been seperated and back with my hubby over a year now. I also have 2 kids 7 and 3, we have also been married fo 13ish years.
My situation is a bit different now that my husband has been in therapy and we are back together but I believe I have been where you are and have dealt with all the threats.
I understand how you might feel exhausted and depressed with the reality of the relationship, but what is it that you want right now? Am i correct in assuming that you are not interested in seeking a divorce? Do you want to learn how to move forward and not take the things she says personally or are you thinking you might want to be seperated?
Sorry for all the questions...I wish you the best!

[AlmostRyan]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been in this general place, where it sounds like you're feeling controlled. It's a tricky dance, in my experience, because you want to be assertive but also not too much so because your significant other could be easily frightened or otherwise set off if you are too assertive (e.g. aggressive in defending your right to stay put or whatever you think is right and justified). As the man, you are almost certainly going to have to be the one to distance from the room/her if things get too hot. You don't have to agree with it as you do so or make a big statement about it, but that's the only way to keep your power and avoid making things worse or being accused of a physical altercation: refuse to stand there and be verbally abused, basically, and get someplace else out of reach until the temperature goes down. Offer support and consolation as you see fit, too, everyone has very human needs. Communication of needs and concerns is of course important, and that can't get too one-sided. Mediator(s) might be able to help you, it depends, but they should be professional and not prone to take sides. E.g., no friends or family doing that role, ideally. But sometimes you have to use who's available, or, you'll get volunteers. Eh. Someone truly neutral to you both is best for that.

It will take practice if you're just now kind of figuring things out. Whatever you do, don't try to outright "win" any arguments or escalate. This doesn't mean losing the argument either, or agreeing with the white lies you say you catch onto. It just means keeping your sanity, sticking to facts, and trying to thread the needle as best you can for you and your kids. Show them a good model for handling this. Control what you can, and understand that she may at times be out of control, trying to control everything else including you. She will also be trying to control the kids, probably. Note that I say he/she here but obviously, it's not gender specific. And you will also possibly sometimes lose control briefly, it happens. Be forgiving to yourself, and honestly, to her too. Nobody asks for this, no matter the side of the relationship.

I hope things get better for you all. This is a place where you will get a lot of good advice, as I have. It can also help to just vent. Problem solving, coping, and just raising kids all at once is a lot! You can do it.