Parallel Parenting in Real Time

[Turkish]

I dropped the kids off at the ex-laws on Christmas Eve. I was invited to stay, but I'd just been socializing with my fiends, and another 8 hours seemed too much, in addition to the fact of driving 1.5 hours home later at night as my work schedule gets me up in the 0500 and 0600 hours. My ex dropped the kids off near 11PM. I left the door unlocked.

I did the meet and greet when I dropped them off. S13 got stuck in the kitchen behind his uncle's baby gate. I kind of made fun of him with a "duh, it's child proof." He laughed when I let him out. His mom was right there and she said, "I read in a book that is not good to say that." S13 (14 in 3 weeks) said, "that's how dad's and sons talk to each other," to which I added, "it's to toughen him up."

She shook her head. His aunt shook her head "aye [S13]!"

Maybe I should apologize for being from the 80s? George Carlin. Eddie Murphy. I greeted him "what's up fool?" In front of her a while back. She criticized me.  He takes it how it is: funny.

She's still on this thing about his diagnosed autism (ASD1, Aspergers) He hates it when wet bring it up: "I'm just a normal kid."  Yet she treats him with kid gloves regarding that. My views on the autism industrial complex is another rant...

Last week, I was waiting on the street for him to walk home from school at dusk. He saw me by the tree and greeted, "what's up,  fool?" And I returned it. We both laughed and I hugged him. We went inside and I gave him his dinner which I'd prepared in time to him coming home and he appreciated it.

[EyesUp]

Sounds like healthy self-deprecating humor / benign sarcasm to me.  Just the opposite of a hyper sensitive / easily insulted insecure response.

Rock on.

[Notwendy]

 I can see you are being humerous, but how does your son perceive it? If he's on the spectrum- does he take it literally or does he think it's funny?

Sometimes we can say something with intent- and the intent isn't received the same way. I think the main thing is how does your son feel about it? He's old enough to tell you. I'd suggest asking him- if it bothers him, then you know.

[Turkish]

I tired something like this on him in 6th grade and he was really offended and hurt. I apologized profusely to him. In the past few years, I've observed him grow into a teenager, interact with his buddies, and tell me things with humor. I don't make a habit at all of mock shaming or "capping" on him, as we used to say in the 80s, but he gets it now. We relate on a teenage level.

[Notwendy]

That's good and seems to work for you. There's this kind of banter in my H's family- it's something he's used to and everyone is fine with it. I didn't grow up with this in my family, so I tend to be oversensitive to it. I don't know why- maybe it's something to do with the dysfunction in my own FOO or just different parenting styles.

I think what is going on here is two different parenting styles and that is OK as long as the kids are OK. If your son "gets" your humor - and it seems he does, then fine. His mother may not "get" it as much. I don't have BPD so I don't think it's a BPD thing, just differences in how we grew up and also perceive humor.