Want to give it another try but worried.

[downnout98]

I am seriously thinking of giving this relationship one more try. My exBPDgf and I broke up in November and we have not been able to let each other go as much as we have tried. We have both dated others since then but she actually moved a guy into her house about a month after we broke up. She has been telling me all along that she still loves me and can't let me go but at the same time she does not trust me since I am the one that did not come back. Basically, we got into a big argument and she kicked me out of the house for the night. I was tired of the constant break ups and recycling and so I did not come back right away. She was extremely hurt because I would not come back despite her pleas and frantic crying. So she found someone else and moved him in.

Now she says that she has broken things off with him and asked him to leave but this guy has bigger codependent issues than I do. Lol. He is harassing her and blowing up her phone so she says. I know that she is keeping him in the wings in a sort of way just in case we do not work out. I have been keeping calm. Her biggest issues is that I abandoned her and this new guy wont leave, so it seems she likes the fact that he will do whatever she wants and wont leave her. But she does not love him.

Anyway, I'm not sure what to do about the other guy, but more importantly I would love to try this once more and work hard at it but after reading so much from the message boards, I am worried about what my future holds. I lived with her for 3 years and for the most part things were good. We almost got married.

What do you think from your experiences?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi downnout98,

What worries you most about the future? 

[downnout98]

The push/pull and if I can trust that she will be committed. First half of the day she says that she would still marry me, then the second half of the day she is cold. I am worried if I am strong enough to go through this the rest of my life, if it lasts that long. We are in out late 30s. I do love her despite it all.

[EaglesJuju]

The push/pull and if I can trust that she will be committed. First half of the day she says that she would still marry me, then the second half of the day she is cold. I am worried if I am strong enough to go through this the rest of my life, if it lasts that long. We are in out late 30s. I do love her despite it all.

The push-pull is really difficult to cope with.    I have difficulties coping with it myself.  Recently I spoke to my bf about the push-pull and how I cannot handle it. Since the conversation a couple of weeks ago, it has been a lot better.  Have you discussed how you feel about the push-pull with your ex?

I would spend some time learning communication techniques if you have not yet. They have helped me so much.

Is your ex in therapy?

[downnout98]

She is not seeing a therapist but she is seeing a counselor at the church we attend. I am just trying to hang tight and see what she does with this other guy that is in the picture. I'm not positive that she can really end it. I'm trying to be supportive but not sure if I should draw a hard line or not.

[EaglesJuju]

She is not seeing a therapist but she is seeing a counselor at the church we attend. I am just trying to hang tight and see what she does with this other guy that is in the picture. I'm not positive that she can really end it. I'm trying to be supportive but not sure if I should draw a hard line or not.

I would suggest discussing the other man with her and setting boundaries if you are unsure. I found that when I set boundaries and have clear and direct expectations, things tend to work more smoothly.

[downnout98]

I am not real sure what to tell her. It seems like when I have set boundaries before, it would drive her nuts. She gravitates to those that give her the most attention, but then complains when there is too much attention or what becomes perceived as needy. That is how the other guy came into the picture. We were working on our issues but then this guy came in and gave her all the attention she needed.

[EaglesJuju]

I am not real sure what to tell her. It seems like when I have set boundaries before, it would drive her nuts. She gravitates to those that give her the most attention, but then complains when there is too much attention or what becomes perceived as needy. That is how the other guy came into the picture. We were working on our issues but then this guy came in and gave her all the attention she needed.

Setting boundaries or providing clear expectations are best discussed through a communication technique as SET.

What issues did you have before that you were working on?

[downnout98]

The issues we were working on were allowing me to parent my child, splitting time between us and the kids and time for myself. Not giving enough attention to her when my child was involved.

At the time of the break up, we were working with a counselor to reestablish our securities and to stop the issues around recycling.

[an0ught]

hi downnout98,

What do you think from your experiences?

Breakups happen and rebuilding relationships is possible. If there is a longer history of similar break-up behavior in her past then of course the risk of repeats goes up.

I am not real sure what to tell her. It seems like when I have set boundaries before, it would drive her nuts. She gravitates to those that give her the most attention, but then complains when there is too much attention or what becomes perceived as needy. That is how the other guy came into the picture. We were working on our issues but then this guy came in and gave her all the attention she needed.

People in general and pwBPD in particular like validation and loath invalidation. When a relationship gets into a crisis the invalidating messages between the partners increase and the validating ones become more rare. A healthy relationship has a ratio of better than 5:1 between validating and invalidating exchanges. Now attention is quite validating and easy to give at the beginning. It is also easy to validate that the other has problems with a third party.

But then attention is not deep understanding. Validating third party trouble is not as deep as validating the true nature of the relationship between two people f2f. You are communicating so there should be opportunity to validate your understanding of what is going on - crisis, insecurity, not knowing how the relationship between you two develops, past upset, good memories etc. .  

The issues we were working on were allowing me to parent my child, splitting time between us and the kids and time for myself.

That sounds a bit like problem solving. Note that problem solving like marriage counseling tends to be a bit invalidating. Her needs for attention are infinite and part of managing that requires validating her frustration and not giving her all the attention she craves. Trying to strike an agreement is just feeding the conflict. Managing your attention is your business. She may give input but you decide. Dealing with BPD requires balancing validation with strict boundaries.

Rebuilding your relationship will require taking risks including the risk to be hurt. Boundaries are important tools to manage risk exposure. Can you imagine a step wise approach to re-connecting with her? What risk are you willing to take in the first step and what are the consequences for yourself if boundaries are crossed?