Oh, I wish I knew how to better communicate with dd that maybe moving in with us

[somuchlove]

If any of you are following my threads,  I know so many of you have huge personal issues of your own, and like me it is hard to read and respond to us.  I guess it helps to just write here and read the wonderful responses that people take the time to write.

My dd called this morning asking if she does come here, moving away from bf because, even though she loves him , she just can't trust him anymore, etc and there is nothing there for her if they aren't together, would we support her.  I said you are always welcome here, we love you.  She thinks she will stay with us until she may move then to where her ex. is going and her/his children will move there.  Not sure about that being a good choice but I AM NOT GOING TO TELL HER WHAT SHE SHOULD AND SHOULDN'T DO ! !   I hope this was ok but I ask,  what do see us doing that will help make you feel good being here.  What do you need us to do.  She said just support me and understand why I am coming.  I tried to just repeat what she was saying, then i said, it sounds like you and bf are both under a lot of stress, boy she took that and ran,  see you always put me in the middle, why do you think .  Anyway,  I wanted to  say, which is not the right thing, but I was thinking.  so really you want us to agree with you, not tell you you are doing anything wrong... .    But I know, how she sees things are how they are.  She really contradicts herself,  said she was loosing wt, because she has to so bf would love her, how much wt she had to loose, hadn't been eating, etc.  I know the reason bf didn't answer her when she ask him if she was fat, is that is a loaded question.  She will not agree with anything he says,  he can't win.  that is my conflict.  i know what he did was not right.  he can be a mess, but he does lie to her sometimes because you have to to try to avoid her rage.  She doesn't get it when he would say that.  But I know I cant't tell her that I  just have to try,  I hope know what to say./  I am really worried, of course love to have sweet little gchild here cause we haven't seen her for 8 months.  But it will be tough.  Hope my husband and I can make it though all of this.  I wish someone was here to just put words in my mouth so I would say the right things. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

somemuchlove:  I don't know if this will help at all but I try to phrase things in the form of a question and this does seem to help.  If DD is telling me something she is angry about or something that annoys her I will respond with "how does that Fee".  Today we spent the whole day together.  We did alot of talking and and I asked her alot about how she feels.  She was complaining about the fact that her bf, who really cares about her makes her feel like a failure.  I couldn't understand that because he is so loving and so caring, so I asked her to explain how he makes her feel.  She told me that when she is upset and she cuts he tells her all the ways she she handle her emotions better.  He tells her how much it hurts him to see that she has cut. She said I know he loves me but it makes me feel like more of a failure.  I asked her if there was anyone who made her feel better when she is sad and she told me her one friend does because he only says to her, I know I can't make you feel better and I am sorry when you feel you have to cut to feel better, but all I can do is tell you I am here to help you in any way that I can. 

We had alot of conversations about this kind of thing today and I find when I ask her to tell me who she is feeling she will and I don't always agree but it helps me to understand what is going on inside her.  I am trying to understand my DD better and I can only do that by asking her and I think she likes to know she is heard.

Griz

[somuchlove]

Thanks Griz,  I am glad you had a nice conversation with your dd.  I think you are so right.  They just want to be heard.  If they get any sense that you are disagreeing with them or they are not being heard then it starts going on and on again.  When my dd tells me I have to really be truthful with her, i don't think she really wants that, she just wants me to side with her. 

I want to make this a good experience if my dd does come here for awhile.  I worry because unless she keeps busy, which I don't know if she will look for a short part time job or what she will have way to much time on her hands.  I would like to pamper her a little, let her finally relax, get some well needed rest, and do some  of the things she does like.  I don't know.  I am very apprehensive about all of this but I guess I know why she does and talks the way she does so I can understand it.  I just hope my husband can do that. 

DD does a good job of trying to draw me into crazy discussions I just have to bite my tongue and know I can't convince her of anything nor counsel her.  Just don't know when to speak up, be strong on my feelings.  I think she needs strength.  But she has to developed that herself.

When she says things like I can't breath, or I am so fat, i can't eat, i must be ugly, or I am a piece of ~, i am sure she is just needing reinforcement.  That is when I need to not go on and on.  I know I do that sometimes.  Oh my  Yicks     

[griz]

SML:  My daughter really dislikes herself and will often say to me, "I am so fat" or "Look at me, I'm disgusting" , which she is neither, I used to try to show her that she wasn't and say things like no you are not or no, you are so pretty. Now I respond with, I wish you didn't see yourself like that.  I try not to include my opinions in anything like that.  I kind of think of it as her being fat is her reality even though it is not mine.  It is no different than my dh and I at night:

"It's so hot in this room"- me (menopausal women)

I Think it's cold (dh - but opens the window to make me happy)

10 minutes later:

Will you shut the window for god sake I'm freezing - (me- menopausal woman again)

Sure honey- (dh - husband of menopausal woman)

What would be the point of him arguing with me.  I would never agree with him and anything that comes out of his mouth would just piss me off.  Maybe we could think of our dear girls as terminally menopausal.

Griz

[cfh]

Griz

You made my night!  I had to laugh because dh and I have that hot/cold thing going on for years... .  why does menopause have to last so long!

Nice to laugh for a change.  Maybe I'll try thinking of ds as menopausal (or something hormonal like that).  Thanks!

[somuchlove]

Oh Griz,  i was just typing my response when I saw CFH response.  I was going to say the same thing.  You made me laugh.     Thanks  we sure do have to do that and more times that we do, for sure.

I got a call from my other dd tonight saying BPD dd had text her saying we had talked and how i didn't want her here, i thought she was crazy, it was all her fault, taking side of bf, etc etc.  of course dd said she knew i hadn't said that.  Of course I hadn't said that.  Gosh I thought I was pretty DAM good with BPD dd today.   She told dd that I thought she was crazy, etc.  Well you know I do think she is crazy but knowing that BPD is it, i understand.  My wonderful  non BPD dd pointed out to me that she is scared, we talked more and we came to the conclusion that BPD dd needs us, will do everything she can to push as away, even though she really wants us to stay with her, help her, and be there for her.  My non BPD dd said,  "Are you more concerned with proving u r right or concerned about moving forward."   I think she is right.  WE can't change how our dd thinks.  we can't do anything to help her start thinking better, if we aren't apart of her world and she doesn't trust us.  I am now trying to re think what I said,  I know I tried but must have said something that made her think different .  I can only do what I can do.  RIGHT ? 

Thanks GRiz for your post.  Hope you are doing ok.     

[griz]

SML:

Maybe you could just ask her.  You could say I know you feel like I am taking bf's side and I didn't mean that at all.  I don't think I communicate my feelings with you well, maybe if you told me what you made feel that way, I could understand.  DD and I had a similar situation this weekend.  I said something that she totally took the wrong way. At first I started to defend myself and then I stopped and asked her to explain to me how she felt.  I understood better and I didn't apologize for what I said, I just told her I was sorry that she thought that was what I meant and then I was able to rephrase.

It ended pretty well,

Griz

[somuchlove]

Good ideas.  I sometimes feel i post to much here but it sure does help to ramble on and then have someone just clean up the muddy waters.

Sometimes I get so tired worrying about how I say something.  Just wish I could say something and not have it taken totally wrong.  I know I could never not keep trying but ... .     

It always amazing me how they hear something, picks out one word and that is the focus.  USUALLY NEGATIVE.  Ho hummmm