Between a rock and a hard place

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Um… I figured I'd post this here because I wasn't sure where else to post it… the boards seem to be divided into romantic relationships and family members basically but this issue is about two people who are both friends and also people I sort of work with. One of them is a young lady with BPD and the other is a man without BPD who has been married for many years to another lady with BPD… and we (together with other people, with and without BPD) all sort of work together.

Up until now whenever those two locked horns with each other (whenever she was out of line and he needed to scold her for it) it wasn't any of my business and I could just sit back and watch the drama unfold. However, as of recently the dynamics between us have changed and it's now my job, among other things, to be the intermediate between them… I think you can probably imagine how much fun that is.

So anyway, the other day she was just having a conversation with someone and ended up giving them the wrong information about something because she hadn't checked her facts first. I should point out that it's not part of her job description to give people correct information and no one had ever told her up until then to make sure she has her facts straight ahead of time. When he found out he sent her a message asking her to get her facts straight first. Now I should point out that this was after a big drama with her the night before when she took additional sleeping pills after being scolded for something unrelated. It was then my job to comfort and reassure her on the one hand… and then penalize her on the other (I almost backed out of penalizing her at one point, which was a mistake he hasn't forgiven me for yet it seems).

Anyway, after he sent her the message telling her to check her facts first, I wasn't at all sure how to react to this. On the one hand I knew (and he knew even before sending it) that she would have a very, very bad reaction to it. On the other hand, he has quite a temper too and I was afraid of asking him what I wanted to ask at the time – to consult with me before sending her messages from now on or even let me be the one to do it. So I spent the afternoon walking on eggshells around both of them and just prayed that the blowup wouldn't happen… and, of course, the blow up eventually happened…

She started talking about "why do you even want me around? It seems that everybody hates me and always finds something wrong with everything I do". So I said everything I could think of saying to comfort her and tell her that I valued her and needed her around and so on (things I really meant mind you) and I told him (as gently as I could) that seeing as I'm the one that has to answer to her from now, to just let me be the one in charge of sending her messages. He then proceeded to blow up himself and said that I always fall for her manipulations and he's sick of having to witness that and he refuses to walk on eggshells around her just because I do… and he strongly implied that he wants to leave now because of this… and then he started attacking her and said things that I felt were out of line… Eventually I got mad and told them both that I demand that they stop arguing right away and that this is the end of the discussion.

Anyway… after a whole afternoon of walking on eggshells around both of them and trying my best to keep them both happy… they're now both pissed at me and both of them said they want out.

I don't know what to think about any of this or how to react. I love and value and need both of them and I don't want to have to "pick a side" but keeping them both happy is obviously impossible.

The reason I'm posting all this here is that I think my judgment on this might be clouded. He might have a point about me being easily manipulated by her and that I'm an enabler. On the other hand, I do kind of think he might have an attitude problem and he seems to be too much of a perfectionist and seems to believe in swatting flies with sledge hammers. My therapist told me, on more than one occasion, that she thinks he has an attitude problem (unfortunately I won't be able to see her again for close to two weeks so I can't consult about this) and she doesn't like his way of doing things at all. On the other hand, another person I asked, who knows them both, seems to think that he's entirely in the right and that I should just kick her out. So I don't know what to think.

Each of them reminds me of my mother, in their own ways. Her with her: "I'm such a victim, everybody hates me, I need you to rescue me or else I'll leave!", and him with his: "I don't care if you're new at this, I expect you to shape up right away and do things 'right' (i.e. the way I want them to be done) or else I'll leave!" (I should point out btw that by some odd coincidence he only started directly threatening to leave shortly after finding out that I'm afraid of him leaving). And I'm terrified of upsetting either of them.

Does anyone have any advice on what I could do to try and see things more clearly? (i.e. if I'm just being manipulated by her… or him for that matter… and how I can tell what the best course of action might be?)

[justnothing]

Um… I figured I'd post this here because I wasn't sure where else to post it… the boards seem to be divided into romantic relationships and family members basically but this issue is about two people who are both friends and also people I sort of work with. One of them is a young lady with BPD and the other is a man without BPD who has been married for many years to another lady with BPD… and we (together with other people, with and without BPD) all sort of work together.

Up until now whenever those two locked horns with each other (whenever she was out of line and he needed to scold her for it) it wasn't any of my business and I could just sit back and watch the drama unfold. However, as of recently the dynamics between us have changed and it's now my job, among other things, to be the intermediate between them… I think you can probably imagine how much fun that is.

So anyway, the other day she was just having a conversation with someone and ended up giving them the wrong information about something because she hadn't checked her facts first. I should point out that it's not part of her job description to give people correct information and no one had ever told her up until then to make sure she has her facts straight ahead of time. When he found out he sent her a message asking her to get her facts straight first. Now I should point out that this was after a big drama with her the night before when she took additional sleeping pills after being scolded for something unrelated. It was then my job to comfort and reassure her on the one hand… and then penalize her on the other (I almost backed out of penalizing her at one point, which was a mistake he hasn't forgiven me for yet it seems).

Anyway, after he sent her the message telling her to check her facts first, I wasn't at all sure how to react to this. On the one hand I knew (and he knew even before sending it) that she would have a very, very bad reaction to it. On the other hand, he has quite a temper too and I was afraid of asking him what I wanted to ask at the time – to consult with me before sending her messages from now on or even let me be the one to do it. So I spent the afternoon walking on eggshells around both of them and just prayed that the blowup wouldn't happen… and, of course, the blow up eventually happened…

She started talking about "why do you even want me around? It seems that everybody hates me and always finds something wrong with everything I do". So I said everything I could think of saying to comfort her and tell her that I valued her and needed her around and so on (things I really meant mind you) and I told him (as gently as I could) that seeing as I'm the one that has to answer to her from now, to just let me be the one in charge of sending her messages. He then proceeded to blow up himself and said that I always fall for her manipulations and he's sick of having to witness that and he refuses to walk on eggshells around her just because I do… and he strongly implied that he wants to leave now because of this… and then he started attacking her and said things that I felt were out of line… Eventually I got mad and told them both that I demand that they stop arguing right away and that this is the end of the discussion.

Anyway… after a whole afternoon of walking on eggshells around both of them and trying my best to keep them both happy… they're now both pissed at me and both of them said they want out.

I don't know what to think about any of this or how to react. I love and value and need both of them and I don't want to have to "pick a side" but keeping them both happy is obviously impossible.

The reason I'm posting all this here is that I think my judgment on this might be clouded. He might have a point about me being easily manipulated by her and that I'm an enabler. On the other hand, I do kind of think he might have an attitude problem and he seems to be too much of a perfectionist and seems to believe in swatting flies with sledge hammers. My therapist told me, on more than one occasion, that she thinks he has an attitude problem (unfortunately I won't be able to see her again for close to two weeks so I can't consult about this) and she doesn't like his way of doing things at all. On the other hand, another person I asked, who knows them both, seems to think that he's entirely in the right and that I should just kick her out. So I don't know what to think.

Each of them reminds me of my mother, in their own ways. Her with her: "I'm such a victim, everybody hates me, I need you to rescue me or else I'll leave!", and him with his: "I don't care if you're new at this, I expect you to shape up right away and do things 'right' (i.e. the way I want them to be done) or else I'll leave!" (I should point out btw that by some odd coincidence he only started directly threatening to leave shortly after finding out that I'm afraid of him leaving). And I'm terrified of upsetting either of them.

Does anyone have any advice on what I could do to try and see things more clearly? (i.e. if I'm just being manipulated by her… or him for that matter… and how I can tell what the best course of action might be?)

[Take2]

Hi Justnothing... .    it sounds like a really difficult situation you're in... . but I'm not sure I caught whether or not you are supervising these two people?  Do they report to you and that's why you are now an intermediary?  I can't really understand why else you'd have to be the go between these two otherwise, it would help to understand that I think.  If you're a supervisor or I guess even if not, try to just remain 100% focused on the work aspect - what is each of their jobs, are they doing it or not.  If she is brand new at doing something, it's not unreasonable to expect there will be a learning curve.  Allow her a little time for that and stand firm with hm on what is reasonable.  She may manipulate you but obviously he is also.  Or at least trying to.  If you stay as focused as possible on what is expected of them for work only, regardless of ANY other factors, then you will have less issues with both.  They will still keep creating the noise that they do - but if you don't listen or acknowledge their emotions to the situation, eventually they will simmer down.

Obviously you have to focus on your emotions and not let them get involved either. 

I say this as I can admit that it's wildly difficult for me to not let my emotions come out at work.  Although I try to keep focus on work and it helps. 

[Want2know]

Does anyone have any advice on what I could do to try and see things more clearly? (i.e. if I'm just being manipulated by her… or him for that matter… and how I can tell what the best course of action might be?)

There is something that is called the Karpmans Triangle that might be helpful to read up on regarding your situation:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

It looks as if you are a part of one. 

You mention a few times that you feel it is your role to be the mediator - why?

If this is happening at work, I would think it would be best to try and move away from the drama so that it doesn't impact your position.

[justnothing]

Thank you for your replies.

I'll try to keep my feelings in check as much as possible… (ignoring theirs won't be that easy for me mind you…).

Heh, and yeah, it does sound an awful lot like the Karpman Triangle now that you mention it… I hadn't noticed the similarity up until now…

It's more like voluntary work rather than actual work. He used to be the one in charge of it but now I am instead. It was his decision to step down but I convinced him to stay on board because I valued (and still value) his opinion and knowhow (and so rank wise he's still above her). She's not exactly new at this and her issues often do get in the way and will often lead to bad messes… which is why he doesn't like her. I can't tell if he's too hard on her or if I'm too soft… but I kind of suspect that it's both.

I'll admit it, I don't have an easy time being strict with people that talk about killing or harming themselves. My mother tried to kill herself a couple of times when I was growing up and I was always the only one there for her and the only one in charge of keeping her happy and trying to prevent her from killing herself.

I can identify very well with the SGR… I used to be even worse than I am now when it comes to trying to "rescue" people. I think there's a good chance that that's clouding my judgment about this… but I'm still not entirely convinced that he should be that strict…

On the other hand, maybe I shouldn't be trying to control his behavior…?

One way or another, I think I'm definitely too emotional involved in this whole drama. I can totally identify with the SGR "I have no value unless I can meet other people's needs". Being faced with two people with contradictory needs that are both threatening to leave unless I meet those needs is doing my head in quite thoroughly (heh… victim stance…).

I think this is a problem I've faced all my life… basically I try to bribe people into being my friends by trying to meet whatever need… ihdk how to find any value in myself other than that way.

[Louise7777]

"Anyway… after a whole afternoon of walking on eggshells around both of them and trying my best to keep them both happy… they're now both pissed at me and both of them said they want out. "

Why do you try to keep them happy?

"On the other hand, maybe I shouldn't be trying to control his behavior…? "

Yep, controlling others isnt the healthy approach.

Of course thats easy for me to say. My instinct is always to please people, to make them happy and to come to an agreement (which is impossible when dealing with most PDs).

From what you have described, the guy is frustrated cause she´s always behaving childishly and people fall for it. I dont find it appropriate her saying "everybody hates me" in the workplace (voluntary work or not). I understood he´s her superior and its part of his job to "correct" her. Problem is, PDs take everything personal.

Also, if they want to go, let them go. This is emotional blackmail.

[justnothing]

Thanks for the reply Louise.

Why do you try to keep them happy?

Um… good question… I suppose because I feel like it's "my job" and that I'm "not doing my job right" if I'm not keeping them happy (mind you, I realize now that that's not true at all  but up until now that was what I thought… I also thought it was possible to keep everybody happy and that not being able to do so wouldn't be due to circumstances but rather because of "me being a failure", or something like that…).

Yep, controlling others isnt the healthy approach.

Yeah… I only became fully aware of that (and of the fact that I have a tendency to do it) the other night after reading the extended article about Karpmans' triangle. I also talked about it with another volunteer and eventually ended up sending him a message letting him know that I won't try to get in his way when it comes to dealing with her anymore and that I'll try to back him up more from now on.

Also, if they want to go, let them go. This is emotional blackmail.

Um yeah… good point… and thanks…

[Louise7777]

You are welcome, JustNothing!

For some reason, we tend to believe we are responsible for people´s feelings. To a certain extent, we are. If I push your buttons, Im somehow responsible for your response. At least thats how I see it. But trying to make people happy is not healthy for us and maybe it comes from our childhood, where we were made to behave as parents of the PDs.

I think you sending the email was good. If you remove emotions and deal with the situation in a professional way, everybody will benefit from it. Im also dealing with PDs and sometimes they just like to create drama and chaos, but thats beyond our control. As hard as it is for me, Im trying to be objective and professional myself.

[pessim-optimist]

I suppose because I feel like it's "my job" and that I'm "not doing my job right" if I'm not keeping them happy (mind you, I realize now that that's not true at all  but up until now that was what I thought…

This is typical for a lot of us who grew up with unhealthy parents. We were the emotional caretakers - it was our responsibility to keep them happy... .

We did not develop healthy and appropriate boundaries: 'what is my responsibility/ what isn't';  'where do I end / where do you start';

'what are my feelings/what are yours';

Yep, controlling others isnt the healthy approach.

That's the other side of the same coin... . with poor boundaries we let others barge into our territory, and so we feel the need to control them to keep ourselves safe. (again - developing healthy boundaries is the cure).

I really liked the book with the same name:    

Boundaries - Henry Cloud PhD, John Townsend PhD it is the best I have read on that topic... .

I also talked about it with another volunteer and eventually ended up sending him a message letting him know that I won't try to get in his way when it comes to dealing with her anymore and that I'll try to back him up more from now on.

I do not know the whole picture, so I am operating with limited insight into your situation: this may be completely right, or it may be yet another swing on the Karpman Triangle into siding with him rather than with her. Only you know the answer to that and can judge it. If you do what you believe is right from your own viewpoint, then you have a chance to be balanced.

Also, if they want to go, let them go. This is emotional blackmail.

That IS a really good point... .

As long as you can be blackmailed, you will be susceptible to being pulled back into the Triangle.

The way out of this Triangle is to try to facilitate them solving their problems between each other, rather than stepping in-between them as a mediator.

This is a quote from one of this site's resources:

Triangulation was originally characterized by Murray Bowen MD as the “process whereby a two-party relationship that is experiencing tension will naturally involve a third party to reduce tension”.

Simply put, when a two-person relationship becomes strained the individuals will tolerate only a small amount of tension before they involve a third person. The resulting triangle can hold much more tension because the tension can be shifted around the three relationships.

We all do this. Triangles often help us cope when we are struggling with another person. Triangulation can be a very stabilizing factor in a family. Triangulation can also be a very polarizing and destructive dynamic.

What determines the difference between stabilizing and polarizing? Typically the third person being brought into the triangle and how this person responds - whether they help the parties resolve the struggle between themselves or they take an active role in the tension.

[livednlearned]

justnothing,

One thing that struck me is that the personalities you are dealing with are very complex, and by complex, I mean difficult  . This triangle would be hard for anyone.

Learning boundaries is something I had to do in small steps. If I were in this triangle, it would feel very overwhelming to try and "fix" the dynamic. Could you approach it as a series of small practice steps?

For example, he blew up at you when you calmly told him to not send her messages. "Stop" is a good word to create a boundary around a bad behavior. Just "stop" -- several times if you need. Stay grounded, repeat it until he stops. Tell him you understand his anger, value what he has to say, but you will not be yelled at. If he cannot stop, walk away. Maybe email him, "I understand you are angry and I while I value what you have to say, I cannot hear it when you yell. Let's discuss this when you feel calm enough to talk it through without raising your voice."

Small steps.

With her, maybe a small boundary would be to listen when she feels so upset. Just listen, which can be very validating. If you feel that it's hard to maintain this boundary, maybe another approach would be to tell her that you understand she is upset, and that you would like to collect your thoughts and write how you feel. There are some wonderful tools here, like DEARMAN, that can help us "train" for these difficult conversations.

Boundaries take time to learn. My big aha moment was realizing that I just had to learn to slow everything down so I could respond at a pace that made sense to me. When there are big, fast, complex, and challenging personalities making demands, yelling, threatening consequences, everything speeds up and it is hard to act the way you want. Look for the boundary actions that help you hit the pause button, and then take time to figure out how you want to respond.

It also helped me to practice on total strangers first, people I would never see again. And at work, I started practicing on people when things weren't emotional, like in meetings. There is someone in my office who cuts me off a lot, so I started to stay, "I'm not finished talking." Or "Let me finish my point." It was remarkable to me how her attitude toward me shifted. Before, she had very little respect. Now, she is almost subservient.

[justnothing]

Thanks for the replies again and sorry I hadn't replied in the past few days (just got a little busy and wasn't sure what to say).

For some reason, we tend to believe we are responsible for people´s feelings. To a certain extent, we are. If I push your buttons, Im somehow responsible for your response. At least thats how I see it. But trying to make people happy is not healthy for us and maybe it comes from our childhood, where we were made to behave as parents of the PDs.

This is typical for a lot of us who grew up with unhealthy parents. We were the emotional caretakers - it was our responsibility to keep them happy... .

We did not develop healthy and appropriate boundaries: 'what is my responsibility/ what isn't';  'where do I end / where do you start';

'what are my feelings/what are yours';

Er, yeah, I daresay that had quite a bit of an impact on my way of relating to people… I also felt responsible for my mother's happiness and well being… pretty much until some time after she died… To some extent it even took some mental adaptation just to acknowledge that I have a right to go on living after her.

I do not know the whole picture, so I am operating with limited insight into your situation: this may be completely right, or it may be yet another swing on the Karpman Triangle into siding with him rather than with her. Only you know the answer to that and can judge it. If you do what you believe is right from your own viewpoint, then you have a chance to be balanced.

I really don't know tbh… my intention was basically to back off and let him deal with her himself but as it is she ended up quitting right after that and in the end I didn't have to "take sides" after all. She's also still on good terms with me and doesn’t seem to blame me for any of it.

justnothing,

One thing that struck me is that the personalities you are dealing with are very complex, and by complex, I mean difficult  . This triangle would be hard for anyone.

Learning boundaries is something I had to do in small steps. If I were in this triangle, it would feel very overwhelming to try and "fix" the dynamic. Could you approach it as a series of small practice steps?

For example, he blew up at you when you calmly told him to not send her messages. "Stop" is a good word to create a boundary around a bad behavior. Just "stop" -- several times if you need. Stay grounded, repeat it until he stops. Tell him you understand his anger, value what he has to say, but you will not be yelled at. If he cannot stop, walk away. Maybe email him, "I understand you are angry and I while I value what you have to say, I cannot hear it when you yell. Let's discuss this when you feel calm enough to talk it through without raising your voice."

Small steps.

With her, maybe a small boundary would be to listen when she feels so upset. Just listen, which can be very validating. If you feel that it's hard to maintain this boundary, maybe another approach would be to tell her that you understand she is upset, and that you would like to collect your thoughts and write how you feel. There are some wonderful tools here, like DEARMAN, that can help us "train" for these difficult conversations.

Boundaries take time to learn. My big aha moment was realizing that I just had to learn to slow everything down so I could respond at a pace that made sense to me. When there are big, fast, complex, and challenging personalities making demands, yelling, threatening consequences, everything speeds up and it is hard to act the way you want. Look for the boundary actions that help you hit the pause button, and then take time to figure out how you want to respond.

It also helped me to practice on total strangers first, people I would never see again. And at work, I started practicing on people when things weren't emotional, like in meetings. There is someone in my office who cuts me off a lot, so I started to stay, "I'm not finished talking." Or "Let me finish my point." It was remarkable to me how her attitude toward me shifted. Before, she had very little respect. Now, she is almost subservient.

Thanks, that sounds like a lot of good advice. Normally he's not that difficult or else I wouldn't have struggled to keep him around :P (and he didn't literally yell at me btw…). He might have just been angry over something else before that and it came out that way… but he had a change of attitude the minute I said I wouldn't get in his way anymore.

As it is she decided to leave (and this was without her even knowing about the talk I had with him) so there's no more triangle and no more friction right now. That being said, I do realize from all this that I should work more on boundaries because there's a good chance this won't be the last time this kind of thing happens… One of my biggest problems with setting boundaries is that I'm never sure whether I'm "really" in the right or not… so I'm never quite sure if I ought to be standing my ground or backing off… but like you say, in situations like this I should probably learn to take time to think of how to respond.

[justnothing]

Uh……... OK……. I was wrong… her leaving didn't put an end to the Karpman triangle… she came back as a regular member and at one point said something passive aggressive against him, he sent her a rather aggressive response and I responded by saying that I wasn't going to interfere in his dealings with her but that I noticed that she seems to aggravate him and I'd appreciate it if he'd at least take time to step away and calm down before reacting to her in the future. He responded to me with the usual accusation that I'm nothing more than an enabler, that I don't back him up enough and this time he's quitting.

I have a date in 20 minutes or so (the first one in over 2 years!), I've never met the guy and now I'm going to have to come up with an explanation as to why I've just been crying…

Basically what I really want to know (and what really upsets me here) is – did I do something wrong? Should I not have said anything at all to him? I wasn't going to actually but in his message he was like "I can't help but wonder what gets said to her behind my  back for her to have that kind of disrespectful attitude towards me" – and I never said a thing to her about him! ugh…

[livednlearned]

He wants to be validated.

You had good boundaries and gave him good advice. But my guess is that he wants you to validate that he is experiencing xyz. There is a tool here called SET that can be helpful: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

I think of my son when he was a toddler. When he was really upset, he couldn't listen to reason until he felt heard. We all kinda do this when we're upset, and sometimes we need to feel heard before we can calm down and listen to what someone is saying.

S.E.T. starts with signaling Support.

Words like  "Let me help you,... . "

Helping gesture with your hands

Friendly, open facial expression 

It continues with demonstrating Empathy.

Expressing the emotion the pwBPD is momentarily feeling like "... . , you are exhausted, ... . "

is very useful for S.E.T. if you have some basic experience with validation as this can help to build confidence in your ability to change your behavior and trust in your instincts to read a situation.

Plenty of material on validation found in  LESSONS: Tools for communication, validation, and reinforcement of good behavior on the staying board.

It concludes with expressing Truth.

In a non judgmental way "... . , lack of sleep accumulates. The last three nights you were in bed after midnight."

Not all truth is pleasant to the receiver as is the message above for someone neglecting to sleep in order to escape their pain. You may be afraid to tell what you truly believe as in the past telling your view resulted in rage. And if you would do it in a controlling manner i.e. you pushing the other person to change the truth will not be appreciated. However when someone is tired and is blaming everything and everyone around them - the truth can be eye opening (here eye closing wink ) for that person and a gift. The truth is offered - not pushed.

Some concepts behind S.E.T

Anyone when very excited (angry or also very happy) will not be able to think calmly and logical. This is especially true for a person suffering from BPD who is (a) very sensitive and (b) tends to be more emotional. The S.E. in S.E.T. help the pwBPD to listen in a less defensive and calmer manner. The Truth will then be more easily accepted without triggering (which is also the reason one needs to avoid being judgmental or controlling).

Truth is stubborn and does not change if we ignore it - a pwBPD needs to deal with it too. Walking on egg-shells is us contributing to the dysfunction by shielding the pwBPD from the sometimes harsh realities of life and depriving the person of feedback vital for functioning. A partnership which disconnects from reality for a longer period of time will sooner or later drift into Oz. So getting back to Kansas requires to some degree a re-grounding in reality.

As a non you repeatedly experienced that unpleasant statements are not welcome by the pwBPD - often triggering a rage. Without understanding how and what triggered (often invalidation) you resorted to egg-shell walking. Overcoming your fear and trained response patterns is not easy. But it can be helped by sticking to the robust structure of S.E.T.

So it can be tricky in a Karpmann triangle because people will be in roles -- victim, rescuer, perpetrator, etc. By validating and using SET, you aren't rescuing the guy, you're allowing him to cool his jets enough to hear what you're offering. Your boundaries don't change, but you let him know that you are here to help, that you empathize with this challenging situation, and then point out the truth. That the current way of interacting is not working, that he can take a break before responding.

I hope you can enjoy your date 

[justnothing]

He wants to be validated.

You had good boundaries and gave him good advice. But my guess is that he wants you to validate that he is experiencing xyz. There is a tool here called SET that can be helpful: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

I think of my son when he was a toddler. When he was really upset, he couldn't listen to reason until he felt heard. We all kinda do this when we're upset, and sometimes we need to feel heard before we can calm down and listen to what someone is saying.

Thanks…

Normally I do try to make sure people around me feel validated (especially since most of those people have BPD… but not him… ironically…) but with him I have a hard time telling what it's about… tbh I suspect part of it might be more about ego… and I'm not really sure what to do about that. I've just been so afraid of saying or doing anything that might upset him… and in the end no approach seemed to work… it's almost like she upsets him and his anger towards her ends up landing on me…

So it can be tricky in a Karpmann triangle because people will be in roles -- victim, rescuer, perpetrator, etc. By validating and using SET, you aren't rescuing the guy, you're allowing him to cool his jets enough to hear what you're offering. Your boundaries don't change, but you let him know that you are here to help, that you empathize with this challenging situation, and then point out the truth. That the current way of interacting is not working, that he can take a break before responding.

Yeah… I think we each tend to just slip into these roles each time… even though this time I was trying really hard not to. I was tempted to simply not say anything at all but I didn't think I should do that either…

Empathy I can do but pointing out painful truths is a tricky one :/

I hope you can enjoy your date 

Hehe, thanks :P it ended up lasting an hour and a half. He was apparently under the impression that we could just spend a little bit of time out on the town and a lot of time up at my place, that was at least one easy thing to say "no" to