After all we've been through I still want to stay so badly.

[misuniadziubek]

He told me tonight that we are over because I can't come spend next weekend with him  because I agreed to sit with my autistic bro while my parents go to Vegas. Because we only have weekends. Because I'm a slave to my parents.

I just had the most amazing three days with him ever. We just celebrated a year together last weekend.

And now he says we're done, unless I can figure out a way to fix my mistake. Because I should have asked him if it was okay. Because I have been unreliable since we started dating. Because he warned me this would happen. Because either way I'm breaking a promise to someone. And obviously he's the less important. Obviously my promise to him matters less.

And I mean I understand why he's hurt. His way of thinking is that of a child with a father they only see on weekends. And everytime the dad misses a weekend the child experiences not only disappointment but rejection, abandonment and a feeling of not being worth the parents love or time. He reacts the same to me. He dedicates his weekends to me... .and evrtuyyime I miss one, no matter what  the excuse, I'm abandoning him.m

We've had the most satisfying 4 days of those spent together... .They were passionate and fun. I hate to let go of something with so much potential. We're still very much in love. We don't have to end.

But I don't want him to hurt like this either. I know I've unknowingly hurt him. I can't change that. I still don't want to lose him no matter how unreasonable he is... . 

[Indyan]

Hi,

I guess the only sensible way is to validate his feelings ("I understand you're feeling left aside", try to have more time to spend together while reinforcing your boundaries ("I will not leave my brother alone".

[misuniadziubek]

Hi,

I guess the only sensible way is to validate his feelings ("I understand you're feeling left aside", try to have more time to spend together while reinforcing your boundaries ("I will not leave my brother alone".

There's nothing I can say right now. He has decided we are done. I tried to say all those things. He doesn't think I understand (I finally actually) and he blames everything on me, saying he does not see me changing. He gave me the worst kind of ultimatum.

I realise now he's got quite a bit of NPD going on after reading "loving the self-absorbed". And that I have some undeveloped narcissism going on of my own, after my narcissistic mother, namely the time thing. I have followed a pattern of letting him down by being consistently late in the beginning, assuming he'd adapt, and I didn't realise how much that affected him. I mean like there were times where I made him wait two hours at a time for me. That stuck with him. His time should be more important than mine xD His time is higher quality. He actually "does" important things. I don't.

My point isn't that he's right in everything . My self-esteem and ability to evaluate my own behaviors has grown strong over the last three months, so I see the parts he is correct about and where it's the NPD/BPD skewed thinking. Showing respect to others by always being reasonably on time builds rapport and is exceedingly important to certain people. I've built on that quite intensively since we started dating, to the point I've surprised people. But unforeseen circumstances do occur and I'm terrible at communicating those possibilities to him,  mostly to avoid his anger. :P I still have plenty of issues expressing my boundaries due to wanting to appease to him. This is a boundary I won't falter on. It's unfortunate if it does cost the relationship. That is entirely his choice no matter how convinced he is that he's right.

Just now, if this is the end, those 4 days have a very bittersweet flavor to them.

I'm still stronger and more confident than I ever was.

[Moselle]

Hi,

I guess the only sensible way is to validate his feelings ("I understand you're feeling left aside", try to have more time to spend together while reinforcing your boundaries ("I will not leave my brother alone".

There's nothing I can say right now. He has decided we are done. I tried to say all those things. He doesn't think I understand (I finally actually) and he blames everything on me, saying he does not see me changing. He gave me the worst kind of ultimatum.

I realise now he's got quite a bit of NPD going on after reading "loving the self-absorbed". And that I have some undeveloped narcissism going on of my own, after my narcissistic mother, namely the time thing. I have followed a pattern of letting him down by being consistently late in the beginning, assuming he'd adapt, and I didn't realise how much that affected him. I mean like there were times where I made him wait two hours at a time for me. That stuck with him. His time should be more important than mine xD His time is higher quality. He actually "does" important things. I don't.

My point isn't that he's right in everything . My self-esteem and ability to evaluate my own behaviors has grown strong over the last three months, so I see the parts he is correct about and where it's the NPD/BPD skewed thinking. Showing respect to others by always being reasonably on time builds rapport and is exceedingly important to certain people. I've built on that quite intensively since we started dating, to the point I've surprised people. But unforeseen circumstances do occur and I'm terrible at communicating those possibilities to him,  mostly to avoid his anger. :P I still have plenty of issues expressing my boundaries due to wanting to appease to him. This is a boundary I won't falter on. It's unfortunate if it does cost the relationship. That is entirely his choice no matter how convinced he is that he's right.

Just now, if this is the end, those 4 days have a very bittersweet flavor to them.

I'm still stronger and more confident than I ever was.

I'm very impressed by your healthy reasoning here, and sticking to your boundaries, as well as respecting his choices.

So sorry about his choice. Is there any chance he might come back to you later?

I have been separated from a BPD/NPD woman (my wife) for 7 months. I visited her for a week. We had 3 bad days, one devastating day (where I was kicked out, screamed at, told we are done and to speak to her lawyer in the morning etc) and then 4 passionate and loving days. It seems to be the nature of the beast. I don't know if my heart can take it.  Super high and super low all in the space of a week  

[Indyan]

I have been separated from a BPD/NPD woman (my wife) for 7 months.

So, I'm not alone... .

He's been living away for the last 3 months... .

Where's your wife staying? At least you've gor some good time .

I've had only animosity from him for the last 3 weeks... .it's hard.

[Moselle]

I have been separated from a BPD/NPD woman (my wife) for 7 months.

So, I'm not alone... .

He's been living away for the last 3 months... .

Where's your wife staying? At least you've gor some good time .

I've had only animosity from him for the last 3 weeks... .it's hard.

No Indyan, you're not alone 

I walked out and moved to a city 1500km away in January. I put 14 boundaries in and had 6 months of pure rage and hatred, every threat you can think of (divorce threat 19 times), she told lies about me, tried to destroy my reputation, wrote letters to my parents and sister telling them why she was divorcing me. Told all of our friends lies about me. Turned the children against me. I was consistent in saying I want to be friends for the children's sake, and if we can be friends, then see if there is a relationship to salvage. I just kept repeating that over and over. I refused to fight- hung up the phone or walked away when it got heated.

At 6 months I started moving on. I appologised for what I had done wrong to her, then I stopped caretaking her, I stopped paying for her therapy, stopped paying for her lifestyle. Sent her a letter that I had decided I want nurturing, respect, autonomy and reciprocation of positive behaviours in my future intimate relationship and that I did not have that in our relationship... .

She started paying for her own therapy including CBT, apologised for physically abusing me for 5 years, and said she was diagnosed with BPD traits and NPD traits. That was 7 weeks ago. Since then she has been working really hard. We are reading the book "conflict couples" which uses Dialectical Bahavioural Therapy DBT, and doesn't mention BPD once in the book. It's designed for these relationships and addresses all the issues, which we experience. She is learning new ways. But it is still very tough. She has been giving me ultimatums to try and get me back there. Promising amazing intimacy. Telling me how much she and the children miss me. I am supporting the change and keeping the positive momentum going, but proceeding with caution. I cannot go back yet. I am still dealing with the damage of 14 years of this.

Look, it was and still is tough, but I didn't have a new born

[Aussie0zborn]

I see you started by blaming yourself and taking responsibility for how he feels when you have responsibilities that he has ignored for his own benefit. He's got you right where he wants you. You should NEVER feel like that in a well balanced relationship.

Sometimes we need to look at ourselves and see why we have this overwhelming sense to appease in this way, under such circumstances and to our own detriment. I don't think you have lost anything and I'm sure your brother will appreciate your company.

[Indyan]

I walked out and moved to a city 1500km away in January. I put 14 boundaries in and had 6 months of pure rage and hatred. That's something I'm very puzzled about. Lots of people round here talk of "their replacement" but there are pwPBPD who try to stick to a r/s (although not the right way ).

What are the boundaries you put?

Since then she has been working really hard. That's good... .any major changes?

Promising amazing intimacy. LOL tempting

[Moselle]

I walked out and moved to a city 1500km away in January. I put 14 boundaries in and had 6 months of pure rage and hatred. That's something I'm very puzzled about. Lots of people round here talk of "their replacement" but there are pwPBPD who try to stick to a r/s (although not the right way ).

What are the boundaries you put?

Since then she has been working really hard. That's good... .any major changes?

Promising amazing intimacy. LOL tempting

Yes some are runners, some are clingers. Mine's a clinger.

My boundaries:

Right to dignity

Right to truth

Right to be treated kindly and with respect

Security from violence and or threats

Right to privacy

Right to leave if persecuted

The right to freedom of expression and opinion

Freedom from cruel, inhuman, or degrading treatment or punishment

Justice and fairness

The right to uninterrupted rest and leisure

Security of personal effects

Self determination and autonomy

Right to peace

Right to effective remedy for violation of these rights

Changes.

She is actively practicing the principles in the conflict couples book, but it's still very difficult. She tries to empathise, but it just isn't there. She can't yet. She reverts back to her own story and seems to forget that I am a human being :-) She's trying! She did well tonight managing her tone, and actually listened to me for a few moments. Small changes, but worth celebrating bearing in mind she was at war 7 weeks ago. I asked for a break tonight, and that I just wanted to spend some time with my three girls on skype. So she said. "What's wrong with me? Why don't you want to spend time with me" aaaarrrrgggh!

Yes tempting. But it's not really intimacy. It's sex - she likes it alot, and she has alot of self interest in the process   I've had 14 years of that. I'm actually craving sharing, closeness and connection - intimacy

[Indyan]

Yes some are runners, some are clingers. Mine's a clinger.

the way you say it makes me wonder which one's the worst  

My boundaries:

I tried to list my "boundaries" too this summer (similar to yours), and I even gave them to him. He tore up the page in front of me! I found it so insulting. I've read since then that the boundaries should be what WE do if THEY trespass them... .but it's hard to find actions for each and every boundary. Overall, just like you, refusing to live under the same roof is a way to say stop.



Small changes, but worth celebrating bearing in mind she was at war 7 weeks ago. Yes, I got that tonight too, as it was the first time uBPDbf was going to T. He sent a message to tell me we were going to MC on Saturday and to "invite me to the restaurant afterwards"(!) As my D10 says "that's much better than saying THIS IS MY HOUSE and I WANT TO SEE BABY." LOL But what a surprise. I know it's small but it's the first peaceful gesture in weeks and weeks.



I asked for a break tonight, and that I just wanted to spend some time with my three girls on skype. So she said. "What's wrong with me? Why don't you want to spend time with me" aaaarrrrgggh! Childish behaviour, reminds me of BPDbf when he plays video games, my T compared that to "the little boy with his game boy".

Yes tempting. But it's not really intimacy. It's sex - she likes it alot, and she has alot of self interest in the process   I've had 14 years of that. I'm actually craving sharing, closeness and connection - intimacy. Weird she hasn't understood that the "promises" don't work that well by now... .For me it's different, the last months (until september) sex was the only intimacy we had left. And it's never been "just" sex, but anything I could dream of connection, and the few hours afterwards too... except that the magic connection didn't survive the night   The next day he would go back to his strange behaviour and leave me again for his family. Or even say "It felt strange" when I kissed him hello (in his mind he wasn't sure that we were still together... .whatever... .BPD muddle). That hurt me too much, so I prefered to stay away from him. I felt that I didn't know anymore if sex was a trap or not... .It confused me.

It's mad, these strange considerations had never crossed my mind in my life before.  :'(

[Moselle]

Yes some are runners, some are clingers. Mine's a clinger.

the way you say it makes me wonder which one's the worst  

They're both bad! 

My boundaries:

I tried to list my "boundaries" too this summer (similar to yours), and I even gave them to him. He tore up the page in front of me! I found it so insulting. I've read since then that the boundaries should be what WE do if THEY trespass them... .but it's hard to find actions for each and every boundary. Overall, just like you, refusing to live under the same roof is a way to say stop.



Good, well done for putting them in. I laughed at her when she threw mine out - she called them "Fairy Talk" . i said "I'm not asking you to like them, I'm just telling you what they are" Boundaries is actually something i do very well now. I call her straight away. She threatened me about seeing a couple counsellor or its divorce. I replied, "threats are a boundary of mine, so I guess you have your answer. It's no". You can use the same action for each of them. You can say. "You're crossing a boundary of mine, and it hurts. Please stop or I'm going to have to leave the conversation for my own good. Gives them a choice. If they choose to carry on - leave"

Small changes, but worth celebrating bearing in mind she was at war 7 weeks ago. Yes, I got that tonight too, as it was the first time uBPDbf was going to T. He sent a message to tell me we were going to MC on Saturday and to "invite me to the restaurant afterwards"(!) As my D10 says "that's much better than saying THIS IS MY HOUSE and I WANT TO SEE BABY." LOL But what a surprise. I know it's small but it's the first peaceful gesture in weeks and weeks.



Congratulations. Well done! Keep positive momentum going. Validate his positive choices. But be careful about expectations of a peaceful evening LOL

I asked for a break tonight, and that I just wanted to spend some time with my three girls on skype. So she said. "What's wrong with me? Why don't you want to spend time with me" aaaarrrrgggh! Childish behaviour, reminds me of BPDbf when he plays video games, my T compared that to "the little boy with his game boy".

Yes, It's also knowledge that she's a pain in the A$$

Yes tempting. But it's not really intimacy. It's sex - she likes it alot, and she has alot of self interest in the process   I've had 14 years of that. I'm actually craving sharing, closeness and connection - intimacy. Weird she hasn't understood that the "promises" don't work that well by now... .For me it's different, the last months (until september) sex was the only intimacy we had left. And it's never been "just" sex, but anything I could dream of connection, and the few hours afterwards too... except that the magic connection didn't survive the night   The next day he would go back to his strange behaviour and leave me again for his family. Or even say "It felt strange" when I kissed him hello (in his mind he wasn't sure that we were still together... .whatever... .BPD muddle). That hurt me too much, so I prefered to stay away from him. I felt that I didn't know anymore if sex was a trap or not... .It confused me.

It's mad, these strange considerations had never crossed my mind in my life before.  :'(

If he's genuinely intimate, you have something to work on - that's great. Yes, it lasts for a short time before the crazy sets back in. Now that you mention it, a similar thing would happen to us. Make up sex after a major dysregulation would be passionate and followed by two to four days of peace, before the BPD kicked back in. Teh dreaded cycle of about two weeks, then it all starts again. BTW, someone needs to break that cycle and it won't be them.

[Indyan]

BTW, someone needs to break that cycle and it won't be them.

That's pure wisdom!

Everytime the cycle started again, I'd go like "here we go again... ."

I don't even know if there are aware of that cycle.

[Moselle]

BTW, someone needs to break that cycle and it won't be them.

That's pure wisdom!

Everytime the cycle started again, I'd go like "here we go again... ."

I don't even know if there are aware of that cycle.

Mine is aware, she just doesn't let on. She doesn't mean to. It's just that the denial is so strong in her.

Also, if I knew, she wouldn't be able to manipulate around it.

Having taken the lead for this seven months, and getting some positive response, I'm really questioning if I want to stay in a relationship with a 5 year old?

[Indyan]

I'm really questioning if I want to stay in a relationship with a 5 year old?

Same here - I'm sick and tired of explaining basic things over and over again.

And of making huge communication efforts.

[Moselle]

I'm wondering about my own levels of denial too. I find it quite bizarre that this could happen to me if I'm honest. It seems like a dream. Did this really happen? I guess it's the mind's way of coping with really difficult things. Time heals and it disappears. but it did happen, I'm not imagining the abuse.

[Indyan]

I'm wondering about my own levels of denial too. I find it quite bizarre that this could happen to me if I'm honest. It seems like a dream. Did this really happen? I guess it's the mind's way of coping with really difficult things. Time heals and it disappears. but it did happen, I'm not imagining the abuse.

I feel a bit like that too, I think it's the shock. Too many things have happened in a short while (2 years). If I start to look at all this altogether, I feel distressed, so I avoid doing so.