Can't be heard

[djeneba99]

I can't be heard.  My BPDh actually admitted the other day he couldn't hear much these days.  He can only hear the negative, but when I reach out to him and try to connect, he can't hear me nor can he remember those moments.

there are times I'm not exhausted and willing to be compassionate and try, but if he can't hear me, there's really not a whole lot I can do about it.

Anyone else wish they had a safe word that their BPD spouse could hear through the chatter in their mind?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

what do you want him to hear?

[djeneba99]

My compassion and concern.  My desire to talk and hear and connect

[Vincenta]

How are you doing physically with him?

Would he be open for your loving touch? A long gentle, relaxing massage perhaps (non-sexual way), before sleeping?

How you would feel about it?

Sometimes a touch can tell more than words.   

[djeneba99]

I've offered.  He shirks from it when I try or reacts in shock. 

The shame spiral is the worst I've ever seen it right now.  He feels completely unworthy of any goodness.  Friends are reaching out and he is pushing everyone away.  Its just brutal to watch.  It feels like anything he has he's reserving for the kids which I'm happy about, but man, he can.not. hear the rest of us at all.

[once removed]

it sounds like he might be depressed.

you mentioned he was recently diagnosed, and its possible he feels isolated as a result. how did he take the diagnosis?

[djeneba99]

He is depressed and the meds aren't helping at all. He sees his psychiatrist tomorrow.

AND sometimes it feels like a show.  As someone who has suffered from anx/dep myself I feel awful saying that, but its just so weird.

I don't know if he's processed the diagnosis or even what it means.  He won't engage at.all. what is going on inside of him right now.  He keeps claiming that he won't tell me because I don't ask (but... .I'm asking now?)

He just started an intensive outpatient mental health program this week with a focus on DBT.  I know its the best option for him, its just been so long since I could reach him, I'm so frustrated.  And I know he feels that and regresses more, but I'm not perfect.  I'm trying to keep life going with him like this.  and i have boundaries on how he talks to me and the kids.  And anything that is not soft and coddling is, to him, an invitation to withdraw.

[Vincenta]

djeneba,

a big big virtual   to you!

Very positive though that he has now started the outpatient mental  program with a focus on DBT.
Could it be that in the beginning of the program  there is a lot shame pouring out, fear, etc  - I think I read somewhere that the start of the program can be very difficult also to the partner, before things will turn to better... ?   

Very good also that he has appointment tomorrow.
How long has he been on meds... .? Some meds might take several weeks to kick in... .?

 

[djeneba99]

thanks for the hugs.  I'm trying to hold on, but its been so bad for so long and the substance abuse stuff has just complicated things endlessly and he's not willing to get treatment for that (again complicated as I work in the recovery community.  this isn't my first rodeo).  He claims to have stopped and he *maybe* has, but he's so sneaky, its hard to tell.  He's been on meds for years, the latest one, about 2 months now.  I think we are seeing it at its best.  But no promises he's not messing with the efficacy of them by drinking on the side.

I made an ultimatum about getting into AA or something of the like if he wants to stay in the house with the kids and I (safety reasons).  He says he will but he needs to "stabalize" first.  The dude has SO MANY tactics, I'm not 100% convinced its not one of them and regardless, while on the one hand i'm so happy he's in a good program, on the other, I question, like the meds, its ability to be effective if he's high or drunk.

How do you trust someone with this disorder?  I don't really know how to move forward but I also don't want to give up if we are on the cusp of a breakthrough.

[Vincenta]

Dear Djeneba,

oh, I hear you  - my psBPD has a problem with alcohol, too and I think actually it is my SO's biggest reason for not attending any T, as he should sort out the alcohol problem first and he is not ready to give up of his self-soothing wine (or weed)... .At least in this part of Europe, the guidance is to first tackle the A or other addiction problem, before entering the DBT. - Do you live in Europe... .?

I am not at all an expert of all of this, but I could believe that also the other way around (DBT starting without AA ) might help, as most likely the reason to drink/use drugs is for self-soothing of the symptoms of PD. 
 
Ok, what did he actually mean by 'stabilizing' first? Getting new meds/adjusting them? Or starting the DBT?

And what do you mean by 'safety' reasons? Is he aggressive and/or you are afraid because of substances he might use... ?

When it comes to trust - it is difficult. I think once trust is gone, it must be re-owned. Trust means actions, not just words. And actions need time... .I have currently also similar problems with my SO. But as said, very positive that your SO is going to DBT.  It might really be a good new beginning, but certainly also will take time and patience and his commitment before any positive impacts will be shown. 

Meanwhile, you might want to have a plan how to take care of you, too. What could make you happy?

Djeneba, based on your texts you are a brave, loving partner in a difficult situation, and also a caring mother. 

And keep on posting here!


 

[djeneba99]

I’m not in Europe. That was my thinking though. The program he is in is willing to coordinate care with a substance abuse program. I even work at a program! But he “refuses” to use any of my connections.

I need to go to an alanon meeting or something. I had been doing a great job focusing on me and my life and having fun with the kids, but this weekend I wore myself out. I probably need to just up my self care game. I just talked to kid mom and she’s going to try to reach out to him. I’ll let someone erode try to reach him for the moment. He’s pushed everyone away at this point.

[Vincenta]

Hi Djeneba,

good to hear that you will try to do also something just for yourself   
it is important, both for you and the kids.

Even more important: you are safe?
 

[djeneba99]

I am safe.  He's verbally abusive, but not talking to me at the moment, so that solves that problem.

Kids are good and with friends and/or me all weekend.

[Vincenta]

Hi Djeneba,

how are you doing?
How was your weekend?