It’s happening again

[CParent]

Hi everyone, I’m so glad I’ve found this board as I know no one else can really understand the way you all can. I’d love advice, commiserating, or encouraging words. 
For the past 9 months my uBPD husband has been highly disregulated. He threatened divorce, told all his friends I’m emotionally abusive, lost his job, told me I’m the sole reason for problems in our marriage. Then he would say he wants to work on things only to have it slowly dissolve after a few weeks.
I think I triggered him last week by simply asking how he feels about our marriage. I promise I did it in a calm way as coached in communication by my therapist. It gave him panic attacks and severe depression. He says he’s asking his therapist for medication.
Then I see what he’s been reading - Overcoming Emotional Abuse. Seems like he’s back on his kick of blaming me. I know I haven’t always communicated perfectly but I’ve been in therapy for years and as my therapist asserts, my issues stem from me bottling up anger at abuse and failing to assertively communicate boundaries. These days I’m defaulting to validation and listening.
I’m tired of being blamed. I actually bought this book a while ago and now that I see he’s spending all his time reading it I’m finally getting around to reading it myself. Ironically there’s a section in there about BPD and it’s abusive affect on partners that’s actually helping me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NotAHero]

 Read the BPD specialized books especially “Stop caretaking a BPD and NPD” they will help you a lot with your own validation.

[once removed]

Then I see what he’s been reading - Overcoming Emotional Abuse. Seems like he’s back on his kick of blaming me. I know I haven’t always communicated perfectly but I’ve been in therapy for years and as my therapist asserts, my issues stem from me bottling up anger at abuse and failing to assertively communicate boundaries. These days I’m defaulting to validation and listening.
I’m tired of being blamed. I actually bought this book a while ago and now that I see he’s spending all his time reading it I’m finally getting around to reading it myself. Ironically there’s a section in there about BPD and it’s abusive affect on partners that’s actually helping me.

ostensibly, if youre both reading the same book, more power to you.

im not familiar with your backstory. but i sense, within it, a great deal of who is ultimately in the wrong and who is ultimately in the right. who is, ultimately, guilty, of this emotional abuse.

i would stipulate that its much more about the two of you, how each of you deal with conflict, and the somewhat entrenched approach the two of you are taking to the conflict between the two of you.

thats not to say that all things are equal and that both of you are equally contributing to the relationship in a negative way. but it may be about trying to resolve conflict in your way, as opposed to ultimately resolve the conflict. or, failing that, that the conflict may be unresolvable.

and thats something to consider: whether both of you are going into this with good faith. you can go into somethin with the best of intentions, and still not be ready for what the process is going to tell you.

[CParent]

Thanks, NotAHero, I'll read that book.

Once Removed - I wholeheartedly agree I am also in the wrong. I didn't handle things well, became defensive, and I suffer from my own abandonment issues. But up until a couple of months ago, I really believed I was completely at fault for the issues in our marriage. My therapist spent weeks convincing me that I'm in fact being abused. I believed it was all my fault, that I was the problem, not a co-conspirator.

Since then I've worked so hard on myself, and I can honestly say in the past 9 months I've been the best person I've ever been, someone I can be proud of. But no matter what I do, it isn't good enough for him. Now, seeing him read this book, coupled with not wearing his ring and barely speaking to me, gives me an overwhelming sense of foreboding. When he was working, both his boss and I were "at fault." When they fired him, it was all them. Now that his severance is all squared away, he's aiming all of his pain at me again. He has all day long to focus on this. And it was so incredibly bad last time. It took months of twice weekly therapy sessions to make it through, I feel like I barely made it out intact (I totally credit therapy, prayer, meditation, yoga, and most importantly my love for my kids for getting me through that). I just don't know how I can get through that again.

[Jabiru]

I'd echo NotAHero's advice to read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.

OR makes good points that took me time to realize in my marriage. It's not "all your fault" and whatever you do will likely not be enough in the pwBPD's mind. It sounds like you're a master at self-soothing through therapy, prayer, etc. You need to let him take responsibility for his own self-soothing too. It's not your job. And you don't deserve to be blamed for everything. It's always an option to say you need a timeout if things get heated.

What boundaries have you made or tried to limit the emotional abuse?

[CParent]

Jabiru, thanks for the feedback, it's spot on. I'm making an effort to live more authentically and shed my codependent habits. Interestingly, things rarely get heated these days as he's so checked out. But, when things were bad, I firmly told him he had to be nice to me. Vague I know but things did improve. If at times I've asked him to take a walk or spend time with me and he's made a face like he sucked a lemon, I would say, "oh wow, that's a strong reaction, ouch." I've told him that I'm not going to try to convince him to be with me, that I deserve better than that. And just the other day, I told him that not allowing me to talk about our relationship, something affecting my mental health, is blocking and a form of abuse.
But other than that, our interactions are fairly surface and actually polite. I struggle with this in therapy - how do I create a boundary when the person just isn't interested in spending time with me? My therapist says I go on my way and do my own thing, which is pretty much where we're at. I don't want to return to fighting but I'd like things to get more real and to have a connection again.

[Jabiru]

Hi CParent One way I've improved in my relationship with my wife is to avoid being invalidating. Maybe instead of saying, "oh wow, that's a strong reaction, ouch" which could be interpreted by a pwBPD as mocking, you could instead say, "ok, I'll go on a 15 minute walk by myself. You're more than welcome to join." then be on your way for your walk.

I don't think boundaries can make someone spend time with you. A boundary can limit unwanted behavior but not coerce someone to do something they don't want to do. For example, if yelling occurs then you could call a timeout for yourself (regardless of who yelled). Your boundary is to protect your own mental, emotional health so it is your timeout. It's not being weak. It's being strong and mature, but you don't need to reason with him when you call your timeout. Simply state you need a timeout for X minutes and exit the room.

To get him to join you in talking or anything else, I think all you can do is ask the simple question and respect his answer. If he declines, find other ways to meet your need if you really want it. Talk with people you trust or write a journal if you need to get something off your chest. Take a walk by yourself or make friends with a neighbor if you want a walking buddy. This mindset shift away from codependence and toward self care is well detailed in the Stop Caretaking book. Do any of these ideas resonate with you?

[CParent]

Thanks, Jabiru, these are great suggestions. I've been working so hard on validating so I appreciate that. I've definitely been trying to be patient (so not my strong suit) and gentle. It's hard, but in some ways it's helped me focus on MY needs which I've ignored for so long. When everything went sideways, my codependent nature came out full force and I was desperate to caretake my way back into his heart. But he refused my efforts, and with the help of my therapist I realized I can only take care of myself.

I've bought the Stop Caretaking book, I hope that's a great start for me. Really appreciate your advice, thank you!

[Secret Lily]

Hi CParent,

So sorry to hear how things are with your husband right now. I just wanted to recommend the book: "The High-Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, and Validation"

I have not finished the book yet, but so far I like it. It's easy to read and informative. I feel this book is helpful for both myself and my husband. Maybe this book will suit you too?

Hope you take good care of yourself 

[CParent]

Thanks Secret Lily! I’ll put it on my list!