Help. Borderline Husband is accusing me of cheating

[AnaisNin]

I have been married for 2 years. I am a therapist, and actually have some certification in DBT. I am quite sure my husband has borderline and possibly narcissism (not sure) but he has never been diagnosed. I am having a hard time letting go, although maybe I should. It's been a painful 2 years. My husband was in therapy for over a year but stopped. I had had enough stonewalling, inability to communicate, drama etc. and asked him for a divorce about a month ago. Of course this sent him into a panic? and he cried and cried and begged me "not to do this to him". He told me I deserve better and he promised to attend his own therapy plus couples therapy.  I agreed to the plan of improving our marriage. Then, he started acting strangely- his actions didn't match his words. On Thanksgiving, I needed a break and decided to go to a male friend's friendsgiving dinner. A group of 10 friends were there. I had fun- I didn't invite my husband because I needed a break. My husband must be stalking me or tracking my phone because he freaked out and found out where I was, and now he is accusing me of cheating. It's not true, but he believes it apparently. He has vanished. He took his clothes and computer and has cut me off. Won't answer my texts or calls. I'm feeling a wide variety of emotions-scared that he will act violently based on his delusions, relieved he is gone, confused about why he thinks i cheated, wondering if this is all just a mind game he's playing, sad because i'm losing my husband to a mental illness, crazy for all the gaslighting and stonewalling, exhausted...

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

So sorry that you’re dealing with this.    It seems things can get worse during the holidays.

You say you have a hard time letting go, what keeps you hanging on?

[NotAHero]

   Sounds like you don’t have children together. You can either see things through and continue or you can just end it and go through the breakup stages now.

 Not sure how your relationship boundaries work but is it usual not to spend a major holiday together without letting the partner know why or where you would be ? A BP person imagines things already and if you do plan to continue the relationship  you would have to anticipate their doubts and try to cull them before they start. I am sure you know this but you  can’t expect a healthy and reasonable relationship with a pwBPD unfortunately.  The decision to continue does entail so much more work on your part because the other person is mentally I’ll and has very poor coping skills.

[AnaisNin]

what keeps me hanging on is that I know DBT skills improve this disorder so so much, if you learn and use them. I am such a HUGE fan of DBT and I believe there's something in there for all. what's also keeping me hanging on is that i don't want the mental illness to win. i think it's so so sad, to let it win. i am an eternal optimist. Notahero-you have a very good point. We actually were planning on going to family later in the day to celebrate also, but you're correct. I'm having a hard time setting boundaries or even being honest. I was afraid if I told the truth and said, "hey i'm going to a friends' for 2 hours but I'll see you at my mom's later" that would have resulted in drama and chaos, anger and rage. it did anyway. i think  i'm just really burned out right now-emotionally exhausted and i'm trying to practice self care by hanging out with friends once a month, exercising, buying an overpriced fancy coffee. my husband really doesn't like it when i do any of these things. thanks, it helps to talk to people who understand and you've both given me something to think about.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s one thing to do DBT with your willing clients. How do you feel about the position you are in, as a professional who is *treating* your possibly noncompliant husband?

And how could the professional/patient relationship interfere with the intimacy of peers?

We teach very fundamental DBT principles here and even so, to implement them, there creates a bit of a divide between the *non* and the pwBPD.

How might that impact you with the breadth of knowledge you have?

[AnaisNin]

great points. I try very hard not to be my husband's (or any friend or family member's )therapist, but since I know about these skills, I have just asked him to read my books and suggested he find a therapist who knows about DBT. only ONCE have i ever said" hey i think you should looking at those distress tolerance skills now"--that didn't go over well!

But my take on it is that I try to use the skills a lot myself, so I just try to encourage or model (which also doesn't work). Ideally my dream would be to get him in an intense DBT skills program, where I can also participate in couples therapy with a therapist who also is certified in DBT.

but none of this is working. maybe i get frustrated and have a hard time letting go because i know he's not acting these ways on purpose per se, i know the word borderline is new to him, i know it takes time.

anyway, he just told me he's filing for divorce so i'll have to let go if he carries it out.

[NotAHero]

 There is no amount of knowledge that will enable the target of BPD rage to be a successful therapist. If he is willing to commit to therapy - on his own not under the threat of leaving - then there is a chance. Aside from that nothing works.

 I wouldn’t worry much about the divorce threats because at the end what he will do has nothing to do with you and all to do with himself. Trying to sway them will usually result into  them going in “recycling “ phase back and forth. That can last for a long time. Eventually they will ruin everything good you had with them and force you to leave or they will discard. My advice is that when he threatens divorce be assertive but not cold or cruel. Just assertive enough to show your resolve and boundaries but not ignoring or overly emotional either.

 Best of luck

[AnaisNin]

 i just have to add this update to get it off my chest. my husband left on Thanksgiving-appears he has moved out. He told me he is filing divorce and not to contact him. After a weekend of worrying, i did get verbal consent from him that he will not return without asking me first, and he said he would not harm my son or I. He angrily told me not to call or text him and just wait around to be served.

Ok. so i've been enjoying a quiet and calm house, and have left him alone. Last night he called to tell me he has covid. He was very scared and kept saying now he will die alone.

My response was to reassure him that he is young and otherwise healthy and chances are he will be ok. I told him there's not much I can do for him since he refuses to disclose his location to me.

Ironically, his BPD may have saved my son and I from getting covid. I'm not even a close contact since he's been gone over a week.

Oh the drama.

[NotAHero]

i just have to add this update to get it off my chest. my husband left on Thanksgiving-appears he has moved out. He told me he is filing divorce and not to contact him. After a weekend of worrying, i did get verbal consent from him that he will not return without asking me first, and he said he would not harm my son or I. He angrily told me not to call or text him and just wait around to be served.

Ok. so i've been enjoying a quiet and calm house, and have left him alone. Last night he called to tell me he has covid. He was very scared and kept saying now he will die alone.

My response was to reassure him that he is young and otherwise healthy and chances are he will be ok. I told him there's not much I can do for him since he refuses to disclose his location to me.

Ironically, his BPD may have saved my son and I from getting covid. I'm not even a close contact since he's been gone over a week.

Oh the drama.

 There is a good chance he doesn’t really have Covid. I have seen this again and again when NP or BP feel abandoned they suddenly develop serious illness. Used to be cancer but nowadays it’s Covid.   

[AnaisNin]

oh wow. you're right. i'm still a bit naive.