Somestimes I wonder...

[Parents! Get help here!]

My pwBPD40 exhibits 7 of the 9 symptoms,  he has never been diagnosed,  however I just don't know for sure.  It (believe it or not) was comforting to know that there was indeed something I could put a name to,  and know it wasn't all me.  Although I was saddened to know he had an incurable disorder,  it was at least something I could lean on.

He can't have any personal relationships with women,  he lies continually, he has intense fear of abandonment,  in fact he abandons before he is abandoned, most of the time irrational (more than not) Is angry about everything,  and blames everyone but himself. I am always anxious around him,  walking on eggshells thinking I will say something wrong. If there is no chaos he creates some just because... .   and probably has more,   but... . I also have no contact.  There are only two that he does not exhibit.

I saw a co worker at the bank one day and asked if he knew him,(not telling who I was... .   he had on the same uniform,  and he said        "Oh yeah,  I know him,  but I couldn't work with him,  I'd have to choke him."       I just smiles sweetly and my heart broke.    That told me he is the same at work.   He's been at the same job for over 25 yrs.  and must do his job well or he would not be there. (I guess)[/

He has had two failed marriages,  (the last one lasted 2 weeks) and several engagements,  that the fiancée(s) fled while he was gone.  but... . he has never been in an institution,  he  has never been  suicidal or had mutilation tendencies.

(that I know of)

I wonder if it is BPD sometimes... . I just don't know?

I don't want diagnosing, my son with something he really doesn't have.  But what else could it be? I don't want to think he is just that hard to deal with or mean.

Any thoughts?

[angeldust1]

My pwBPD40 exhibits 7 of the 9 symptoms,  he has never been diagnosed,  however I just don't know for sure.  It (believe it or not) was comforting to know that there was indeed something I could put a name to,  and know it wasn't all me.  Although I was saddened to know he had an incurable disorder,  it was at least something I could lean on.

He can't have any personal relationships with women,  he lies continually, he has intense fear of abandonment,  in fact he abandons before he is abandoned, most of the time irrational (more than not) Is angry about everything,  and blames everyone but himself. I am always anxious around him,  walking on eggshells thinking I will say something wrong. If there is no chaos he creates some just because... .   and probably has more,   but... . I also have no contact.  There are only two that he does not exhibit.

I saw a co worker at the bank one day and asked if he knew him,(not telling who I was... .   he had on the same uniform,  and he said        "Oh yeah,  I know him,  but I couldn't work with him,  I'd have to choke him."       I just smiles sweetly and my heart broke.    That told me he is the same at work.   He's been at the same job for over 25 yrs.  and must do his job well or he would not be there. (I guess)[/

He has had two failed marriages,  (the last one lasted 2 weeks) and several engagements,  that the fiancée(s) fled while he was gone.  but... . he has never been in an institution,  he  has never been  suicidal or had mutilation tendencies.

(that I know of)

I wonder if it is BPD sometimes... . I just don't know?

I don't want diagnosing, my son with something he really doesn't have.  But what else could it be? I don't want to think he is just that hard to deal with or mean.

Any thoughts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[twojaybirds]

angeldust if you are seeing similar behaviors and reading and posting on this board helps you then by all means  stay.  In my humble opinion many of the diagnosis share some similar traits... PD, NPD, Bi-polar, schizophrenia.  Only a T can often distinguish the differences.   In any case they all demand boundaries by families and caregivers.  For many of us that is why we are here: to learn boundaries and how to have full satisfying lives ourselves.

[vivekananda]

I can hear the fear in your words angeldust, I also sense you are angry too. It is difficult realising that your hopes for the young man you love are not being realised. We mothers of adult children face a lot of fears for our children.   

My pwBPD40 exhibits 7 of the 9 symptoms,  he has never been diagnosed,  however I just don't know for sure.  It (believe it or not) was comforting to know that there was indeed something I could put a name to,  and know it wasn't all me.  Although I was saddened to know he had an incurable disorder,

It is not without hope. There are people who do recover from BPD. There are parents on this board who have children in recovery, one who has a thread about it now:

Need to remember to be constantly validating

I don't want diagnosing, my son with something he really doesn't have.

Of course you want a correct diagnosis. But in the absence of one you are working with what you know best fits, BPD. My dd is 32, she has been diagnosed with PTSD, I believe this is an incorrect diagnosis. So, I am acting on what I believe is the right thing. Nevertheless, the skills I learn here are the best for me to learn whether she has BPD or PTSD. Many times our children don't get a correct diagnosis, we just have to work with what we can.

I am always anxious around him,  walking on eggshells thinking I will say something wrong. If there is no chaos he creates some just because... .   and probably has more,   but... . I also have no contact. 

Is there anything you have you learnt here that has helped you improve your relationship with your ds?

Vivek    

[celticcross]

Hi angeldust1,

I know how you feel, I was recently in contact with my dd's old therapist (whom she only saw a handful of times) about finding help for her-assuming she agrees to go, and although her therapist couldn't really tell me due to privacy laws, there was no doubt that my dd has BPD. It was this therapist who recommended the book "stop walking on eggshells" to my husband and I about 8 months ago. Prior to this, we had our suspicions but no confirmation. I asked her first therapist (a lcsw)point blank about it and she thought it might be a maturity issue. It is difficult to diagnose in teenagers, because so many traits seem typical adolescent behavior.(at the time dd was not out of control like now.) Her shrink-who only gives her meds told her she has ptsd. But you can have both, I honestly think the ptsd is what triggered her BPD to spiral. Interestingly, when dd was taking a psych course a couple of years ago, it was she who suggested that she had BPD. Because she was not out of control then, I didn't think she did. Now that all doubt is removed, I am doing my best to find dd the help she needs. I guess if nothing else, having your suspicions confirmed helps you come to terms with this insidious disorder. I hope you get all the help and support you need to cope. Wishing you peace!

[js friend]

Hi angledust,


When I first found these boards much of what was posted was about sucide attempts, self harm or self medicating with drink/drugs which made me wonder too whether my dd had BPD.  

My dd18 doesnt do any of those things to my knowledge but she fits all the other critrea for BPD. P dx dd emerging PD and said he couldnt say for definite which one, but I found so many similarities in the stories I read here and the books I have read that Iam sure Iam dealing with pwBPD.

I read a person needs to fit 5 out of the 9 critrea and if that if a person displays the same BPD's behaviours for at least 1 year then the likelihood is that they have BPD.Also knowing about the gentic link  confirmed it more for me. exh ud has many of the same behaviours. No suicide tendencies/drink or drugs that I know of with him either so maybe they both dont lean towards those particular behaviours, but he has many other BPDish behaviours which I could idenfiy with the more I read, and he aslo has an uncle with the same behaviours.

I would say dd has been displaying these a combination of these behavioours 7+ years now, but the lies began when she was 3yo.

I wanted to know what was causing my dd to behave the way she behaved.

I knew it was something more than just hormones as most people suggested it was.  I knew her behaviour was just a symptom of something bigger going on, and to me No-one would make their own life so difficult and miserable at the same time day after day on purpose... Yes dd seemed to like the drama, but from what I could see she wasnt getting any happiness from it, and seemed  to be actually destroying herself in the process :'(

So for me, from what I have read BPD seems to be the right fit.

It isnt about putting a label on dd18, It is about learning how to support her and have a better r/s.

and I can tell you  we definitley have many more better days now than when I just  "hoped"  that she would just grow out of the immature out control teen stage