Setting big boundary

[DadFromFlorida]

BP DD 31 feels entitled to party every Saturday night while my wife and I babysit her 2 YO Son.  This morning, I mentioned that we will only watch her son one night a month going forward when it comes to her social life at least until she gets a full-time job.  I did not tell her that she could not go out, I am not her parent, I just said that we will not watch him, especially all night, while she "socializes".  We won't even do it for money, which she should not be spending on babysitting/partying.  Her money is supposed to be spent ON her son.  Her immediate response was, "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?".  I told her that it was because it was our decision.  I do not have to justify it to her.  In her acceptance, she didn't say, "Ok, then, I will get a job."  Instead, it was, "Ok, then, I will create a Care.com account to hire a babysitter."

The next step will be to let her know that we will only allow a babysitter in the house if her room is at an acceptable cleanliness level.  That will be an interesting conversation.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

DadFFla,
This sounds like a tough situation and I have no experience in this area, but I’ve learned so much from searching terms here in search bar then reading conversations about those topics. I know in the last 3 months there have been at least 10 in depth discussions where grandbabies were involved. Babysitting and boundaries were specifically addressed many times.

I hope you can find those helpful discussions. Typically if the current participants have no experience with my situation a little digging here gets me food for thought. I’ve read back a few years and still find so much relevance.

One thing came to mind about your DD’s promiscuity-we require our DD to get a 3 mos BC shot if she’s living in our home. I take her to clinic and see her bandaid when she checks out. It might be too late for that if your DD is pregnant, but  it could be something to think about in future. Long acting BC.

[DadFromFlorida]

One thing came to mind about your DD’s promiscuity-we require our DD to get a 3 mos BC shot if she’s living in our home. I take her to clinic and see her bandaid when she checks out. It might be too late for that if your DD is pregnant, but  it could be something to think about in future. Long acting BC.

That is a great suggestion.  Hopefully, Medicaid covers it.

[twocrazycats]

That is a great suggestion.  Hopefully, Medicaid covers it.

My daughter is much younger, just 18, but when she was 14 I started seeing how she was with boys (hypersexual). I told her that if she wanted to have a boyfriend, she needed to be on birth control. At that point she started on the pill. I don't think she actually had a truly sexual relationship until she turned 18 this past year although I could be wrong, and at that point she herself said she wanted to switch to the implant, which lasts up to 3 years. I was happy about that. She has medical assistance in addition to being on my health care, and everything has been covered 100%. I believe it would be covered even if she only had the medical assistance (in PA). She's in college now but comes home for breaks. As long as she does, the bc will be a requirement for living in my house. I am an older mom, and I am  DONE raising kids. She can have them when she can support them on her own or is in a stable relationship with someone who can share in their support.

I hope your DD will agree to bc for the future.

[DadFromFlorida]

My daughter is much younger, just 18, but when she was 14 I started seeing how she was with boys (hypersexual). I told her that if she wanted to have a boyfriend, she needed to be on birth control. At that point she started on the pill. I don't think she actually had a truly sexual relationship until she turned 18 this past year although I could be wrong, and at that point she herself said she wanted to switch to the implant, which lasts up to 3 years. I was happy about that. She has medical assistance in addition to being on my health care, and everything has been covered 100%. I believe it would be covered even if she only had the medical assistance (in PA). She's in college now but comes home for breaks. As long as she does, the bc will be a requirement for living in my house. I am an older mom, and I am  DONE raising kids. She can have them when she can support them on her own or is in a stable relationship with someone who can share in their support.

I hope your DD will agree to bc for the future.

She has been on BC in the past, but she keeps finding reasons to stop.  She says they make her gain weight (I think her eating habits might have something to do with that, too.)  On a side note, we don't allow junk food in the house and she has lost about 30 pounds, although, I know she is hoarding some in her room.  Not having chips, sodas, cookies, etc. was one of the conditions we put in place before we allowed her to move back in.  My wife and I have lost significant weight and did not want those food triggers to be around.

Back to the original thought here, she had an IUD for a while, but she had it taken out.  She did get pregnant about 5 months ago and had an abortion, which definitely causes my wife distress.  We don't want more grandkids, but we do hate seeing someone else pay the price because of carelessness.

[DadFromFlorida]

Good news! Our DD announced that she is not pregnant.  But my wife asked her opinion (rather than suggest) about long term BC and she said that she would not because it would make her gain weight.  

So, now we are going to need to strategize on how to make long term BC a requirement for staying with us since her choices impact more than just herself.

[FaithHopeLove]

It is great she is not pregnant
 I bet that alleviates a lot of anxiety. I am not exactly sure how to approach the BC question but I do know that not all forms involve weight gain. Do you think she might actually want to get pregnant on some level?

[DadFromFlorida]

It is great she is not pregnant
 I bet that alleviates a lot of anxiety. I am not exactly sure how to approach the BC question but I do know that not all forms involve weight gain. Do you think she might actually want to get pregnant on some level?

Yes, I am pretty sure that she thinks if she gets pregnant, we won't push her to get a job.

[FaithHopeLove]

Yes, I am pretty sure that she thinks if she gets pregnant, we won't push her to get a job.

What will you really do if she gets pregnant?

[DadFromFlorida]

What will you really do if she gets pregnant?

That is the issue that could drive a wedge between my wife and me.  If I suggest that we should find her a shelter, it makes my wife uncomfortable, but yet she is the one that this impacts the most.  I am going to have to work with our therapist on this.  First, I wish my DD would act more responsibly.  But if she does get pregnant, I know what I want to do, but would struggle executing the eviction.  I don't enjoy being the bad guy.

[twocrazycats]

My daughter has been on long term bc (implant) and she has not gained any weight at all. I don't know where your daughter is getting her information, or if she's just saying it as an excuse, but no, it will not cause her to gain weight.

Glad to hear she's not pregnant. Hopefully she'll at least discuss options and plans going forward with you and your wife, since you will both be affected by what happens.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

I think it is important for you and your wife to be on the same page regarding what you will do if your daughter refuses to be on birth control before laying down that boundary. It is good that you plan on working this out with your T. I will be interested in hearing what happens.

[DadFromFlorida]

I think it is important for you and your wife to be on the same page regarding what you will do if your daughter refuses to be on birth control before laying down that boundary. It is good that you plan on working this out with your T. I will be interested in hearing what happens.

Situations like this are we my wife and I entered therapy.  My Fight or Flight response goes on steroids.  I realize that I am playing out the potential fears or things that may happen, but the problem is that they are not unfounded fears.

[FaithHopeLove]

Your fears are not unfounded at all. I am guessing your wife has fears of her own. It is great you are in therapy together. This way you can decide where you will both stand together in terms of boundaries with your daughter.

[DadFromFlorida]

Setting boundaries is so hard, even with the best intentions.  The weekend is here and we told our daughter that we would not be babysitting all night every weekend, but limit it to once a month.  My wife and I discussed it and we were going to stay strong and hold her to this agreement.  But then, my daughter hit me with a technicality:  This week is a new month.  She is so good at finding my weaknesses.  Simultaneously, she was pulling on my wife's emotional strings.  I couldn't believe it, but I caved in for this weekend, saying that it would be this the only one this month.  As soon as I said yes, my wife raised her eyebrows at me.  I had preached strength and ended up being the weak link.

I knew it was coming, I thought we had prepared, but she still caught me off guard.  This isn't about winning or losing, but is about trying to stick to our guns.  I admit, I actually went into the bathroom and had a little panic attack.  I need strength for next week.  This process can be so exhausting.

[twocrazycats]

I wouldn't necessarily consider it weakness. Technically, yes, she's right. My daughter would have thought of that technicality, too. So if that's the weekend she chooses for October, then fine, no more babysitting for the rest of the month. Stick to that, and it's not weakness at all. It is your boundary. What I might have said to my daughter in this situation is, "We can do only one weekend a month. If you choose this weekend, then you'll have to find alternatives for the rest of the month. It's your choice." I've found that saying "your choice" in these types of situation helps my dd feel she's at least a little in control.

Even if you babysit this weekend, as long as you stay strong about not giving in for a second weekend in October, you've still maintained your boundary. Even though it might not be the way you imagined it originally.

[DadFromFlorida]

I wouldn't necessarily consider it weakness. Technically, yes, she's right. My daughter would have thought of that technicality, too. So if that's the weekend she chooses for October, then fine, no more babysitting for the rest of the month. Stick to that, and it's not weakness at all. It is your boundary. What I might have said to my daughter in this situation is, "We can do only one weekend a month. If you choose this weekend, then you'll have to find alternatives for the rest of the month. It's your choice." I've found that saying "your choice" in these types of situation helps my dd feel she's at least a little in control.

Even if you babysit this weekend, as long as you stay strong about not giving in for a second weekend in October, you've still maintained your boundary. Even though it might not be the way you imagined it originally.

Where is the like button?    Thanks for the feedback.

[FaithHopeLove]

Please don't be too hard on yourself. You and your wife are making great progress with setting healthy boundaries that will benefit all of you.