Don't know what to do

[peppersnap]

Last night DD16 had some friends over to stay the night. They seemed fine - watched Grease, sang along - lots of giggling etc. At ten pm I went to bed and they were sitting talking in DD's room.

For some reason I couldn't sleep and at around eleven pm I heard the safety chain on the front door being taken off and the door opening. I went downstairs and the front door was standing open. Because I live in a small Victorian house when the front door is open it blocks the bottom of the stairs and so I couldn't see out.

I called out 'why is the front door open?' and got no response. So I called again and came down to push the door partially shut so I could get off the stairs. At that moment two of the girls appeared on the doortstep holding a third girl with her head thrown back so I couldn't tell which girl it was. One of the girls doing the carrying said 'Please help.' So I called my DD's name with no response. Then I called again and tried to get round the door to lift her up. At which point my DD (it was her being carried) sprang out of their arms like nothing was the matter and said 'I'm fine!' and went into her room. I was really freaked out and shouted at her to come out. The other girls went into the living room and so I went into my DD's room.

She said again she was fine and I just stood there feeling helpless. Clearly she wasn't fine. I told her we couldn't go on like this. She stopped taking her medication last week because it was giving her really strong dissociation and suicidal feelings. I've asked for a new psychiatrist because the old one was so useless (the old one emailed me last week asking why DD didn't want to see him anymore so I emailed the reasons back and he hasn't even replied). I don't think it's safe for her to just stop taking the medication but I can see why she would feel she should. Since stopping taking it she's been much more pleasant and engaged.

Anyway I told her how scared I was and she gave me a hug and as we were hugging she told me that she's broken up with her boyfriend. I asked why and she said 'because he's going to some other girls house for her birthday'. This boy seems completely into her - they've been best friends for a couple of years and together for 8 months - they had a lovely Valentine's Day and she seemed really happy. Before she's talked about feeling insecure about him and how she doesn't know if it's healthy for her to be with anyone, but she really loves him and said he treats her really well and makes her really happy. He has also been talking to her as if they'll be together forever and she's said that's weird and she knows they won't.

So I don't know if she finished with him because he did anything really wrong, because she can't handle the insecurity, or he was coming on too strong and freaking her out. Whichever, I'm terrified because the last relationship she had that finished sent her totally over the edge.

She only has seven weeks of school left before her exams. She's going to have to see him every day and I know that was what destroyed her with the last boy. Also I think this boy is going to be devastated and I don't know how she's going to deal with that. He's seemed like a very stabilising and supportive influence for her. She just said, 'I'm okay, I was just feeling sad and I had to get some air, that's why I went outside.' But why were they carrying her back in? My sister said ':)oes she realise what she's putting you through?' and I said 'I don't think she can control it.' My sister then said 'But she can just snap out of it when she wants to, when you came downstairs.' Which is true. But also seems like fairly typical BPD.

Her school has just told another two pupils with mental health issues that they can't come back for the last seven weeks as other parents had complained about the 'influence' on their own children. To me that shows a disgusting lack of care on the part of the school and the parents. I'm terrified they'll tell DD the same if they know about last night - I'm supposed to be going in to school to talk about her progress tomorrow. Added to that, after saying she hated the school and wants to leave for the past three years, she's now saying she might want to stay for sixth form. I don't like the school, don't feel they are supportive or knowledgeable, and also since it's a private school I have to pay fees I can't afford (we do get a massive bursary but I'm a single parent and even the reduced amount is a struggle). The course she would do at her present school is supposed to be much more stressful too which I think would be a bad thing, but would give her a much better chance of doing the kind of degree course she wants to do. Also she doesn't want to have to explain to a new school everything that has been going on, which I can understand. She also has an automatic place at her present school (but it depends on grades, and I don't know if she'll get them) where she's competing with lots of others for places at the other school. Her now-ex is staying on at her present school so maybe she'll want to change.

sorry for long post, I just needed to splurge  :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

That is such a tough, and somewhat bizarre situation.  I don't blame you for being confused.  What do you think happened?  I was talking to a dr yesterday and she reminded me how volatile our kids are.  Everything can be perfect and just one thing going wrong can set them off. 

That's interesting about the school.  What do they do with this kids while they are home for 7 weeks?  Do they offer home-bound classes or anything?  That would be scary to leave these kids home for 7 weeks with nothing to keep them occupied.

[peppersnap]

As far as I know the school are not doing anything for those kids. They're just out - they have to find somewhere else to do their exams. Shocking.

[peppersnap]

She still won't talk about what happened or why she left the house, or why her friends were carrying her back in, apparently catatonic. She's pleasant when spoken to, if subdued, and polite, which is a massive difference from the past. Is it an improvement? Or is she just masking better? I can't tell.

I know teenagers can be secretive and many wouldn't want to talk about splitting up with a boyfriend, but I just feel so so sad sometimes because I feel like she doesn't trust me at all. With my other kids, if they have problems, it may take them a while, but eventually they will come to me, we'll talk and either work out a plan to change a difficult situation or we at least talk through their feelings and leave feeling better. With DD she just shuts down. I feel sad for her because I can see her struggling and refusing all help, and selfishly I feel sad because I wish we had that close relationship. It really breaks my heart.

I know some of this is to do with her dad (my ex, I think prob udPD either NPD or BPD or both) where I was criticised, pushed away, cheated on and lied to for years. I'm trying not to conflate the two but sometimes it feels I'm back trapped in that abusive relationship. Hate feeling like this.

[peppersnap]

I guess what I'm worried about is that she was trying to get knocked over or something last night. I've removed medicaiton and razors etc but if she leaves the house in the middle of the night I won't necessarily know and if she was to walk in front of a vehicle I couldn't stop it.

[pessim-optimist]

That must be worrisome... . And I agree it is somewhat bizarre and confusing... .

Did you get a chance to hear the other girls' story on what happened?