Question about FOG

[penny52]

Hi, my udBPD daughter 27 has been having problems since Christmas, I have been doing pretty good in just letting her do her thing and trying to valid and not give my usual mother advice too. I have also keeping my  boundaries in place, but I think I blew it, her new bf took too many of her anti-anxiety and ended up the hospital, also she has been telling everyone she has cancer, she doesn't, it ended up being a std, I think she is abusing prescription meds too.  I was worried and stressed about the grandkids, so I had them stay at my house while she was figuring out what was wrong with her physically. It was about 4 days and nights, the day she was suppose come and get them I called her and asked if she wanted to stay at my house for a couple of days since she wasn’t feeling well, she said no, that I’m mean to her, ok, can the kids stay until you feel better, oops, shouldn’t have done that, she threaten to call the police to come and get them. I told her no, she could just come and get them. Then she starting yelling and I got mad and yelled back, I told her I had enough of the lying and manipulation, she had the exboyfriend come and get the kids (he says the new boyfriend is gone). Now I haven’t heard from her for 4 days, should I call? I feel I didn’t handle this right and I’m worried about the grandkids. Am I just in an awful FOG situation?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[understandnow]

This is a tough one.  I also have a son a Dil both with BPD and grandchildren are involved.  I think it is very challenging if not the most challenging thing to do to set boundaries and stick to them when there are grandchildren involved.  I understand your dilemma.

Could you just drop her a text and say you are thinking about her and love her.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. 

Usually a couple of days of distance works well.  I know you were acting from a loving place. 

Keep us update.

[penny52]

Thanks, it is hard, now I found out they have moved about 45 minutes away, didn't even tell me, I think I'm done for awhile, feeling pretty bad at the moment.

[Eyeamme]

Penny,

I am in the same situation.  I have decided that since my daughter and I can't seem to be on the same page right now then I will take this time to mourn the loss of the relationship I wish it were but it isn't.  I too don't get to talk to them but I feel hopeful that one day I will see them again one way or another.

Hang in there.  It is painful.  I still cry but in my heart I know that *I* deserve to take care of myself with boundaries that can not be broken.  My boundary is that I deserve a modicum of respect. Right now she can't give that to me so there is no relationship right now.  I know she is safe and the kids are safe and I know her husband is wonderful.  I don't have to worry and the rest is up to her.

[penny52]

I just need to move on, and be there for the grandkids if it comes to that, hopefully not, thank you.