I’m Still Here, He’s Still Silent

[2Loyal2Long]

Hi Everyone,

I’ve been away for about a month, working with my therapist.  Yesterday was my uBPDh’s birthday.  Against the advice of my Alanon sponsor I chose to send him a simple birthday card.  I’m not about to go against my beliefs and values and do a tit for tat because he ignored my birthday in December.  I kept it light, what I wrote in the card, and let him know God loves him.  I’d rather have a heart of forgiveness.  No matter how this turns out, I still love him and I understand better through therapy now that he’s not well and is doing the best he can at this time.  His heart is still hardened towards me and we haven’t spoken in two weeks.  This is a first for me, I quit reaching out.  He’s just flat and generally doesn’t respond.

I’m sure his elderly dad walking out on his mom last October hasn’t helped and his mother has been going downhill ever since.  She’s been hospitalized three times in two months.  I just thought it best to acknowledge his birthday and give him space while I pray for him.

And?  Ta dum, drum roll please . . . I’m working on myself.  I don’t know if I’ll ever hear from him again and he’s used to me breaking down and chasing him.  I decided to change up the dance and work on making my own self a better person to live with.  I’m simply enjoying my own company even though there’s times of deep loneliness.  Still, I have my faith and attend church.  I’m doing my best.

Just wanted to say hi to my buddies here.  I’ve been thinking about you all quite a bit and wanted to let you know I’m not gone.

Hugs to everyone!  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Carguy]

Hi 2loyal!

I totally understand this cause I'm in the exact same spot. My ex BPD and I have recycled many times over the last four years. Since last summer we were not technically in a relationship (although it was like we were) and after pushing me away again, in November she told me we were just friends and she wanted limited contact and told me to go live my life. I dated another woman for two weeks and she is extremely angry about that and it's hardened her heart to me. I am going on 10 days of no contact now and it is hard. I too still love her but she doesn't want contact with me. I guess this is for the best for now. She told me that coming around only pushes her further away.

I guess all we can do is hope for the best. I am very thankful for this group! They have helped me a lot!

[2Loyal2Long]

Thanks for your reply and letting me know I’m not alone in this, neither are you.  I can identify with the pain and confusion you must feel, my heart goes out to you.

My therapist explained that my uBPDh (we’ve been separated but not divorced going on 2 1/2 years) views me as a possession, it’s the illness:  “I don’t want you but I don’t want anyone else to have you,” it’s the classic BPD push-pull dynamic.  She said despite the illness she has no doubt that he loves/loved me (who knows at this point?), he just never developed higher levels of processing thoughts and emotions.  Thinking too much and projecting the worst case scenario is his biggest dilemma and his FOO is where the cognitive dysfunction developed.  Now that he’s been exposed to his highly dysfunctional family since leaving he’s regressed hugely.  He’d made incredible progress while we were living together but I still knew I was an emotional caretaker.

Soo, for now I’m working on me.  God help me, if he ever attempts to ‘come close’ again I’m going to have to have some concrete, self loving boundaries in place.

The greatest thing I’ve learned so far in therapy is how I got into this relationship and why I’ve fought to make it work (trauma bond).  She explained that my mother, most likely subconsciously due to her own childhood damage, used the intermittent positive reinforcement schedule in my childhood (which I’d already figured out and asked a clueless former therapist why she missed it, she didn’t have an answer which is why I no longer waste time and money with her).  It is THE MOST ADDICTIVE behavior reinforcement schedule  and the hardest behavior to extinguish (go look up the Skinner Study, 1950’s).

There you have it.  I learned to navigate my way through childhood in order to survive on limited amounts of love and comfort and every relationship since my childhood, with men, has been a repeat of the nightmare.  So I have to do the changing and stop rewarding unacceptable, intolerable behavior that does not align with my values.  My h is struggling with his own demons, that’s his responsibility to fix if he gets uncomfortable enough.  My job is to respect myself and have clear boundaries while expressing my needs with confidence and self love.  I can’t make anyone change but my behavior for the better can influence those around me.

Because I didn’t have boundaries in the beginning of our relationship and didn’t learn them in childhood because my parents had none and didn’t have good teachers themselves, I learned my own dysfunctional behavior.  That’s changing.  I have more self awareness now.

Here’s an example:  I made a new friend and that friend prefers texting over talking.  I get sick of texting, quite honestly.  We live on our phones.  So I ask myself “Why accept a behavior that doesn’t align with my values?  Why change me to make them comfortable at my expense?”  So I started calling this person instead.  Guess what?  They started answering the phone and talking.  Next thing I know this person is calling me.  We still text because life is busy but, because I changed my own behavior and modeled something different, it changed the dance.

Go figure.

As I look back and see how my h’s behavior of running in the beginning was reinforced by me tolerating it, it’s now a 16 1/2 year, thoroughly entrenched behavior.

Guess who’s not chasing him anymore and rewarding unacceptable behavior?

The story continues . . .

Stay in touch, I want to hear how you’re doing!

[Carguy]

Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone either!

Much like you I was talking to a therapist too until I found out my employer's heath plan wouldn't pay for it.

 The first year and a half was great with only the occasional disregulation but then because of issues with her apartment (she said water leak and possible mold affecting them)  I allowed her and her two kids to move in. We were talking about marriage at this point. The first several months were great. We were a family. Then things started going downhill. After living together 8 months she got another apartment and moved out right after our huge argument Christmas eve (still holding it against me).

We recycled several times after that. I didn't understand or know what to think about the behaviour. I thought she was trying to be mean, cold, distrespectful, and using me. I would get upset because I didn't understand. Even though I'm finding out how she has vilified me to her friends, I never flat out yelled, called her names, insulted her, or anything like that. She HAS insulted me and called me names though.

I looked online and type in the things she was doing and found a few different things I thought were possibilities. I talked to my friend who graduated from college in psychology and he told me to look into reactive attachment disorder. Finally I started seeing a therapist because I did not understand what was going on. When I told him all the things she was doing he told me to read up on BPD and that reactive attachment disorder is what happens when they are children and it becomes BPD when they become adults.

I did a lot of reading on it and reading other people's stories and it is so eerily similar that it was shocking! I started learning how to be more understanding and validating but at this point there was a lot of things she was holding against me.

The one thing I have noticed is how there is a huge double standard in this relationship. Last summer she wanted to go back to this retreat A few states away. I encouraged her, got her vehicle ready, bought her a tazer, and text and reassured her on her way there when she was having second thoughts and about to turn around. When she came home she told me she reconnected with a guy she had met there the previous summer and wanted to see where things went with him. That was a slap in the face for me. After she told me we could no longer be friends because it brought up feelings for me in her she shouldn't have since she was pursuing this other guy I ended contact for 6 weeks. When I reestablished contact I found out it never got off the ground with this other guy. We became friends again and more. We were never officially back together and she pointed this out and in November she finally told me we were just friends, she wanted limited contact, and when I asked about dating others she told me to move on with my life. That is when I dated this other woman for about 2 weeks and since then it has been mostly push with very little pull.

[2Loyal2Long]

I need support, can anyone with experience help?

I’m Day 15 NC.  I’m trying to break the toxic cycle of me chasing him.  He’s been stonewalling since 12/14 with only a few contacts that I initiated.

Please keep in mind I’m being coached by my Alanon sponsor and T to leave him alone.  I don’t want the marriage to end and I’m trying to stop my behavior, he could always count on me breaking down and reaching out.  It hurts that he hasn’t reached out, this is the longest we’ve gone without contact in 17 years.

Am I doing the right thing?  If I reach out it sends the message he’s in control.  I stopped contacting him because he wasn’t responding.

Thoughts?  Ideas?  I’m feeling pushed towards divorce even though my T said she’d support me no matter what I decided.  This is really hard, I need some support.

Thanks.

[2Loyal2Long]

I gave in, sent a brief text asking if he would be willing to speak for a few minutes.

No response.

Tried calling later, he ignored my call.  Left no voicemail.  No callback.

I give up.  I’m going to get ready to file and close this chapter.  I’ve lost nearly 17 years of my life to a man who thinks only of himself.  I gave up my childbearing years, for what?  A divorce?

Sometimes prayers just don’t get answered.

[Carguy]

I just seen your post and I'm sorry to hear. I understand where you are at because I'm in the same spot myself. Today is day 15 of no contact for me and yesterday I almost gave in and contacted her. I too have done that in the past. The urge is still there but for me she says she doesn't want to talk so I'm probably best to respect that.

I know it's very hard. You love that other person so much and yet they won't respond. It leaves us to question everything and it hurts. More than anything we want them to try like we are trying. From what I read you have been trying hard.

Ultimately divorce is something you have to truly decide in your heart but it might not be a bad idea to give it a few days to think it over. You may feel different about it by then. No need to rush into anything until you are sure.

I'm not sure myself what would be the best next move if you decide to continue trying but maybe some of the others on this board would?

[Ozzie101]

You’re in a difficult position, 2Loyal2Long and I’m so sorry.

Silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse — and there’s a legitimate reason it falls into the abuse category. It’s cruel.

So far, you’ve been giving in and contacting him. As your sponsor and therapist have indicated, that’s playing into his “game.” The best thing you can do is stop. Completely. Easier said than done, I know.

As Carguy says, only you can decide what the future of your marriage holds.

If you want to keep trying on the marriage, I would stop reaching out. Sounds counterintuitive, I know, but there’s an unhealthy dynamic and pattern in place. Go NC. If he decides he wants to reach out, let him and respond. But stop being the one who runs. If he never does? Then you have your answer. If only one person wants to save a relationship, it can’t be saved. (My opinion there.)

Regardless of outcome, focus on you. Keep up your therapy. Do things you enjoy. Cultivate friendships. Build your emotional bank account.

And we’re here for you to walk with you along whatever road you end up taking.

By the way, not trying to get too deep into theology, but I believe prayers are always answered — just not necessarily in the way we want or expect.

[2Loyal2Long]

Thanks to you both, I was really struggling with self pity when I wrote that.

I’m not rushing into anything.  My heart just isn’t into divorce so I’m going to listen to you all.  It wasn’t that long ago he claimed to love me but said he was really confused.

My fear?  The longer we go without contact, the less I feel I know who he is anymore.  I’m afraid he’ll just forget I ever existed.  About a year and a half ago when he was struggling with depression and had no goals, he was just existing with his parents, he said, “You’re not easy to forget,” and he had a real wistful, sad look on his face.  I don’t think he has any clue who he even is anymore and I think he’s struggling with losing his parents.  They’re extremely old and have both been declining in health.

For all the angry things I’ve written, the hopelessness, the frustration and despair, there’s a lot I haven’t shared about how good it was.  He stood by me through my mom’s extended illness and hours before she died we made a promise to her together at her bedside, privately, that we would be together until death do us part.  We both meant it at the time.  I know I still do, I don’t think he even knows what he wants.  I think he’s that lost.

Carguy, I didn’t know we had so much in common, my thoughts are with you.

Ozzie, thank you.  I’m going to listen to you.  I’ll stop contacting him.  It may be months before I hear from him, if ever at all.

Maybe God isn’t done with me yet.

Thank you both.  If it weren’t for my faith I wouldn’t be able to hang on.

Many grateful thanks for your all’s heartfelt replies.