Newbie with BPD spouse of 27 years...the camel's back is about broken

[Zeke77]

Hello. Newbie here.
Wife and I are separated because I finally had enough of the mental/verbal abuse and the Jekyl/Hyde personality. It was actually starting to affect my physical health.
Big argument...she made a big production of leaving. I changed the locks and moved what she didn't take with her to one of our rental homes that was vacant. Started couple's therapy (again) until our therapist suggested solo sessions with me for a bit. He told me she had BPD (I didn't even know what that was) and is trying to teach me how to cope before resuming therapy as a couple.
It's been somewhat liberating to have finally set boundaries after all these years, however, the Wife is not taking this well. I have since been subjected to endless lengthy texts / calls that are all over the emotional map and filled with attempted manipulation.
This site and books my therapist recommended have the potential to be life-saving for me right now and am very appreciative for this new knowledge. I sincerely hope that I can still save 27 years of marriage.
Trying to believe in a better life...Zeke

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thankful person]

Hi Zeke and welcome,
You have come to the right place. I was in absolute despair when I first joined here last year and that was only after 3 years of marriage. It’s great that you have a therapist, one that is aware of bpd, savvy enough to recognise your wife’s condition and the truth of what goes on between you. I understand therapists are often fooled by bpd and some don’t understand much about it. It’s also great that the therapist is working with you alone to help you. I didn’t have any of that. I learnt everything I know from the site here, the amazing people on the forum and the bpd books I have read. I have absolutely turned my life around and my wife hasn’t been to therapy or anything, but she has changed in response to me changing. There is hope. I wish you all the best. Keep posting on here if you need any help or support. They are actually the best people I’ve ever known on here. I can never thank them enough.

[alterK]

Welcome, Zeke! You have a big task ahead of you, but as Thankful says, you will find support here. If your W is used to your former ways of relating, she will be at a loss as to how to respond if you are changing. She will probably do all she can to get you to go back to old patterns. Abandonment is often a big issue for someone with BPD. The desperate calls and texts can be pretty stressful for you.
 
Learning how to deal more constructively with our partners takes work. It sounds like you are moving in a positive direction and have a helpful therapist. Don't be too hard on yourself if you stumble from time to time. Especially if you are hoping your W will start treating you differently, you will need patience, with her and with yourself. You can bring specific problems here if you need to.

[PeteWitsend]

This thread is amazing because it answers the question @zondolit posed in this thread (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=352662.0) a day or two ago.  

I think this is how a MC SHOULD handle it, but I gather from most of our experiences here, too often the MC glosses over or outright ignores the potential mental illness or disorders of one partner, and takes the hamfisted approach of trying to get them to improve communication, which is like trying to use a bandaid to plug a gushing hole in a watermain.

I can understand that MC is really not a venue to diagnose and address one party's mental illness; but I think it's unprofessional none-the-less for MCs to therefore simply keep taking their money and wasting their time, while they know, or SHOULD KNOW that any improvement is futile, and is maybe even enabling further abuse of the non-disordered partner.

[PeteWitsend]

...
This site and books my therapist recommended have the potential to be life-saving for me right now and am very appreciative for this new knowledge. I sincerely hope that I can still save 27 years of marriage.
Trying to believe in a better life...Zeke

Welcome as well.  This site is amazing and helpful, and good to commiserate with others who've gone through the same nightmare and endless circular arguments (or worse) with their BPDers.