Breaking NC is so tempting...

[Hutsepotmetworst]

8 days of NC.

Have some pictures of me together with UxBPD from a party of my company, including a really beautiful close-up of us 2 together smiling.

UxBPD has not seen these pictures. I'm really tempted to send them to her.

And I know it's just me maybe trying to "hurt her back", maybe finally convince her that I truly loved her. And that all these horrible things she called me are untrue.

I'm feeling so frustrated, for 8 months I gave her all I got, the best I could be for her and her kids. I did nothing wrong to her, just love her.

I don't even miss her now, but I just find it unbelievable difficult to handle the frustration of being treated unfairly. I have this massive urge, wanting to prove that my love for her was real and true, that I'm not the worst man she has ever known, like she called me numerous times.

I don't want her back, just want to rectify all this injustice.

Just can't cope with the lies and the false accusations.

 

Pfff, and I know that would be in vain, and that her response would only hurt me more.

[UFY]

Argh, i know exactly what you mean. The injustice in the way my ex partner now perceives me is one of the hardest things for me too.

You're right, though, that contacting her and showing her those photos would most likely achieve nothing. The thing is, she doesn't work the way you do, so things like that won't reach her, or impact her, the way you imagine they'd impact you.

It's possible that there's no 'proving' your love for her - if she couldn't connect with it when you were together, no photo or memory or story is going to make it real for her now. This is because her brain genuinely can't recognise it and accept it - I don't believe it's a choice on her part. But what I am learning to accept is that it's something you cannot change. You can't fix it, you can't make it go away, you can't heal her either from close up or from a distance... . and let me tell you, probably much like you I want nothing more than to fix it for her. But we were just temporary traveling partners on their journeys - at best, we were little experiences of love which, if there are enough of them, our ex partners might be able to piece together one day to assemble some kind of understanding that they are loved and worthy of love, etc.

But we can't make them understand that now. I'm sorry, I wish I had something more hopeful to tell you. The fact that you're here probably means your loving energy is better directed inward - there's no hope for sensible outcomes (at least with the BPDex) in any of the stories that cross these forums... . Stay strong, Hutsepotmetworst. Use your energy for healing, keep it with you instead of leaking it to her. She, sadly, probably has no use for it right now. 

[Surnia]

Hi HMW

I can so relate with your pain. 

As humans we want to be seen and accepted as we are. Not being the scapegoat or painted black forever.

So letting go means in a way: I accept being painted black, I don't try to prove the opposite. One thing that helps me sometimes: People acting like this, blaming, accusing and so on are not in a good place with themselves, no self-love.

[Learning_curve74]

I know that feeling of how unfair it all seems. When you loved them the best you knew how and then you feel betrayed. I know that's how I felt, and it sucked.

How you feel is on you though. Trying to hurt her or convince her doesn't have the ability to make you feel better. We can never really know exactly how another person thinks and feels inside their head much less control what's going on in there. We can only work on our own thoughts and feelings.

It's often suggested that when you want to write a letter to your BPDex but it would be a waste of time to actually give it to her, then you can always write it here on the forum just to get it all out. Or you can write it in a private journal or at home but not send it. You can do this as often as you feel the need, just to put your thoughts down in a coherent manner. Sometimes it really can help.

[living in the past]

 hi i am really glad you wrote this today, for i am struggling , my friend pwBPD said there i go acting weird again, all because i went by her apartment looking for her when she was gone for three weeks (in behavioral health floor in the hospital) which i didn"t know, she was mad at me because she found out from her roommate ,not me, i tried to explain i didn"t get a chance to tell her.she didn"t buy that so i said i didn"t want you to know how worried i was about you, any way that was saturday, i am not calling her and she hasn"t called me... . (cuts like a knife)   ps. you can"t make this stuff up.

[Hutsepotmetworst]

Thanks all for the   and  

Think that what I'm feeling now has a lot to do with codependency. I'm reading Codependency No More for a while now, interesting book. She tried to control all of my thoughts and feelings, it had to be all about her during the whole of the rs. And in my head it still is... .  :'(  

I'm also seeing a T for about a year now, trying to figure my own feelings and life out. But when UxBPD came into my life the T-sessions went all about her and the repercussions of her words and actions on me. So no more working on me. Time to get that back on track, I suppose.

Maybe I write all of my feelings in a letter here, it will be a very hard confrontation with myself and especially with my decisions to take all of the abuse (verbally and in the end also physically).

Time to start listening to my own gut, and have trust in my own intuition.

[bpdspell]

Eight days of No Contact is a drop in the bucket towards the journey of healing.

It's one minute, one hour and one day at a time. You have to be patient with yourself as you peel back the layers of the onion in terms of your own self-discovery.

Wanting to contact your ex and fix things makes sense when we are addicted to a pattern of believing that is is within our power to make things right.

In truth the only power you have to fix and mend yourself.

There were many times when I wanted to reunite with my ex and shake sense into him, scream at him and tell him how much he ruined me, ruined us, damaged me, hurt me, let me down, abandoned me, disappointed me but the more I learn about BPD and narcissism the more I understand that we cannot talk "sense" into a mentally ill person who has been wired from jump to think, act and behave this way since their childhoods.

What matters is what you think about yourself and working on that. We cannot change our ex's thoughts to validate us.

What helps most in this journey is asking the why's: Why do I want this person's tainted love? Why do I feel so unworthy that I desire an unhealthy person's love? Why did I allow this person to treat me like trash? Why am I attracted to such damaged goods? Why don't I love myself as much as I love this person?

Good questions to start with….

Spell

[seeking balance]

Hey Hut!

You are doing some big reading - Codependent No More is great, heavy stuff for sure.

For me, I found when I wanted to break NC, it was related to one of the 10 False Beliefs from article 9.

Read the full article here:  https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

Summary:

1      Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

2      Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

3      Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

4      Belief that love can prevail

5      Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be

6      Clinging to the words that were said

7      Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

8      Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

9      Belief that you need to stay to help them

10      Belief that they have seen the light

Any of these ring true for you?

Peace,

SB

[State85]

There were many times when I wanted to reunite with my ex and shake sense into him, scream at him and tell him how much he ruined me, ruined us, damaged me, hurt me, let me down, abandoned me, disappointed me but the more I learn about BPD and narcissism the more I understand that we cannot talk "sense" into a mentally ill person who has been wired from jump to think, act and behave this way since their childhoods.

I've done this to no avail. It only gives them an opportunity to lash out at you once again. They thrive on attention, whether positive or negative.

[myself]

I thought about contacting my ex recently. To tell her more of how I see the truth of us. To share some things that are going on with me. To see how she's been doing. To see if she still thinks about me. These and other reasons. My thoughts went to how badly she would probably respond. How it would cause more hurts for me. How my expectations and hopes would not be met. How that was on me, not her. I know how she'd act, it happened many times before. The 10 Beliefs that Keep Us Stuck went through my head and every one of them helped keep me from contacting her. They are a mirror we can look into to see where we are coming from and where we want to go. Where it is possible to go, if we go there.

[DownandOut]

I've been feeling like you have for approx. 6 months now. There are so many things I want to say, but if you think about it, you probably said it all already - or at least enough that a normal human being would get what you were saying and you would have closure. There is no closure and that is the killer. I have tried breaking it down as simple as possible, which is very difficult to do for something so complex as a BPD r/s. However, simple is ideal. I'd like to quote something I got from this site, simply, "the reality is you once loved someone, tried to help, but couldn't and had to let go for your own best interest." All of the other things don't mean much. The point is you did the best you can in the situation and, no matter what you would've done differently, the ending is always the same. What you say now will not make a difference, although I do believe that depending on the pwBPD, they do hear what you have to say and process it before it goes through the wood-chipper that is their mind. Nevertheless, once it goes through the wood-chipper it is lost forever and will not change where you are.

[Hutsepotmetworst]

9      Belief that you need to stay to help them

To me, it's especially this one that keeps going through my mind.

Probably I'm the only one who sees her BPD-face and knows it for what it is. Well, that's what's in my head ;-)

Who else is going to hold a mirror at her face, and (maybe) let her see what she does ?

[DownandOut]

9      Belief that you need to stay to help them

To me, it's especially this one that keeps going through my mind.

Probably I'm the only one who sees her BPD-face and knows it for what it is. Well, that's what's in my head ;-)

Who else is going to hold a mirror at her face, and (maybe) let her see what she does ?

I held up the mirror to her face when I called her out on all her nonsense that she pulled for 2 years. Her response was that I was trying to make myself feel better by making her feel like sht!  amazing considering the fact that what made ME feel like sht was finally seeing her true colors and having to live with the pain she caused me.

[seeking balance]

9      Belief that you need to stay to help them

To me, it's especially this one that keeps going through my mind.

Probably I'm the only one who sees her BPD-face and knows it for what it is. Well, that's what's in my head ;-)

Who else is going to hold a mirror at her face, and (maybe) let her see what she does ?

Yeah, I thought that too.  The full explanation of this false belief was quite eye-opening for me:

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”.

The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned.

Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this.

We also need to question your own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer?

More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we are attempt to help anyone else.

You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival.

If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

[myself]

Who else is going to hold a mirror at her face, and (maybe) let her see what she does ?

She has to do it for herself. Her whole life has been a mirror for her to look into but when she chooses not to she doesn't see herself. My ex held mirrors up to everyone else in her life, but when anyone held one up to her she avoided it by projecting what she saw back onto them. It never stuck.

They discard and hurt us so they can feel they broke those mirrors.

Looking into our own mirrors, we see what we have done, and what we still can do. For ourselves.

[santa]

I promise you that if you break NC, you'll regret it. Nothing good can come from it. Don't do it.