I am pursuing sole custody of our son,

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I feel so trapped- my wife has a psych education, social service background... .is the daughter of and the granddaughter of two grandmothers who all lost custody of their children in their 30's- Our 7 years together have been an intense emotional rollercoaster that I only recently have some clarity about. She displays strong characteristics of Bipolar- having spent last winter and spring in an intense depression where she regularly said she wanted to die, to this summer- a euphoria of grandiose thinking that led to her leaving me for a 40 yr old carpenter with no HS diploma who lives in a basement- she moved in with him a week after meeting- abandoning me and our son (I am 32, an architect, and we live on a small farm nearby). This correlated with her going to NY with her "lover" to audition for the voice- I have professional voice training- I can say with a degree of objectivity that my wife has no future as a singer- and yet, she was convinced to the point that even after being turned down she insisted that Madonna was personally interested in her. After starting to see a therapist it became obvious that she was a textbook boarderline sufferer and that so much of our difficulties were placed in perspective by that set of information.

Now I am pursuing sole custody of our son,  whom she has a dependent relationship- who clings to her attention, but scares him, in a state where 50/50 is the rule unless you can prove immediate danger to the child. To everyone immediately involved she is, and has not been a presence for 6months, but is fixated on shared custody and the financial retribution it may afford- after all- "she has supported me for 8 years", "I drove her into this man's arms", she was emotionally vulnerable, but, is doing this as an act of strength and independence... .Anyway- I have a great attorney paid for by her father, supportive people in my life... .however, translating what everyone else sees into court seems like a difficult proposition given the cookie cutter divorce process. There is a GAL, etc. - all seems like a slippery slope as she presents herself well, as a victim, and has built a case- flimsy as it is, against me.

She acknowledges being mentally ill but is afraid of being identified as such and medicated like her mother- so we are both in the fights of our lives- which will come heads to head... .My attorney will be addressing her this week with a financial plan and the proposal for sole custody- with visitation.

Does anyone have any insight into how to present this issue to the court in light of child welfare?

[ttct]

I feel so trapped- my wife has a psych education, social service background... .is the daughter of and the granddaughter of two grandmothers who all lost custody of their children in their 30's- Our 7 years together have been an intense emotional rollercoaster that I only recently have some clarity about. She displays strong characteristics of Bipolar- having spent last winter and spring in an intense depression where she regularly said she wanted to die, to this summer- a euphoria of grandiose thinking that led to her leaving me for a 40 yr old carpenter with no HS diploma who lives in a basement- she moved in with him a week after meeting- abandoning me and our son (I am 32, an architect, and we live on a small farm nearby). This correlated with her going to NY with her "lover" to audition for the voice- I have professional voice training- I can say with a degree of objectivity that my wife has no future as a singer- and yet, she was convinced to the point that even after being turned down she insisted that Madonna was personally interested in her. After starting to see a therapist it became obvious that she was a textbook boarderline sufferer and that so much of our difficulties were placed in perspective by that set of information.

Now I am pursuing sole custody of our son,  whom she has a dependent relationship- who clings to her attention, but scares him, in a state where 50/50 is the rule unless you can prove immediate danger to the child. To everyone immediately involved she is, and has not been a presence for 6months, but is fixated on shared custody and the financial retribution it may afford- after all- "she has supported me for 8 years", "I drove her into this man's arms", she was emotionally vulnerable, but, is doing this as an act of strength and independence... .Anyway- I have a great attorney paid for by her father, supportive people in my life... .however, translating what everyone else sees into court seems like a difficult proposition given the cookie cutter divorce process. There is a GAL, etc. - all seems like a slippery slope as she presents herself well, as a victim, and has built a case- flimsy as it is, against me.

She acknowledges being mentally ill but is afraid of being identified as such and medicated like her mother- so we are both in the fights of our lives- which will come heads to head... .My attorney will be addressing her this week with a financial plan and the proposal for sole custody- with visitation.

Does anyone have any insight into how to present this issue to the court in light of child welfare?

[ForeverDad]

My overall thoughts are that you shouldn't back down on your offer regarding custody and parenting time.  Right now she's pushing for as much as she can.  But the reality is that if no agreement is reached then it is decided by the court.  The documented actions, patterns and history will all be reflected in the recommendations to the court by the custody evaluator, Guardian ad Litem, etc.

So it might be enough to get more than 50/50.  Not a guarantee, but the point is that the closer you get to a big hearing or trial, she is more likely to settle.  That's what has happened with many members here.  Court often orders mediation first and we generally couldn't get the other to negotiate, it was too early in the process.  However, last minute settlements "on the court house steps" are typical.  In my case, my ex delayed the case as long as she could, both due to her entitlement and also because she had a very favorable temp order.  But when I arrived at the court house on Trial Day five minutes before the trial was scheduled to begin I was greeted with the news that she was at last ready to settle.  But it took nearly two years going through the court's checklist of events to get there.

You may have to suffer through mediation attempts, evaluations, settlement attempts, etc, but at some point her sense of self-preservation (not risking her Mask of Seeming Normalcy) will probably kick in.  In that case, be prepared to give her some little perks so she feels like she "won" something and didn't "lose".  Remember, she probably sees things largely as Black OR White, it's hard for her to see the Gray in life.

How to address the court's possible reluctance to grant sole custody without hugely extreme issues?  Keep in mind that many courts do split parenting in two — (1) legal custody for major decisions in life and (2) the parenting schedule.  One option, if available in your state, is to ponder whether you should settle for Joint Custody (lets her posture as an involved mother and so neither of you "lose" but with you having Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  Combine that with you remaining the 'primary' parent with majority time, that might be enough.  Still good to keep trying for sole custody but that might be a fallback position to hold in reserve.

* These are essentially almost like sole custody but allow the other parent to still say it is joint custody, language the courts seem to prefer:

DM - Decision Making -- You have final decision, proceed and notify Ex of your decision.

TM - Tie Breaker -- You seek agreement from Ex on major decisions first but you have final decision, proceed and notify Ex of your decision.

That she left and didn't take the children with her is something notable.  How much it might sway the court or professionals is hard to say, mothers still get a lot of default preference, though unstated and unwritten.

That you have the support of her father, that blood didn't win out over water, speaks volumes.

[ttct]

Thank you for your thoughts, and re-assurance-

In terms of gauging reaction and reaching a favorable ends do I come out "guns blazing" looking for sole physical/sole legal and then if necessary back down to primary? My lawyer is confident and experienced, but I had trouble finding one where I am with specific personality disorder awareness/experience; my wife is charming and beautiful and has a way with people- then there is the control and manipulation. I agree- given that she has little money, her manic episode is over and the grandiose has not been realized, and my financial backing for legal representation will support a trial- it is hard to believe she would go very far down that road when I am offering to let her walk away debt free with some cash and to care for the child that she feels she was manipulated into having... .other days she "chose me" as the father, but never had convictions regarding monogamy- which is funny, because I was a virgin and a missionary before becoming an architect- this is so far from how i imagined my life looking- the polar opposite actually. I have great affidavits regarding her changes and this experience from her best friend, my mother who she is very close to, a student who lived with us at the time, and my therapist. Sadly, her issues with interpersonal/relationships means there are not enough people close to her that can testify. At this point it's just hard to understand what amount of information will be required to establish my case

[DreamGirl]

How old is your son?

[ttct]

How old is your son?

He will be 5 in February.

[DreamGirl]

He will be 5 in February.

So, when it comes to determining custody for a family through the court process, we can all agree that it is usually very long and very drawn out. It's always quicker and better when the parents agree.

The court really doesn't want to decide for you... .and even when we know in our heart of hearts that a child will be better taken care of by us, it's important to understand that the standard given by the court is a pretty low one. Is she employed? Does she have a residence? How often does she see your son now?

I think the first step you took in getting a good attorney is the best one you could make. (Her father paid for your attorney? What's that about?) What's he suggesting at this point?

It's also important to understand that mental illness does not equate to a parent losing custody of a child.

It's also good to know what she wants and why.

Is she worried about money?

Or is she worried about being a mama?

Or what do you think is driving her in this?

The mama to my stepkids (and why I joined the boards) really wanted 50/50 but was concerned about the monetary drop to her monthly income if she didn't have them majority time. So my husband met her part way. She agreed to his being primary for school purposes and he agreed to over pay child support by about 30%. Which is nothing compared to the thousands he saved in attorney and court fees.

ForeverDad's case is very different in that his ex-wife is overly involved in not only fighting with him but also extremely involved in being a parent. His ability to negotiate with her isn't even really an option most of the time.

[ttct]

He will be 5 in February.

In CT the court prefers 50/50 as they have deamed this most healthy for the child under regular circumstances- so in effect the state determines what is best for the child. She left the second week of July- was working sporadically as a house painter, then in October started working sporadically as a waitress, and reticently as a teacher's aid in a public elementary school. She lives in a house in a blighted urban area with her boyfriend, a lesbian couple and several children. She stays at my house (our house) a couple nights a week to visit our son, as she is bared from taking him to her other residence. She is with him from 5pm to 7am 2-3 days a week.

Her father has a similar experience with his wife/her mother and knows how terrible it can be, and wanted to protect his grandson, and feels I was in the right. He is a retired state police detective.

I understand that mental illness does not defacto lead to loss of parenting- why I am focusing on the issues associated with risk to our son, and abandonment to date. Oddly every time she gets to court she garners more info about how she is not doign what she should and ads that to her matrix of parenting information to cover the lack of intuitive skills. I will conceed sole legal custody if need be, but sole physical seems like a must as her instability is significant- she claims in a conversation that we had in August that she left her undergrad program in creative writing to pursue a psych degree because of the family occurrence of mental illness and the sense that she may be a sufferer- she claims to want to disassociate and ride the highs and lows of bipolar rather than seek the medication that she attributes to destroying her mother as a person. That rollercoaster is not a safe ride for a child. The things that she grasps as "control" and responsibility are finances, and telling others what to do- with no real grasp of being an adult

She wants partial custody because she didn't want to be a mother, but is emotionally dependent on her child.

She has always been extremely paranoid about money, now she fears being homeless or destitute. Even during a period that we lived with my parents in the house l grew up in, to help her with her parenting anxiety, she had constant fears of homelessness.

She vacillates between seeing it as a curse, a blessing, and most recently, a single mom as the ultimate victim identity.

"Individuality" is driving her in this- as it does for many BPD folks- she vehemently claims that I have been a burden to her for many years, that I have been her financial responsibility, etc. despite her being a stay-at-home mom for half of our life together, and my having significantly greater earnings over the life-span of our marriage.

My financial agreement is sacrificial- to assume our mortgage (child's residence, and my office location), our son's private school cost, his living expenses, provide her with cash to get an apartment (she has already tired of living with her boyfriend because it violates her sense of independence- and i am responsible for her... .) our credit card balance, she walks away with a late model car, cash, and only student loan debt. That is all I can do, and at that I will have to jump hurtles to keep our house; moving in with my parents temporarily is not an unattractive option.

Yes- I see no opportunity for negotiation and irrational and changing ideas that cause profound conflict within marriage- they would kill me and be harmful to our son.

[Matt]

I'm a little concerned about your use of the term "sole custody".  Not to nit-pick your words... .but at this point words are very important... .

Where I live "custody" means a few different things... .

"Legal custody" means who makes very big decisions, like major medical decisions, and where to live, and what religion the child will be raised in.  There is a strong bias toward joint legal custody;  it would be very hard for either parent - especially the dad - to get sole legal custody.

Then there's "residential custody".  That's almost always shared too, so asking for "sole residential custody" could make you look inflexible and extreme, and maybe like you're wanting to win a fight with Mom more than focusing on what's best for your son.

But unlike legal custody - which is either shared or sole - there is a whole range of solutions for residential custody.  Could be exactly 50/50, or could be "EOW" (every other weekend), which is pretty common when moms get primary custody.  Or a million other arrangements that will work best for everyone involved.

Then... .there's "primary residential custody", which only means that the child is with you more than half the time.  This is usually based on the number of nights;  if you take care of him more during the day but Mom has him more nights the court may consider her to have primary even though he spends more time with you.  (You can ask your lawyer how the courts look at this where you live.)

My suggestions would be - stuff to consider but everyone's case is different:

* Unless you have very solid reason to believe that Mom can't participate in big decisions, you probably go for shared legal custody, because asking for sole legal custody could backfire - you'll look too extreme.  But... .if you genuinely believe Mom can't participate in big decisions, then you can make that case... .and it better be a good one.

* Ask for primary residential custody, and put forward a schedule you believe will work well for everyone... .but don't ask for sole residential custody - you'll only look like you're trying to keep your son from having any relationship with his mom, and that's a big no-no.

* Think carefully about what schedule will work for everyone right now, and when he is older.  For example, maybe he'll do best with you during the week - going to kindergarten or whatever - and then he can spend 24 hours with his mom over the weekend.  Or whatever arrangement you believe will benefit your son the most.

* When he's older it might work OK for him to spend one week a month with his mom, or maybe a week over the holidays, or a few weeks over the summer - think it through and put forward a fairly detailed plan that you can explain why.

* Think of each of these issues in terms of what will work best for everyone... .and communicate them mostly in terms of what is best for the child.

* Find out from your attorney if you can ask the court to appoint a Custody Evaluator - a psychologist who will evaluate the situation and recommend custody.  Specify that the CE should be a Ph.D. psychologist who will administer objective psych evals to both parents.  This is important because people with BPD and other psych disorders can often fool others - even psychologists - so an interview isn't reliable - must include the MMPI-2 or some other objective instrument.

* Then... .if her psych eval indicates some problem... .research how that problem tents to impact young children.  If it's BPD, the research will show that a child raised by someone with BPD is at much higher risk - depression, substance abuse, and lots of other problems by adulthood.

Work closely with your lawyer and put together a good strategy.

Don't talk at all with your wife about these issues.

[ttct]

Thank you for the firm words and well articulated list-

I am going into this under the premise that I care for my wife deeply, for my son, and for their bond.

Before this became adversarial my wife wanted us to go on a family vacation all the while telling me about how her "lover" was everything I wasn't for her, because of her broken life.

All of my affidavits show that she is unstable, and dangerous enough as a result of BiPolar that BPD is the icing on the cake for compounding the threat to our child. That combined with abandonment- until a restraining order was filed against her when she threatened me to move out of our house, wanting to move her boyfriend in, and then to take our child to his house if I did not comply- under physical threat by the boyfriend- a drug user... .It wasn't until the order was filed and I highlighted the abandonment that she reacted by coming back into the picture and contesting custody; later it was seen as a means to long-term financial gain- knowing that I would keep him, even if she has custody, that she could collect monies.

I am seeking Sole physical custody and sole legal custody under the provision that if she submits to a psych evaluation and received treatment I would gladly share legal custody, while offering him the stability of physical custody, and her having every other weekend and some week hours visitation. She has already created separation anxiety, abandonment anxiety, rage issues, and other behaviors her has modeled from her and been caused by her.

In my case and with my body of support and evidence, I feel that being strong but compassionate is the best stance in communicating the severity of the situation; I understand that standards are low, but mine, for my child are high, and I can be humble but proud in seeking justice for the best I want in this.

[Matt]

Some states have criteria the courts are supposed to use to decide custody.  Many of them are based on 9 criteria developed by Minnesota, one of which is "Will help the child have a good relationship with the other parent" (or something like that).

It may be useful to find out what the criteria are for your state.

I would suggest having no contact with your wife, without a non-family adult third party present all the time.  Many people with BPD, under stress, become violent or make accusations, and things can get much worse for you very fast.  (My wife accused me of trying to kill her, and I was arrested - a very bad few weeks until the police found out she was lying.)

Can you document that your wife abandoned you, your home, and your son?  How long was she gone?  Did she talk with your son during that time?  This could be a big factor!

Is your son in counseling?  Now is probably a good time to give him that source of support, and the counselor might step up and act in his interests during the legal stuff.

[ttct]

Yes, my son and I are both in therapy- there is a court order in place for my wife to, but to my knowledge she has only been to a couple sessions.

My state advocates the best for the child/both parent presence- I am arguing that in reality, that has only been occurring in a healthy way for brief periods of time that leave him with heightened anxiety and confusion- the best is not having a substantial relationship with her at this time.

I learned about the accusations early on when she started calling the police and making false claims, or revering to points in the distant past when she raged and I reacted and she claims she was scared for her safety by a couple in stances of anger on my part. Fortunately we had a grad student living with us when this happened, and all i had to do was avoid her cornering me alone, most recently when she headed in that direction again, and accusing me of child neglect (after telling his therapist that I was the perfect father, that I spoiled him, etc.)- I rented one of our six bedrooms to a young couple I know who are between houses and so there is always someone there for accountability.

[Matt]

It may be possible to subpoena her therapist and ask if she has been in therapy as ordered.  But don't mention that to her!

You may be able to get copies of the police reports from when she made accusations, and gather evidence showing that the accusations weren't true.  That will show a pattern of weird behavior, and may show that she can't be counted on to support a good relationship between you and your son.

As the case moves forward, and becomes stressful, there is a high risk she will make more accusations.  Be careful!

[ttct]

Abandonment did occur- In June, she claimed to be going back to work- she had been a stay at home mother. She was leaving our son with my parents 6 days a week with some overnights-  she would tell my mom it was helping us get ahead and benefit our relationship with one on one time- in reality she was not working 6 days, sometimes I would come home at 5 or 6 and she would already be sound asleep, would be gone with friends for the night, or wouldn't talk to me- all while painting this picture of romance and hard work for my mother who is caring for my sick father. In July she started using this situation to facilitate dating, then left on a friday morning- told me she was going to NY alone, had the grad student drive her to a friend's house, then the BF showed up at the friend's house- who was shocked, and they left together- she had known him for a week- she promised our son that she would be home on Sunday morning, emptied the bank account, and maxed out the credit card, and after calling her many times on Sunday was raged at about how I had failed her financially and that she was glad she had a "Friend" to take care of her- I was being abused for not adequately funding her affair. She never came home. On Monday morning I received a text saying that her friend was bringing her home and that she was going to come in for coffee to see our house, and that I should thank him for taking good care of her... .I came to the window to see an old pickup pull up in the drive long enough for her to jump out- she has urged me eversince to get to know him so that I can understand, and love her, by validating her new relationship. I am accused of being ignorant and fundamentalist for thinking that this is irrational. From that day until September when I filed a restraining order after filing for divorce- which she asked me for, but was mad when I served her, she would come home some days, only to get ready for a date and leave for the night, we would see her a day or two later, little by little her things dissapeared, our son, who still co-slept cried himself to sleep everynight asking where mommy was- we couldn't reach her by phone, and when I could I was accused of being negligent, so he was needing her, or accused of falsifying his desire for her to lure her home... when she did come home she would get into bed with he and I, get changed in front of me, and accuse me of wanting sex, then began locking herself in rooms with him and accuse me of hovering outside. She filed a report saying that I was at the house against her wishes- that she needed to be alone with her child when she was there, that I was a threat to her- when physical threat was disproven it turned to accustations of emotional abuse. and on and on and on. during all of this time the only financial contribution she has made to our son has been in the form of junk food- she come and goes from his life based on her needs and desires, I pay all of her bills, and she accosts me for not giving her more cash- claiming it is to punish her for leaving me- always then belittling me. When I met her she told me, on the first date, that she should not have children... .now I'm fighting for that child's freedom from her.

[ttct]

Also- this has created financial instability as she has been a drain on our household and I have had to balance being the parent with working a job while my own business is growing rapidly- but in the midst of custody I cannot leave my job and afford the risk of self employment- So I am working myself to death while being told I am inadequate and that I am obligated to support her so that she doesn't have to become dependent in her new relationship... .

[Matt]

Look back at your last couple of posts and think about which specific issues you can show with evidence - evidence you have or evidence you can get.

Abandonment is a good example - do you have documentation to show what dates she was gone?  Can you show something (like phone records maybe) that prove when she talked to your son?  Are there e-mails showing that she made these decisions for selfish and/or crazy reasons - not any sensible, practical reasons?

If you have solid evidence showing a specific issue, then at some point your lawyer may be able to talk to your wife's lawyer, and say, "If we go to trial, we'll be able to prove X, Y and Z, with documents and witnesses, so your client will look horrible.  But we're willing to avoid that if you will settle without trial... .along lines acceptable to Mr. TTCT."  This is how most contested custody cases are settled... .and the key is having adequate evidence to convince the other attorney that it's in her client's interest to settle.

By the way... .you might want to read "Splitting" by William A. Eddy... .about stuff just like this - legal aspects when the other party has BPD or NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).

[ttct]

Thank You- I am reading Splitting.

I have 6 months of daily information- for most of this time the majority of our communication has been via text- and there are volumes that are not only self incriminating (i.e.- numerous that specifically say that unless I with drawl my restraining order she will file one in retaliation- she then filed one claiming physical danger). Or that if I don't do what I want her to do that a judge will, or that if I don't do what she wants me to do, she will take our son to her boyfriend's house and he will physically obstruct me from custody, or that she is smoking pot to quel intense anxiety- these are annecdotal- I have very good academic writing skills and am working on a concise presenation on info that outlines her illness, its risk, its actual effect on our child, it's threatened consequences- her history of instabilty and violence- this corroborated by affidavits from family and friends that she has acknowledged mental illness, her unwillingness to seak treatment, and the observed consequences of resulting behavior on her child.

[ttct]

She does not have an attorney, and I have allowed her to think that my attorney is providing assistance in our mutual best interest- using him to displace some of her abuse- which has shown   him her illness; she will be presented with my financial offer and parenting proposal this week and given the choice to agree or try her chances in court next week against my attorney- something she has expressed extreme anxiety about.

[Matt]

What my lawyer told me to do was sort the evidence - pick the very best - she said this particular judge would probably only spend half an hour or so looking at it so if I provided more he wouldn't look at it all.

She said not to write a "narrative" - just pick the evidence that told the story most clearly - and she would summarize it in the motion and verbally, which she did well.

Basically her thinking was that anything I said could be seen two ways - as information or as my own bias - so the less I said or wrote, the better.  But the evidence would stand on its own and lead the Custody Evaluator, and then the judge, to the right conclusions... .which it did.

I would have preferred to tell the story in my own words, and gathering all that evidence took a lot of time.  But I think her strategy was sound.  The other side were not able to offer any similar evidence, so as the trial approached my wife's attorney realized her goose was cooked and began to cooperate toward a good settlement.

[ttct]

In reality though, I still have time to out all of this together- as if an agreement is not set, we will simply be deferred through the mediation process, etc. before trial and her health become an issue I must make a case for.

[Matt]

In reality though, I still have time to out all of this together- as if an agreement is not set, we will simply be deferred through the mediation process, etc. before trial and her health become an issue I must make a case for.

Yes... .it's more likely to be a marathon than a sprint.

You can always put forward a settlement you feel good about, with some wiggle room, to see if she will negotiate in good faith, and cut the expensive and stressful legal process short with a quick settlement.

But... .usually people with BPD or another psych eval don't play nice.  So you have to proceed as if you may go to trial... .gather evidence and witnesses so your wife will realize that she can't win at trial... .and offer a settlement that will let her save face in some way and avoid looking bad at the trial.

Most cases like yours are settled "on the courthouse steps" - shortly before the scheduled trial.  Mine settled the morning before.

[ttct]

I agree-

In my case I am thinking of it as a persuasive argument- framing an argument and conclusion around which the evidence is organized- just enough to support the statement, and build interest- a lead-in if you will to having the opportunity for more information to be asked when and if it is appropriate, in some ways, just stirring the judges intellectual interest and professional concern.

Framing a picture of a family broken by mental illness, of which we are all victims- seeking help in the protection of the child and the mother so that she can be safe for the child- accusing through compassion. Framing an understanding of the events- maybe a paragraph or two- focusing them specifically in terms of the child, addressing the unilateral concern for the mother and the illness, and how it can and is affecting the child- proposing what is demonstrable as a fair and compassionate parenting plan with future consideration, but with protection for the child at the young ages.

[ttct]

ultimately my best is all I can do- and I need to trust the legal system, and have faith in God.

The scars are significant enough at this point that I am pursing as other's have suggested- this as a business issue, unfortunately, I have alot of income producing business issues in a pile on my desk to and I need to discern how much time I spend with this rabbit hole- in the early fall my wife said that she could not work because she was learning to be a lawyer to be able to defend my attacks in court-

[Matt]

I agree-

In my case I am thinking of it as a persuasive argument- framing an argument and conclusion around which the evidence is organized- just enough to support the statement, and build interest- a lead-in if you will to having the opportunity for more information to be asked when and if it is appropriate, in some ways, just stirring the judges intellectual interest and professional concern.

Framing a picture of a family broken by mental illness, of which we are all victims- seeking help in the protection of the child and the mother so that she can be safe for the child- accusing through compassion. Framing an understanding of the events- maybe a paragraph or two- focusing them specifically in terms of the child, addressing the unilateral concern for the mother and the illness, and how it can and is affecting the child- proposing what is demonstrable as a fair and compassionate parenting plan with future consideration, but with protection for the child at the young ages.

Yeah... .I definitely think you're wise to organize your thoughts that way, and practice explaining things clearly, with emphasis on what is in your son's interest when talking about each issue.  These situations are stressful, so we tend to ramble and not make our points clearly, unless we've practiced (but not memorized).

But... .consult your lawyer about the best format for the information, for this specific court.  Some judges may want it in a certain way, or a different way.

Another way to look at it is how much time you spend talking about problems, and how much time you spend talking about your wife, and how much time you spend talking about your son, and how much time you spend talking about solutions.  If you talk about your wife a lot, and the conflict between you, that won't be as effective as if you talk about your son and about solutions.

One thing I noticed, as the process went forward, was that everyone involved - even my wife and her lawyer - ultimately looked to me for the solutions.  Everybody got tired, and wanted it to be over, and since I knew my kids best, and I'm usually a pretty practical person, I was uniquely able to put forward solutions that would work for everyone.  I was surprised by that - at a certain point it became very clear that everyone was done fighting and ready for solutions, and then they all literally turned to me, and I wasn't very prepared for that, but I stood up and did my best - kind of chalk-talked through an issue at a time, with a fairly objective, neutral tone, and making eye contact with everybody to get their reactions and nonverbally ask for their support.  And that's how we got to agreement on the last, most difficult issues... .

[Matt]

ultimately my best is all I can do- and I need to trust the legal system, and have faith in God.

The scars are significant enough at this point that I am pursing as other's have suggested- this as a business issue, unfortunately, I have alot of income producing business issues in a pile on my desk to and I need to discern how much time I spend with this rabbit hole- in the early fall my wife said that she could not work because she was learning to be a lawyer to be able to defend my attacks in court-

You can do a calculation to figure out if it's wise to work more, make more money, and pay your lawyer to do her job, or try to do more legal stuff yourself... .

One thing to keep in mind is that this may take a while - could be several months or a year - and may get even more stressful, especially if you are still living in the same house as your wife.

You'll need to take very good care of yourself, to stay strong and manage your stress.  Counseling, the gym, regular sleep, relaxing stuff, time with family and friends, and maybe church activities - stuff that will keep you strong and calm through it all.  Otherwise the stress can really get to you!

[david]

I went to court with a large stack of papers. The top piece explained everything below. My attorney handed the entire thing to the judge as evidence. The judge gave it to opposing counsel to let her client review it. That could have taken days. My ex looked at the top piece and agreed with it. That was the only piece tagged as evidence. It included everything below so that was all I really needed. However, the large pile made a very strong statement.

I only had one issue: that ex was not helping either boy with their school work. I had three years of copies of every homework they did. They did over 95 % of all homework when with me even though ex had majority of time during school. The small amount of homework she did help them with was full of errors. If I recall correctly around 45 % was incomplete or incorrect.

I learned that judges must make their decisions based on the evidence. When something is introduced as evidence it is tagged and numbered. You need three copies of any piece of evidence. It takes longer in court and most attorneys and judges don't care for a lot because of that. Verbal testimony holds less weight.

[ForeverDad]

I suspect your lawyer can't be her lawyer too, though I guess your lawyer could communicate with her in a 'helpful' way.  Technically she would be Pro Se or Pro Per?  If she doesn't have a lawyer and a settlement is reached, a judge might quiz her about knowing what it all means and ask if she needs an attorney.  They can go out of their way to reduce the risk of a case coming back to boomerang on them.

Your spouse sounds like she's mostly the sort that wants to wander away on her own adult pursuits.  Most who arrive here have the other sort of problem, very entitled mothers who demand to control everything and see their children as extensions of themselves and even as money trees.  In past decades courts always went along with the "Tender Years Doctrine" where mother was considered the best nurturer for the children.  Courts realize now that the one size fits all doesn't work and are transitioning to a less unequal father/mother stance but still the old default patterns persist and so it would be best for you to be aware of them.

As an example, back in 2005 my ex had been arrested for Threat of DV, had a case pending against her and blocked from our home but she still got temp custody when we separated because she said she "worked from home".  The court didn't care what happened in another court between the parents, evidently my family court considered adult misbehaviors to have little impact on or relevance to parenting behaviors.

So if your spouse is willing to focus her life elsewhere with other adult activities most of the time, that's fine, she is an adult after all.  Once you realized the marriage had failed you had to Accept all that it meant, you can't stop her from flying away.  If you tried to keep her in the marriage or tell her who she can or can't associate with, you could potentially be seen as a controller if she chose to allege that.  But of course your position is simply that your child stays with you and you are the primary parent.  That position you can defend in court.  What helps immensely is that your child is living with you now.  Courts are not inclined to drastically change the children's home and schedule.  They consider that the current status is working and are generally okay with keeping it that way.  That said, in court it is often easier for a mother to get changes than fathers can.  It's not a level playing field so be thankful your current parenting arrangement reduces your uphill struggle to be an involved father.