Trying to keep my head above the lies, gas-lighting and FOG...

[True Grenadine]

Hi All,
Just looking for some advice to keep my head above the water while I tread a sea of lies, gas-lighting and FOG... .My live in GF is an (I believe) un-diagnosed BPD and she's struggling with an eight year opiate addiction (Snorted Percs). Shes currently on Suboxone for almost five years and self regulates (games) her dosage between 4mg and 12mg... .

We are nearing breakup but it is complicated as we both have young children and she lives in my home... .I do love her and love her children as I've been raising them for three years but she has an underlying anger and aggression that I can no longer have near my children or me.  Shes cruel and used the most cruel language to hurt and manipulate the kids... .She is also an unbelievable liar. The depth of her lies and her belief in them is unparalleled to anything I've ever experienced... .

With this said... .I've never experienced a relationship so full of lies and deceit from a person that is so deeply in denial over the things she says and does... .The depth of her denial is frightening... .Whats more frightening is that shes a totally high functioning addict and works as a teacher... .

Its like a daily Jeckyl and Hyde show in the house... .Put us near an audience of friends and family and she is fine and you'd think we were the Brady Bunch... .once the show is over... .wham she's an angry resentful beast. Mornings and night time are the worst... .

I'm trying to work out an amicable scenario where she moves out and gets on her own... .She wont leave... .I'm sure she doesn't want too as I pay for everything except food and I own a house on the ocean... .She has a nice life.

I've hoped to be able to get through to her to help her see the damage she is causing herself and the kids but it just isn't working... .

Looking for tips to survive while we part ways... .or how do I part ways when she wont leave... .

Thx,
TG

[formflier]

Doubtful there is amicable way to do this.

If she gets help... .can she stay?

My best advice is to give her options.  Stay and change behavior or go?

FF

[True Grenadine]

Thanks FF,

We've been down this road many times... .She did put herself into a group meeting once a week for addiction and tries to often tries to blow the meeting off. The behavior in the house has never changed... .

Every time I talk to her she either ignores me and mocks me, gaslights and starts fighting or ignores me and then denies that I ever tried to talk to her about it... . 

Shes also is still married, shes done nothing to get divorced and owns a house that she wont pay on... .The house is abandoned but not in foreclosure but will be soon enough.

Her husband is a recovering addict as well and lives in a 1/2 way house for police and firefighters battling PTSD or addiction.  I've talked to him but hes in no position to help her or his kids... .

I don't see it ending amicably either... .Her family is aware of the situation and does not want to get involved... .

I keel the only out is to change the locks and tell her to schedule a time to move her stuff out.

Thanks again,
TG

[formflier]

 

This is a lawyer thing.  Last thing you want to do is move her out the wrong way.  Assuming that she doesn't voluntarily go.

I would call and retain a lawyer asap.

Then, once you know the law, I would ask her to leave.  Could explain it that you need space to think about the r/s... .whatever.  The goal is to get her to leave voluntarily.


FF

[SamwizeGamgee]

It sounds like your kids are in danger.  Not just emotional trauma, but, tangible bodily danger from an angry addict.  Perhaps you should look at an emergency plan.  Most of us with a BPD partner can map an exit strategy, and take months following it and planning for the next move.  In immediate danger, you do not get the same luxury.  Might I suggest finding a shelter for you and the kids, and/or calling the cops when she's using and raging, and/or getting a restraining order?

This does not sound like the situation in which you "ask" your partner to tone it down for the kids.  I hear you say you want an amicable solution, and her to see the light and leave happily and peacefully.  Reality paints a different picture.  She's still married to someone else (note: red flag number one million) - in spite of obvious reasons and justifications to not be.  Picture a starving lion eating the carcass of a animal in the Savannah.  Are you, though starving also, going to ask the lion to please leave so that you can share a meal fairly?  Do what's right?  No. You're going to starve or become the next meal.  So, You have to take control of your life. You protect your kids.  Her kids are legally hers to protect, but, you may have to get the state involved in that too. 

When kids are threatened there are no bystanders.  There are rescuers or accomplices.   

[True Grenadine]

It's September and I threw her out July 15... .

 Smartest thing I ever did. My two children are happier and she put herself in rehab... .Now that she's clean she's working on her emotional issues and hopefully getting her life together... .

We keep in touch with periods of nc depending on her state of mind... .

To date ive not had to go completely NC... .The time apart has cleared my head and helped me see how horrible the relationship was... .

I'm happy she's getting help... .
My sincere thanks for the advise and openess... .

TG

[formflier]

Solid work on focusing on your true responsibilities (you and your kids) and letting your partner deal with themselves.

Very... .very wise.

What changes have you seen (positive or negative) in your household since making this change?

FF

[True Grenadine]

Thanks FF,
My kids are somewhat happier... .Though they go through periods of sadness... .not from missing her but from feeling a loss.  This was there second loss and I think that they both accept it. My youngest struggles though.

The house is quieter but can feel lonely sometimes... .I try to keep focused... .

It gets hard as I see her often as she is looking to live in the same town as us and has her two children in my daughters school... .This is hard for my youngest.

I'm hoping that she decides to move but I'm feeling that she won't.

She's in full swing detaching from us and this hurts my girls... .

Each day is work but definitely going in the right direction.

Info feel that I need to keep cruising this directs other people's stories help me understand the tornado thatvripped through our lives.

Thanks
TG

[SamwizeGamgee]

Enjoy the peace.  Recover, reload, and keep being a rock for your kids.  Even if you're faking it, keep caring for the kids.
Best of wishes.

[formflier]

Even if you're faking it, keep caring for the kids.

Yep... .there are lots of times you have to fake it.  One of the nuances that I am trying to learn and "tweak" from the current psychologist I am seeing is how to be wise about showing kids that you as a parent feel and experience quite deep emotions.

On the one hand, you want to let kids be kids and not be affected by this crazy world of dysfunctional relationships.  Making sure that they can identify, own and deal with their own emotions is critical.  You don't want your kids to be a source of emotional support for you.

On the other hand, you want your kids to know that you are human and at times can be very emotional and that you can work through it and still "function".

My current place is that if my kids ask I tell them about my emotions.  When they ask "why" I certainly don't blame it on their Mom but reference things I am thinking about or working through... .without being specific.  With assurances that I will be ok and so will they.

FF

[SamwizeGamgee]

I think that those reassurances go a long way with the kids. My Son, 11, has practically all the traits of BPD, and more mixed in.  I have to really be on my A-game when I am with him.  I have to validate, listen support, vet every word and breath out of my mouth, walk on eggshells stacked on eggshells.  So much like it was with my wife in the gory glory days of my marriage.  I'm still married and my wife's not much better, but, I have learned to detach from her. She looks like a star sometimes.

Anyway, I often find myself speaking around the facts with my other kids.  I say things that they can understand, I hope. For example, "I have had a really hard time talking to some people who get really angry... .I felt like everything I said was wrong. I still feel bad thinking about it, but I try to remember who I am, and that only I know how I really feel. I can choose to be happy and feel alright even when angry people are around... ."  

There's the object lesson right in front of us, but, I think it helps them to see an adult deal with it in a good way, and to not just see what I do, but get and explanation of what I feel. Sometimes I think I'm too good at detachment and staying calm.

I can fake like the best of them.