a little help out of the woods?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Ok, so I hit depression.  I was doing great.  Managing.  Made it through the worst of anger without doing anything dumb which I usually am particularly adept at.  Despite some struggles, was doing well with the NC and not obsessing over every little detail.

Even hit a really nice "the universe is all one and interconnected and beautiful and I am such a tiny speck and it's all wonderful" moment right before my therapy session last week did some great work in it and carried it on.

Then I tanked. 

My room is a dump.  I can't eat. It takes every ounce of energy to get through the work day.  (at least work is stable, for now.) I've started smoking again.  I feel worthless and like it will never get better.  I re-read a bunch of emails.  I don't think I'll ever meet anyone as much of a match for me.  Just feel a gaping hole that wasn't there before her even.  I feel like a shell.  I've lost my sense of humor.  I've lost my inquisitive nature. My head feels heavy and my heart feels heavier.

It was triggered when a friend that I've been trying to hang out with invited me to hang out and by chance I knew she was going to be there.  I had gone NC totally but before I had I had seen on her facebook that she was going to be there. So I had to decline even though I wanted to go both to enjoy myself and to hang out with my friend.  Then the next day, I went to a different place where I didn't know if she would be there or not but there was a possibility.  She wasn't but I realized I was actually kind of disappointed.  I went back and re-read the emails at that point.  Got really nostalgic.  And that led in to the spiraling self loathing vortex where I find myself now, 4 days later.

Any advice on where to pick up and start the journey again?  Maybe an outside perspective?

[just_think]

Ok, so I hit depression.  I was doing great.  Managing.  Made it through the worst of anger without doing anything dumb which I usually am particularly adept at.  Despite some struggles, was doing well with the NC and not obsessing over every little detail.

Even hit a really nice "the universe is all one and interconnected and beautiful and I am such a tiny speck and it's all wonderful" moment right before my therapy session last week did some great work in it and carried it on.

Then I tanked. 

My room is a dump.  I can't eat. It takes every ounce of energy to get through the work day.  (at least work is stable, for now.) I've started smoking again.  I feel worthless and like it will never get better.  I re-read a bunch of emails.  I don't think I'll ever meet anyone as much of a match for me.  Just feel a gaping hole that wasn't there before her even.  I feel like a shell.  I've lost my sense of humor.  I've lost my inquisitive nature. My head feels heavy and my heart feels heavier.

It was triggered when a friend that I've been trying to hang out with invited me to hang out and by chance I knew she was going to be there.  I had gone NC totally but before I had I had seen on her facebook that she was going to be there. So I had to decline even though I wanted to go both to enjoy myself and to hang out with my friend.  Then the next day, I went to a different place where I didn't know if she would be there or not but there was a possibility.  She wasn't but I realized I was actually kind of disappointed.  I went back and re-read the emails at that point.  Got really nostalgic.  And that led in to the spiraling self loathing vortex where I find myself now, 4 days later.

Any advice on where to pick up and start the journey again?  Maybe an outside perspective?

[GreenMango]

This may be a good time to try to minimize chances of running into her, rereading any of those old email and waxing nostalgic on the good times, or finding ways to stay connected to her in sideways fashion.  It's obviously hurting you... .  Heavy heart and all.  There will be the chance to run into her later, to sort through the artifacts she's left behind... .  just right now it hurts.  Be kind to yourself.

Hey have you thought about seeing a doctor for the depression?  It may help to talk to him about medicine or other things you can do to take the edge off a bit.

About the first two weeks after it was all over for me I felt pretty good... .  I could sleep again, the stress wasn't there, but then the grief and the processing of everything started and that pretty much was horrible for a good three months, then it started to get better slowly.

[just_think]

This may be a good time to try to minimize chances of running into her, rereading any of those old email and waxing nostalgic on the good times, or finding ways to stay connected to her in sideways fashion.  It's obviously hurting you... .  Heavy heart and all.  There will be the chance to run into her later, to sort through the artifacts she's left behind... .  just right now it hurts.  Be kind to yourself.

Yeah... .  I know the next time I'll definitely see her will be in May for a mutual event. I should be over her by then... .   Likely, running in the same circles, we will run into each other before then in about 3 weeks (there is a lot going on in town, but I can see us showing up to the same places.)

Hey have you thought about seeing a doctor for the depression?  It may help to talk to him about medicine or other things you can do to take the edge off a bit.

I was on xanax at the end of the relationship when she started laying the silent treatment on.  Luckily I have a friend who is a PA who could write me the prescription but I ran out.  Overall, I don't like to use anti-depressants.  I like to think there is a lesson to learn in here, and I realize it might take me to a dark place. For some, the pills might work, but I prefer to do it my own way (at my own peril).

Anyhow, no insurance.  But I am seeing a therapist.

About the first two weeks after it was all over for me I felt pretty good... .  I could sleep again, the stress wasn't there, but then the grief and the processing of everything started and that pretty much was horrible for a good three months, then it started to get better slowly.

I'm at one month since the last time I talked with her.  The relationship was only 4 with the last month being pretty non-involved/ distant.  

[lockedout]

Don't just "not read" the e-mails. Delete them. Go into your Inbox and delete them. Delete Sent e-mails and Drafts. If you keep e-mails between you and her in a separate e-mail folder, delete the folder. Then empty the Trash. If this is too much or if you can do so without considerable inconvenience, close the e-mail account so she can't e-mail you ever again. It's all garbage. Nothing in there is genuine and even if just one part of one e-mail was genuine, it's in your past. As long as they are accessible you will always have the urge to go back and look at them and be sucked back into depression.

Now onto FaceBook. Unfriend her if she hasn't already done that to you. Go into your photos and either delete or untag anything that depicts you and her as a couple. There's only one of my BPDex - I left it there because it's a picture of her and our son. If you can't delete them , untag them. Make sure your status depicts you as available - "in a relationship" or "married" only serves her as a trophy. Also unfriend anyone who may allow her access to your "private" stuff thourhg their account or anyone who was an enabler of her bad behavior. I recently unfriended her two sisters and a guy who was "our" friend - her friend before we met but he would come over the house while I was at work to "hang out". I don't know if anything happened, but she knew I didn't like it. More unfriendings are in the works.

If you have any written letters from her, burn them. If any of her stuff is laying around your home ie toiletries in "her" bathroom drawer or the panties she left in your nightstand - toss them. If there are any valuable box them up and toss the box in a corner somewhere - if she comes looking for it, worry about it then. If you have photos and you keep going back to look at them toss those too (they don't burn easily), or delete them from your hard drive.

If you don't do these things, and the act of doing them is just as therapeutic as the results, you won't be over her in May in time for that mutual event, speaking of which... .  

How important are these mutual events? Are you from a small town where there's no place to go except where you may run into her? There is no better time to explore new places. It's a good time to check out that new place in the next county over. Or to go on that weekend trip that she would have never approved of or made you pay for when you got back. Tell your friends straight up that you don't want to go where she might be - true friends should understand without needing an explanation.