Ex is saying that she broke up with her ex to try & get back with me.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Basically I reconnected with my ex a couple of months ago. Since then we have been chatting on & off. I suspected that she may have BPD due to her erratic behaviour & the 30 times that she broke up with me in our 2 year relationship. When we reconnected she was seeing someone but still spoke to me behind his back & in a sexual way. She broke up with him a month ago after finding out that he was speaking to another woman behind her back which I found was slightly ironic after her speaking to me behind his back.

We spent all week texting & part of the conversation was her telling me that her ex was harassing her & asking to get back together. She said that would never happen as she couldn't trust him again. & then she went quiet.  Today I get a text telling me that she was giving it another go with her ex & how much she loved him & how he was there for her when we broke up & cuddled her when she was crying. I texted back saying that I hope she is happy with him. She's given me this long text basically saying that she hoped we could get back together but it looks like I don't love her & she only broke up with her ex because she thought we might give it another go. She had previously shown me a screenshot of her ex talking to another woman so I know that this is the reason she broke up with him. Actually I have no idea & once again my head is in a spin. It appears that she is just trying to manipulate me into chasing her. It's been almost a year since we broke up & she is adamant that she has changed but it does not appear that way. It looks like her emotions are still as erratic as before. 

I have asked her again if she broke up with her ex because she was hoping we would get back together & she said that this is correct & she was an idiot for doing this but it's because she loved me. This just looks like the pattern of unstable relationships still exists!

[magic78]

Basically I reconnected with my ex a couple of months ago. Since then we have been chatting on & off. I suspected that she may have BPD due to her erratic behaviour & the 30 times that she broke up with me in our 2 year relationship. When we reconnected she was seeing someone but still spoke to me behind his back & in a sexual way. She broke up with him a month ago after finding out that he was speaking to another woman behind her back which I found was slightly ironic after her speaking to me behind his back.

We spent all week texting & part of the conversation was her telling me that her ex was harassing her & asking to get back together. She said that would never happen as she couldn't trust him again. & then she went quiet.  Today I get a text telling me that she was giving it another go with her ex & how much she loved him & how he was there for her when we broke up & cuddled her when she was crying. I texted back saying that I hope she is happy with him. She's given me this long text basically saying that she hoped we could get back together but it looks like I don't love her & she only broke up with her ex because she thought we might give it another go. She had previously shown me a screenshot of her ex talking to another woman so I know that this is the reason she broke up with him. Actually I have no idea & once again my head is in a spin. It appears that she is just trying to manipulate me into chasing her. It's been almost a year since we broke up & she is adamant that she has changed but it does not appear that way. It looks like her emotions are still as erratic as before. 

I have asked her again if she broke up with her ex because she was hoping we would get back together & she said that this is correct & she was an idiot for doing this but it's because she loved me. This just looks like the pattern of unstable relationships still exists!

[lucidone]

Basically I reconnected with my ex a couple of months ago. Since then we have been chatting on & off. I suspected that she may have BPD due to her erratic behaviour & the 30 times that she broke up with me in our 2 year relationship. When we reconnected she was seeing someone but still spoke to me behind his back & in a sexual way. She broke up with him a month ago after finding out that he was speaking to another woman behind her back which I found was slightly ironic after her speaking to me behind his back.

We spent all week texting & part of the conversation was her telling me that her ex was harassing her & asking to get back together. She said that would never happen as she couldn't trust him again. & then she went quiet.  Today I get a text telling me that she was giving it another go with her ex & how much she loved him & how he was there for her when we broke up & cuddled her when she was crying. I texted back saying that I hope she is happy with him. She's given me this long text basically saying that she hoped we could get back together but it looks like I don't love her & she only broke up with her ex because she thought we might give it another go. She had previously shown me a screenshot of her ex talking to another woman so I know that this is the reason she broke up with him. Actually I have no idea & once again my head is in a spin. It appears that she is just trying to manipulate me into chasing her. It's been almost a year since we broke up & she is adamant that she has changed but it does not appear that way. It looks like her emotions are still as erratic as before. 

I have asked her again if she broke up with her ex because she was hoping we would get back together & she said that this is correct & she was an idiot for doing this but it's because she loved me. This just looks like the pattern of unstable relationships still exists!

Hey there.  This sounds like it's pretty frustrating and confusing.  It seems like she at least has BPD tendencies.  Some are known to rotate between select people.  It seems that there was the conflict with the person she was recently seeing, panicked, and was testing her options.  She of course still has an attachment to this other person though.  I'm actually foreseeing a similar situation with me and my ex.  I feel that her relationship patterns will cause her current relationship to fall apart, and she'll come back to me and 'test the waters'.  Time will tell.

To me it's a big red flag for her to be talking to another person (I.e., you), especially in a sexual way, while still in a relationship.  Again it could partly be to keep an option open.  BPD's seem to be somewhat oblivious to their inappropriate behavior.   My concern would be if she's doing it to this person, she would do the same thing to anyone else as well.

Any updates?  How have your interactions been with her?  Are you trying to keep her at arms length?

[magic78]

Hey there.  This sounds like it's pretty frustrating and confusing.  It seems like she at least has BPD tendencies.  Some are known to rotate between select people.  It seems that there was the conflict with the person she was recently seeing, panicked, and was testing her options.  She of course still has an attachment to this other person though.  I'm actually foreseeing a similar situation with me and my ex.  I feel that her relationship patterns will cause her current relationship to fall apart, and she'll come back to me and 'test the waters'.  Time will tell.

To me it's a big red flag for her to be talking to another person (I.e., you), especially in a sexual way, while still in a relationship.  Again it could partly be to keep an option open.  BPD's seem to be somewhat oblivious to their inappropriate behavior.   My concern would be if she's doing it to this person, she would do the same thing to anyone else as well.

Any updates?  How have your interactions been with her?  Are you trying to keep her at arms length?

So when she told me that she had broken up with her ex she said it was because he was talking to another woman. She is now saying that this wasn't the whole reason. She is saying that she broke up with him because we had reconnected & him talking to this woman happened on the night after she had broken up with him. So yeah it appears that she was testing the waters with me but because I have not said "hey lets try again" in the time frame she wanted she has decided to get back with her ex but at the same time try to make me feel guilty & him to look like a good guy.

She said all our breakups were due to her immaturity & she has changed. Now looking at this recent mess it appears that she hasn't changed one bit & she is ok with manipulating people to get her own way including dumping someone without giving much thought for their feelings. Jesus this is a mess! Do I really want to be part of this dysfunctional dynamic!

[Forgiveness]

Do I really want to be part of this dysfunctional dynamic!

Good question. What do you think is best for you?

[magic78]

Good question. What do you think is best for you?

Well at the start I was questioning whether all the stuff that went on was due to her immaturity. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She's just triangulated me just as before so nothing has changed which I guess isn't surprising due to the nature of BPD. The problem is that I do have feelings for her & I did hope that we could try again. However, my gut feeling was telling me to hold back & this recent event has confirmed why. She has basically hurt this guy hoping we would get back together & because we haven't she's got back with him. This guy is getting the same treatment I was. No doubt the poor man was getting verbal abuse from her too just as I did to really chip away at my self confidence. She has already told me that this guy feels worthless & is exactly the type of person she goes for because of the control she can have over them.

I know some people choose to be in a relationship with a pwBPD & adjust their own behaviour to suit but I genuinely don't think I can do this. It's the lying too & dishonesty that she has no problem with doing.

[Lucky Jim]

This guy is getting the same treatment I was. No doubt the poor man was getting verbal abuse from her too just as I did to really chip away at my self confidence. She has already told me that this guy feels worthless & is exactly the type of person she goes for because of the control she can have over them.

I know some people choose to be in a relationship with a pwBPD & adjust their own behaviour to suit but I genuinely don't think I can do this. It's the lying too & dishonesty that she has no problem with doing.

Hey magic78, See what you wrote above.  Why are you contemplating a return to the lion's den?  What makes you think it will play out differently than it did last time?

To me it's irrelevant that she broke up w/her Ex to get back w/you, which could be an exaggeration or falsehood.  What's important is what you want in terms of a r/s going forward.

It's your call.

LJ

[Pytagoras]

 

[Pytagoras]

I've been reading your entire posts, and there were some curiosities:

Throughout our relationship there was verbal abuse, always accusing me of cheating or talking to other women

They are the projection Queens. IMO, all that they acuse us, they do it themselves. My exBPDgf was paranoid of me speaking with other women, exgfs, etc. It turn out, she was the one doing all that.

Telling me she had to be drunk to have sex with me destroyed my confidence.

Mine didn't said that, but in fact, when she was drunk, she wanted sex pretty much. When she wasn't, she rarely wanted it.

And she humiliated me several times, comparing me with other guys.

I started a topic about sexual issues in BPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=340238.0

I do believe that this guy was a quick replacement

Aren't we all?

She would check my phone then be upset that she couldn't find anything

Same here. She would go trough my Messenger, try to pick up something and she always picked up something to rage against me. And even when she didnt, she would rage still the same, saying that i deleted everything. "I know you are hiding something from me. I can feel it!"

She never let me see her Messenger. And she was the one always speaking with other guys. Also, in the final momentos of our r/s, she would never bring the phone, or it was in silence. I learned later, that she was dating other guys by then.

In the end, she was hanging w/ other bfs and with me, at the same time.

Even now, that she is in the verge of moving to another country with her new soulmate, i am full of wishful thinking. But i know it's just that. Maybe when this r/s goes awry, she will try to recycle me. But i hope i'm long gone then.

You know what lies ahead of you. Deep down you know. But sometimes we have to go and see for ourselves. It's your call nontheless.

[magic78]

Hey magic78, See what you wrote above.  Why are you contemplating a return to the lion's den?  What makes you think it will play out differently than it did last time?

To me it's irrelevant that she broke up w/her Ex to get back w/you, which could be an exaggeration or falsehood.  What's important is what you want in terms of a r/s going forward.

It's your call.

LJ

Hey there. I have no idea why I'm contemplating a return. Guess I hoped that she had changed when deep down I knew she hasn't. She just wanted to real me back in and when I wasn't begging her to be back in a relationship she's turned the pressure up by triangulating me with her ex. I have no idea what is the truth any more. She might have been still seeing this guy for all I know. What is clear is that she has no problem with using me and her ex as part of a game to get what she wants. She's now blaming everything on been confused.

All I know now is that although I care for her deeply I don't think i could ever trust her. I would have to act like a robot and do everything she said or id be tossed to one side or she'd be chatting to other guys behind my back.

[confusedbybdp]

 

Hi there!

You wrote:  She has already told me that this guy feels worthless & is exactly the type of person she goes for because of the control she can have over them.

Wow, this says a lot, doesn't it!  In a support group meeting, as he was sitting right next to me, my uBPDexbf told the entire group that he always chose women who were "less than he was" so that he could feel superior!  I have a law degree, and he is a struggling writer, so really?  As far as I was concerned, we BOTH had many wonderful accomplishments and talents, and neither of us was "better" than the other!  Their way of thinking and processing information is so delusional.  Problem is, most of the time, they believe their own s***.

You know how they say we should listen to what people tell us the first time, and BELIEVE it!  Our partners often give us the information we need to make a decision about the relationship.  Would any of us WANT to be in a relationship with someone who says they want to control us?  Honestly, it is only their fantastical allure that keeps us rethinking these crazy relationships.  If we can stop and really listen to what they say and observe their behavior, I think our decision would be obvious...

Stay strong & good luck!

[confusedbybdp]

 

I would have to act like a robot and do everything she said or id be tossed to one side or she'd be chatting to other guys behind my back.

That's exactly right magic78!     I learned that as long as I never disagreed with my ex or wanted to have a conversation about the relationship, and as long as I sided with him against all the other people he was having disputes with, our relationship sailed along just fine.  We truly would have to turn into robots to keep the peace with our BPD partners.  And even then, to be honest, it wouldn't be enough.  Yes, some people on other boards have spoken of strategies that have significantly improved their relationships. Good for them.  But after being put in the spin cycle 20 times or so myself, I don't have the energy for that.  Even HEALTHY relationships take work, but  BPD relationships are sinking ships, IMO.

[once removed]

this has been a rebound situation, magic78. its a precarious position to be in.

you had/have unfinished business with her. she had/has unfinished business with him.

she doesnt know what she wants.

do you?

[magic78]

this has been a rebound situation, magic78. its a precarious position to be in.

you had/have unfinished business with her. she had/has unfinished business with him.

she doesnt know what she wants.

do you?

She has now emailed me telling me that we cannot talk because she is back with her ex but she is continuing to talk to me! I honestly 100% have no idea if I can believe her not. I wouldn't be surprised if she is faking this to try & get a reaction out of me. Or maybe it is true. I have no idea but either way I guess it isn't healthy.

I believe he was a rebound & he isn't exactly what she wants. I come back on the scene & she clearly wants me back but I didn't comply so as she said to me she couldn't wait for ever so she's possibly taking her chances again with him.

I reconnected because like we all do at some point I missed her & wondered if all the original s**tty behaviour was just in my head & maybe she had changed. I was keeping LC to see how things progressed. I have witnessed a few red flags & now this. It's been a year since we first split & she said she has grown up a lot & she wouldn't treat me like she did before, she means the constant discards but isn't that what she is doing now? She clearly hasn't changed & I don't feel like I could have a trusting relationship with her. But, I probably needed to go through this for my own lesson.

[magic78]

I would have to act like a robot and do everything she said or id be tossed to one side or she'd be chatting to other guys behind my back.

That's exactly right magic78!     I learned that as long as I never disagreed with my ex or wanted to have a conversation about the relationship, and as long as I sided with him against all the other people he was having disputes with, our relationship sailed along just fine.  We truly would have to turn into robots to keep the peace with our BPD partners.  And even then, to be honest, it wouldn't be enough.  Yes, some people on other boards have spoken of strategies that have significantly improved their relationships. Good for them.  But after being put in the spin cycle 20 times or so myself, I don't have the energy for that.  Even HEALTHY relationships take work, but  BPD relationships are sinking ships, IMO.

The issue I had was that even if I complied with what I thought she wanted she would change the goal post. For instance. When she was poorly & we couldn't see each other due to it I would be the understanding boyfriend who would say "awwwwwww you look after yourself & we will see each other another time" this was what I felt was morally right & what most people would like to hear instead of a selfish reply. So, she would then accuse me of not caring because I wasn't bothered that we couldn't see each other! It was a no win situation.

Yeah I know this site is also to help people cope with these types of relationships but after 30 break ups & now this discard when we are not even together I really don't think I have the energy or the time to be honest.

[confusedbybdp]

The issue I had was that even if I complied with what I thought she wanted she would change the goal post. For instance. When she was poorly & we couldn't see each other due to it I would be the understanding boyfriend who would say "awwwwwww you look after yourself & we will see each other another time" this was what I felt was morally right & what most people would like to hear instead of a selfish reply. So, she would then accuse me of not caring because I wasn't bothered that we couldn't see each other! It was a no win situation.

Yep, this is pretty typical.  They need so much reassurance that "you care" that normal ways of relating, such as you describe (not putting any pressure on your partner, and saying we'll see each other another time) just makes them feel you're not "doing enough"  to look after them and you must not really care about them.  It leaves most of us feeling guilty, confused, and maybe even angry that normal ways of relating don't work in these relationships.  It is WAY too much work to take care of their fragile egos.  I have always thought of myself as a caring, loving person, but my r/s finally taught me that we can't just keep chasing after them, moping up the messes and soothing their injured souls.  It doesn't work anyway, even if we wanted to do it.  They are in such a broken place that nothing is ever enough.

[magic78]

Yep, this is pretty typical.  They need so much reassurance that "you care" that normal ways of relating, such as you describe (not putting any pressure on your partner, and saying we'll see each other another time) just makes them feel you're not "doing enough"  to look after them and you must not really care about them.  It leaves most of us feeling guilty, confused, and maybe even angry that normal ways of relating don't work in these relationships.  It is WAY too much work to take care of their fragile egos.  I have always thought of myself as a caring, loving person, but my r/s finally taught me that we can't just keep chasing after them, moping up the messes and soothing their injured souls.  It doesn't work anyway, even if we wanted to do it.  They are in such a broken place that nothing is ever enough.

Yes. This is the problem. You try everything for years to reassure them but nothing is good enough due to how they are wired. It is just a bottomless pit. She has now left again exactly a year after she said she didn't love me no more & left. Luckily this time I can deal with it & see it for what it is.

[lucidone]

The issue I had was that even if I complied with what I thought she wanted she would change the goal post. For instance. When she was poorly & we couldn't see each other due to it I would be the understanding boyfriend who would say "awwwwwww you look after yourself & we will see each other another time" this was what I felt was morally right & what most people would like to hear instead of a selfish reply. So, she would then accuse me of not caring because I wasn't bothered that we couldn't see each other! It was a no win situation.

Yep, this is pretty typical.  They need so much reassurance that "you care" that normal ways of relating, such as you describe (not putting any pressure on your partner, and saying we'll see each other another time) just makes them feel you're not "doing enough"  to look after them and you must not really care about them.  It leaves most of us feeling guilty, confused, and maybe even angry that normal ways of relating don't work in these relationships.  It is WAY too much work to take care of their fragile egos.  I have always thought of myself as a caring, loving person, but my r/s finally taught me that we can't just keep chasing after them, moping up the messes and soothing their injured souls.  It doesn't work anyway, even if we wanted to do it.  They are in such a broken place that nothing is ever enough.

This is definitely the case.  It never is enough.  You can comply and love 100% but it still isn't enough.  They need someone that will love them, always, completely unconditionally, while allowing them to do and say whatever they want, unconditionally.  Even then, there will be something that you do that isn't right, and if you protest or defend yourself, it can escalate to being discarded.  For someone who wants equality and dignity in a relationship, this is an impossible situation.

[magic78]

This is definitely the case.  It never is enough.  You can comply and love 100% but it still isn't enough.  They need someone that will love them, always, completely unconditionally, while allowing them to do and say whatever they want, unconditionally.  Even then, there will be something that you do that isn't right, and if you protest or defend yourself, it can escalate to being discarded.  For someone who wants equality and dignity in a relationship, this is an impossible situation.

Yes this is exactly how it felt. She picks her partners on the basis of how much PLEASE READ they will take. I saw her publicly ridicule this guy on Facebook. She was also posting meme's such as one saying that in a partner she needs 100% attention 24/7. This guy allowed the ridicule & would comment on these posts with comments such as "I would always give you my full attention". This guy she started to date & ignored all the guys who were really good looking & successful but they had balls. This is another reason why her relationships never work because she ends up losing attraction & respect for these guys who bend over backwards for her just as I did but then I stopped which coincided with her discarding me.

[40days_in_desert]

magic78 - She is giving you a window to look through and see how she will continue to act down the road with a future partner whether you or someone else. She might claim that this guy "didn't mean anything" to her or something similar. Whether she had deep feelings or not, it isn't how you treat other people. Focus on the actions more than the words unless her actions and words are congruent with each other.
What actions would she show that match her words?

[magic78]

magic78 - She is giving you a window to look through and see how she will continue to act down the road with a future partner whether you or someone else. She might claim that this guy "didn't mean anything" to her or something similar. Whether she had deep feelings or not, it isn't how you treat other people. Focus on the actions more than the words unless her actions and words are congruent with each other.
What actions would she show that match her words?

This is very true & the fact that she broke up with me 30 times in just over 2 years shows that she hasn't changed. How do I know she wasn't doing the same with me back then? Plus apparently she has changed & would never treat me like this again whilst being on & off with this other guy. Also, as you say no matter what her feelings were. Healthy people do not treat other Human Beings in this way.

[once removed]

I believe he was a rebound & he isn't exactly what she wants. I come back on the scene & she clearly wants me back but I didn't comply so as she said to me she couldn't wait for ever so she's possibly taking her chances again with him.

seeing it this way may feel better, but it may also confuse more than it helps.

he may have been a rebound when the two of you ended. but then the two of them had a relationship.

you never quite left the picture. she didnt have the opportunity to fully grieve your relationship. she had the best parts of it; you as a confidant, along with some flirting and sex talk. and she had him.

once the two of them had a relationship, that became the primary relationship, where most of her emotion was invested.

after the two of them broke up, you became a potential rebound.

but she didnt have the opportunity to fully grieve that relationship either. despite her anger, she wasnt completely done. maybe she wanted to think she was.

you have some idea of what that is like, magic78. you said a lot of things about her here, but you werent done; you wanted to hopefully give things another shot. you were interested in whether shed changed.

in a rebound situation, the most recent previous relationship will tend to "win" every time. there is more recent investment. she would have been further along (if not completely there) in grieving your relationship. reigniting things with you would have seemed like more work. and she was probably interested in whether or not he had changed.

probably not a lot you could have done differently. it wouldnt have been wise to just jump back into a relationship with her, even if thats what she wanted, and one thing is clear - she is very fickle in terms of knowing what she wants. she tends to take the easiest path. and theres a pattern established that she doesnt like to do the hard part of grieving a relationship, and looks to other people to avoid doing so.

the path before you is to determine whether you want to play a part in that. whether theres enough between you and her to salvage, and whether or not it can be, or whether this is her pattern and unlikely to change.

what do you think?

[magic78]

seeing it this way may feel better, but it may also confuse more than it helps.

he may have been a rebound when the two of you ended. but then the two of them had a relationship.

you never quite left the picture. she didnt have the opportunity to fully grieve your relationship. she had the best parts of it; you as a confidant, along with some flirting and sex talk. and she had him.

once the two of them had a relationship, that became the primary relationship, where most of her emotion was invested.

after the two of them broke up, you became a potential rebound.

but she didnt have the opportunity to fully grieve that relationship either. despite her anger, she wasnt completely done. maybe she wanted to think she was.

you have some idea of what that is like, magic78. you said a lot of things about her here, but you werent done; you wanted to hopefully give things another shot. you were interested in whether shed changed.

in a rebound situation, the most recent previous relationship will tend to "win" every time. there is more recent investment. she would have been further along (if not completely there) in grieving your relationship. reigniting things with you would have seemed like more work. and she was probably interested in whether or not he had changed.

probably not a lot you could have done differently. it wouldnt have been wise to just jump back into a relationship with her, even if thats what she wanted, and one thing is clear - she is very fickle in terms of knowing what she wants. she tends to take the easiest path. and theres a pattern established that she doesnt like to do the hard part of grieving a relationship, and looks to other people to avoid doing so.

the path before you is to determine whether you want to play a part in that. whether theres enough between you and her to salvage, and whether or not it can be, or whether this is her pattern and unlikely to change.

what do you think?

Yes I see exactly what you are saying. Just to try & explain this a little better I am going to list the chain of events:

1) We had a toxic 2 year relationship but we had both invested a great deal for a total of 6 years.
2) She finally ends it 1 year ago but tries to pull me back in over a few months using her Mothers cancer diagnosis as an charm.
3) I go NC for 10 months & ignore her plea for support for her moms cancer diagnosis.
4) She assumes I am completely done & looks for another source of emotional support
5) She finds this other guy who is even more codependant than I & starts a relationship with him 5 months ago.
6) I reconnect & she feels intense emotions for me again
7) She dumps her ex hoping to get back with me
8) I wont jump into a relationship with her so she tells me she no longer wants contact with me
9) She gets back into a relationship with her ex.

Although I am not sure whether it is true about her getting back with her ex. I think it maybe a case of her distancing herself from me to protect herself & using this story to stop me contacting her.

So basically I have no idea what to do because I truly have no idea what has actually happened between her & her ex.

But as you say it would of not been safe to start a relationship with her soon anyway.   

The only way I could reconnect with her now is by me professing my love for her but this would be wrong if she is back in a relationship & is this what she is hoping I will do? Plus do I want to do that anyway? That's just putting me in a dangerous situation.

Jesus this is all a mess & I have no idea what to think or what to do.

Will I ever hear from her again? Do I want to? Is it a lucky escape?

What is for sure is that her way of dealing with things definitely hasn't changed. She said her previous behaviour was due to immaturity but she is behaving the same still a year down the line. Her personal life hasn't changed or improved. It just feels like I am holding on. I wanted to be friends & see how things went but I guess this wasn't good enough for her.

[once removed]

it may be a good idea to navigate these things on the Bettering board.

members here are committed to detaching and working through the stages of grief. theyre going to assume you share the same goal.

The only way I could reconnect with her now is by me professing my love for her but this would be wrong if she is back in a relationship & is this what she is hoping I will do? Plus do I want to do that anyway? That's just putting me in a dangerous situation.

a hail mary like this would probably not produce a good outcome. like you said, she may be in a relationship, she might tell you "too little too late", and youre not even sure you mean it.

Will I ever hear from her again? Do I want to? Is it a lucky escape?

the bottom line is it doesnt sound like you are done. you may be leaning that way, but you arent there. as long as you are not done, if you intend to interact with her, i would continue to get support in terms of how to navigate it, at the very least.

[BobsBurger]

As others have said this board is going to give you more advise about detaching than staying together. Mostly because of the trauma that people here have been through and the end conclusion that they are either better without their ex or have exhausted their possibilities of getting back together.

I've spent a long time in a confused state of wanting my ex back but also fearing it. I feared what was going to happen throughout our relationship because of the drama and because of her actions. These are very tangible compared to the unknowns of whether something could have been done to avoid all the issues and whether we have a deep love that will fix all. I think in life you have to judge people based on their actions and on the understanding that people really very rarely change. Deep down in my gut I knew it was broken throughout the relationship and there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix it... Whatever I tried would and did lead to a different type of drama and the end result of being alone and grieving.

Whatever you choose, it shouldn't be hard. Stable lasting relationships aren't hard. Maintain your boundaries and if you aren't able to to keep the relationship and do that, consider what that really means and whether it's acceptable to you.

[magic78]

As others have said this board is going to give you more advise about detaching than staying together. Mostly because of the trauma that people here have been through and the end conclusion that they are either better without their ex or have exhausted their possibilities of getting back together.

I've spent a long time in a confused state of wanting my ex back but also fearing it. I feared what was going to happen throughout our relationship because of the drama and because of her actions. These are very tangible compared to the unknowns of whether something could have been done to avoid all the issues and whether we have a deep love that will fix all. I think in life you have to judge people based on their actions and on the understanding that people really very rarely change. Deep down in my gut I knew it was broken throughout the relationship and there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix it... Whatever I tried would and did lead to a different type of drama and the end result of being alone and grieving.

Whatever you choose, it shouldn't be hard. Stable lasting relationships aren't hard. Maintain your boundaries and if you aren't able to to keep the relationship and do that, consider what that really means and whether it's acceptable to you.

I think I posted to this board because deep down it is detaching that I know I need. I look at the other boards but I decided to post in this one which I suppose says a great deal.

I have a real problem with making decisions and trusting myself and I guess I just want someone to tell me I need to move on and give up on this one.

The first sentence of your second paragraph really resonated with me. I have been for a long time confused and as you say wanting and fearing. I wanted to contact her but when I did I feared it. Relationships should never be like this. It feels so uncomfortable.

I originally thought about giving it another go and I did think she had changed but we never got as far as trying again. She said she wanted to try again so much but I just couldn't. Plus I've got some really tough personal things going on at the moment with my son so I don't have any spare time and I didn't want to involve him in a relationship which there was a good possibility would end again. He had already met her and her child and he really liked them. He was upset when we broke up before so I didn't want to put him through that again.

[once removed]

I think I posted to this board because deep down it is detaching that I know I need. I look at the other boards but I decided to post in this one which I suppose says a great deal.

I have a real problem with making decisions and trusting myself and I guess I just want someone to tell me I need to move on and give up on this one.

Detaching is a very personal commitment that one has to make on their own. its the deliberate process of letting go of hope, and taking steps to extricate oneself from the relationship, and the wounds from it.

Magic, you can come here, and we can tell you she sucks, and you should move on, and that will feel validating in the moment.

it isnt going to help you if you havent made the choice yourself, and especially if youre maintaining/trying to navigate some type of relationship with her.

lots of people have used the board in that way. and then they get back in the relationship, and they disappear from the board because theyre embarrassed, they dont get the support they need, nothing changes, everything blows up, and they come back even more embarrassed and in even more pain. its not only foolhardy, its dysfunctional coping.

i would suggest that your struggle with decision making is one such area of growth that this relationship has sort of forced upon you. one that you can conquer, and go on to thrive in the future.

a member here often says "good mental health is hard work". the healthiest decisions are often the hardest to make.

the decision to commit to really trying to make it work would be a hard decision. the decision to let go of hope and move on would be a hard decision. right now, youre leaving your fate in her hands, and going along for the ride, and leaning on the Detaching board to validate you.

stand up. commit to a path. do the difficult work that either will require. that is how we can best support you.

[magic78]

Detaching is a very personal commitment that one has to make on their own. its the deliberate process of letting go of hope, and taking steps to extricate oneself from the relationship, and the wounds from it.

Magic, you can come here, and we can tell you she sucks, and you should move on, and that will feel validating in the moment.

it isnt going to help you if you havent made the choice yourself, and especially if youre maintaining/trying to navigate some type of relationship with her.

lots of people have used the board in that way. and then they get back in the relationship, and they disappear from the board because theyre embarrassed, they dont get the support they need, nothing changes, everything blows up, and they come back even more embarrassed and in even more pain. its not only foolhardy, its dysfunctional coping.

i would suggest that your struggle with decision making is one such area of growth that this relationship has sort of forced upon you. one that you can conquer, and go on to thrive in the future.

a member here often says "good mental health is hard work". the healthiest decisions are often the hardest to make.

the decision to commit to really trying to make it work would be a hard decision. the decision to let go of hope and move on would be a hard decision. right now, youre leaving your fate in her hands, and going along for the ride, and leaning on the Detaching board to validate you.

stand up. commit to a path. do the difficult work that either will require. that is how we can best support you.

Thank you for this. Yes I have been using this board to validate me along with other forums. I guess I still haven't made a decision as to what I want. Logically I know I need to move on. I would say I am still 50/50.

I believe this full relationship is a chance of growth so instead of me looking at it has some kind of hardship i am looking at it as something I need to go through.

I spoke to her today & she spend most of the time telling me how inadequate her boyfriend is in the sex department & she doesn't think they are compatible. I guess this is why I am been kept on the back burner. A sort of break glass if boyfriend is required type of thing! I feel uncomfortable that she is even discussing her sexual life with me & if her boyfriend found out I can only imagine how sad & upset he would feel. But, this is showing me her true nature. As I think you said before, look at the actions & not what they say.

What board should I be posting on if I am still not sure what I want?

Thanks for all your help by the way!

[once removed]

What board should I be posting on if I am still not sure what I want?

Bettering.

you can explore the pros and cons, or navigate letting go with grace and working toward detaching, on that board, if thats what you want to do.