Should i stay or should I go?

[HLB]

So after many many abusive violent argumenta with my partner i came here  i found out he most probably has bpd. I told him, he had a tantrum at first but thwn sort of accepted it. To end our violent arguments he said he will walk away and calm fown then come back and discusz calmly with me. Well this time he didnt ealk away, ended up yelling, pushing me, slaping me, grabbing my fave, holding me down pushing me degrading me. All because "im being a bitch, and cant say sorry properly". Now i was probably being a bit bitchy as a explained to him i was tired and grumpy cause i had been up with baby and wanted to be left alone, not have sex even tho it was my intention earlier before baby woke up. Now this makes him even more angry, why am i so mean, why dont i care about him, im being called a bully, setting him up to fail. "Asking for him to get mad." I am so frickin tired, my kids have seen all of this. I tell him im leaving this time, and he says i only want to leave cause it was my fault. I was being a bitch. It was my fault. Well now he is in bed asleep, and im sittig herè bawling my eyes out cause i didnt leave. I said sorry and stayed. And now im feeling hopeless  im in a country with no immidiate family of my own, i have no residency here. We have three children under 4. Im at my wits end, 6 years of nonstop chaos and i just dont know what to do anymore..

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AskingWhy]

HLB, you are experiencing what many of us here have felt. 

First off, PLEASE consider your safety and that of your children.  There is the free online MOSAIC inventory on domestic violence.

I urge you to take this.

https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

A book might help you work through questions.  It's called, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved," by Lundy Bancroft. 

You can get it online and in digital copy, or your local library might have one.  Please DO NOT share this book with your partner while you read it!  It is for your eyes alone so you can get answers.

Your partner appears to be using guilt with you, which is an abusive tactic.

I urge you to be strong.  Many of us, again, feel this way here. 

[Radcliff]

Welcome, HLB.  We're sorry for the tough and exhausting situation you're in, but are glad you've found us.  AskingWhy has some good advice.  Addressing your physical safety is a high priority.  Let us know how you score on the MOSAIC survey.

RC

[HLB]

Thank you for replying it is nice to hear im not alone even tho it feels very lonely atm.
Scored a 7 on misaic

[Cat Familiar]

Hi HLB, We understand and there are many of us who've been in similar situations, although with three young children, you've got quite a lot of responsibilities.   

So you've been with your partner for 6 years and live in a country that's not your native country. We'd like to hear more about your story.

Certainly with three young children all under age 4, you must be exhausted! And having a difficult partner certainly makes things challenging to keep an upbeat mood particularly when you're sleep deprived from taking care of the baby.   

Cat

[HLB]

Omg yes im so tired, on top of this i have diabetes type 1 and no thyroid due to graves disease. When my husband is dysregulated i do notice my selfcare goes downhill.
The violence has gone up and down the last few years. My husband did go to jail once for assaulting me, two years ago. He has been walkig away when he has felt frustrated or if we are arguing. This time he was undressed and kiddle of the mighr and he didnt leave fast enough and got aggressive. I know I have to leave, nothing seems to work and I am not responsible for his actions which he thinks.  But no one has ever picked up on his bpd but me.
 Its just hard practically for me to leave, i do mot want to leave the countrt, i donr want to burden my extended family, ive got no job no income, staying in a low decile community with bugget all rentals. I cant really drag my kids on the street. I am also worried about my husband, other times ive tried to leave he loses it, crying begging me literally holding on to me. Saying he will kill himself. I tell him u got three children to be a father too and he just says if we not a family hes not a father... im emotionally exhausted but ig i mention this to him its always "aw you have no idea what its like to be me, i suffer way more than you" "im hurting myself more than you". He is always the one suffering the most. Its annoying.
Thank you all for your replys i will check out all info ive recieved.

[Cat Familiar]

You know what they tell you on the airplane should you be in an emergency situation: put your own oxygen mask on first. Self care is vital, considering you have three young children who rely upon you and an unreliable partner.

It's good that your husband is walking away when he's not capable of handling a situation. Does your husband have family and close friends nearby? Do you have friends you can count on?

[Radcliff]

Thanks for sharing your MOSAIC result with us.  Don't be hard on yourself for not leaving.  As you point out, the logistical challenges are big, not to mention the emotional ones.  Folks who end up leaving unsafe situations successfully do it with a plan that covers all the bases, and often with failed attempts that they learned from.  Regardless of whether you choose to stay in the relationship or leave it long term, one of the first things to do is start building your strength.  Do you have any local support from friends, service organizations, mother's groups, or activities that you attend?  Isolation is very common in unsafe relationships and breaking that isolation is an important step. 

RC

[HLB]

My pwbpd has finally admitted he has bpd, joined a supportgroup on facebook. But then goes on to have a complete meldown, rage abuse me again, when i mention any form of help he reckons they will send him to the ward and inject him with drugs. He thinks its like the cuckoos nest or something. What i say doesnt matter he doesnt want to hear it.
While he has admitted to having bpd, i am still to blane for teigering him when now I know he has got a problem he reckons i dont help him enough...
People say grey rock and ignorig etc i can tell you this will send my husband in to full blown, man killing rage. I cant even leave his presence he will physically pull me back and hold me if i try and leave when he is raging.
He tells me he cant remember the first 5 years of his life and wonder if that is where his trauma is mostly.. i encourage him to someday explore thise hidden memories to heal. He jus says he cant  he has to accordig to him forgive and FORGET what his parents done to him. He thinks walking away everytime will solve everything. And i just have to listwn because he is not like these ither bpd people. He is not dumb. He is intelligent.

Ugh... thanks for the vent. It is exhausting seeing clearly and not being able to express it...

[HLB]

If i try and share anything I consider helpful he just gets angry again. I am trying to label him, i am trying to fix him, i dont understand, he is not like these people, no one understands him etc.
After his rage and abuse i also hate how he almost forces me to just be OK when im not. Because he cant bear to see me hurt, and he feels so much more than me and is hurting so much more than me i have to forgive and forget.
I feel like i am responsible for his life, i know logically i am not. I feel like he will actually kill himself if i took the kids and left. I feel trapped and i tell him that he just says, i dont know what its like to be trapped. He is trapped. Not me.

And i am the selfish one?

Feel like im going PLEASE READing crazy...

[HLB]

I cant talk to his family, they wont take any responsibilty for how he is. If he confronts them they call him delusional, a liar etc.
 I have a couple of friends we see eachother a few times a month. But its hard. I am in communtiy where abuse is normal. I am the abnormal one here. There is a family cycle of abuse, that never gets adressed. Only behind peoples back. My family hates him so i cant tall to them.
I am also in a tricky situation with immigration. My visa got declined i got til nov i need to apply for residence with a charachter waiver for application so my i can apply under partnershipm but this costs alot of money, and my partner is of course. Ever. So. Bad. With money.
If i complain i am being called a tightass (cause he needs to spend that moeny on whatever so he wont loose his temper or whatever reason he has got that day) is 50 dollars worth me killing myself? I have been asked when i mention he is being unwise with money.

It is a bloody mess. I feel like it is anyway, my partner can be ever so wonderful, loving empathic loyal partner to me. I guess i feel dumb for thinking he would always be that person.

He also calls me his angel, after he does these horrible things to me. I tell him no i am not an angel, i am a human that makes mistakes and i have flaws. But he just says for me to be quiet he cant see me like that he says i dont undertand i am his angel. I saved him etc.
He cant see that he is splitting, i cant explain it to him cause it will cause him to get triggered in an already touchy situation.

Excuse my late night rants, but honestly the only times i can write on here is when my partner is asleep or im on the toilet

[Radcliff]

You're in a tough situation.  I'm sorry to hear it's so draining.  The additional details you gave help us understand your situation better.  You do in fact sound quite isolated, and are locked in a very strong dynamic with him, without a lot of support from others.  Keep coming back here.  But you also need in-person support.  Are there domestic violence support organizations in the country and locality where you live?

I agree that gray rock is not a good plan for someone who is emotionally volatile and fears abandonment.  He may just raise the stakes until he gets a reaction.

One important thing to do to keep your strength and sanity is to be able to go out and do things for yourself, alone or with friends.  Some friends might be good to discuss the abuse with, while others might simply be good friends to enjoy activities with.  Even without abuse, this can be tough with small children in a foreign country.  Are you able to get out enough?  What kinds of things do you do?  Are there any things you'd like to be able to do for yourself but haven't, that you could make happen with some effort?

RC

[HLB]

He is not controlling of me, i can go places but its hard when he is not well then he makes me feel like abandon him. But when he is well he tells me to go out. we have a social life. But our friends come to our house most of the time cause we have little kids. Almost every day someone comes over.
For me its more the draining part of the relationship, i dont have the energy to do much when i can. I have health issues of my own that already drains me enough to be honest.. tbh this town has so much domestic violence my situation isnt near as severe as most the ppl around me.. sad but true. But i didnt grow up here, abuse is not normal to me. And i dont want to make it normal either.

[Radcliff]

That's great that friends are regularly at your house.

Can you tell us a little bit about a verbal conflict you recently had with him?  How did it start?  Who said what and how did each of you react?

RC

[HLB]

His grandfather came iver with groceries, knowing we disnt have any money. I started packing groceries away. He tild me to stop. I did. After they left he said why dint you wait packing it away, you look like a vulture. Youre just wanting to know what he bought us aye, your so spoiled.
I say no i didnt care what was in there im very grateful for whatever he got. I packed it away cause he said to put the meat away.
He says stop making excuses you just wanted to see what was in there. You look so rude.
I say again no i didnt care, im sorry it came across like that and i will think about it and better myself on that.
He gets louder angrier, says stop lying to me.
I just ok i accept what you have to say and i will better it.
He says bullPLEASE READ u will do it again. Argument stopped cause his little cousin came over, he ended up getting angry at his little cousin over our son falling iver on his scooter (not his fault) and slapped his head. After that i left to check on our son and the argument didnt carry on.

Sometimes he wil walk away, but if he stays theaw arguments can get physical.

[Radcliff]

Many of our members have to learn to avoid adding fuel to the fire; they end up arguing with their partners or trying to prove themselves right.  The situation you describe is different.  It sounds like you are trying to avoid conflict and disagreement.

You said that you don't want to accept abuse as normal.  Who can you tell the truth to, who can support you in this?  Have you considered reaching out to domestic violence support organizations?  Many have support groups that meet regularly and peers in those groups can help back you up emotionally and serve as a reality check.

RC