Will I ever learn... ?

[yeeter]

Wife came home today after two weeks with her parents. It's always very high emotions when she is around them. They are older and showing real signs of decline.

So after dumping the kids on me and sleeping all afternoon, comes down and dumps on me about all the things she expected that I didn't do.  I have been in and out of the hospital over the last few weeks, including while she was away, so have been minimizing activities

I started defending myself. It didn't go well and just resulted in my own stress level jacking up (which is the underlying issue that has been sending me to the hospital)

Shaking my head. I know better. But knowing, and doing are two different things

Her complaints were minor. I just didn't feel like hearing them

Right now

Ironically she came down a second time and suggested I just empathize with her feelings next time, and not be so defensive .  I agreed that is indeed what I should have done. But also tried to explain why I felt defensive.

I find myself repeating my own advice:  ". Life is a series of lessons. If you don't learn it the first time, don't worry, you will get that lesson again"

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[eeyore]

I find myself repeating my own advice:  ". Life is a series of lessons. If you don't learn it the first time, don't worry, you will get that lesson again"

That is so true.  Thank you for the reminder.  I'm sorry you got dumped on and I hope you can get your health better.  I know hard to due with all the high stress. 

Just wondering but what more did she want you to do and could you have gotten help from a friend? 

[yeeter]

After two weeks of caring for 2 older people and 3 children, then an early early flight, she comes home completely wiped out.  In the past I made sure every little thing is done. All laundry. Cleanup. Dishes. And would gontonthe store and restock the refrigerator and also have something ready for them To eat when they got here. 

This time I had the laundry and dishes and cleanup done, but didn't do anything for the food. Her complaints were that there were two bananas that had rotted (that I didn't even know where there). And some muffins that went bad (again, something I didn't notice$, and that there was no milk (I drank the last of one jug that morning and didn't realize that the other jug, unopened, had spoiled). I have been keeping very simple meals and missed these things

She basically wants to dump everything when she arrives and be the one that cared for instead of caring for everyone else. I'm just not up for the task at the moment

Relatively minor complaints.   And most likely,  not what was really bothering her. Usually these type of things aren't about the topic on the surface.

It would have been so easy to validate.  She was tired, hungry, and emotional. But I wasn't on top of the game and didn't do it

At one point she said something like 'I guess I need to change my expectations' (about me).  I said, 'yes'.  If we want to bring it around to 'my' feelings... . This is tiring. I will never be the person she would like me to be (that person is unrealistic).  With high N traits though, it's always about her and her needs. (and a constant sense of disappointment in me - the bottomless pit )

The other comment she made was that she is never allowed to offer critique. I have been cutting her off or walking away when this starts. It bothers her. She wants to judge, and correct all behavior and actions. (superiority is a strong trait)

A friend.  Yes. I'm trying to keep them engaged in my life. But the geography and schedule is tough, and I'm tired and worn down as trying to recover.  

Classic. Everyone here has been through this type of scenario many many times before. I just still haven't gotten the reflexes ingrained deep enough to automatically handle it in the best way

[zaqsert]

Hi Yeeter,

Sorry you had to go through all that, especially when you are trying to LOWER stress in your life.

Remember also to try not to be too hard on yourself.  You clearly know what to do, have done it yourself many times before, and have helped us through similar situations.  But sometimes we're just not up to it.  We're human.  You are learning.  Maybe you just weren't up to applying the lesson this time.

BTW, it sounds like it may have been a little bit of nice progress from your wife when she came back and told you what she actually needed (some empathy).  But still, the constant empathy and focusing on our pwBPD's emotions and needs can be draining.

Hang in there.   

zaqsert

[briefcase]

We all have these moments where we realize we were less than stellar.  We're human.  You'll nail it next time.