Will she ever take me back?

[Nass11er]

Around two months ago I broke up with my BPDexgf. The relationship lasted a year. It was generally great for the first 10-11 months with a few rough patches, but towards the end it seemed like she completely devalued me. Started ignoring me, arguments became more common, she started talking and flirting with other guys increasingly, and wouldn't stop or compromise whenever I told her to. There was always an excuse. This went on until I couldn't handle it anymore, and just decided to break up with her.

The decision was rushed imo, and it was the last thing I wanted at the time, as I've always stuck by her through any difficulties in the relationship. That time though, depression got the best of me and I just wanted relief. Anyways I ended up regretting the decision and becoming even more depressed, so just 3 days post-breakup I called her and asked if she wanted to get back together. She said she wants to, but has some crush and he's my competition, but said in the meantime we should be friends until she decides. I waited for a week, no progress, she was barely giving me anytime and giving this crush who she only met once all the time, couldn't handle it anymore and went NC.

NC lasted 3 weeks, I called her again cause I missed her so much, played on the friends thing for a couple of days, turned out her crush hooked up with her friend, she was spending time with me and told me when she's ready for a relationship she'll come to me, but refused anything romantic or intimate and said she's confused so maybe we should stay friends until she decides, same end result. This time she made a tinder account and started meeting and talking to a ___ton of guys, couldn't handle it, went NC again.

Came back a week later, again played along with the friends thing for a week, until I told her that I won't bother her anymore I'll just ask one last time if she's willing to try again and get back together. She said she wants me to move on, cause she kinda has. She also said she still sees me as her soulmate and one true love, but thinks it's better if we stay friends. I then asked if she really wasn't ready for a relationship in general or if she wasn't ready for one with me, she said it's me, she's ready for one just not with me. I also asked if she's wanted a breakup when we were together, she said she did for the last couple of weeks. After that I went NC and told her I'll come back to her when I get over her and am able to see her as a friend.

Now my questions are: Are friendzones usually permanent for pwBPD, or does that not stop them from recycling? Is there anything I can do specifically to get her back, or is it best to back off for now? If anyone had a similar experience, did they suddenly and abruptly change their mind? Finally, do I have a chance?

I know and appreciate that most everyone here will advise me to walk away, but I'm headset on trying again. I want to fix the relationship, I'm just in no position to do so since it's non-existent.

Mod note: This thread has been moved to the Saving board

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Lostinanother]

What makes you think she has BPD?
It sounds like she is being a bit of a ___ by playing with you and tagging you along but it sounds like a normal break-up dude... .
Unless she is showing other signs of BPD that you haven’t mentioned.
She has to have shown at least 6 of the 9, I think.

Fear of abandonment. People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one getting home late from work or going away for the weekend can trigger intense fear. This leads to frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg, cling, start fights, jealously track your loved one’s movements, or even physically block the other person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away.

Unstable relationships. People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, with nothing in between. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash from your rapid swings between idealization and devaluation, anger, and hate.

Unclear or unstable self-image. When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, and even sexual identity.
Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.

Self-harm. Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm includes all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.

Extreme emotional swings. Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.

Chronic feelings of emptiness. People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the hole with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.
Explosive anger. If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time being angry at yourself.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality. People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body.

I think she has made her feelings quite clear at the moment and it’s probably best for you to move on.

[Nass11er]

I left out the big details. She was diagnosed, she's had suicide attempts, she self harms (cutting burning with cigs), had suicide attempts, impulsive af, dad abused her as a kid and abandoned her, extreme mood swings, excessive crying, was anorexic, can't handle the slightest criticism, kept telling me she feels I'm too good to her when things were ok and is afraid of me leaving, idealized and love bombed the F out of me when I first got to know her, said her ex tried getting her to commit suicide, told everyone that I was an ass post-breakup, gaslit me when I came back by denying she ever told me that she wants to be in a relationship with me when she's ready, cries almost daily, i was either good or bad in her eyes good if I did what she wanted bad if I opposed, good if I , underwent DBT, etc... .

She exhibits 8 at least, the only one i'm not sure about is unstable self-image, it's stable in that she flat-out hates herself.

[Nass11er]

Most importantly, would call me controlling whenever I try setting boundaries, and liken me to her sister's ex (domestic abuser). I know you're going to tell me I should stop trying, but we were getting somewhere close to stable with DBT, it all went to south when she abruptly left out of the blue and told me I'm more helpful than any therapy. Going back to my question I just really want to know if there's any possibility of a recycle or is friendzone permanent?

[itgetsbetter94]

Dear Nas11er, you're asking us question, that even pwBPD doesn't have an answer. I wanted to make an analogy with predicting the weather, but this is one prognosis that even the most skilled meteorologist wouln't dare to predict. They're worse than weather.  

She might come back. She might not. If she comes back, she could leave the next day. She could stay forever, and prepare for the life of misery in that case. All of that is possible.

Look, it's not an easy disorder. It's hell of a mental illness.  As my T said (that I started to visit, for the first time in my life, as a direct result of being involved with pwBPD)- "those people can make your life a living hell".

Don't think you can handle something that most psychiatrists stay away from.

[Nass11er]

Dear Nas11er, you're asking us question, that even pwBPD doesn't have an answer. I wanted to make an analogy with predicting the weather, but this is one prognosis that even the most skilled meteorologist wouln't dare to predict. They're worse than weather.  

She might come back. She might not. If she comes back, she could leave the next day. She could stay forever, and prepare for the life of misery in that case. All of that is possible.

Look, it's not an easy disorder. It's hell of a mental illness.  As my T said (that I started to visit, for the first time in my life, as a direct result of being involved with pwBPD)- "those people can make your life a living hell".

Don't think you can handle something that most psychiatrists stay away from.

I really wish I could definitely say yes, but I know right now I'm headset on trying one more time at least. I've seen a lot of people in BPD relationships breakup and get back several times before either succeeding or most likely, failing. I definitely want one more shot. My relationship was very difficult, but what can I say, it's been the most emotinally impactful and loving relationship I've been in when things were going right. I know there is no definite answer for the questions I came up with, and I know I'm desperately scraping for something here, but I just really wanted to know if someone experienced what I went through and got another chance somewhere along the lines.

[Lostinanother]

Dude, reread what you wrote. You’re dead set on trying again. What about what she wants? She has told you a number of times she doesn’t want a relationship with you and doesn’t see a future with you. She doesn’t want you and told you to move on because she has moved on. I know break ups are hard but you can’t make someone want to be with you when they don’t. If you love her then respect her wishes and leave her alone. Focus on improving yourself and she might come back to you after she has had enough of playing about with other guys and maybe by that time you won’t want to be someone’s back up plan.
Chin up lad!

[EdR]

Hi there!

I think your question is quite normal at the start of the breakup. You are hurt and just want her back. Nothing wrong with those feelings, they are  natural.

However, looking from a distance I would say the main issue here is that you guys seem to be on different wavelengths. And my guess is that your behaviour NOW (while hurt),  may very well determine whatever future is left with your pwBPD.

The fact that she is offering friendship is not very BPDlike imo. But you obviously want more and kind of blame her that she spends more time with her new romantic interest.
I feel that your feelings are natural, but highly influenced by your emotional state and imo... .well... .  unwise.

I would love to be friends with my pwBPD, but that seemed /seems off limits. In your case it seems possible, but if your expectations are not altered she WILL change her mind. And she'll be gone.
That's not even typical BPD behaviour. That just is quite normal.
She likes to remain friends, but you want more. If you cannot change that, you guys are on different wavelengths and any remaining ties will be severed.

[once removed]

hi Nass11er,

i moved your post to the Saving board. the Crises board is a place to work through grieving and the stages of detachment; if youre interested in reviving the relationship, Saving is the place to be.

itgetsbetter94 is right in that we cant definitively tell you what she will or wont do, and assuming you do revive the relationship, you need to arm yourself with knowledge. i suggest diving straight in to the lessons and tools directly to the right of the board.

we can help you with a path that gives you the best odds, and in the event reconciliation is unsuccessful, a good foundation for healing.

my read is that this is a tough case. she has largely grieved the relationship and, right now, is more interested in moving on - i dont think that means you have no chance, just that it will be an uphill battle.

so what can you do? i think, right now, space is a good idea. you need some time to get in a better place. if you have depression, as many of our members do, seek treatment. depression can strain relationships, and it can make it difficult to have a firm, decisive grasp of things. the goal, i think, is to get back to the best possible version of yourself, the strong, confident, upbeat guy she fell for in the first place. this will make you mighty attractive, and it will make you feel better, too. and while youre doing that, i reiterate that its a good idea to arm yourself with knowledge. over 60% of relationships recycle, but if we dont change our approach and game plan, if we go back into a relationship and treat it the same way, it typically fails.

work out in your head whether you can accept being just friends with her or not. dont "play along" and then hit her with an ultimatum, that will fail. more than likely, to give this the best odds, its going to need to involve a lot of trust building and some amount of courting, after some initial awkwardness. it will look a lot like a friendship. that may be all it ever becomes. but whatever you do, dont push, youve made your desires clear at this point, and she will have that in mind.

[Nass11er]

Hi there!

I think your question is quite normal at the start of the breakup. You are hurt and just want her back. Nothing wrong with those feelings, they are  natural.

However, looking from a distance I would say the main issue here is that you guys seem to be on different wavelengths. And my guess is that your behaviour NOW (while hurt),  may very well determine whatever future is left with your pwBPD.

The fact that she is offering friendship is not very BPDlike imo. But you obviously want more and kind of blame her that she spends more time with her new romantic interest.
I feel that your feelings are natural, but highly influenced by your emotional state and imo... .well... .  unwise.


I would love to be friends with my pwBPD, but that seemed /seems off limits. In your case it seems possible, but if your expectations are not altered she WILL change her mind. And she'll be gone.
That's not even typical BPD behaviour. That just is quite normal.
She likes to remain friends, but you want more. If you cannot change that, you guys are on different wavelengths and any remaining ties will be severed.

Friendship might be great later on in life, but I noticed as her friend, it was too much of a push/pull emotional paradox to deal with at the moment. This whole "friends" period she'd tell me I'm the one, it's the best relationship she's ever been in and she doesn't want me to leave her life, and a couple of other things along those lines. Then tell me about this guy being cute, that guy being hot, and just basically flaunts her romantic interests in my face. Of course, I personally can't be her friend when this is the case, especially since we were lovers around 2 months ago.