Handling Emotional Vomit

[martillo]

High conflict, alcoholic H - lots of financial stressers in our joint business for the past few months - worse this month. 

We have a friend of H's, whose wife kicked him out, living in our camper in our yard which stresses me (lots of negative energy arrived with his baggage!).

H also has been trying to follow his diabetic diet plan so he has not self-soothed w food for the past 10 days and he has not drank as much (due to finances) so less self-soothing with alcohol.

And normal, everyday, living life w a houseful of kids and one adult child, stressers.

H has been trying to emotionally vomit on me for the past several days and I am doing my best to keep it off me - I change the subject if I am able or I find a reason to leave the room if I sense that H is ready to let go on me and stay gone at least 5 minutes; when I come back, I leave again if he has not calmed down; I keep the 8th step in mind constantly - do I really want to have to make amends for something I do in response to his behavior ... . I deep breathe and give myself calming messages ... . I try to make sure I am owning my stuff - apologizing or accepting responsibility when it's my bad - out loud to him.

H has been "hovering", following me around like a lost puppy, and I know he is seeking attention, so I have tried to be attentive and listen with an open mind and open heart and just "be" with him.

He did manage to spew some emotional venom today at me which I feel like I handled well.

What is the best way and/or how do you communicate with your SO in times like these that you are just as stressed as they are (without the nuclear reactions ) and that you do not control the world (despite their thinking or blaming that you do ) and that you don't want their stuff dumped on you. 

I am the more emotionally stable*; I handle stress much better*; and I am patient, calm, and cool under pressure* (*disclaimer - most of the time! despite my last "crazy" post) but, by golly, I can only handle what I can handle!

Note:  I am reading "I Don't Have to Make Everything Better" and it is really helping me w my validation / listening skills, but I haven't found the chapter yet on dealing w "the spewing of emotional vomit/venom."

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 

I think you are doing a good job.

i think you probably have to use a dose of Acceptance on yourself. You will not allways be able to cope, you will be overwhelmed at times, and you wont always have an answer. Even if you do snap and lash back, and unleash the demons in him as a result of constant baiting, that is OK. It happens we are human.

We do our best, and that is enough.

To choose not to do the "appropriate" thing, is a viable choice too. It is only when we do the inappropriate thing by default that we need to worry.

At times I take my caretakers hat off and go off duty (I am effectively in contact 24/7) and I will unleash my anger/frustration/disappointment just like people do in a healthy relationship. Because of what I have learned i dont fear my partners reaction the same, I also have better skills of dealing with potential escalation and also of repairing damage. This works well for me as it stops frustration from building into resentment due to bottling it up. It also lets my partner know that I am not always OK

[martillo]

H was very angry last night but it was more of a silent rage - some passive agressive "sneaky sniper" comments.  He left and went out drinking until midnight and didnt disturb me when he came in.  I got up early and did a local run this morning so we haven't had "contact" for several hours.    Now home and headed in to see how the day will unfold!

[martillo]

and thank you, Waverider!  Your comments gave me peace!

[waverider]

Once you accept the poo will hit the fan at times regardless, you wont get drawn into that self pitying martyr routine we can fall into "after all I've done for you... . " etc... That just creates a deep bitterness about something that is inevitable and we know is going to happen occasionally. We are only setting ourselves up for a fall.

Choosing to be in BPD relationship is like choosing to play on the train tracks. The obvious is going to happen, you have to be prepared to step aside now and then and let things pass.

[martillo]

Well, I went in the house this morning after my run and H was (and still is) in his "mood."  I put those mighty endorphins from my run to work and went to the laundry room, cranked up my tunes, sang and danced through several loads of laundry -sang and danced in our bedroom (cranked my tunes there too!) while folding, sorting and getting the kids to come put away their clothes... . sang and danced while helping kiddos fix supper.  I guess H figured out that I deployed my poop deflector today!  He washed his truck and had the kids wash mine!  Woot!  Score one for calm! 

The eternally optomistic, hopeful part of me still holds out for the sitcom lightbulb moment (heavenly choir singing, stop motion look of amazement on his face) where he suddenly realizes that I am an amazing person and that we actually have a fairly good and strong relationship and so, so much to be grateful for... . and no more poop will be flung!  But I am no longer shocked when that is not the case.  Sometimes, surprised when a meltdown seems to come from no where, but not shocked anymore.

Today, I got off the tracks and let things pass!

[martillo]

H has not come out of his mood yet and is determined that I will be the receptacle for his crap.  I did stand up to him about something on Friday regarding his friend who is living in our RV in the back yard and since I made him feel bad, I have to feel bad too.  That is what started this cycle.  I have maintained (or at least done my best to appear to) a positive, upbeat attitude but he is bringing out the big guns now - I am useless, worthless, he is taking all our money (not that much to be had ), I just need to leave because ... . , nothing is mine ... .

In regards to his friend, throughout our relationship (23 yrs), H has always had someone in our lives who is the "burr under the saddle" in our relationship.   And we always end up fighting when I state a boundary regarding the "burr" - suddenly, I become evil and black and the other person becomes saintly and white.  I know this is standard BPD behavior, but my patience has worn thin at this point with it.   My upbeat, positive attitude is threatened... .

[waverider]

   And we always end up fighting when I state a boundary regarding the "burr" - suddenly,... .

Are you sure you have been stating Boundaries rather than just demands. Do you have thought out actions to reinforce those boundaries and follow through on them regardless of consequences. Or does your "boundary" just become an agenda for conflict?

Being upbeat is hard to maintain, especially if it is just a facade. Do you feel it or are you just acting it?

He will just keep upping the anti until he breaks the upbeat facade, so you need to have a real boundary to put a stop to escalating behavior. What are you Boundaries as attitude starts to become threats?

[martillo]

Boundary vs demand - probably more of a demand - I forget that a boundary is about me.  This demand has to do w friend staying in camper in yard - we have a water hose running across the driveway so he has water 24/7.  It is not ideal and the hose didn't fit the spigot correctly and was leaking lots of water and we have punctured the hose several times due to it is in the driveway and we run over it!  H wants to dig a trench across driveway, drop some PVC pipe in and run the water hose through the PVC pipe and repair trenched area w cold mix.  I said no (I might have even added that it was a stupid idea).  I had suggested a couple of years ago that we plumb a water line across the driveway so water was available at the camper.  H didn't want to trench across driveway at that time.  Where he wants to run the trench is in an area of the driveway that water runs across when it rains (we live on a hill and already have problems w driveway being eroded away in heavy rain)

Friend has been staying in camper for almost 3 months after his wife kicked him out and filed for divorce. I told H that we were there for friend when he initially needed help and have given him time to get back on his feet.  Friend is a working physician with at least 2 other businesses he co-owns.  Friend is not paying rent or contributing otherwise which doesn't bother me; however, he comes with lots of negative baggage.  He is definitely not the problem in H and my relationship, but H tends to project friend's probs on us (we have plenty of our own without any additional!).  In fact, last summer, H latched onto a different young man whose wife surprised him with divorce papers.  When H and I had conflict last summer, H would use this lady's name as a derogatory term for me!  He hasn't used our current friend's wife's name, I think because she is a well-respected, well-liked, popular physician in our town.

I tend to be a positive, upbeat person. I am learning that a personal time out works best, although H tells me I am running away and won't deal w anything and we never resolve anything.  Today, took a personal timeout when H became verbally abusive, came back and listened to more verbal abuse and finally told H that even if he didn't believe in me, I believe in myself, so he needed to leave (we were at our office).  He left and went out drinking and hasn't come home yet.

Waverider, I believe it was you who shared in one of my previous posts about the four horsemen of the apocalypse.  I read the article and some of the comments and I agree that we are not in a stable situation.  However, I agree w one of the commenters that being in a relationship with someone w BPD seems to rotate through the 4 cycles. 

I need to work on boundaries (duh!) - what is and isn't and how to properly establish one... .

Not sure where we are headed, but I am glad that this group is here.  Not many others get the "craziness... . "

[waverider]

Boundaries are about having actions you can enact to enforce. Demands are when you ask them to do something, but you are relying on them to act. Hence you can't enforce them the same, as they can be responded to with an 'or what?" type response.

Given boundaries usually require a black and white action, and are not negotiable, they are best left for important issues, the ones that affect you to the core rather than things you'd just like to happen.

You could have a boundary about having someone stay with you if it was important enough, but you might have to make it an he goes or I do consequence, so as you can see it needs to pretty important.